Why I Hated The Guy From The FBI Ch. 11


Friday was the day to practice for the big event at the Cathedral. Due to a scheduling conflict, it had to be held at 10 o'clock in the morning. The men were jovial and sober as judges. When the women arrived, they looked like they were up carousing all night, and were sporting hangovers that might kill them at any moment.

Philip rushed over to his beautiful Celeste, who looked like 'The Wreck of the Hesperus," and asked what had happened to her?

She pointed at Antonia, and said two words "Kill her."

Tony went to Rose and received a similar reply, "Kill her before she has children."

Philip Gennaro went to Gloria who said, "Kill him, before he gets her pregnant. She is the spawn of the devil."

Charlie went to Ann and even though she tried to speak, she looked at Antonia and cried.

All the young women, who attended the bridal shower, showed up in the same clothing they were in the previous night, because they were too hammered to go home to change.

Frank heard all the replies and asked Antonia, "What did you do?"

Antonia replied, "They told me to do it."

Five able bodied men had to hold back two dozen screaming women, before there was blood in the aisle of the Cathedral of Milan.

Thankfully all churches have bells, and when Bishop Delphini saw the brawl break out by the altar rail, he rang them ferociously. He continued to ring them, until the fighting ceased. He asked, "What is the meaning of this abuse, in the House of the Lord."

Three priests came running out of the sacristy, with worried looks on their faces. They asked the bishop how they could help.

The bishop looked at the group in front of the altar rail and smiling said, "Little One, come to me."

Antonia's eyes grew red, as her ears blew steam at an ever increasing rate.

A collective, 'Oh shit,' was murmured through the cathedral, as Frank grabbed Antonia by the neck, kissed her, and whispered into her ear, "He used it as a term of endearment, please do not kill him."

"Let me go, Frank, before you lose that hand."

"What is your name, Child?"

"Antonia Caruso, eminence."

"You are to be the bride tomorrow. What is the meaning of this uproar, in this holy place?"

"Eminence, it is a story better told in confession; unless Celeste wants to run it by you?"

Celeste raised her voice and said, "You bet your ass I..."

Philip clamped his mouth over Celeste's and kissed her until she could not breathe. She started pounding on his shoulders and head, until he let her take a quick breath of air.

Bishop Delphini asked, "You were going to say?"

"Bastard, I will get you for that."

He asked, again, "You were about to say something?"

"I had it sucked out of my brain. I am sorry."

"Since last evening's debauchery, how many of you are in need of Confession, to rid your souls of the sins of commission or omission?"

Every female raised her hand, except Celeste.

The bishop looked at her and asked, "You are without sin my child?"

"No sir. I am not Catholic."

"Excellent my daughter; live in peace."

Celeste smiled. "Maybe all Catholic Bishops are like Archbishop Chang?"

The bishop looked at the remaining members of the group and said, "Apparently, last evening, you forced this innocent child to do something she would not do, under ordinary circumstances. Remember penance is good for the soul. Each of you WILL receive Communion tomorrow. In order to do so, you must confess all your sins. "EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM, especially the ones from last night. Confessionals are open as of NOW!"

"Antonia, you poor, innocent child; I cannot imagine what these adult women must have done to you last evening."

Bishop Delphini turned and started walking away from her, and Antonia looked back towards the others, and smiled.

The women thought she had gotten away with murder, for her part in last evenings debacle. They were ready to attack her again, when a voice from the sacristy boomed, "Miss Caruso, you are with me, IMMEDIATELY!"

Antonia's head dropped a foot and those heading towards the confessionals lifted their heads, in a prayer of thanksgiving, because the "Little Devil was not escaping unscathed."

Celeste was left standing with 5 men, who were dying to find out what had happened the night before.

"I need to rest for a while. Then I will be able to tell you what you want to know."

She sat down and put her head on Philip's shoulder and fell asleep instantly.

Philip looked at his four mates and lifted his eyebrows as a sign of defeat. He wanted to know what happened as much as they did, but the story would have to wait until Celeste was ready to tell it.

I cannot tell you what was said by the women, to their priests, while they were taking the Sacrament of Confession, without breaking the "Seal." I will just say that for most of Friday afternoon, many women were saying their penance, until their knees hurt.

Woman after woman went into the confessional and came out looking contrite. Then they went into a pew and knelt to begin saying their penance. The pews began to fill up, with headache ridden women who were absolved of their sins, and now were praying to their God for forgiveness.

More than an hour later, Celeste grudgingly woke up. She looked at the men who surrounded her and said, "Why don't we step outside for a few moments? I doubt I will be able to keep my language as pure as it is supposed to be, in this house of worship."

Miss Caruso, I know this is not an ordinary confessional, but you may sit down and begin when you are ready.

Antonia started her confession, as all Roman Catholics normally do. She started with her little sins of omission and then the biggies; the sins of commission. Part of the way into her penance the bishop stopped her, and asked her a question. "Antonia, why are you so angry at the world?"

"Eminence, you do not have enough time to listen to that answer."

"I have all the time in the world. You have until 3PM, tomorrow afternoon, if you wish to be married in this holy place. Start wherever you want and end wherever you wish, I will listen to it all, and make my decision, afterwards."

She started in a strained but temperate voice. "I was five years old, when they got rid of me, and sent me to a convent school. I cried for weeks not knowing what I had done to be thrown out of my home, and into the non-existence...

Well over an hour later, with venom still seething from every pore of her body, the bishop stopped her. He said, "Let me see if I understand where everything stands at this moment. You hate your father, but he is walking you down the aisle. You hated your mother, until she came to visit you, and until you thought you lost her, in an airplane crash. You attack your future husband, and anyone else that calls you a diminutive person, which by the way, you are, for no other reason, than you are not six feet tall. You hate the world as a whole because you father sent you to a nunnery, to protect you from the nefarious businesses, in which he is involved. Have I covered the high points, Antonia?"

"Some of them, yes, your eminence, you have."

"Thank goodness, child, you are only nineteen years old, and you have a lot of growing up to do. Listen carefully to me you impudent little dwarf, as of this moment, your childhood days are at an end. You will blossom into a young woman that people will be proud to know and love. I have eyes and ears all over this planet, and you do not want to mess with me, or God. For your penance..."

Antonia received a penance she would have to live with for the remainder of her life. If she broke it, she would have to stop what she was doing; go to confession, explain the reason she was there, and why she had broken her pact, with God. He gave her a phone number to give to her confessor, so he could call the bishop and check on her progress or lack of it.

The bishop gave her several choices, if she did not accept his edict: 1. 'Call Off' the wedding, because he would not allow her to get married, in his cathedral. 2. Get married in a civil ceremony at the United States Embassy or at the City Hall. 3. Or, Accept her punishment, "Grow up," and become a normal functioning member of society.

"You are not being fair, eminence."

"I know, Antonia, however, I do not have to be fair. I have to make you a better person, in the eyes of God Almighty."

Antonia was not happy, with the bishop, when she left him. However, she was no longer allowed to be angry about it; and she was not allowed to be pissed off about that either. He was as ruthless and conniving as she was, in his own way; and he had beaten her at her own game. He had beaten her four aces, with a straight flush; while she had to smile, and congratulated him.

Celeste could not stand the bright sunlight. She turned her back to the sun, put her sunglasses on, and squinted to keep as much light out of her brain as possible, because it hurt too much.

Philip asked, "What the hell happened last night, Celeste?"

"Do not yell at me, can't you see I am in pain?"

"I was not yelling. I will speak in a softer voice; but what did you do to yourself?"

"I did not do anything. It was that little bitch. She tricked everyone. She got us all toasted, until we were blind drunk. She looked so innocent. We were only drinking wine and we made a mix of several bottles and put fruit in it. However, it was too warm and we needed ice. Antonia said she would ask the bartender to get some for us. She came back with a waiter, and two large buckets of ice. He put one bucket in the mix, and left one on the side for anyone who wanted to put ice in their glass. Before long everyone was drinking the wine, like it was water. We did not realize why until it was too late, and we were slurring our words. It was frozen vodka.

Every time the wine mix got low, we added more wine, and more ice. It is amazing we are all alive this morning. The only person that does not have a hangover is the "Bitch," because she stayed with one of Philips best wines all night. She knew what she was doing; she probably laughed at us all night, as we crawled out the doors to our rooms."

"I did not" yelled Antonia. "I had no idea those ice cubes were anything but ice. I asked for ice, and that is what they brought into the room. I swear it."

"You little mongrel bay shrimp, I hope you fart all during your wedding tomorrow."

Antonia wanted to react, but did not. Her blood boiled, but she kept it under control long enough to say, "I did not know it was anything but ice. I would not have done that to my mother."

"You slimy baby cockroach, you would do that to God himself."

Frank and Philip moved into position to stop the impending charge, Antonia would surely make.

Antonia fumed, but held it together, one more time. "If that is what you believe, I cannot change your mind. If you do not wish to be a part of the wedding party tomorrow, I release you from your promise. I would not want you to be uncomfortable. Good bye, Celeste." She turned and walked back into the cathedral.

Philip looked at Frank and asked, "What just happened?"

"It is the 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers.' They took Antonia, and left us the clone."

Celeste said, "Oh fuck, that was Antonia, but something has happened to her. Fuck, now I have to apologize, because I feel like the village idiot."

Celeste ran into the church looking for her, and found her sitting next to her mother, Gloria and Ann trying to explain the same scenario to them.

They were not buying any of it, either.

Celeste sat next to them. "Antonia I should not have doubted you. I know you never would have set out to embarrass your mother, Gloria, Ann, or myself; especially just a day before your wedding. I apologize, and I hope you can forgive me."

"Thank you, Celeste that means the world to me."

"What, no 'Bitch' included in that statement today?"

"I just went to confession! It has to last through tomorrow. I will double up on you them."

"Okay, I just needed to make sure you were not still angry with me."

Rose asked Celeste why she was so sure Antonia was innocent, in the previous evening's events.

Celeste said, "For the very first time, our little girl did not fly off the handle, when she had to explain, what she believed happened last evening. She was not sure what the alcoholic beverage was, until I said it. She told me to take a hike if I did not believe her. Those are the signs of an innocent person. Second, in order to freeze Vodka, the temperature has to be nearly 50 degrees below zero. It takes forever to do that. I will wager there was a party last night that went home sober, and disappointed, because all they received was ice, instead of what we received.

Rose kissed her daughter and said, "I accept you back into the family. As soon as my head clears I will make your favorite dinner; your last as a single woman."

Five men stood at the side entrance to the huge cathedral and wondered what was happening. Four women, who wanted Antonia dead and dismembered, less than a few hours ago, were hugging her and making nice. Were they all clones? Had a miracle happened in Milan? Had Antonia developed powers of persuasion over everyone, who thought ill of her? Was she only able to control women? What was going on? Frank was worried; his friends were worried for him. The Archdiocese should be warned. Heck, the Pope should be warned!

41. To Be or Not To Be; Now There IS A Question

At 3:48 A.M, an earthquake occurred. It was centered 200 miles northwest of Milan, Italy, and emergency crews were dispatched to the old city of Milan and to check all the historic structures including the cathedral. They cordoned off the entire structure, until it could be inspected by the city engineers, which could take days.

At the same time when the earth shook, Antonia knew she was not in bed, with Frank, because it was the night before the wedding, but she came by hand anyway.

Celeste and Philip were together, however they were asleep until the earth moved. Celeste said, "You are getting better and better my love."

Philip laughed, "I can even make you cum, during an earthquake."

"Oh, is that what that was?"

"Anthony, we have to move to San Francisco. Between you moving and the earth moving, I think I like it a lot?"

"What are we going to do when the west coast falls into the ocean, Rose?"

"We will think of something, Anthony. Now, would you continue where you left off, please? I was almost where I needed to be 'when the earth moved.' Now I need you to make the earth move for me, again."

Tony grinned at her and said, "A man's work is never done." He moved instantly to grab the hand that was about to hit him.

"Charlie, you kill me with that thing and now you make the earth move?"

"Don't I always make the earth move for you Ann?"

"How would I know Charlie? I am always riveted to your pole."

"Bitch, Bitch, Bitch. I struggle to keep you fed; sexually, athletically, artistically, and nutritionally, and all I get is complaints. I want to talk to the manager of this establishment. I want equal bitching time."

"I am the manager of this establishment. I saw the submarine first. I get to bitch more than you do Charlie. There is no more bitching time left on the agenda. Keep fucking me unless you think another tremor is about to happen, then the vibrations will get me off."

"There you go again, Ann. You keep on bitching and you will be sleeping on a lumpy bedroll in the middle of the Amazon for a honeymoon, instead of Brooklyn Heights."

"How did those two become my choices Charlie?"

"I do not need shots to go to either place, Ann."


Philip and Gloria Gennaro were nonplussed by the tremor. They were out for a walk, in the vineyards, when it happened. They were preparing themselves for the next day, and decided that getting to bed at 5A.M. would be better for them, considering the length of the wedding and the affair afterwards. They fell into each other's arms, and held on, for the 30 or so seconds it lasted. When it was over they walked back towards their home to see if there was any damage. Their new pride and joy had been installed, a few days before, so they checked that first. It was an aesthetically pleasing, satellite receiver, hidden within a tree, which looked like any of the hundreds of trees that surrounded it. They could now watch all their old favorite television programs, from back in the states.

After making sure that it had survived, they went inside their home, and found no damage their either.

The quake measured 3.1 on the Richter scale. It had been barely enough to make "The Earth Move!"

However, when the news broke at 9 o'clock that the cathedral might not be available for the wedding that afternoon, someone had to tell Antonia. There were no volunteers.

Tony said, "Okay, send my body back to Brooklyn in a box and show it to the FBI. I will tell her. Good bye Rose, I love you." He hung his head, left his guests at the breakfast table, and made a show of walking slowly out of the hotel restaurant; only to bump into Antonia walking towards it.

She asked, "Dad, what is the matter. Why such a long face this morning."

"Baby, maybe we should go up to my room and talk for a moment."

"Dad, did Frank run off with another woman?"

"No he did not, Antonia."

"You, mom, Vincent and Donna are okay?

"Yes, we are fine."

"Then what is the problem?"

"We may not be able to use the cathedral this afternoon, because of last night's earthquake." Tony cringed as he waited for the expected scream, but it did not come. He opened one eye and she was still there. He opened the other and looked at her and she still had not said a word.

Then it happened. "Dad, give me some money, I have to see the cathedral and talk to the bishop."

"I will go with you."

"No, just give me some money, please."

Tony gave her few hundred Euros, and Antonia flew out the front door of the hotel.

When he returned to his guests so quickly, Rose joked, "Chickened out, didn't you?"

"No, I met her in the hall by the restaurant, and told her what happened. She did not scream or get upset. She asked me for some money to go see the cathedral and the bishop; so I did."

Rose asked him, "You let her go alone?"

"Yes, I told her I would go with her but she wanted to go alone."

"You idiot; if the bishop tells her she cannot use the cathedral she will kill him."

"Oh shit, I did not think about that. Call the rectory and warn them she is on her way. Tell them we are on our way to get her."

Tony and Rose left their guest and made a beeline for the front exit of the hotel, and the first taxi to the church. Traffic was light for a Saturday morning, and they were there in ten minutes. They were amazed to find their daughter, in a hard hat, inside the yellow tape, alongside the bishop and the engineers, discussing the lack of damage to the centuries old cathedral.

Antonia looked around, when she heard her mother call her, and waved to her. She spoke to the bishop and pointed to both her parents.

Antonia said, "Bishop Delphini, I would like to introduce you to my parents. This is my father Anthony and my mother Rose Caruso." Both parents genuflected before the bishop, and kissed his ring, as he blessed them both.

Bishop Delphini said, "Mr. and Mrs. Caruso, you have an amazing daughter. In the very short time I have had to get to know her, I have been impressed with the way she has been able to adapt to her surroundings, and new situations. You have much to be proud of, and many great things to look forward to in the future."

Rose smiled at the bishop and asked, "You are talking about our daughter, this one right beside you?"

"Yes Mrs. Caruso, this little girl, who is carrying your grandson."

Antonia fainted dead away, but was caught by the steadying arm of the bishop. He smiled and said to her parents, "I take it she did not know she was pregnant?"

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