When We Were Young

"Well, it's not like you haven't picked up my friends before."

"I never said I didn't pick up today," he said with a grin.

"You better not have."

He kept grinning and climbed into his ute, turning the engine over. Erin knocked on the passenger window, which he opened and she leant on the sill.

"I forgot to say thanks for manning the barbecue today."

"No worries, Sis," he said, always smirking. "It was nice to chat with all those lovely ladies."

"Yeah, and all the dads."

"They mostly want to hear war stories and shit."

"And you love being the centre of attention. By the way, did you talk to Charlie at all?"

"Briefly. We said hello, but I think he was avoiding me."

"You did threatened him."

"Fifteen years ago, and he needed a good threatening. I'm glad he's changed. He's not a bad guy."

"Yeah, he has changed. I saw you chatting up his new girlfriend."

"She was chatting me up," Connor said, putting his hands up as he leant across the cab. "She's, ah, very cute. I did get the impression she's threatened by you, though."

"She has nothing to worry about."

"I was washing up at the sink when you were playing and she came over to say goodbye. She saw you and Charlie out the window, shooting hoops and she took off. It's kinda amusing."

Erin snorted a laugh and shook her head. "So she's allowed to chat with guys, but Charlie can't chat with girls."

"Probably. I did let slip how you and Charlie used to date."

"Yeah, I know. I didn't know she didn't know, either."

"That's about it, ay. Anyway, Sis, I do have to go and get all spruced up for Bec. I'll check ya later."

She gave her brother a smile, patted the roof of the car and let him go, watching him drive down the road, her eyes squinting with the sun, halfway to the horizon of rooftops.

~0~

Erin took Cooper home to their small unit, and of course he wanted to play with all his gifts. Consequently, it took some time for Erin to get her son to clean up the devastation that was his presents strewn about the lounge room, and then to help him to sleep. Eventually she prevailed and afterwards she sighed, tired, knowing certain old toys would need to quietly disappear, to eventually be given away, making room for the new. When the deed was done, she sat down on her lounge, and began to type out a series of thank you text messages on her phone to the parents whose children attended Cooper's party. The last message was for Charlie.

Hey Charlie, thanks for bringing Billie and Tyler to Cooper's party. He had a great time and was pleased to see them. It was nice to see you and meet Isobel. She seems like fun. Oh, and you're still rubbish at basketball ;-) Erin

Charlie responded within a few minutes, Hi Erin, I'd offer you a rematch, but I don't want you getting hurt again. You have a habit of falling over when we play and maybe you should learn to accept my superior skills! I'm glad Cooper enjoyed his birthday, and Billie and Tyler also enjoyed themselves too. Isobel said you were lovely, but she thinks it's a bit funny we'd once dated. I should probably have told her. Oops. She's cool though. C

Erin smiled, and she sent another message, I'm glad she's cool. I suppose it's strange to meet your current partner's first love. I've never actually been in the situation so I don't know. btw, we both know the real reason you'd never have a rematch is because I'd flog you.

Charlie replied, As if you'd be able to flog me - you'd fall over at the first sign of me scoring against you. Maybe you should play soccer instead, because you're a champion at diving... You're probably right about Bella, but I think she has a bit of a jealousy issue. Nothing serious though. She's got nothing to worry about.

Erin read and reread Charlie's message, smiling at his diving comment, but wondering why Isobel, who was very attractive, would be jealous of thirty-six year-old her. She put it down to Isobel's age, and wrote back to Charlie, She's younger so maybe you're her first boyfriend with serious dating history. You're doing well mate, she's beautiful and I'm sure she'll be fine. After all, it's a big step for a 23 year old to date someone with a couple of kids. I'm happy for you.

Her phone soon beeped and of course it was Charlie again, Thanks Erin, it means a lot.

She considered her rekindling friendship with Charlie, and wondered if it were possible they'd be proper friends again, doubting it. She was too tired now to think too hard and long about it, anyhow, flicking him another message, I need to go to sleep, but let's organise another catch up sometime. I'd like to get to know Isobel more.

Great idea. We'll be in touch. Chat soon. C

Erin lay in bed, dead-tired, her mind roaming again, keeping her awake. She thought about the morning, having to meet with Liam for breakfast at a café, which she knew was important for Cooper but she didn't want to go. But she'd do anything for Cooper, and even when he didn't like it each time his father left, she felt it was important her son and his father have a strong relationship.

Unable to shut her mind off, Erin scrolled through her Facebook, which she mostly used to promote her wedding photography business, noting how Charlie recently Liked her professional business page.

Gosh, she thought, I'd blocked him from my personal profile all those years ago when Facebook first came out! She remembered how in the late naughties, when all her High School cohort began reconnecting through the new Facebook, she'd recognised Charlie's profile among other old friend's and acquaintance's Facebook pages, dreading a friend request from him. But it was long ago, and despite rarely using her personal Facebook profile, she now sent through a friend request to him, mostly on a whim.

She put her phone down and thought about Charlie and Isobel, thinking how they looked smitten with each other, but wondering about Isobel's feelings towards her, trying to imagine how she'd feel if she dated someone who was friendly with his ex-wife and former girlfriends.

I'd probably be suspicious of his motives, she decided, but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Which is likely how Isobel is reacting. Again she put Isobel's suspicions down to her age.

Does he tell her all the sweet and lovely things he used to say to me? Erin smiled in the darkness, hoping Charlie hadn't changed too much to be cynical about love, and hoping Isobel was receiving all the positive benefits of dating Charlie.

~0~

Erin was surprised when Charlie didn't accept her Facebook friend request, nor did he message or email her over the following days, then weeks. He'll contact me if he wants to, she thought, surprised she found herself disappointed she'd not heard from him.

Connor invited Erin and Cooper to dinner at his house one evening, introducing them to Rebecca, the new Krav Maga instructor at his Dojo. She was fit, very fit as far as Erin could tell, with straight black hair and dark eyes and more than a few tattoos, both her arms sleeved in ink, more-so than her brother's even.

"So, you two..." she whispered to Connor while Rebecca was out of the room.

"Uh huh." He nodded with a grin.

Erin recognised Rebecca as a good match for Connor, and in her heart she became excited for him. Over dinner Connor discussed how he'd formulated a program aimed at self-defence for children, telling her, "It's mostly Brazilian Jiu Jitsu with a few other things thrown in, designed for defence so they don't get too cocky and think they can go around beating up other kids. We're aiming for a minimum age of five, and I was wondering if Coops would like to be in the first class?"

"How about you ask him?" she replied. Cooper agreed, of course, because he adored his Uncle and enjoyed wrestling with him.

"You should come, Sis," Connor said. "Get you back doing some BJJ or Muay Thai or try my mixed self-defence classes."

"Or you could try Krav," Rebecca said, then she smiled at Connor. "You always forget to mention it!"

"Ha, nah, I mentioned it to Erin the other week, actually." Then he looked to Erin. "Bec's seriously into CrossFit too, if you want to do some additional fitness training. Remember, you make time, not wait for it."

Erin took them up on their offers, taking Cooper along to the Dojo for the kid's class twice a week, and tentatively began an hour's Krav Maga class with Rebecca while Cooper was doted on by Uncle Connor. She'd previously trained with her brother on-and-off since he'd returned to Brisbane after leaving the Army, so knew bits and pieces of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, kickboxing and a few other things her brother taught her over the years, and it didn't take long to get back into some kind of groove.

Outside of the classes Erin found she clicked with Rebecca, and they began exercising together a couple of times a week, mostly running and gym work. This became her routine, and despite all the initial soreness and pain, she began to feel good, then felt great as her fitness increased.

"I've taken to running in my lunch break," Erin said after one of their early sessions. "Do you have any recommendations for running music to inspire me and drown out the sounds of the traffic and give me a beat to run to?"

"I have a playlist of running songs on Spotify," Rebecca replied. "I'll share it with you if you have the app."

The following day Erin decided she'd spend the forty minutes she'd allocated for a lunchbreak running, jogging around her neighbourhood. One of the perks of working from home when processing photographs was wearing anything Erin liked, and so she was already in her activewear tights, sports bra and singlet, rearing to go. After her stretches, she was out the door into a wall of humidity, jogging up the road, earbuds in with Rebecca's playlist pumping.

Lots of indie rock, she thought, listening to Arctic Monkeys' I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor, Electric Six's Gay Bar, and a few other songs she didn't recognise. She did appreciate the effort Rebecca made in choosing each song, because she found them generally suitable to run to.

Erin felt good, then amazing, hitting her stride and only puffing slightly, exercise always making her feel great, endorphins doing their thing, sweat pouring from her. Soon she was hauling up a steep hill she'd named 'The Bitch', the halfway mark of her run, and her breathing grew deeper and leg muscles began to burn, but focusing on the music helped her push through the barrier.

Almost at the top of the incline, the song ended, a new one beginning, hitting her in the heart like a bullet, the unmistakable poppy-rock drum and guitar intro to Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind, and she slowed to a walk, preparing to skip the song, then turning the music off all together, jogging back to her unit to the sounds of traffic on the road and an aircraft flying overhead.

Sticky and sore and hot, Erin stretched out her muscles in her air-conditioned lounge room, then decided a quick shower was a must before returning to her work-flow. Passing her office on the way through to her tiny en suite, the decorated shoe box full of Charlie's old magic caught her eye, because she'd placed it out of reach of little hands, at her eye-height on the floating book-shelf above her desk.

The box called to her and she placed it on her desk, opening the lid, the scraps of note paper filling it to the brim. She knew where to look, knowing she shouldn't, but it was too late, because she reached to the very bottom of the pile, pulling out a folded piece of lined note paper covered in erratic creases from being screwed up at one point in its past.

Dear Erin,

I'm not asking for forgiveness anymore. I've already asked for it more times than I can count and I know I've lost you forever. I know I'm a moron and said some shitty things to you and I regret every one of them. I know I blamed you for breaking my heart, but I don't blame you anymore. I know it's all my fault. I know your heart is broken and so is mine, and I also know time is unlikely going to heal us.

As I've told you, I wasn't in the best frame of mind, but like you said, I know there's no excuse. If I were to have a second chance, I'd try so hard not to screw up, but I know I'm not getting any second chances. I feel anything I write will sound selfish, so I'll leave you with this - I want you to know in my heart of hearts, if I can have one wish, it's for you to have great happiness in life. Because you deserve it.

All my love forever and ever,

Charlie

Erin folded the note and placed it back in the box, on top this time, and closed the lid. Her heart was sinking, and she bit her lip, trying to keep herself together, remembering at the time she thought this letter was simply another change of tact by Charlie to guilt-trip her, hoping to win her back. But she never heard from him again, until the day she'd recognised him at the wedding.

Putting the box back on the shelf, she undressed and jumped in the shower, feeling the steaming water wash her sweat-sticky skin clean. Closing her eyes, Erin recalled the evening she'd arrived home from university to find Charlie and Nik sitting at the kitchen table, a half-full bottle of Bundy and an almost empty two-litre bottle of Coke between them, and Semi-Charmed Life blaring from the stereo. Charlie hadn't greeted her with his normal cuddle and kiss, but stayed seated at the table, not even looking up, but saying, "Reuben's in deep shit with the coppers."

"Who's Reuben?"

"Froggy, the guy who drove us to the club."

"Maybe he'll learn he shouldn't be dealing drugs. You too, Nikko, because you're both getting caught up with the wrong crowd."

"Shit, Erin," Nik had said, "They're good guys, and now we're gonna get busted."

"Busted for what? Why would the cops be looking at you? Like, if you haven't done anything wrong, what are you worried about? But if you're mixed up with their dealings, maybe this'll give you a reality check. You as well, Charlie, because I know you've been hanging with them too."

Charlie's reaction was aggressive. "They're not fuckin' criminals, Rin, they're our mates, muckin' about and having a bit of fun."

"They're drug dealers, Charlie. And this is not my fault, so please don't speak to me like it is. And Nikko, I love you too because we've been friends since the beginning of High School, but I have nothing to do with the police investigating those guys, and if you're caught up with them, I can't help it. I wish things were different, but if they're not, it's not on me."

"We know it's not your fault, but your brother did call his cop mates," Charlie had said with less aggression, but his tone was still accusatory.

Nik stared at her, shaking his head. "I'm fuckin' shittin' me-self, Rin. They're not fuckin' drug dealers. Can't you talk to your brother?"

"Okay, sure, maybe they're not drug dealers, but my brother has no influence with the police, and also, I don't like the way either of you are talking to me. Charlie, it's not right, I'm your girlfriend, not your enemy."

"Sorry, Rin, we're just...upset."

She'd looked to both men, Nik with his recently shaved head and Charlie who was increasingly moody and now aggressive, so unlike the man she'd known and loved for most her life, and she'd looked to the bottle of rum. "I know, but drinking isn't helping. How about you give the booze a break for a while, Charlie?"

He'd thumped his fist on the table, making her jump, and the rum bottle too, crashing on its side, and he yelled, "Fuck, Erin, I'm just having a few drinks. We're all adults so don't treat me like a kid, Jesus fucking Christ, stop being a bitch..."

"This is not happening," she'd whispered, taking a deep breath to calm the crack developing within her heart and soul. "If you're going to talk to me this way, I'm going to go to Mum's for a bit."

Charlie had glared up at her with blue eyes full of ice. "Is this how it is now? You're going to fuck off the first moment we have a blue? Go on then, fuck off to ya Mum's, because you're always gonna hold the other fucking night over me, I can tell."

Erin's heart shattered, broken for the first time, the man she loved turning on her, their relationship which she'd let herself believe to be almost perfect was collapsing. She turned away so he wouldn't see her tears, heading straight to their room, but she heard Nik cap the spilt bottle of rum, telling Charlie, "Shit, mate, don't be a cunt, fuckin' go after her."

"Fuck you, Nikko, you and Froggy were the ones badgerin' me to sort this mess...FUCK ME!"

Eventually Charlie followed her to their room, telling her he was sorry, over and over. She'd firmly told him to leave her alone, and he'd sat on the end of the bed and she'd ignored him, curling up in a ball, and he'd left, slamming the bedroom door with a sharp crack, leaving her feeling truly alone for the first time ever. A million happy memories unravelled in her mind, unable to compete with the way Charlie had spoken and acted.

So at twenty years old, Erin walked away from Charlie, the love of her life, the person she'd expected to grow old with, vowing never to let a man treat her like dirt again.

And fifteen years later she imagined the Charlie's hurtful actions and words flowing out of her, like the dirt they were, the steaming water carrying them to the drain at her feet, washing them away, and her heart replaced the old hurt with love and forgiveness.

~0~

Erin's phone chimed, indicating someone contacted her through Facebook Messenger. In the backseat of the car, Cooper pipped up, "Someone messaged, Mummy."

"Aren't you a little tech guru," she smiled, looking into the rear-view mirror, glimpsing the top of Cooper's head. "Can't answer it while I drive though."

She dropped her son at his childcare, with hugs and kisses and I love yous, then Cooper pleaded with her to stay and play, clinging to her arm or hugging her until one of the educators distracted him, asking for his help with some task or another. The same performance playing out the same way, almost every single day.

Erin made her escape, sighing with guilt, then checked her phone when she returned to the car. It was Libby Pham, her oldest friend.

Hey, Lady! Guess what? I'm coming over to Brisbane with the kids for a couple of weeks at Christmas and New Years and will be staying at Mum and Dad's place. Let's catch up! Maybe we can even get the oldies to babysit so we can have a night out? Oh, and since you've reconnected with Charlie, I'd love to see him too! It'd be like getting the gang back together. You can tell him, or maybe you can give me his details and I'll contact him. Can't wait! L xox

She replied immediately, Hey gorgeous girl, awesome! Can't wait to see you. I haven't spoken to Charlie in a few weeks but I'll let him know and see what he says. xox

Here goes nothing, she thought, taking a deep breath and typing out a phone text. Hey Charlie, Lib's coming to town over Xmas and NY, and wants to catch up with both of us. No details yet, but will keep you informed. She wants to get the gang back together...

Erin didn't receive a reply all morning, but didn't think too much of it, getting stuck into the business of processing photos, finding herself slightly behind because of her long shower the previous day. Entering the work-flow zone which could only be broken by the occasional sip of coffee, which she'd argue was a critical component of her work-flow, she decided to skip her lunch-break jog and crack on, given it look like it might rain anyhow.