Western Skies Ch. 06

"I can't, Luke." Every fiber of my being protested the words that came out of my mouth, because it wasn't what I wanted to say. I longed to tell him the truth--that of course I loved him too! But the haunting image of his mom's discovery, his spineless reaction, and all the months of anxiety I had endured...it was all too much.

"Why not," he whispered hoarsely, his face white as snow.

I spoke slowly, sorting through my churning emotions, trying to find the right words. "Because...because I can't live like this. It's all too much. The secret. Constantly worrying about your parents, or what people would say if everyone knew. All I feel is this...I don't know...this shitty worry, I guess, whenever we're parading around in secret, you freaking out about your dad's political career and being the gay son he'll disown. Me worrying about being part of that, and messing up the job my dad has working for yours. It's exhausting...and after last night, I realized how much of my own...being...was getting beat down by what we were trying to make work. And now it'd only be worse, with your mom trying to keep us apart. I can't do it, Luke." My eyes dropped away from Luke's face, not wanting to see his reaction.

Silence rang loudly in the air. I sat on the bed, fidgeting. Then, when I couldn't take it anymore, my gaze snapped back up to meet Luke's.

His eyes glistened with tears, and his face was deathly white, but still stunning nonetheless.

"So...so what...next," he croaked, each word seeming to drop from his perfect lips with agonizing finality. He was visibly trembling, goosebumps visible on his smooth, bare forearms...why he was wearing a short-sleeve shirt in January--

I forced myself to stop. His lips weren't perfect, there were other faces to look at in the world, and it didn't matter if his arms never wrapped around me again. It wasn't worth it, I kept repeating to myself within the ringing confines of my skull. No matter what. Last night was the wake-up call to end all wake-up calls, and there was no going back.

After a deep breath, I finally responded. "For now I think I need some space, okay? Maybe at some point, we can be friends, but right now..." I trailed off, unsure of what to say next.

"I'm sorry, Kaden," he said, defeated.

"Me too, Luke."

"I can't help it," he mumbled, looking down and blinking rapidly."I really do love you." With that, he turned his back on me and slunk out the door like a dog that had been whipped.

With a churning stomach and the most acute feeling of depression I could ever remember, I spoke quietly, staring at the closed door:

"I love you too."

In my chest, a tightness unlike anything I'd ever felt before seemed to grip me like a straitjacket. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. And it felt like a dull blade was slowly, callously hacking my heart into pieces.

***

"You look worse than you did at the hospital, Kaden."

"Hmm?" I mumbled, trying to focus my gnat-like attention on my dad. Evening had come, I was home with my father, and we were wordlessly munching on some carry-out he'd picked up for dinner.

"I try to respect your life, and your privacy, but this is too much. Forget the car wreck. One minute you and Luke are best friends, and now...this. John called me today, he heard what had happened. He was awfully confused why you left their cabin in the middle of the night in a snowstorm, and I couldn't give him a good answer. Apparently, Grace had told him that you and Luke had some falling out but whatever it was, it was between the two of you."

Grace. Even Luke's mom's name made me uncomfortable; in a way, it was fitting that her judgment was what tore things apart.

For a minute, I twirled my fork, anxiously poking at my food and attempting to decide what to say. My brain flitted back to what I'd said to Luke in anger, about telling my dad the truth. Deep down, I knew he'd be okay with who I was, but it didn't make it any easier for me to pluck up the courage to speak.

Almost serendipitously, my dad spoke again. "You know you can talk to me, right? I may not be able to withhold judgment completely, but I can listen, understand, and maybe--if you let me--give you some advice."

With what was probably my thousandth sigh of the day, I decided to do what he asked. "So...Luke and I...we were really good friends. Kind of, more than friends."

My heart was hammering, nervous adrenaline pushing every worst fear of my father's reaction to the forefront of my mind.

"I see," he said, simply. "Perhaps I'm not as surprised as you thought I might be?"

"I guess not," I mumbled, still worried.

"Kaden, you're my son, and if you think my love for you would change based on the chromosomes of who you love...you have absolutely nothing to fear. I can only imagine what you're feeling, but, if I've ever given you a reason to think you couldn't tell me that, I'm truly sorry."

"No...it's not that, it's just...it was better for the world to not know. For me and Luke at first, but mostly for Luke."

"Well," my dad said thoughtfully, "I can understand that. John's position on some social issues is a bit more barbaric than mine; I was hoping he'd come around to a more libertarian perspective on things...especially with me as an advisor...but it certainly would be a lot for him to process, finding out his son and his son's best friend were actually...involved...with one another." He smiled, looking amused. "But in the long run, who knows, I'd hope his own son could help him come around on his thoughts towards gay people--"

"I don't even know if I'm actually, like, fully...gay...dad," I interrupted, my frustration at the whole situation coming to a head. "I don't know, I've never felt this way about someone before, and then Luke's mom had to find out....fuck! This whole thing sucks."

"So that's what happened last night, the secret came out to Luke's mom?"

"Yep. And now things can't be the way the were anymore," I replied, most definitely unwilling to supply any further details.

"Well," my dad began again, "This may be hard to hear, but timing can be everything with someone. Your mom and I, well, we wanted to go different places. Both literally and figuratively. With Luke, it's hard, the first time you feel strongly for someone. Especially when social pressure means keeping secrets. A long time ago, when I first wondered about the two of you guys, do you remember what I told you?"

"Wasn't it something about making sure things reflect well on our families or something?" I vaguely remembered him saying something like that in a coffee shop downtown back in the fall.

"Exactly. I meant it, too, knowing from experience what trouble boys can get into." He smiled. "I also meant to be careful of where your emotions lead you. That's not to say you can't be who you are, but with Luke, in this situation, maybe there's a silver lining it it. There's a time and a place for relationships, but with Luke, right now...it's might just be too much to deal with. And I'm not saying that because of my relationship, working with John, but because I don't want to see you dealing with more pain than what the events of yesterday led to."

His words were sound, but they still hurt a bit, even though I'd made the decision to end things with Luke. Part of me felt better, hearing what he said. But the part of me that reason and self-control couldn't touch--the deep, emotional link with Luke that had been so suddenly severed--protested.

My dad must have sensed this, because he continued, "Time will heal, Kaden. I guarantee it. Even if it doesn't seem that way right now."

God, I hoped so.

***

The next two months were the longest and most miserable of my life, but also two of the most peaceful. From almost the first days I spent living in Montana, Luke had been there, a constant force in my new life. So much so that my entire existence had changed and revolved around the feelings I had for him. From days at school, weekends running around the mountains, football, riding horses, nighttime escapades...he'd been with me through it all.

And now, it was no more. There was no one beside me in bed, waking up on a morning in the dorms when Evan was gone, or in the back of a truck camping beneath the stars. There was no one to send a suggestive Snapchat to after a long day of classes and winter football workouts in the gym. When I could, I tried to avoid him in the halls, hoping that physical distance would make things easier. But there he was...in class, or in the same group of friends hanging out on the weekend, or in the gym, where it took every bit of self-control to not stare at him and think about every contour of his body or the feeling of his skin against mine. A deep, vague ache in my chest had soon replaced the pain in my head, living with me as a daily reminder of what I had had, and what could no longer be. But my life was also free of the constant, agonizing worry that had plagued my every waking moment since the night Luke's lips first touched my cock.

Evan was a rock for me, especially in the first couple weeks after I wrecked my truck. He was someone who'd listen, without judgment. He was someone to grab dinner or just hang out with. He tried to teach me to ski on the weekends, but my sorry Texas ass was far better at waterskiing than the real mountain deal. Other friends were there too, but they'd ask questions about Luke that I'd just have to shrug off. It never really struck me how much time the two of us had spent together; so much so, that even our mutual friends picked up on the fact we weren't always hanging out anymore.

Of course, Luke was still there. It was easy to keep things polite and professional at school, but we had the same group of friends. I mean, Luke's friends had become my friends, since week one of the school year. Whether it was Will, Logan, or Tristan...if I was with them, there was a good chance that Luke was around, too. A weekend movie night, a bonfire out at someone's family's place...we couldn't avoid each other. Luke would test out conversation with me, reminding me of some inside joke or memory we shared...I'd respond pleasantly enough, but couldn't find it in me to carry conversations forward. Not that part of me didn't want to, but I had enough self-control to maintain the brick wall I'd set between us.

I knew he hadn't let go. There were stares across a campfire, or classroom. I'd known Luke well enough to discern the pain he carried with him. He had the decency to avoid sending me texts or Snapchats, but some part of me that I'd never acknowledge felt depressed when he didn't try harder to...rekindle...things. I also knew I wouldn't admit to him my own second-guessing. For all the fear, anxiety, and eventually anger...I missed him. Not a day went by that I didn't wonder if we shouldn't simply talk and try to find a path forward together. But I guess I was just spiteful, proud, and a paradigm of cool-headed self-discipline.

So that was the way things were. January faded in February, and February into March. The days grew longer, and the frigid Bozeman winter started to meld into early spring; the pattern of glacial weather began to see the occasional interruption of springlike warmth, for which everyone was grateful.

As the world began to slowly thaw, so did my heart. Luke was still on my mind both day and night, but the pain had become more muted. My anger at him faded, and small amounts of understanding and acceptance began to creep into my mind. Whenever Evan asked me about the two of us, I'd shrug. College applications, tests, and the beginning of my track season filled the time, stoking my worries more and more, compared to the fair-haired, gray-eyed ghost from my recent past.

A ghost who loved me.

***

A blur of meadows, mountains, and trees dashed past me as the van wound its way up two-lane mountain highway, venturing ever farther into the Montana wilderness. I stared out the window in a trance, allowing my incongruous playlist of classic rock, country, and hip-hop to blare through my earbuds and shelter me from the rest of my cohort. We were on our way to what the school called "Outdoor Discovery," perhaps the most cliched title they could've come up with for a midweek cabin trip in the mountains. Three days and two nights of "experiential outdoor science, team building, and self-discovery outside of the traditional confines of school." I wasn't complaining, though, since a school trip that involved a few days out of the classroom was nothing that me, nor anyone I knew, would complain about.

"We're here."

"Hmph?" I responded, turning to Tristan, who was next to me in the van. The rule for our trip was "you can't room with your roommate from school" so we'd decided to do a simple switch: Evan and Luke, then me and Tristan. Evan had tried to ask if I wanted to room with Luke, but my death stare had stopped his muffled snickering in a flash.

"We just turned into the place," Tristan replied, amused at my incoherence.

"Gotcha." I perked up, watching as we pulled up to the countless rows of miniature timber cabins at our destination, some retreat that the school had rented. Dozens of my classmates piled out of the vans, dragging their duffel bags and suitcases towards the cabin whose number matched the assignments we'd been given. Tristan and I dumped our gear in one of them before getting distracted talking with Danny, Evan, and more of our combined group of football and soccer friends.

Evan had just begun to ask the group what the chances were of us getting caught drinking that night, confirming that he did indeed bring what he promised he would, when Luke sidled up next to me, setting my pulse pounding. I studiously avoided his eye when he tried to turn to talk to me, thankful when one of the teachers began hollering for us to meet by some flagpole for orientation. Thankful, I turned my back on him and started trudging along a path to the other side of the retreat.

"Something's really happened between you two, hasn't it?"

I turned my head so fast my neck popped. Next to me, Tristan had materialized so fast it was almost like he'd teleported there. He was looking at me with an inquisitive, genuinely concerned look on his face, walking next to me as we slowly trudged towards our designated meeting spot.

"What do you mean?" I began, cautiously, remembering the last time he'd snuck up on me. Or rather, us, when Luke and I had decided to claim the locker room shower as our own, back during the first week of class.

"Ever since the semester started. You and Luke are nice enough to each other when we're all hanging out, but before, it seemed like you two were practically inseparable. Not anymore." His expression had gone from questioning to knowing, but the look of concern was still there.

I sighed, giving Tristan a sidelong glance after making sure no one else was within earshot. "So you know we, uh, really were good friends. Really close."

"I do," he snorted, confirming that he did indeed understand what I was getting at. I figured there was no use in being coy when he'd obviously been onto us ever since the shower episode.

"Yeah. Well, it wasn't easy for us. A lot of shit going on. Better to just be friends, y'know?"

"Is that what you tell each other?" he murmured, almost like he was upset at the distance Luke and I were keeping.

"What? It's between us, Tristan, sometimes secrets and life are just too much. Besides, why don't you just ask Luke about this, he's your roommate...?" I stuttered, bewildered at his reaction.

"I did."

My feet stopped as a jolt of adrenaline hit me. Tristan made it a few paces forward before realizing I was no longer beside him, so he turned to look at me. Slowly, I took a few steps forward and asked, "And?"

"He was a bit more open about things once he realized I only meant well."

I frowned. "He just spilled his guts to you? Luke? King of secrets? People around here aren't known for being understanding of...uh...y'know."

Tristan resumed walking, looking slightly uncomfortable. "Well, he refused to tell me why you've been avoiding one another, but he did say that you and he really did have, like, a real thing going on...but only after I got up the courage to tell him about Will and I messing around after homecoming."

A sizzle of electricity shot through me. "I knew it!" I hissed, grinning "The way you reacted to Luke and I in the shower...and us being us, we kinda had some idea after seeing the two of at the dance."

Tristan seemed both encouraged and anxious at my response. "Will's probably not, like fully....y'know...and, I...I think I like both, I don't really know...but you two gave me hope. And then you guys called it quits!"

"It's not that simple, Tristan," I murmured, "At first, it was kinda fun having this secret thing with Luke. But after awhile, it just became this constant source of anxiety...it's the kind of thing you don't want to keep secret, but the fear of everyone finding out just makes it worse...at this point for us, it just made sense to let it go."

"Really?" Tristan frowned, looking slightly let down. "So fear trumps everything good that you have with someone?"

I should've been angry at his comment, but instead, it cut deeper into the doubts and misgivings about my decision that I'd carried since New Year's. "I don't know," I admitted, "but what I do know is that things weren't good the way they were."

"Are things better now?"

This time, hot anger flashed through my mind. "Fuck, I don't know, okay? It's not easy figuring this out, and it sounds like you understand that too, alright? It's not gonna be easy for people like us, who don't fit into the mold we're supposed to." I took a deep breath, then continued, calmer, "I don't know what's next for me and Luke, but I just don't want to feel all the bad shit that you wouldn't have in a straight relationship."

"So it's about you guys being gay for each other, then, nothing else?"

Tristan's questions were starting to really get under my skin. "I. Don't. Know," I retorted, curtly. "I guess." A new thought dawned on me, though, one that I was surprised hadn't crossed my mind before. For some reason, the possibility I'd just come across bothered me, deeply.

"Wait. So if you're at least kinda into dudes, Tristan, and you're roommates with Luke, who we both know is..." I trailed off, looking at Tristan expectantly, eyebrows raised.

"Nope, never, not even close," he replied, immediately, before adding, "I mean, I've checked him out and I noticed--or maybe imagined--him looking at me before. But this is the first year we're roommates. His first two years here, he was rooming with his best friend, Michael, but he ended up going to Europe or something to finish school. So last year he ended up with his own room but we kinda became better friends and decided to go for it, since I wanted to be a resident for my final year rather than live at home."

The cogs in my brain were whirring. Luke had mentioned Michael to me many times, even suggesting we go visit him wherever he was in Europe, over the summer. "So nothing's happened between you two?"

A flicker of a smile crossed Tristan's lips. "No. I mean, if Will wasn't here and you hadn't shown up...we are roommates, after all...who knows. But no." Tristan's smile expanded into a full-on grin. "You seem awfully concerned about Luke's romantic inclinations, for someone who isn't with him anymore."

I grunted noncommittally. "It's complicated."

Tristan laughed sharply. "So it seems. For what it's worth, I think he's full-on in love with you. Like, he hasn't been the same since the holidays."

We walked the rest of the way to the flagpole in silence, my emotions churning like they hadn't in almost two months.

***

To give our teachers some credit, they did try to put on a good first afternoon of Outdoor Discovery. The science teachers taught about the mountain climate and ecology in way that seemed much more relevant, being where we were. The history teachers went on about the local Native American tribes and the settlers that came later. Even English class took an inspired turn, where everyone in my class had to give a quick presentation on a Montana-set novel we'd read (the original Legends of the Fall for me, since I liked the movie and hadn't read the book till now).