Women Who Talk Pt. 01

"But there are hundreds of millions of others who believe that and they're the people I've erected walls against because I don't understand them but it's time I sat down and got to know these people. It's time for the walls to come down. I will never agree with their beliefs but we all have a shared humanity, we have common hopes and dreams, as Kennedy once said, we all inhabit the same small planet," Penny stopped and looked around the room.

"But that is one of my walls that has to come down. How about you, Cindy?"

A murmur went around the room, Kathy chuckled and Robyn felt as if her stomach had fallen away. Her grandmother had said almost the same thing about religion for years, albeit she'd used harsher words to describe her daughter's god. Robyn could recall overhearing arguments where her mother would try to give a logical explanation for her faith, only for her grandmother to tear it down and then come back with her own counter argument. Nanna would only stop arguing whenever one of her grandkids walked into the room. Indeed, her mother used to use the kids as a buffer against the inevitable march of reason.

"I have a literal wall that can come down if someone has a sledgehammer and a crowbar," she let out a sigh, "my sewing room is crammed into my son's old bedroom and the room next door was my daughter's room but they're both out of home now. I would knock the wall down but there's a chance that Davina will come back once she finishes uni in Sydney. I've been thinking of hiring a workshop in an industrial estate but there's the problem of balancing the budget. Should I make the break and go for it or just be content with what I've got?"

Robyn didn't comment but she did sit and listen to women offering up their suggestions, some said she should just go for it, others asked about limits. How far did she want to go with it? Did she want to make a sizeable part time income or was she happy with it as a hobby?

And then it was Ruth's turn. Her wall was between her husband and herself. They'd been married for ten years and it was almost like living alone. They had all of the mod cons, the nice home and two daughters but it felt as if they'd erected walls between them. He had his interests and she had hers and her daughters. Both of them worked, she was at the bank and he was the head mechanic at a garage. The only time they opened a door in the wall was for birthdays, holidays. anniversaries and the occasional long weekend when he was at home.

After she'd finished other women offered their feedback on the situation, some with suggestions and others with similar situations. Robyn didn't offer any suggestions either because she didn't feel qualified to advise a married woman with three daughters but she was certainly taken aback at the brutal honesty Ruth displayed.

"What about our host for next month?" Penny looked at Kathy.

"Me?" Kathy threw her hands in the air, "I've got a few walls but the one that's really bugging me is the one we were talking about outside," she glanced at Robyn.

"It's about my girlfriend, Melissa. We've been living together for the last three months but just last Sunday her mum rang to tell her that she wasn't invited to her younger sister's wedding. She hasn't been talking to her mum ever since she came out, but there was nothing to suggest that this was going to happen and Mel was like, what the fuck? She's been fitted for the bridesmaid's dress, six months ago, the invitations have gone out and a month before it happens her mum just calls to tell her not to bother... but she can keep the fucking dress," she fiddled with her phone.

"So, my wall is the church. Why do they tell families to exile their own children? Why talk about a god of love and then do hateful shit in his name? I feel like fucking screaming because I know how it would feel if my mum exiled me, she was so proud of me for coming out because up until then I'd been hiding it and going out drinking before I was eighteen. I came out when I was eighteen and she was so proud of me for being honest that she paid for my driving lessons. She met my girlfriend at the time and told me that she could sleep over in my bed," she stared straight ahead.

"So, yeah, my wall is the fucking church," she sighed.

"It's an antiquated organisation," Abigail commented, "and the sooner it's exposed the better, look at the paedophiles in the Catholic church for fuck's sake and don't get me started on abortion."

Elke was just about to speak up when Robyn suddenly shifted forward and put her hand up.

"Robyn," Penny nodded at her.

"You're right, Abigail and you're wrong. A church is just a group of people who are trying to live what they think is a good life but like people of all stripes and colours they're susceptible to the lies and propaganda of people in positions of power. You told me the church she'd been at and I know it, I've never been there because they're as mad as a cut snake but we have a couple of people at our church who were rejected by the congregation because they didn't have enough faith," she tweaked her fingers to indicate quotation marks.

"That particular church is an American import. They talk about casting out demons as if they're an actual life form, they claim to heal the sick but it's all bullshit, they talk about speaking in tongues but it's just a form of mass hysteria. You get the same sensation at a footy match, it's all carefully orchestrated to control the congregation," she shifted in her seat and looked at her.

"Has she been raised in this church?"

"She's been there for fifteen years and she's twenty three now."

"Okay, so for more than half her life she's been literally bombarded with bible verses, religious books, music, artwork and these people have their own subculture, they have Christian contact lists for Christian tradesmen, lawyers, accountants and all the rest. They view you as the enemy because if they didn't they'd be thrown out on their arses, the bible only mentions homosexuality twice and the second time it's actually about paedophilia," she smiled crookedly.

"There's even a magical potion to bring about an abortion in the bible which is the only time it even mentions abortion, but Melissa needs space. If I came out I'd have the same problems although not as severe because I have non Christian friends, but you have to fill this gaping hole with something and you can't fill it with you because you're not big enough," she fiddled with her tie.

"There are other churches out there that are more forgiving or who'll just turn a blind eye but being exiled by your family is pretty bloody harsh but if your mum isn't homophobic then spend more time there and it might make up for the loss, and if you're okay with it then I can come around and just spend time with you both. It's not much but it's something, she's going to have to spread her roots wide to get through this but putting up walls won't help. Just be there for her when she's you know, feeling vulnerable," she looked around the room and fell silent.

There was a collective silence for a few seconds and then Kathy grabbed her hand.

"Well," Sigrid looked at Kathy, "she took the words out of my mouth, I second all of that and can only add that if you two want to come up and see us you're more than welcome. We've got a great movie and music collection."

"Thank you," Kathy let go of Robyn's hand, "both of you."

"And when you get sick of them come next door to our place," Melanie broke in.

Penny looked at Robyn and for a moment she thought the older woman was going to pass her by but then she smiled.

"Robyn, how would you like to share about one of your walls?"

"My wall," she turned towards her, "is probably the same as Melissa's and Cindy would know a bit about it," she frowned.

"My nanna was the only gay in Warbie, I found out in my last year of high school and by then she had terminal cancer but I knew she helped a lot of women out. My mum is so homophobic that even the homophobes cross the street to avoid her," she paused as a few women chuckled.

"And for the last couple of years I've wondered if the way she treated my nanna, who I loved dearly had something to do with the way I looked at women. I thought maybe I was just rebelling against her homophobia and maybe in the beginning I was but tonight, on the way up here, I bumped into a gay woman who actually flirted with me. Ordinarily I would have felt uncomfortable but tonight I felt almost elated and kind of flattered, the same way I'd feel if a guy was chatting me up," Robyn fiddled with her cuff.

"My dad is the head cop in Warbie, he's an atheist and I love my dad but feel torn about mum. My older sister waited until she was married to lose her virginity because the bible said that was the way you had to do it. When she divorced her husband after thirteen months mum just hit the roof and that was twelve months to the day when nanna got diagnosed. I have these two monkeys on my back, my atheist dad who takes you as he finds you, and my bigoted mum who whispers all kinds of gossip in my ear about my friends and other members of my family. I have a bunch of bananas in my hand and the monkey who wins is the one I feed the most," she frowned.

"The church I'm at now is quite laid back and easygoing but I know if I came out and said that I'm attracted to women, I may find myself in the same situation as Melissa, just not as extreme," she managed a half smile. "So, I'm curious, but nervous as well."

"How long have you felt like this?" Sigrid asked.

"Since I was seventeen but I'd always spent a lot of time with nanna. My mum hated her way of life but she needed her to look after me while she did her church work and worked in a Christian op shop. Nanna was more of a mum to me than mum, but when nanna came out to me I found that I was looking at girls and imagining things I felt guilty about."

"Have you ever kissed a girl?" Abigail spoke up.

"Nope, I've kissed boys but I'm careful not to let it go too far. Jeff is my boyfriend but even he knows he can't touch certain parts of me. He's a mechanic and so whenever I go around there, if he's working on his car, I get changed into some clothes I keep there and help out. I do feel close to him then because he's almost like a big brother, which sounds weird I know."

"Well," Cindy mused, "you can spend time with Mary and I, and you've offered to drop in on Kathy and Melissa," she glanced at Sigrid and Melanie, who also nodded.

"And you can drop in here as well," Penny nodded, "just call first in case I'm out."

"In general though," Mary spoke up, "acceptance is the most important step, just because you're attracted to a woman it doesn't mean you have to sleep with them even if they express a desire to sleep with you. That even applies to dating women, own your feelings but disown the guilt and the expectations, you go out on dates with your boyfriend but from what I understand you don't get into bed with him."

"Personally I would accept you're attracted to other women first and foremost," Sigrid nodded, "but as Mary so aptly put it, you don't have to sleep with the first woman you go out with, I didn't. With Louise it took a few weeks before we got together but she'd certainly understand the struggles with your mother. Her mum totally rejected her and even cut her out of the will, she's just died recently and for Louise it was almost bittersweet," she glanced around at the others.

"Most of you know about her struggles and to her credit she handled it better than me but as Elke and Caroline would testify our parents were a good deal more understanding and supportive," she let her eyes play over Robyn, "so I too had my walls against organised religion but you've made me think again about Christians who are more liberal, which brings me to my wall."

Penny inclined her head as Sigrid picked up her wineglass.

"I mean, Louise has every right to be fucking furious and hurt at what her mother put her and her late sister, Cathy through but she seems almost oblivious to the fact that her mother is six feet under and all her worldly possessions and money were given to either the church or Christian charities, she left the photo albums and a few worthless knick knacks. But it's me who is the most resentful and I know part of it is just me being protective," she paused.

"But there are times I just want to rage and scream at this selfish fucking bitch for what she did but it's all for nothing, she's as dead as a doorpost and I'm the one feeling like I'm trapped."

There was a moment of silence and then Robyn tentatively raised her hand.

"My nanna said," she paused, "that we shouldn't let people live rent free in our heads, especially if we didn't invite them to move in there in the first place. For what's it worth, maybe build a crypt in your mind and just bury her and leave her there."

There was a sudden intake of breath and Robyn glanced up anxiously, sure that she'd crossed a line but instead she found Penny staring at her with a bemused look on her face.

"Out of the mouths of babes," she murmured, "I concur with that one. You're letting this woman fill your mind with hatred and you're just giving her the power to control your emotions. I know Louise has been hurt but focus on the living, the dead are beyond our reach."

Sigrid nodded and looked over at Robyn, and something seemed to pass between them and then it was time to move onto other women. The meeting ended about an hour later and whilst some stayed for coffee, most seemed content to just leave. Sigrid, Melanie, and Elke swapped phone numbers with Robyn and Caroline passed on her street address instead.

"I'm teaching Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights but I'm home other nights, as long as you can put up with my kids."

Robyn and Kathy were amongst the last along with Cindy and Mary. Robyn offered to help out with washing up and tidying up but Penny graciously declined as she walked them to the front door.

"It's fine, really but thank you for offering. There really isn't a lot to do anyway, that's why I have an actual dishwasher, the plates and cutlery were being washed while the meeting was in progress," she opened the front door.

"But next month it's at your joint," Robyn turned to Kathy

"Yep," she ran a hand through her hair, "this is going to be a fucking challenge."

"Don't sweat it," Penny squeezed her shoulder, "we're all here to help out," she turned and put an arm around Robyn.

"And thank you for turning up tonight. You certainly turned heads and I'm not talking about your outfit, that was the most courageous story I've heard since we started this group," she let her go and stepped back.

"I wasn't sure if I said the right thing to Sigrid though."

"Trust me, you did. I've known that woman for the last two years. Her mother is Swedish and her father is Danish, the Fønsmarks are all friends of mine. Her oldest sister Agnetha is my doctor, she works in the same clinic as Mary," she looked past her at the retaining wall.

"And on that pleasant note, I'll see you around," she nodded at Kathy, "and I'll see you tomorrow night," she smiled at Robyn and with that she was stepping back inside.

"You're going out with Penny tomorrow night?" Kathy asked her as they made their way along the verandah.

"Yeah," she glanced at her, "the coffee shop, she made a deal, if I come to her group she'll drop in at my coffee shop."

"Cool," she pulled out her cigarettes, "I'll come too, can't promise Melissa will come but I'll try, she's been teaching guitar at our place the last few weeks, just after work and one of her students couldn't make it tomorrow."

"She's a musician?"

"Yeah, she played in the church rock band and did an arts degree at uni, which qualifies her to work at Allan's music in Croydon as a guitar repairer and she works behind the counter too."

"Whatever, I'll be there about half six or seven to help set up, you don't have to stay long and I'll even buy you both a coffee and pancakes."

"It's a deal," she took out a cigarette, "about what you said in there, she's so right, it's fucking courageous coming out just like that."

"I'm not sure that's coming out, I'm not with anyone."

"That is coming out, you admit it first to yourself and then if you feel right you admit it to someone else but it's not like it's a big deal. Don't get hung up on the rainbow flag crowd, there's nothing wrong with waving a flag but it doesn't define you. I don't even have a rainbow on my dashboard."

"You don't? Okay," she got to the driveway, "but I mean it about dropping in, I need gay friends as well as straight friends," she took a small torch out of her handbag.

"Now let's see if I can make it back up again without going arse over tit."

"Let me help you, take my arm," Kathy stuck her elbow out.

Robyn slipped a hand into the crook of her arm and the two of them walked up to the road but there was a moment's hesitation before Robyn pulled her hand away.

"Thanks," she stared into the blackness, "my God it gets foggy up here."

When they reached their cars they exchanged phone numbers and Kathy gave her a brief hug before stepping away.

"I'll see you tomorrow night."

The strangest thing about that hug she mused on the way back down the mountain some ten minutes later was that she'd almost expected her to grab her arse and yet she hadn't.

Okay, so now I'm out. Now what?

***

Further up the mountain, Penny stepped back to view the recently rearranged couches. The two smaller ones were facing each other in front of the fire whilst the other four were pulled closer to the window. Mary had taken to the task with gusto while Cindy finished tidying up the kitchen and as Penny loaded some more logs onto the fire Cindy came back into the room and sank down into a seat close to the fire.

"Well that was an interesting meeting."

"It surely was," Penny glanced over her shoulder, "she certainly put herself in the spotlight."

"A good job Helen's been banned from these meetings," Mary sat down opposite Cindy, "she'd be in there like a shot," she shifted towards the fire as Penny rose and turned around.

"Helen," Penny winced, "I think she might already know something, she was hanging around our reception like a psycho, but let's just say I'm not about to tell her anything about who is and who isn't out. She's got enough on her plate with trying to balance work and play that adding that to the mix might just bring the whole house of cards tumbling down," she put her hands in her pockets and stared straight ahead,

"The woman does need a little support though, I've never seen someone come out so fast in such a short period of time, it's like she was waiting for an opportunity but as for the physical, well as we all know that can go either way."

"True enough," Mary conceded, "but when I was talking to her earlier she basically went shopping for churches when she left home at the age of eighteen. She specifically said shopping for churches, she was after a church that wasn't like her mother's one, so I'd say she's still a virgin. It could be just what she said it was, rebelling against her mother, she comes across as intelligent and mature, more so than I was at her age."

"There's a reason for that, for her intelligence," Cindy spoke up.

"One of the things Virginia told me before she died was that for years, whenever Robyn came over after school or on weekends, she'd sit and read Virginia's books. She couldn't take them home because it would further disrupt the mother daughter relationship on all levels, but she soaked up knowledge and literature like a sponge to the point that she had to caution her about the way she spoke in front of her mother."

"Is that right?" Penny raised an eyebrow.

"Uh huh. One of the things that Virginia feared the most was that after she was gone her daughter would move into the vacuum and try to fill Robyn's head full of nonsense but she's gone the other way. She actually took every personal item out of the house when she left, the only things she left were the bed and the wardrobe because they were already supplied."