Who Needs Her?

He'd only seen her once since she'd been back. He figured the worst was probably over. He'd hated the way she looked then, the way she smelled. It brought all the memories rushing back to his gut. The three months she'd been gone had been both a blessing and a torture. He'd moved on. Found a girl less than a month after she'd left. Not that it was hard for him, it never had been. The easy ones all wanted him, always had. Of course that threw Chora's integrity and grace into harsh relief against their obviousness. He'd admired her, thought her classy. Her way with guys blew him away while her relationships always left him conflicted. He'd find himself ready to throttle the latest asshole to make her cry and at the same time, relieved to the core that she was rid of him. The years of being her closest friend, and no more, had left him bitter and tired.

He hated her now, he'd decided while she was gone. That's what he wanted to feel now. Love had just pissed him off and left him empty. But deep inside he feared that he couldn't believe it, not really. Not her. She hadn't done anything, hadn't meant to hurt him. As much as he wanted to blame her he knew it was the cowardly thing to do. She may not have wanted him back but you couldn't really blame her for that. She continued being a great friend. He could have walked away at any time, maybe he should have.

No, he thought with self-loathing, you had to wait until she was out of the country before you screwed up the courage to move on.

That thought had the frustrations starting to get the better of him again. He shook it off. Well, if I can't hate her I can still act like I hate her. He needed to lash out and he didn't care if it was fair or not. Knowing he was being childish stopped him from seeking her out to confront her but he didn't know if his self-control would hold when she came to him. He felt certain she would.

As the days went by without her his attitude grew worse. He was cranky with the people around him and knew it was stupid. He simply couldn't find the strength to care. He began to think ruefully of what he would do if he ever did lay his eyes on her.

He just hadn't anticipated she would be so mad. He didn't mind her this way though. She was glorious when she was angry. Her color was heightened and her eyes danced.

"How dare you?" The question was out of her mouth before he even had the door fully open.

"Chora", he responded calmly, which she hadn't expected. It made her hesitate just a moment.

"How dare you?" This time she added a shove at his chest that moved him enough for her to pass into the apartment. He closed the door and followed her into the living room. He kept his hands in his pockets and was concentrating on keeping his breathing calm. Her obvious irritation was like adding fuel to the fire. She'd been out of his life for three months and now the intensity of the moment brought the recent lack of their intimacy to center stage in his mind.

"You'll have to be more specific, kid." The dry, almost cynical, use of the nickname he'd given her, which had been unanimously adopted by their almost exclusively male circle of friends, had her angry shell cracking.

He saw hurt underneath and instantly realized anger was better. He hadn't meant that reaction, it was supposed to be mocking. The guys had pretty much let go of the nickname, but Ben had never quite given it up and it wound up his personal endearment for her again.

"How dare you shun me like this? How dare you act like I've done something wrong?" The bite was substantially less acidic but the prickles were back.

"Oh that's rich. That phone receives calls too you know. Don't barge in here like a whiny teenage girl about me not calling you. I've got a life." Her look of hurt stabbed at him and he wondered what response he'd even wanted out of her. "Look, just go. I'm tired and cranky. Ignore me."

"Why are you mad at me? What did I ever do to you?"

He stared at her for a few tense moments. Words streamed through his head that he had no intention of sharing. He noticed her studying his face and snapped back from his musings.

"Or maybe its what I didn't ever do to you?" She seemed intent, serious. Concerned even. It brought his anger back to the surface.

"Fuck off. Don't give me that shit." His mind was scrambling.

"I've been talking to the girls this morning." His eyes met hers and he went still at the implications.

"And what did the girls have to say?" This was leading somewhere big. He could feel it building, growing.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She was getting excited again while he remained deadly calm.

"What did they say, Chora?" Her stomach was in her throat. She just wanted to grab hold of him and make everything ok. She wasn't good at tense moments, she was awkward. He seemed on the edge of something. What if they were wrong? She could feel the panic rising in her. She opened her eyes to meet his and knew they'd been right. How had she not seen it before. Tears came to her eyes but didn't spill over. "Jesus, you're killing me kid. You've got looks that could slay a man." His friendly shift had her relaxing. "What did they say?" He asked her slowly and she knew he understood the situation. She took a deep breath and prepared to change the most important relationship in her life.

"They said you've been acting mad at me because you have feelings for me. And and that you have for a while."

"And what did you say?" She was exasperated by his calmness. Just like him too.

"What? Ben. That's not the "

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'what the fuck are you talking about? No, he's not. What are you guys, drunk?' And more things along those lines.

"Don't give me that."

"What?"

"Oh, come off it, Chora." The anger was back and in an instant. "You knew."

"I didn't know."

"Yes, you did." He was close to shouting at her now. He thought darkly that at least it meant he knew himself as yelling had topped the list of things he'd do when he saw her again. "I told you."

"How can you think I knew? All these years? God, Ben, I'd never have depended on you like I did, about my relationships, about guys. How could you think I'd treat you that way?" She was matching his fury in her own way, backing him into a table as she yelled. "Don't you think I would have done something if I'd known? What are you thinking?"

His eyes searched her intensely for a moment. "What do you mean," he demanded.

"I've had enough of this. I'm I'm sorry." She turned to go but he caught her hand and led her to a chair.

"Please, tell me because I want so badly to believe you right now." The emotion stirring in his eyes warmed the ache in her gut. She blushed as she lowered her head to answer him, his intensity intimidating her.

"I don't think it comes as a surprise to you that you are considered very good looking." This was not the answer he was looking for and he hoped she had more.

She should really stop there she told herself. But she couldn't lie to him, it hadn't been his looks. "Add to that, the fact that you're the closest friend I've ever had, that you know me better than anybody and that you're the only one who can come close to beating me at scrabble. I would have been a fool to pass that up, Ben. If you had ever told me, I would have been a fool." Her voice had gotten very quiet as she struggled with emotion.

"I did tell you. And you let me know it was a stupid idea." His chest was rising and falling quickly. His brain was struggling to sort through the situation. He'd never known her to be dishonest but something wasn't clicking.

"What? When?"

He was back on his feet pacing the room. "A few times, Chora. Are you trying to embarrass me? I never made a pass, no. Of course not. I wouldn't risk that. Until now I've been willing to take what I can get rather than hold out for what I want. So I didn't jump you, sorry."

She could sense his anxiety, this was killing him. "I sent out feelers every now and then and every time I got the same response from you." The pieces were starting to link up in her head. Oh god. She thought. No no no! He had. He had made comments, little flirts now and then that were laced with subtle suggestions. He saw the connection play across her face as her mind raced to catch up.

"Ben, no, honey. I didn't know, I thought you were kidding." She could all but feel the contempt coming from him. "No, really. I would never have said what I said had I known."

"You mean about it being the silliest thing you'd heard of? Silliest." He all but spit the word at her.

"But Ben, you don't understand." She was talking rapidly, desperately.

He was so close to letting himself go. To just reaching over to her and taking what he'd always wanted.

"The girls around town, they all wanted you. They did and you knew it. I was just Chor, one of the guys. No, I didn't mind. It's been great in a lot of ways. But I always knew I wasn't what you guys were really after so I never thought of you that way. I guess it was a kind of self-defense. And the other guys were always teasing me too, saying they'd never find a girl who, I don't know, made pancakes as good as me or whatever. I usually flirted back but with you ." His eyes locked on hers as her voice trailed off. He waited as he stared at her. "With you I couldn't, um, because you're the best. Just the best person I've ever met and I couldn't let anyone see that and I couldn't let myself...um...I can't. I'm gonna lose it. I have to go."

He rushed passed her as she went for the door. Catching her shoulders, he held her and brought his face down to her level. The heat in his eyes had her breathing ragged and feeling unsteady on her feet.

"What makes it so unbelievable that I want you?" Her gaze dropped slowly to his mouth and he felt his composure slipping.

Oh, this is leading somewhere big. He was either going to kill her, let her walk out of his life forever, or take her to bed. For a week.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You never were secure in yourself."

"Stop it, Ben."

"Yeah, they wanted me. And they were hot. And after every time I tried to give them a shot, I came to you and we'd laugh at them. I always came to you." He hated the tears he saw swimming in her eyes but they gave him hope. "Why in gods name would you worry about them? Why would you think that's what I was after? Why didn't I make it clear?" He pulled her into him hugging her to him around her shoulders as she let a sob escape against his chest.

"And you think you weren't what the other guys had in mind? I hope this doesn't offend you, but there were many, very indecent remarks made about you over the years." He felt her tense in his arms and he smiled into her head. "I can personally guarantee that each and everyone of those guys would love for you to say yes, just once, if even for an hour." She was shocked and somewhere she though she felt pleased. "You have not been our little homely mascot, sorry to disappoint."

"Well then, why didn't they ever because of you?"

"Yes. I didn't ask. It wasn't discussed but they knew. They'd take me out and buy me beer when you'd start dating another asshole. Things like that. We never talked about it but it was assumed."

She didn't want him to move his arms. But what did she want? She'd come in so sure of where things would go and now... She was at a loss.

"I'm at a loss." He laughed softly against her.

"I'll bet. It's a lot to digest." He'd found the piece of the picture that was missing. The perspective he'd missed but knew all along must be there. Now that he knew, things could be right. He knew they should be together. This conclusion relaxed him, his confidence returned.

"It must be hard hearing for the first time that all you guy friends would in fact be very interested in you in a male-female kind of way, when you thought you were just an ugly dumpling."

"Duckling." Her voice was muffled in his shirt and so small it made him smile.

"It must be even more confusing finding out that your best guy friend, best friend, I flatter myself, has wanted you since he first laid eyes on you and has loved you since approximately three months later. To someone with as little self-esteem as you, I can see that that would be hard. That's why you have me." He lifted her chin with the side of his finger and looked into her eyes. Her breathing was ragged and he could feel her shaking. "To see all the wonderful things about you that you seem to miss."

She was frozen. Just stuck. She felt like a wind up toy whose juice had just ran out, mid stride.

"But," he continued when he saw she was struck dumb, "you have to have some sympathy for me. Just think how all this has me reeling. I'd just given up on you. Written you off." He felt her hand tighten on a fistful of his shirt and brought his arms around her waist. "Then you walk in here and tell me, well, I guess imply would be better. You haven't really told me anything. But you rage in her at me implying that the one woman I've always wanted might not actually be out of reach. That perhaps she's thought of me too. That I may not be the only one who's wanting, aching. It's been quite an emotional rollercoaster of a day."

She felt so right in his arms. Her body pressed against his was having an effect. Her thin t-shirt teased his hands with the warmth she was giving off. Her breasts pushed into his chest every time she drew breath. He wanted to take her, right there. He was starting to shake from the wanting.

"You must be at a loss too." She spoke shakily and deeply. It occurred to him that he'd never seen her turned on before. He desperately wanted to take her there. To experience her as he never had.

"No. Actually, I know exactly what I want and what I want to do about it. I've known for years." His hands moved up her back, pressing her into him more. His past pain had him nervous and looking for resistance in her response. He felt none. She purred against his neck softly and reached her arms around his back to allow her body more contact. "God, just touching you gets me so worked up I start to lose control," he said through a clenched jaw as his hands pressed harder on as they explored her body. He felt her shiver against him. This is it, he told himself, now or never, buddy.

"Chora, I want you, in every way. I want you so badly, always have. You're perfect. I've never been this nervous. If if you don't want me, tell me now. Please."

The moment he had to wait for her to raise her head was a lifetime for him. Her eyes were heavy lidded, her cheeks flushed. Her full mouth was parted slightly as she looked at him.

"You're gorgeous." She saw the play of emotion on his face and felt the genuineness in his voice as she reached for him and pressed her lips to his. He moaned into her mouth as he took control of the kiss from her. He clung to her, kissing her passionately till they were both gasping.

His fingers found their way under the hem of her shirt, allowing him to relish the smooth satin of her skin. As his hands reached her sides, just at her rib cage she moaned into his mouth. The pleasure he felt was only surpassed by his disbelief. A mere hour ago he was sure that bitter disappointment would be the end of this relationship. He couldn't even contemplate his good fortune as she pressed her body into his. All thought beyond the physical was gone.

The fantasies she wouldn't even admit to herself as having were coming true. He wanted her. The enormity of the situation refused to sink in. the hands at her sides, the lips seducing her own, stopped any contemplation about past or future. she began to ache in several places as his light touch merely teased her aroused body.

She knew him well enough to know that he was playing it safe, making sure she was ok before pushing further. She pulled her arms from around his neck to find the edge of his own shirt, which she promptly pulled off his back. His answering groans as he found her mouth again had her moving rhythmically against him.

"Touch me, Ben. Everywhere." Her simple plea ignited his passion. Suddenly, she was overwhelmed by sensations. He pulled her shirt over her head and had his hands at her jeans when her knees started to buckle. As she clutched at his shoulders, she found herself off her feet, being swept into his bedroom. Then he was on top of her. Hands moving over her skin, across her body. Heating her from the outside in.

He paused as he studied her breasts, exposed to him for the first time. They were big and soft with the nipples hard. Her eager breathing was deep and unsteady as his hands caressed her for the first time. His lips followed causing her to arch under him, her hips pressing against him as she moaned. He'd never held a woman who felt more alive, more responsive than this. As his fingers found her other nipple she cried out. Her passion pushing him to the limit. His mouth turned to her neck as he deftly removed her jeans, groaning into her when he found no undies beneath them.

"Chora, I if you want to stop, please, tell me now."

"I want you." He came back to her lips for a kiss. Pushing his cock against her as she moved against it. "I want you, Ben." She felt him shiver and moan and found herself shivering as well. "Now, please", she begged as her hand found him. He was big and hard, and knowing it was for her made her all the more eager.

She protested his moving away from her until she realized he was undressing. Anticipation coupled with the confidence he gave her had her ready to explode any moment. After lingering a moment over the sight of her naked body, he crawled back up to her, meeting her eyes and holding them as he lowered himself to her opening.

"Oh god, baby, wait." He groaned as she tried to push herself to him. "I didn't expect, I mean, I didn't prepare for this." She felt more turned on by his show of effort to reign himself in if needed. She rose up on her elbows so that her lips met his ear.

"I'm clean and on the pill. If you don't take me soon, I'm going to come without you." The openness in her surprised them both and he watched her with the pleasure of knowing he had brought her to that place.

He took her. Slowly at first and then faster as his control slipped away. He found himself thrusting into her faster and harder as he felt her body seize around him. Her fingers gripped his shoulders, his arms, nails digging into him. Her head fell back as her mouth opened. When he heard his name cried out it nearly took him over the edge. The way she tightened around him, the way her tits felt against him, even the look in her eyes, all had him pounding into her in desperate pleasure. Her soft whimpers as he shuddered and poured himself into her had him shaking in the after shock. "Ben," she said against his neck as he slid to her side to hold her against him. "Chora," he answered.