While We have This Moment Ch. 01

"Yeah, yeah, I get it," he sighed. "I just worry about them. A lot."

"That's part of your job," I said reassuringly. "It always will be, even when they're 40 years old you'll be worrying about them."

"Hmm," he murmured, looking out the window and exhaling slowly.

I followed his gaze, then squinted my eyes. I saw it, at the end of the yard, under the shade of the trees. It was only a few yards wide, but the smoothness of the surface told me it was deep enough.

"You have a stream?" I whispered in awe.

Aaron turned his head back at me and smiled. "Yeah," he answered softly, looking back out the window. "Technically, that's the border of my property."

"It's beautiful," I told him, wanting to run across the yard and get a closer look.

"I know," was all he said.

"How's the fishing?" I asked.

"I wouldn't know," he replied with a half-smile.

"Would it be OK if I found out?" I asked. "Assuming I get the job, of course."

"Hmm? You fish? Yeah, help yourself. It's about three of four feet deep in the middle, so I guess there's something you can catch."

"Sweet," I whispered to myself. Then turning to face Aaron, I said, "OK, if I work here, you have to let me go fish out there whenever I want to when I'm not working."

Aaron chuckled at my addendum. "Yeah, sure. That's fine," he said, never turning his gaze from the window. "Just make sure the house doesn't end up smelling like fish."

"If it does, I'll be sure you can blame the kids," I promised.

*******

Jared listened patiently as I talked about my trip to meet Aaron and the kids. He noted my nearly empty wine glass and asked if I wanted to order more.

"No, I'm good, thanks," I assured him. I could see the wheels spinning in his head as he measured the tone of my response. That was one little thing that bothered me about Jared. He always seemed to be calculating. He was an ambitious guy: reasonably handsome, comfortably charming, and promisingly intelligent. He was a college friend of Kara's boyfriend. Kara was the other nurse at the clinic. Eight years my junior, she had long lamented my single status at such an "advanced" age. She set Jared and me up and still cherished dreams of our finding a happily ever after. I wondered if she was planning for the four of us to have a double wedding.

Jared was a good conversationalist, which I appreciated. He had a way of talking about himself that didn't feel conceited. And he never took it too far, always seeking ways to turn the conversation back to me. Sometimes it felt genuine and considerate, but other times it felt practiced. I knew his job often required him to entertain clients for his publishing company. Every now and then I felt like a client being schmoozed.

But the best times were when his less-polished side showed through. His awkward, insecure side was the facet of his personality that I most enjoyed connecting with. So far I had only seen it in brief, unguarded moments. As he called for the bill that evening, I sighed, wishing we weren't in such a fancy restaurant. Jared always rose to the class of his context.

"Next time, can we just get some burgers and take them to the park or something?" I asked, wanting to see him in a more casual context.

"Sure," I smiled as he glanced back at me. His eyes were on the waiter coming towards us.

"Have you ever been fishing?" I asked.

Jared gave me an odd look as he signed the check, as if my question was out of place.

"Where did that come from?" he laughed.

"Just something on my mind," I shrugged.

"Not for a long time. Since I was a little kid, I think," he answered as we stood to leave. "I always found it a little too... I don't know... slow."

"Hmm," I responded, thinking of the stream in Aaron's yard. We got to the parking lot, where our cars were only a few spaces apart.

"Hey," he said, stepping closer. "Next Saturday, we'll do the park thing, OK?"

"That'd be nice," I answered, searching his eyes for some sign that he was genuinely looking forward to it.

"Of course it will," he said softly, moving closer. I leaned in, letting his lips brush my cheek. I felt a small thrill at being touched so gently. Jared had been patient. We hadn't talked about physical boundaries yet, but it was clear I wasn't rushing towards that. It was still so early...

Jared opened his mouth and took a deep breath, as if to say something. Then he seemed to changed his mind and smiled. With a slight wave, he ducked down into his car and shut the door. I stood there a moment, wishing to know what had been on his mind.

*******

"So I got a phone call from someone named Aaron yesterday," Macy said casually as she stirred a pan of hash browns on the stove. Emily had just crawled into my lap, making it hard to bring my coffee mug to my lips. Even though she was a little too big for lap-sitting, I made exceptions for her when she first woke up. Her head flopped onto my shoulder and it almost sounded as if she was asleep again.

"Yeah, about that..." I said.

"He was quite thorough. Lots of questions. I think he's taking this very seriously."

"Can't be too careful when it comes to your kids," I said, looking fondly at Emily. I had known her since she was born and she felt like a niece or baby sister to me.

"Are you going to check up on him, too?" Macy asked.

"I don't... I mean, I wasn't..." I stammered. The thought hadn't occurred to me. It had been a few days since I had met Aaron and I was simply waiting to hear back from him.

"Oh, it's probably fine. I'm just wary of strange men," she said with a sigh. "Especially when they are around people I care about."

"What strange man?" Emily mumbled without lifting her head.

"Shh," I whispered. "It's nothing." That seemed to pacify her for the moment. After a few seconds she abruptly stood up and said, "I want my iPad." Her mother and I watched her shuffle out of the room.

Then Macy turned towards me and asked, "Anyway, how are things with Jared?"

I took a long drink of coffee, holding the bitter liquid in my mouth for a moment before swallowing, then exhaled loudly. "I just feel nervous. I don't like this stage of not knowing where things are going. If I knew we had a future together, I think I would be OK taking it slow. But if not..."

"You don't want to waste your time?" she suggested.

"Maybe," I said softly.

"Are you scared of being close to him... to any man?"

"You think I'm scared?" I asked, tying not to sound insulted.

"Maybe scared isn't the right word. Hesitant? I mean... Denise, how long has it been since... since Tim?"

A wash of memory and emotion swept me away from the moment. I didn't think about Tim much, not if I could help it. "Ten years this May," I said quietly as Macy sat down opposite me at the table.

"Ten years," Macy said softly, slowly. "That's a long time. And you and Tim were pretty close."

As she spoke, I subconsciously rubbed the finger where the engagement ring had been. I hadn't worn the ring in almost ten years but sometimes I still panicked when I noticed my finger was bare.

"Of course it's hard to be casual about a guy," Macy said reassuringly. "And you don't want to get hurt again."

"No, but that's a risk I'm going to have to take eventually, right?" I said, trying to be cheery.

"Yeah, but not alone," she smiled. "And not without a little more wisdom from your past experience, right?" As she spoke, her eyes turned up to see Randy walking into the kitchen. Wordlessly, the young teenager piled hash browns and bacon on his plate, sat down next to us, and mumbled a sleepy greeting before digging in.

I grinned at my friend as our eyes met, then went to the stove to get my own plate of food.

*******

That night, weary from a long day at the clinic, I had a light dinner and went to bed early. But before drifting off to sleep, I pulled out my computer and searched for some folders I had not accessed in a long time. I found the one labeled "2007 Spring Hike" and opened it. Tim and I had met in Georgia in 2005 when I was on an overnight hike of the Appalachian Trail. The girlfriend going with me backed out at the last minute, and Tim and I ended up hiking together after we met on the trail the first day. We camped separately that night, then spent the next day hiking together. By the end of the second day, we were a couple. Whenever we could get away, we traveled up to where we had left off the previous trip and hiked more of the trail, planning to complete the whole thing together eventually. Our honeymoon was supposed to get us up to Maine.

Our hike in spring 2007 was through the beautiful Shenandoah National Park. With ten days of hiking, we covered 200 miles. Some nights we were in cabins, and some nights we shared a tent. I stared at one picture of Tim frying a fish over our campfire. It was our second night out, and he had just proposed to me that afternoon. I remembered how, after dinner, we had stripped down and bathed in the nearby river before rushing back to the warmth of our tent. Still naked, we crawled into one sleeping bag, giggling and moaning at the joy of sharing our body heat.

The next picture in the series was a selfie of the two of us. A horrible picture, really: in the dark, the flash reflecting off our foreheads, nothing visible but our faces. And yet I smiled as I looked at it, slipping my hand under my flannel shorts and lightly rubbing between my legs. I remembered how Tim had put the camera down after taking that shot, then continued rolling until he was perched above me. I remembered his rough, heavy hands moving gently over my mound, teasing my lips with his fingers. I remembered the smell of fish on our breaths and the feel of excitement as his finger moved slowly inside me. I remembered how he would work me like that, moving in and out with agonizing patience until my hips started bucking up to meet him. As I set the computer aside and began rubbing more earnestly around my clit, I remembered the sudden pause of his fingers followed by an uncontrollable gasp escaping my lips as I was taken by his fullness.

By the time I had caught my breath, he was stroking steadily into me - slowly, firmly, with determination. When I opened my eyes and looked up, he was gazing down at my face, his expression vulnerable, questioning. I knew what he was thinking. Did I love him? Would I stay with him? Or would I leave him like his last lover did, clearing out and moving away without a word? I touched my palm to his cheek and whispered, "I love you," glancing at the modest diamond on my finger. His mouth sought mine and out tongues fought to express in kisses what they failed to capture with words.

We often made love outdoors. The stillness of our environment, the freedom of our isolation, the almost primal sense of acting so naturally outdoors - but added to everything that night was the emotional intensity of our engagement. I remembered cumming softly, almost imperceptibly as Tim slowed down and slid his hands up and down my sides. Carried away in my reminiscing, my fingers slipped through my lips and past my entrance just as I began tensing up in orgasm. I could clearly see Tim's face, the pleasure he felt as I cooed and kissed him towards completion. I remember hugging him close and smiling as he spent himself inside me. Comfortably in the soft bed at my apartment, my shoulders and head lurched forward as I peaked. Leaning softly back again, I writhed and teased out the sensations until the chirping of my phone brought them to an abrupt end. With a sigh, I looked longingly at Tim's face one more time before closing out the folder and putting my computer aside.

Reaching for my phone, I saw a text from Aaron. Call me if you are still interested in the job.

Even as I read it, another text arrived. Sorry, didn't notice the time. Call me tomorrow. If you're still interested.

I chuckled at the awkwardness of his messages. I set the phone back on my nightstand, resolving to call in the morning. Sliding down in my bed until the covers were up to my neck, I sighed in contentment and drifted off to sleep.

*******

I vaguely recalled hearing my phone receive a few more messages that night, but I ignored them, planning to catch up on Aaron's messages in the morning. When I woke up an hour before dawn, I was surprised to find messages not just from Aaron but from three different senders. What was everyone doing awake after 10pm?

Aaron had written, Call me if you're not interested in the job, too, so I can know. Sorry to keep bugging you.

Jared had texted to set up a time for our picnic that Saturday.

And Gina, one of my supervisors at the clinic, wrote, Hey, Tom and I each got phone calls about you regarding a job. Are you leaving us?!?! CALL ME!

Before even getting out of bed, I had quickly answered everyone, saving fuller explanations for a more reasonable hour. Then, once I had gone through my morning routine and was heading out the door, I sent a quick text to Macy. Do you think I made the right decision about Tim? Macy had been supportive, but she had never offered her opinion. I knew she had one and would only share it when asked. In ten years, I had never asked.

By the time I was starting up my car, just as the sun became visible between apartment buildings across the street, I had received a one-word response. Yes.

*******

I had promised to call Aaron that afternoon, when I finished work at the clinic. That morning, I had pacified Gina and Tom (and Dottie, and Kara), assuring them that I wasn't leaving the clinic anytime soon but would simply be less available for extra hours. I texted Jared to tell him I would bring food to the park if he could bring drinks and a blanket. And by the time my shift ended, I was on the phone with Aaron.

"Yes, I'm still interested," I said when he answered. "And I hear you've been vetting me pretty thoroughly."

"Yes, well..." he sighed, "it's my kids, you know?"

"I get it," I laughed. "I'm just teasing."

"Oh. No problem," he answered. "Anyway, I have a few more questions. Nothing that is a deal breaker, more like... wanting to know a little better who you are, what to expect, all that. But like I said, nothing that would change things. I'd still like to offer you the job, starting as soon as you are available."

I paused mid-stride on the sidewalk, almost getting plowed into by people walking behind me. "Great!" I said, more enthusiastically than I intended. "Can I come by tomorrow afternoon?"

"Sure, I - "

"Oh wait," I cut him off. "I have a date. Maybe in the morning? Or late evening?"

"Morning is busy for us - we'll be out. Evening is fine. We'll be home, just come over whenever. You can bring your boyfriend, if you like. It might be good for him to meet the kids, too."

"Oh. Oh, no, it's not like that... not yet. At least, I don't think... I mean..." Why was it so hard to explain?

"It's OK. Don't worry about it. My point is... we're pretty casual here. See you tomorrow, OK?"

"OK, Aaron, g'bye." I pocketed my phone, sighed happily, and resumed walking. It was Friday afternoon, I had a date the next day and a new job afterwards.

*******

Macy sniffled and dabbed a tissue at the corners of her eyes. "Enough about me," she stated, tossing the tissue onto the table and lifting her coffee mug to her lips. "What's new with you?"

"Well, no ex-husbands trying to make trouble with my kids," I tried to joke, "so pretty boring, I guess." We were in the corner of a quiet coffee shop on the first Saturday morning of the month - a tradition we had honored for as long as Macy had been married to Ernst. Nine years, I realized. I never imagined we would be such close friends when we had met twelve years ago. Macy was a newly-single mom trying to pay the bills by working at the diner where I used to do most of my studying for nursing school. Bottomless coffee made me a fixture there.

"Jared? Tim? New job?" she fished. "Anything to get my mind off this stuff?"

"Jared and I are going on a picnic in the park today..."

"Ooooh, how sweet," she grinned.

"Yeah," I said slowly. "It's just getting to that awkward in-between phase. Like, are we a couple? What would that even entail? Do I want that? You know?"

"I think you can answer most of those questions already," Macy stated, as if it was obvious. I raised a questioning eyebrow. She playfully rolled her eyes and sighed. "Being a couple entails whatever you want it to. And if you have to ask, then no, you're not. And I think you want it, but maybe not with Jared."

"What?!" I sputtered, leaning forward and setting my mug down before I spilled it while talking with my hands. "What do you mean 'not with Jared'? Who else is there in my life?"

Macy looked slightly amused but held up her palms in a conciliatory gesture. "Hey, I didn't mean anything by it. I'm just saying... maybe you like the idea of Jared a little more than you like Jared."

I slumped back and covered my face with my hands. "Ugh, you're totally right," I moaned. "I mean, I want Jared to work out, partly because..." I trailed of, uncomfortable with the thought of finishing my sentence.

Macy, however, had no such qualms. "Because it's been so long and you don't know if you'll get another chance?"

I narrowed my eyes, unwilling to concede that she was probably right. "Because he's a nice guy, he's responsible, he's handsome, he has a good job, treats me decent, and - "

"Treats you decent?" Macy jumped in. "Surely you have higher standards than that?"

"Macy, I haven't even... you know... kissed him or anything yet. I don't expect him to be fawning all over me. We're still at the polite stage of things. But yes, it's been a while and I don't want to rush. But I also don't want to move too slow and miss out."

"Oh, Denise," Macy moaned. "I feel so bad. I feel like I robbed you of your Friday nights for so many years. You watched my kids for so long and I never thought much about what you were giving up: the chance to get out there and be young and have all the -"

"Oh, hush," I interjected. "You didn't force me to give up anything. Besides, I don't really want a Friday night kind of guy. I never have. Tim wasn't like that."

"Tim was rather domestic, wasn't he?"

"Yeah," I sighed, my thoughts drifting to the source of our break-up.

"What about Jared?" Macy asked, cutting of my mental tangent. "Is he a Friday night guy? Or more like Tim?"

"Jared? He's... He's kind of like an uptown Friday night guy. Like... not a party guy, but a 'drinks at a fancy new place where everyone is still wearing a suit' kind of guy."

Macy screwed her face up and seemed to be trying to imagine what I was describing. "Really?" she asked. "I just can't picture you in that crowd."

"Me either," I said without thinking. "But I also wonder if Jared is just playing the part until he gets settled in his career. He's hinted that he wants to settle down and have a family and all that."

"Are you hot for him?" she asked abruptly.

"Macy!" I whispered sharply.

"What?" she shrugged. "It's a fair question. Could you see yourself breaking your 10 year fast with him?"

I paused, my mug halfway to my mouth, my eyes searching the room for an answer. "Maybe," I said at last. "But at this stage it would be a toss up as to whether that would be an expression of love or just runaway hormones."

Macy laughed softly, shaking her head. "Girl," she smiled, "after ten years, I think you've got your hormones in check."

"Only for lack of opportunity," I mumbled into my coffee.