Winning (The Lottery)

"Still rewarding bad behavior."

"I get where you're coming from, but what matters is the law, not what's right."

"Hey, I just had a thought. What if I were to sign the ticket over to her, in full. In exchange, we get divorced, and she renounces all claim to anything else of mine. No house, no business, no alimony. Essentially, it's just a lump sum payout. And all it's really cost me is ten dollars. Yeah, she gets money, she's still being rewarded for bad behavior, but at least this way it's mostly other people's money, not mine. And I might just be able to save my business."

"Maybe. The only way we can know for sure is putting it out there. Her and Chad might get so blinded by greed and their own lust they might just snatch it up." She paused, a slight furrow on her brow like she had just thought of something. "Let me look at that ticket again?"

I showed it to her. She looked at it and smiled. "What?" I asked.

"I might have a better idea." She proceeded to fill me in on the details of her plan. This might just work, I thought, though I would have to rely on a certain amount of luck.

Armed with the plan and some paperwork, I went home. I walked in and was only mildly shocked to discover Kristy bent over the sofa, Chad balls deep in her ass. I was supposed to be at work this time too. Damn, another piece of furniture I would have to replace. Now that I thought of it, I would be replacing all the furniture. Not only was it all gaudy stuff Kristy wanted to begin with, all had probably been defiled by those two scumbags.

Never one to miss an opportunity, I hauled Chad off the bitch by his greasy hair. I felt an overwhelming urge to sanitize my hands, immediately. Preferably with a propane torch. "Hey, what the fuck, man?" he quailed.

"Don't you know it's normally considered impolite to fuck another man's wife, at least until the divorce goes through?"

"Hey man--" he cut off when I kneed him in the balls.

"Nope. You don't get to fuck MY wife, in MY house, on MY furniture, and think you've got anything to say. You got nothing to say that I want to hear. Now be a good little boy and get the FUCK out of my house!" I escorted him to the door. I may have inadvertently missed the doorway with Chad the first couple attempts at "escorting" him out of my house. Oops. I always did get a good chuckle whenever Al Bundy did that to Kelly's boyfriends.

That problem sorted, I turned my attention to Kuntsty--sorry, I swear I meant Kristy. She started in with the usual cheater's litany.

"Stop before you embarrass yourself. One, I know all the excuses and lies, and I'm just not interested. Second, it doesn't make two shits what you say, this marriage is over. Third, I already know the truth."

She decided to turn nasty. "What the fuck do you think you know?"

I told her what I had heard that fateful afternoon when I discovered their infidelity. "Too bad I was too busy working to see what was really going on. I could have dumped your cheating slut ass a lot sooner and saved myself a lot of money and a lot of heartache!"

"Fuck you. You men are all so stupid, only thinking with your dicks. Chad and I are going to clean you out and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Get the best lawyer you can, it'll just cost you more. In fact, I'm glad you know, now I don't have to pretend. God, how could you be so stupid to think someone like me would ever get with your ugly ginger ass?"

I wasn't going to rise to the bait. That seemed to disturb her, somehow. Almost like she was starting to sense she was losing control just a bit.

"Are you done insulting me? Good. Now I have a proposal for you. I happen to know you're after what you think you can get from my business. You have contributed the square-root of fuck-all, but somehow you think you deserve to be paid out from it. And I'll be damned if I'm paying you so you can go fuck Chad."

I continued: "What I hold in my hand is a winning lottery ticket. I don't know if you've seen the news; the winning ticket was sold here a month ago and the winner hasn't come forward yet. The winning lottery ticket was sold at the Valero down the street, and wouldn't you know it, that's exactly where I purchased this ticket. The numbers matched and everything!"

I could see the greed as she eyed the ticket. "Can I see that?"

"One minute, I'm not done. I also have a set of divorce papers. You only see this ticket if you agree to the conditions in the papers. Now, we're lucky that we live in a state where there's no waiting period for a divorce. If both parties agree that the marriage is irretrievably broken and agree on the division of assets, it's over just that quickly."

I handed her the packet. "Read it through, but the upshot is, the deal is we agree to a quick divorce. You get to keep all your personal possessions, including your jewelry and clothing" I had already checked on that, to see if at least I could get half the value of that stuff, seeing as it was my money that had paid for it all. Strangely, that was considered personal property, not community property, and therefore all hers. The hits just keep coming. I continued: "You get to keep the Cadillac--"

She cut me off. "About that. There's been this real weird pee smell and I can't figure it out. The shop can't figure it out either."

I did my best to look surprised. "Huh. Maybe the catalytic converter is going out. I've heard when those start failing it can start smelling like pee in the cabin." I may or may not have paid a few more visits to the garage during the past few weeks.

I suppressed a smirk. "As I was saying, you get to keep the Cadillac. I will also surrender all rights to this winning lottery ticket to you. As you know, the winning lottery ticket is worth $12 million. The lump-sum payout, after taxes, would be closer to $5 million. Your share would have been $2.5 million. So, in essence, you're getting an extra $2.5 large."

She looked at me quizzically. "What's in it for you?"

"Simple. By taking this ticket, you agree to a quick, no contest divorce. You sign the quitclaim deed on the house, making it solely my house. You waive, forever, any claims to anything from my business, including monies, equipment, and earnings. You waive any claims to any of my personal property. You agree that, after the divorce, we never contact each other again and that you will never approach within 1000 yards of my property or my parents' property. If you see me in public, you turn the other way and not attempt to engage me in any conversation. In short, I want this marriage over, as quickly as possible, and I'd rather not deal with any fighting over what my assets are truly worth. I figured by signing this ticket over to you, you get what you want, which is money, and I get what I want, which is my business intact and to not be fucked with in the future."

Actually, I had wanted a clause inserted where Kristy would be required to move somewhere as far away as possible, but Natalia reminded me that I didn't have the right to tell anyone where they were allowed to live. In fact, without a restraining order, for which I would have to show cause, even the parts about not approaching or contacting my parents, my property, or myself amounted to little more than a request. I finished off with, "And you waive any right you may have to sue me in the future for any reason."

"Why the stuff about no contact and no lawsuits?"

"Simply to protect me. I don't need you and Chad burning through the money and getting the wild idea you're due for more and suing me for it. I have a hard time imagining any court in the country actually awarding you anything, but I don't feel like wasting my time and money defending even frivolous bullshit." This wasn't strictly true. My lawyer had pointed out to me that, if she got herself a good enough lawyer, she could go back and contest the part about not going after my business. And if that somehow panned out, the punitive damages would ruin both Mick and me. The no-sue clause wasn't ironclad, but she would have to get a really good lawyer to break that, and anyway it was another layer in my defenses.

I could see the wheels turning in her head. "Maybe I should call a lawyer."

I wasn't surprised at that, though I was hoping she wouldn't. Time for some persuasion. "Well, I suppose you could. But why would you spend all that money just to be told this is the best offer you're going to get? My lawyer has already done the hard work anyway. Why not save yourself the money and walk away with as much as you possibly can? I'll tell you what, let me sweeten the pot just a bit. I'll pay the taxes due on your share of the lottery winnings." My lawyer had recognized that I might need to sweeten the pot, and suggested that as a throw-in. Taxes on millions of dollars are not insignificant.

As I hoped, her avarice won the day. "Okay. But first, can I look at the ticket?"

"My lawyer advised me that I keep possession of the ticket until the divorce is final. Once it's final I am to hand it to you. Tell you what, though, I can show it to you." And I did just that, holding the bottom of the ticket. I pulled up the jackpot numbers and showed her how they all matched.

Her eyes grew wide. "So you really weren't bullshitting me? So, all I have to do is agree to a quick divorce, and you give me this ticket AND pay the all the taxes on the winnings?"

"Don't forget the other stuff we agree to also."

"Yeah, yeah. Like I'd want this shitty house anyway."

Leave it to her to throw more shade. Like it fuckin' mattered anyway. Once the house was all mine, and I was keeping more of my earnings, this place was going to be a real beauty. Too bad she could never see that. Her loss.

"So, do we have a deal?"

"Can I think on it overnight?"

"I suppose, but don't dally too long. This is a limited-time offer, as they say. But yeah, sleep on it tonight. I'll be spending the night with my parents. If you agree, all you have to do is sign the papers where indicated, and I'll take them in to be filed. Hopefully we can get in front of a judge quickly and this farce can be over."

With that, I took my leave. My parents, of course, pressed me for an update, and I simply told them my lawyer had finally beaten some sense into me and to just get the divorce and eat the cost and be done with it. They wondered at the change of heart, and I told them I finally understood it wasn't great either way so best to be done with it and move on.

I think they suspected I was leaving something out, which was true, but they didn't pry, and I wasn't going to offer anyway.

I knew Kristy would call Chad the fuckwit the moment I left. I would have preferred otherwise, there was always the chance the two of them could brainstorm and happen on an idea that would blow my plan out of the water. Nothing I could do about it, though, I would just have to hope Chad remained as dumb as I thought him to be, and that Kristy wouldn't be able to see past her own greed.

So it proved. Kristy called me the next morning saying she agreed and had signed everything. I called Mick and asked him to take care of my jobs for the day as I had to deal with this. Of course, he knew everything going on, so he readily agreed. Besides, he needed to protect our business just as much as I did.

I went back home and picked up the packet. The lottery ticket was still safely in my wallet. Couldn't afford to lose that, it was my only real leverage. I checked and she had in fact signed everywhere indicated. I took the packet back to my lawyer.

Natalia asked, "So, how do you think it's going?"

"So far, so good, I think. A couple spots where I was afraid she might not go for it, but in the end she's just too greedy for her own good."

"Good. Let me get this filed with the court. I'm going to see if we can get in Friday afternoon."

Natalia was as good as her word and got us the Friday afternoon slot. There we were, Kristy and I, facing the judge. I couldn't help it, this was the end of eight years of marriage, almost nine years together, and dammit, I did love her, once. And she was still so damn beautiful. Why did she have to be such a conniving, greedy bitch? A single tear escaped my eye.

The judge made a show of looking over the documents. "So, if I understand this correctly, the two of you wish to divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences, and that this court grant the divorce immediately?"

"Yes, Your Honor," we both replied.

"Hmmm...yes. Do either of you have any reason that this should still not be the case?"

"No, Your Honor."

"Okay. Now, I see that you, Mr. O'Neill, claim to have the winning ticket to the Lotto America jackpot, and that in exchange for signing that over to Mrs. O'Neill, she forfeits any other form of payment or any other claims?"

I thought carefully. "I do have a winning lottery ticket for her, yes, Your Honor."

"And you, Mrs. O'Neill, agree to this deal?"

"Yes, Your Honor, I do."

"And you swear that you made this agreement, of your own free will, and were not and are not making this agreement under any sort of duress?"

"I so swear, Your Honor."

I started to (metaphorically) sweat just a bit. It wouldn't do for the judge to get suspicious and start asking questions I didn't want to answer.

He spoke. "Okay, this is somewhat unusual, but this court will abide by the wishes of two grown adults who entered into this agreement of their own free will. Divorce is granted. Mr. O'Neill shall immediately present Ms. Nicholls with said ticket. All provisions of the divorce decree shall be in effect immediately. So ordered."

I handed her the ticket and she immediately signed the back. With that, it was all over bar the shouting. Her personal effects had even been loaded into a rented U-Haul van and her Cadillac. She was well and truly out of my life.

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I was in the middle of mowing a lawn the following Monday morning when my phone rang. I saw Kristy's number and answered. I had a sneaking suspicion what was coming.

"What the fuck kind of stunt do you think you're pulling?" she screeched.

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about?"

"You swine! You know exactly what you did! This ticket is worthless!"

"Worthless? But the numbers matched. I even showed you! I don't understand."

"The numbers matched but the dates didn't! Your ticket was for Monday September 12^th! But the winning drawing was held Wednesday September 14^th! This ticket only won a lousy two fucking dollars! What the fuck am I going to do with that?"

I couldn't help a chuckle. How silly of me that I would overlook the date.

I heard her still screeching: "This is fraud! I'm going to sue the pants off you!"

"Uh-uh, don't forget, when you signed that agreement, you gave up any rights to sue me, ever, for any reason. Oh, and by the way, you also agreed no contact. So, if you have any further complaints, I suggest you have your lawyer contact my lawyer. Otherwise, lose this number." I hung up and blocked her number. She tried again with what I could only assume was Chad's number and I promptly blocked that as well. I sat back on my mower and couldn't help a laugh.

I did in fact have a winning lottery ticket. The fact that the winnings were a measly two bucks were neither here nor there as far as I was concerned. Nor was my promise to pay tax on the winnings. First, who's gonna tax two bucks? Second, even if they did, I'd simply claim the ten bucks I spent on the ticket as gambling losses and boom--no tax.

The fact that one set of numbers on the ticket happened to match the winning numbers drawn two nights later was simple serendipity. Or maybe there really was a higher power looking out for me. Take the wins when possible, I always say. To be honest, I had thought I had a jackpot winner myself and I would have been fine with signing that ticket over to her just to get the bitch out of my life cleanly. It was my lawyer who noticed the dates didn't match. It turned out, Natalia had been burned some years ago by a cheating husband who cleaned out her accounts and disappeared.

Once we set her plan in motion, we were reasonably confident Kristy wouldn't be able to see past her own greed. Our only real worry was the real winner would come forward before our plan was complete and inadvertently blow our plan out of the water. As it happened, nobody ever did claim the jackpot; media speculation was the winner inadvertently threw away their ticket. That jackpot ended up being rolled back in, when I took another punt and bought a ticket to that drawing. And--nothing, not even a dollar. What, you thought it was that kind of story?

As it turned out, I needn't have worried about the judge either. He knew instantly what the real game was, but having likewise been burned by a cheating spouse he was all in. Natalia had specifically requested him and the Friday afternoon slot. His questions were solely in case anyone ever took a closer look at our divorce--they were designed to forestall any claims of miscarriage of justice if the case were ever reopened. The Friday afternoon slot was so Kristy wouldn't have time to run to the lottery offices before they closed for the weekend.

I could only imagine the lottery commission's reaction when Kristy coming in to claim her measly $2. Those are usually claimed directly at the retailers; only the larger winnings are claimed at lottery HQ. Imagining how that went sent me into further hysterics.

And that is how, with a certain amount of luck, I was able to get away from a cheating wife, free and clear, and all it cost me was a ten-dollar lottery ticket and some lawyer fees. Yay me!

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For those wondering, no, I did not get together with Natalia. First, she was 20 years older than me. Second, why would I hook up with a lawyer? They have their uses, but generally are not to be trusted. Though I will say Natalia is better than most. And third, I ended up reconnecting with a local girl I had dated occasionally in high school. Her name was Kelly Cooper, and she was an absolute sweetheart. We had gone on a few dates here and there, but because of my duties on my parents' farm, we never dated enough to get serious. We had lost touch when I left town for the Navy.

A few months after the divorce, I was at the bar throwing a few back with Mick after a full day of mowing lawns and fixing plumbing issues.

"Hey Bluey, that Sheila Kelly is checking you out."

"So is her name Sheila or Kelly? Or is it Sheila-Kelly?"

"Har har. You know what I mean. Don't you remember her?"

I looked over and beheld a beautiful woman. If I'm honest, not as beautiful as Kristy was--perhaps nobody ever would be--but a lovely lady in her own right. Besides, I think I've learned my lesson about true beauty. "Not ringing a bell."

"Dunce, that's Kelly Cooper. You dated her a few times, remember?"

Odd, I thought, that didn't look like the rather plain Kelly I remembered from high school. I looked harder and it struck me. Take the Kelly I remembered, fill her out a bit, give her an ass and a nice set of tits, add just a few lines around the eyes...yeah, that was her all right. It was in the eyes--she had the most striking green-gray eyes. Not movie-star eyes, necessarily, but the sort of eyes that had a certain openness and warmth, like I could see through to the deepest parts of her soul. And she was giving me those eyes now.

I picked up my beer and walked over to her table. "Mind if I sit?"

"Bluey O'Neill, as I live and breathe. I thought I'd never have the chance to talk to you again."

I gave her a smirk. "You haven't actually answered my question."

"Yep, still the same wiseass. Sit, sit!"

I did and we started catching up. Weirdly, there was no awkwardness between us; it was almost as if the intervening years since the last time we'd met just melted away. I regaled her with tales of my life in the Navy, touched briefly on meeting, marrying, and divorcing Kristy (I figured the more salacious details could come later), and how I came to own a business with Mick. For her part, Kelly told me she went to college, got a business degree, and went to work for Ominous Corp. She moved up the corporate ladder, not too quickly, but at a decent pace. She was well on track for a senior management position.