Why She Cheated

I let Marlene cry for as long as she needed. When she had calmed a little, I laid down and pulled her with me. Marlene curled up in my arms, sniffling. As soothingly as possible, I told her, "It's okay, hon. I'm here. We can talk, or we can just be together like this for now." She nodded, and we laid together in silence for a while longer.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was small. Frail. She hugged me tightly to her body like I was the only solid thing in the world. Such a change from the confident woman of only a few minutes before.

"Shhh, it's okay." I asked again, "What's going on?"

"It's..." She chuckled. "It's a long story." Her hand was on my cock, starting to slowly stroke it. "You sure you'd rather hear that than--"

I kissed her head as I moved her hand away. "Yes. I would."

Marlene sighed. "Okay." Then a little laugh. "Why couldn't you just be an asshole?"

"I saw you turn down two guys at the bar, Marlene, that were clearly assholes."

She nuzzled into my side. "Point." A little kiss on my chest. "I guess... I guess I wanted this. Or, not this, but... but something besides just being called a whore and fucked like one." She looked up suddenly as I flinched. "Oh no! No, I wanted that, too! That was... Jesus, Jack. That was soooo damned great. You were incredible, and I hope we have the time for you to be incredible at least once more." With a little happy noise, she nestled in again. "But this is nice, too. Better than nice, even."

"But?"

She sighed. "But it's got to end soon, and I wish it didn't. I wish I'd waited until tomorrow to call my husband. But I didn't want to worry him."

"Why... What?" I didn't even know how to ask all the questions I had.

"Why I don't want to worry him? Because I love him." It was said so matter-of-factly even as she laid in the arms of the near-stranger that had fucked her, the man that wasn't her husband but had usurped his place. "I know that sounds crazy, but it's true, Jack." She sighed again. "I've loved him since we were in high school."

"Then why are you here?"

"I'm here because I do love him." Marlene looked up at me and could tell this created more questions than it had answered, then laughed. "I know, I know." Her head dropped down onto my chest, and she scooted closer, throwing one leg over mine. With a deep breath, she began to tell me her story.

"I've known Alan since we were children. He was my first everything: first kiss, first boyfriend, first... well, everything, like I said. Everyone knew we'd be together forever." Another small sigh. "Maybe that's why we ended up here.

"We got married just after college, and things were great. But then... I don't know. Something changed. Lots of small problems. First, he couldn't have kids; some accident with a dirtbike when we were teenagers. He didn't want to adopt or do IVF or anything like that, and that was fine; or I thought it was, at least. I didn't know... didn't realize at the time what a hit that could be to a guy's ego. I was a little disappointed, but I wanted to be with him, so I just sucked it up.

"And then his career tanked suddenly; it was through no fault of his own, but we ended up getting married in the middle of a downturn in his field, and he couldn't find a job. So I had to be the breadwinner. He felt... emasculated, I guess. We'd both grown up in a small town, and his family was more conservative than mine, which was already pretty conservative. And... well, anyways. That was another wedge.

"And Alan... I love him. I do. But he's a fairly ordinary looking man, if I'm honest. In my eyes, he was the most handsome man in the world, but I knew, even then, that that was through the filter of my love, and not how the rest of the world assessed him. It didn't bother me, but it made him insecure. Jealous. He started to wonder if I was cheating on him, then he became obsessed with it. I wasn't, of course. I never would have..." She chuckled mirthlessly. "Well, back then I never would have." I squeezed her, and she pressed her face against my side.

"The long and the short of it is that there was a rift, and I couldn't find a way to close it. He got more paranoid, more jealous, more insecure. I loved him so much, but he interpreted it as guilt, like it was proof I was cheating on him. And then..." I heard her swallow. "And then he cheated on me."

"What?" Who would be stupid enough to cheat on this gorgeous creature? But then, Anya had cheated on me. By all accounts, by everything my friends and family told me, hell, even by what Anya herself told me as she tearfully said goodbye in our last meeting, I was everything she should have needed. And it still hadn't been enough to keep her from another man's bed.

"Alan had found a job. It wasn't in his field, but it was something he could do, at least. It bolstered his confidence; not enough to give up on his paranoia, but enough to make him wonder if he still 'had it.' He ended up banging one of the secretaries there.

"I didn't find out about it immediately, but when I did, I went ballistic. I finally managed to convince him that I hadn't cheated. Alan realized he had been taking revenge on me for something I didn't do, and he seemed so remorseful. We went to counseling, and I hoped that would be that. It wasn't." I shifted uncomfortably. "You too? Cheated on, I mean?"

My voice was tight. "Anya. My wife. We weren't like you and Alan, we just... we met after college. Hit it off. Fell in love. And then, five years into our marriage, it turned out she'd been fucking a friend of ours for six months. And when I asked her why..."

I scoffed. "No real answer. She had no excuse for why, no actual complaint about me. 'I wasn't trying to hurt you. It was just sex. I didn't intend for it to happen. It doesn't mean anything.' Buncha other bullshit. She wanted to stay together, but that wasn't happening. If it had been... I dunno, if she was drunk and slipped up once, maybe. Maybe not. But, like, is it really remorse if you can't even say why you did it? If you don't know why you did it? I had loved her, but I just... No. It was over."

Marlene hugged me. "I get it. I'm so sorry; she was an idiot. Christ, even just giving up this sex makes her an idiot, and you're cute, too. And kind, even after someone did that to you. What a fucking moron." She leaned up on one arm and kissed me lovingly. "I'm so sorry, Jack."

"Not your fault."

"Yeah, but it still sucks to get cheated on. And it shouldn't have happened to either of us."

"So what happened?"

She sighed, laying back down next to me. She felt so warm there. So right. "I loved him with all my heart. We were supposed to be together, you know? That's what everybody said. It's what I believed, really believed: that he was my one true love. I wanted to get past it and move on.

"And we did, for a year. Then I learned he was cheating again. Something was... different in him, I guess, after he cheated that first time. It gave him back the confidence that he had lost, that he could still be desirable to other women. Never mind that they were skanks and tramps. Never mind...." She shook her head and sighed.

"I confronted him again. He apologized again. Said it would be the last time. But when the fallout wasn't worse, when I didn't leave him, I think that some switch flipped in his brain, and he decided he could do it and get away with it. And the next time he did, less than six months later, I showed him that he couldn't."

Marlene was quiet for a time. When she spoke again, it was with a voice that was haunted. Regretful. "That was the first time I cheated. I was so nervous. It was... honestly, it was disastrous. I cried afterwards, and the guy kind of wandered off and left me there. The sex was fine, I guess; maybe if I had been more into it... well, it doesn't matter. I wasn't there for the sex, except as a means to an end.

"I went home and told Alan straight away that I knew that he was cheating. He wouldn't believe me at first when I told him that I had as well, that there were consequences to his actions. Then I stripped for him and showed him where the other man had marked me. Then... then..."

Her voice went quieter still. "... It was painful. He reclaimed me, and he didn't care how much it hurt." My fists clenched. Hell, my whole body tensed. I wanted to pound that son of a bitch until he stopped moving. How fucking dare he hurt-- "No! No. Not like...he didn't smack me around or anything. It was just... he had always been so gentle when we made love before, and he wasn't then. It wasn't about... it had always been about our connection, even when I was hurt by how he had cheated. But that time, it was about him showing me that I was his.

"He didn't cheat again for a while. I think I'd shaken his confidence. He focused on us and on his career. But then, there was a little setback. Something at work, a promotion he didn't get. " She chuckled darkly. "A 'reason' that wasn't really a reason. I tried to be supportive, but it wasn't enough. And he cheated again. Alan was more careful this time, but I still found out.

"He'd been with at least two women that time, so I upped the ante and found three different men. And those times... those times, I enjoyed myself. Let myself go with them. Be... be the married whore that I had told myself I was the first time, when I had cried afterwards.

"I embraced her wholeheartedly, both because she was fun and as a way to shield myself from..." Marlene's face pressed softly into my side. "From something like this. From sharing myself too much." She kissed me again, then whispered, "I'm glad I can share this with you. That you care."

"I do, Marlene. I really do." I sighed, "Why didn't you just divorce him? Christ, you're gorgeous and funny and... god, you seem great. You could have any man you wanted!"

She laughed a little at this. "I did. Have any man I wanted, that is. Never married men; I wasn't going to be the other woman. But what I wanted was for Alan to be faithful, and this... well, I couldn't make him do it. But I could remind him of the consequences. And each time, he took a little longer to stray. It'd been almost two years before... before what led to this. To us being here together.

"And as to why I didn't leave? I... I love him. I still do, even after everything. I cheat because I love him, because if I didn't cheat, I'd grow to hate him. If I let it go and showed that I was willing to live with the contempt of him running around on me... No. No, that wouldn't work. This way, he's reminded that I won't."

I sat with that for a long minute as she traced lazy patterns on my chest with her finger. This wasn't right. What he did to her wasn't right. "Christ, what an asshole. You deserve better, Marlene."

That little wan smile again as she glanced up at me. "God preserve us from getting what we deserve."

"I'm serious, Marlene. I don't know how you could be that... patient. Accepting. Whatever. I know you're doing this because you're not really accepting it, but..." A bitter memory pushed its way forward. "When Anya cheated, I couldn't stand it. Couldn't stand to be around her, to be reminded of how I hadn't... I guess how I hadn't been enough for her. Somehow. In some way she couldn't or wouldn't tell me. And I just..." I looked away from her. "I'm not... I'm not the person I used to be. He wouldn't like me very much, I don't think. He wouldn't have done this."

"This?"

Marlene was looking up at me with sadness in her eyes when my gaze returned to her. "Yeah. The old me, before Anya cheated on me... he would never have gone anywhere near a married woman." She pulled away, almost imperceptibly. "I don't mean... This is lovely, Marlene. You're lovely. But if you had approached me two years ago, I wouldn't have even thought..." I chuckled, and she relaxed.

"Okay, I would have thought about going with you, because-- well, I mean, look at you." Marlene smiled and even blushed slightly; it was heartbreaking, really, to think of how her husband had mistreated someone that seemed so wonderful. "I wouldn't have, though. But once... I dunno, once it became clear that I had been the only one playing by the rules, actually giving a shit about my vows, I just couldn't care."

She moved back closer; her warmth was invigorating and comforting at the same time. "No honor among thieves, hmm?"

"Yeah, pretty much. I didn't... I still don't approach married women. Obviously married ones, that is, the ones wearing rings and showing they're taken. But if they've taken them off and I don't see anyone else available... The me from two years ago, even the one before I was married, would have steered clear. Now, I don't. And I've realized, after being here with you, that I don't like who I've become. And I don't like that I let her... No, that I let myself become something because of what she did to me. That I was too weak to stick to my--"

Marlene silenced me with a kiss. "Hush." I opened my mouth, but she interrupted. "You got hurt, Jack. Badly hurt. I know how painful it is. I... this was never where I saw my life going. I know what it's like to change in ways you didn't expect, to look at everything you've done and wonder how you got there. To not like that journey or the person at the end of it.

"But you're a good guy, Jack, even if... well, even if you haven't acted like one as much as you used to. You're sweet and sexy and great in bed. You're funny and kind, too. Unless there's some kind of deep dark secret you're not telling me, there's nothing so wrong with you that it would make sense for any woman to cheat on you.

"And it sounds like there wasn't anything wrong with your marriage, either. Or at least nothing your ex could point to. Did you have any kind of warning, or was there anything afterwards that you could point to and say, 'this led to it?'"

"No. I've thought long and hard about it. The closest thing was that I traveled for work, but even that was only a couple of times a month for a day or two. I've never been able to think of a single, solid reason why she'd want to go outside of our marriage."

Another kiss, a longer one, loving and filled with promise neither of us could keep. Marlene put her chin on my chest and gazed at me with dazzling blue eyes. "People cheat for a lot of reasons, but it almost always comes down to one of three things: there's something wrong with their marriage, with their spouse, or with them. And there's nothing wrong with you, Jack. There was nothing wrong with your marriage, as far as you could tell, and she gave no indication otherwise. So that means she cheated because there was something wrong with her."

I knew this. All of it. I'd had two years, almost three with the time the divorce took after Anya got the judge to make us go to counseling. My friends had told me. My family had. Even Anya had. But it's one thing to know it, and it's another to have someone else, someone that's nearly a stranger, look at your life and tell you, "You did nothing wrong." There's knowing something, and then there's understanding it. Believing it. And now, finally, I did.

It made me feel better to hear it. It also made me feel worse; Marlene could see it on my face.

"Hey. Hey. It's okay. You got hurt, and you went a little crazy." She chuckled. "Trust me, I know how that can happen. But... look, this time since you've been divorced, it's a blip. You haven't acted like you thought you should. You can change that." An evil little grin. "Well, after I'm done with you, that is."

I laughed, but then I thought about what she said some more. "Marlene... Why don't you just leave him?"

Maybe I wasn't the only person who needed to hear something they already knew. Her eyes went wide for just a moment, then she looked to the side. "It's not the same, Jack. I love him. I do."

Running my fingers through her hair, I softly said, "I understand that, Marlene. But do you think... do you really, honestly think that he loves you?" She looked at me again, nostrils flaring with anger. "No, wait. I'm not saying he never did. And I think... maybe he does, in his way. But this... God, Marlene, is this really love? Is this a love you want to live with for the rest of your life?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but I continued. "No one deserves what he's done to you, Marlene. And you sure as hell don't. You deserve a man that loves you as much as you love him, who wouldn't... who wouldn't put you through all of this for his ego. Who wouldn't make you..."

I sighed. "You said that people cheat for one of three reasons. Well, he cheated because there was something wrong with him. But... God, Marlene, now you're cheating because there's something wrong with him. And I understand why; you desperately wanted to make it work, and this seemed to do it at first. And then you kept doing it because you had already started down the path and couldn't see another way forward but through.

"But now there's something wrong with your marriage, too. Probably irreparably wrong, by the sound of it. And, if you don't stop... I mean..."

I didn't want to say it, not with those beautiful sapphire eyes welling up with tears again. Not with the way her lip quivered and her face fell as the weight of her reality came crashing down on her. For the first time a stranger had put her problems into perspective, just like she'd done with his, and it crushed her.

If she didn't stop, what was wrong with her husband and what was wrong with her marriage would become something wrong with her, too. Maybe it already had. Maybe it was like a cancer that had metastasized and taken not only the love two young people had once had for each other, but the love she had for herself as well.

I didn't want to believe that; she was so... good. Not just beautiful, but funny and insightful and loyal and sweet. She had been driven mad, but so had I, both of us driven to be people we weren't by the ones that had promised to love us forever. I was sure I could find my way back. I needed to believe she could, too. And, more importantly, she needed to believe it. And if she couldn't do it on her own, I had to convince her.

I patted her as she cried, whispering to her and shushing her softly, like one would comfort a child. "It's going to be okay, Marlene. It's going to be okay. You'll get through it. I promise."

And then, as she was finally reaching the point where she could talk again, when the fear of her new reality had finally started to become manageable, it happened: the proximity alarm on her phone went off. Her husband would be at the hotel soon.

Marlene began to panic: frantically trying to dress, babbling about how she needed to get ready to greet him, how she was sure, absolutely sure that this time would fix it. She was fracturing right in front of me.

"Marlene. Marlene!" She slowed, but didn't stop. "Wait. Wait, Marlene. You have half an hour. Wait and think. Please." The tormented, fearful look in her eyes almost killed me, but she did finally stop and sit back on the bed.

"I... I have to go. He's my husband." There was a hollowness there, in both her words and her voice. Like her spirit had been carved out. I recognized it, and while it hurt to see, it meant progress. That hollow feeling was the same way I'd felt years before, when I realized there was no way back with Anya.

And then, once again, I was sitting on the bed with her, holding her hands. She was still half naked, her dress barely on and completely out of kilter, but any thought of the passion we'd shared before was gone for the moment. "You do have to go, Marlene. But not to him."

She laughed mirthlessly. "With you? We're going to have a whirlwind romance, find our happily ever after together?"

My hands squeezed hers. "Maybe. Maybe not. Hell, probably not. You don't know me from Adam, not really. But... look, Marlene, maybe there's nothing more for you and me than tonight. But even if that's the case..." I cupped her cheek with one hand, and she dipped her head towards it. "Even if it is the case, I know that there's a future for me. And there's got to be one for you, too." Tears started to form, and I said, "Ah ah, don't start that again. We're on a clock here, woman." That made her laugh, an honest, deep laugh, and that laughter felt like a fever breaking.