You Could Have Stayed

"You could have stayed."

"You were fucking another guy!"

Kelly regarded me coolly. "No, I fucked another guy. I shouldn't have. I confessed, and I apologized. I begged you to stay and go to counseling so our family could stay together. What I did was wrong, unequivocally, and I was sorry I ever did it. Am sorry." She looked away. "Will never stop being sorry."

"Yeah, you were so sorry that you did it for months, and then didn't confess until months after that!"

She snarled. "It was better than the years that you--" Visibly trying to bring herself under control, she stopped and returned to the original topic. "No, Aaron, I can't reduce your spousal support right now. I wish I could. But I just don't earn enough to keep the house without your help. If you had stayed with us, that wouldn't be--"

"I wasn't going to fucking sleep with you after that!"

"There was a spare bedroom! You didn't have to-- We could have just been roommates. You could have still been near the kids, been around them more often." Just barely loud enough to hear, she said, "That would have been a change of pace."

Always the same argument to justify her cheating. "I was trying to earn a good life for all of us."

"Bullshit. Bull fucking shit. That's-- yeah, that's what you were doing at the beginning, when we first got married, and then when May and Dean came along. And I loved you for it, that you worked that hard for us. But you were earning plenty by the time--" She swallowed. "By then. You could have worked less, eased off the throttle. We had enough. More than. It wasn't for us by then, it was for you. You loved your job." Unsaid, this time, was what she'd said many times before: that I loved it more than I loved them.

"And then, and then when you did take time off, it wasn't to spend with us. With me or with the kids. You went and worked on your car, or you hung out with your fishing buddies or you..." She shook her head.

We'd gone round and round on this. I wasn't there enough. I worked too much. I wasn't really there when I was there. That the kids were old enough that she could have gotten out and worked, but I wanted her to be a housewife; never mind that that was what she had wanted first, and that's why I had worked so much in the first place. She got bored. Depressed. Lonely. And I wasn't there, and he was.

"I'm living in a fucking shoebox and eating ramen, Kelly. I can't do this for another four years, and I don't want to disrupt the kids' lives more than you've--" I closed my eyes and started again. "Than we've already done. I want them to be able to stay in the house, too. That's why I worked so hard, for them to have a good life. But this is killing me."

She bit her lip and thought. "Let me... let me see what I can cut in the household budget. I'll try to free up some, but it might not be more than a hundred or two. I'll try, though, okay?"

"Thank you."

Kelly nodded. I stood up from what had been our kitchen table, ready to leave, when she said, sadly, "I am sorry, you know. I am. I always will be."

Unable to look at her, I simply replied, "Yeah."

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"You could have stayed."

"Thanks, but I needed to be somewhere." Anywhere but across the table from Kelly. There was no way I could sit down to dinner with her and the kids and get through it peacefully.

"The lawn looks great, by the way." She had found some places where she could free up a little cash. One of them was the lawn maintenance. For a few months, she had actually mowed and edged and done all of the other things I'd done before the divorce, but she didn't know how to maintain the equipment.

It took me a couple of weekends to get everything back in order. Not just the equipment, which was badly in need of maintenance, but also the lawn and landscaping. Her hedgeclipper technique was... interesting. And she hadn't been using weedkiller or fertilizer or any of the other chemical treatments I had.

"I wanted it to look nice for the kids. And one of these days, we'll want to sell. Might as well make sure it keeps the curb appeal."

She was quiet for a moment. "Yeah, I suppose so. I never thought we'd have to leave, but you're right. One of these days..." Her sigh was loud over the phone, a hiss of breath that came out the speaker tinny and sharp. Then, she chuckled. "You were looking pretty good, too. Haven't seen you work with your shirt off in a while."

I laughed. "I've had time on my hands, and there's a gym at work. Something free I can do for an hour a day."

"Well, it's paying off." Another pause. "Are you... um, are you seeing anyone?"

After almost a year, no. I'd tried to date, but I was a workaholic with trust issues and no money. Plus, a part of me was still hung up on the past. Not on Kelly, so much, but the idea of our marriage. The idea of what I'd had. Knowing how much work it would take to get back to anything like what she and I had before she cheated seemed almost insurmountable. I wasn't ready to start the climb.

"That's not really any of your business. I'll let you know if anyone gets serious enough that they'll be around the kids."

"I'm sorry, you're right." I heard her voice change just a little, a tiny tremor in it. "Thanks again, Aaron. If you ever do want to stay for dinner, it's an open invitation, okay?"

"Okay, Kel. Thanks."

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"You could have stayed."

"Did you tell your mom that?"

A groan from the other end of the line. "I'm sorry. I know she's been a bitch to you. I talked to her about it, told her you'd be there, and--"

"Of course I was going to be there! It was my daughter's birthday! What the fuck is her problem, anyways?"

"She's just trying to watch out for me." I scoffed. We had never gotten along, and I think she was secretly glad Kelly cheated. She was quite openly unhappy that her daughter hadn't found someone else yet. "I know. I know. But... look, you knew she was going to be there."

"Why? Why did she have to be?"

"Because it was her granddaughter's birthday! She's been-- for god's sake, Aaron, she's been one of the few people that really stepped up to help me out."

I muttered, "Wonder why."

"What?"

"I. Wonder. Why." My voice was both clear and clearly unpleasant. Her mom had once again gotten under my skin, Kelly was once again backing her over me, and I'd missed a good chunk of my kid's birthday party by leaving just so the bitch wouldn't ruin it. I was in no mood for my ex-wife's fucking pity party. "You cheated on me, Kelly. Did you think there weren't going to be any repercussions? Just expected our friends to rally around? You've still got your girlfriends, the other mommies that--"

"I don't."

"What?"

"I don't have them. Some of them... a few were disgusted by what I did. Others were told to steer clear of me by their husbands, like I had fucking cooties. Like I'd tell them they should cheat, too, so they could live the dream of having to work a shit job so her kids wouldn't be homeless." She laughed mirthlessly. "It's fucking awesome go to bed crying every night, ladies!

"I'm a goddamned leper, and that means, by extension, our children are, too. Did you not notice how few kids were at May's party? Some school friends. A couple of the daughters of single moms I know. The children of a work friend. None of our former mutual friends. None of the 'respectable' moms I used to know."

I was quiet as she continued. "No, of course you didn't. Because you fucking bailed, just like you bailed on our marriage."

"Oh, fuck you. I'm not the one that--"

"Yeah! I know! I'm the one that cheated! I'm the one that fucked it up! I'm the one that finally snapped because her husband, for years, treated her like a set of holes he could fuck and a pair of hands that made meals and cleaned his house! That couldn't find anything in her life that made her happy besides her kids! That fucking-- that fucking--" She started to sob. "That wanted her husband to act like she was someone he loved. That he actually gave a damn about."

"Kel--"

"No! I'm done apologizing! I fucked up! I had reasons, and, yeah, they don't excuse what I did, but they were still reasons! I asked you to work on our marriage before any of this happened, fucking begged for it, but you just ignored me! So, yeah, I fucked another guy. But you fucked our lives, you asshole. I would have done ANYthing to make up what I did to you, but you wouldn't even try, wouldn't even talk to me, just treated me like I was the town fucking bicycle, when all I wanted was for someone, anyone, to at least pretend they cared about me. Well fuck you, Aaron! I'm sorry you didn't have a good time at our daughter's birthday party; what a fucking tragedy for you."

"Kel, I--" but the line was already dead.

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"You could have stayed."

"Noooo, I don't think I could have. Your date was trying to murder me with her eyes, Aaron."

A promotion for me and a new position for Kelly had eased our spousal support problem. We were able to go back to our original arrangement, but I still did the lawn maintenance. Even stayed for dinner a few times before. Ostensibly that was because there was a minor repair that needed to be done on the house, but I had missed Kelly's cooking more than I wanted to admit.

The promotion eased my personal money problems, too; my apartment was now a two bedroom shoebox, for when the kids came over. Time had helped with my pain. Therapy had helped me deal with the issues on my side that had led to the end of our marriage, as well as the new ones that were inflicted on me when Kelly cheated. I still had some trust problems, but I was far enough down the path that I'd started going out again; a few nights before, I had run into Kelly while on a date.

I laughed. "What about yours?"

"My what?"

"Your date."

"Jim?" Kelly snorted. "No. No, Jim was not my date. He's just a friend from work."

"Does he know that? 'Cause I'm pretty sure he thought he was."

Dinner had been great tonight, and the kids were in bed. It felt good tucking them in together again; I was feeling a touch nostalgic. I think we both were, and that led to us sharing a couple glasses of wine on the couch. Two years into our split, things had gotten more comfortable; not entirely without tension, but nothing like the landmine-dotted terrain of emotional instability we'd tried to navigate in the early days.

"No! He doesn't..." She stopped for a moment. "Shit. Okay, no, he wasn't. Just-- I thought just a friend from work. It's..." A rueful chuckle, her eyes looking anywhere but at me. "It's been a while since I've been on a date. Not since with you. I'll have to make sure he knows it wasn't a date when I see him next. Thanks."

We both sipped our wine for a bit. Once we'd finished our glasses, Kelly softly said, "She was very pretty."

I wasn't sure what to say to that. She was, but I was having such a pleasant time sitting with Kel. I didn't want this to turn into-- "I'm not looking for a fight, Aaron. She's pretty. I'm glad you're-- I don't want you to be lonely."

"Are you?"

A little too hesitantly. "I'm, uh, I'm so busy with work and everything that... Well, I'm just not looking."

"That's not what I asked, Kel."

"... Yeah. Yeah, I am. I didn't--" she sighed. "I didn't want any of this. You know that. I just-- god, I fucked up so bad, Aaron, even if..." Even if her life was miserable before. Even if I had made her miserable.

I nodded. "I know, Kell. I know." We sat quietly for a few moments, then I couldn't help letting out a little chuckle.

"Hrm?"

"For what it's worth, it's pretty shit out there. Dating, I mean."

"Oh, yes, it looked awful having that bi-- lovely woman hanging off of you."

I laughed. "Were you jealous?"

Kelly shook her head, not looking at me again. "I don't have any right to be jealous."

"But you were."

"Insanely. Insanely fucking jealous. You are-- the way you've changed, how you're-- physically, mentally, emotionally, you're the man I fell in love with but even better, and it hurts, it hurts so fucking bad that I wasn't worth changing for, and now some other slut is going to--" She stopped suddenly, the embarrassment on her face showing exactly how much she wished she hadn't said any of that. It fought with the anguish in her voice as she started again, anguish from not being able to say everything she wanted. "I'm sorry. I just--"

"You were worth it, Kell. I just-- I wasn't worthy of you. I did everything you said. I ignored you and the kids, worked too much, treated you like a fucking servant, all of it. And I wouldn't listen to you about any of it. I don't know when I started-- when I stopped treating you like my wife. I'm sorry."

Kelly's eyes went wide. I realized now that I'd never apologized to her. Yes, what she did to me was wrong, but what I did to her was, too. "You broke your vows to me, Kell, but I broke mine first." She gasped. "Not... I didn't cheat on you. But I didn't cherish you. I didn't honor you. There was no... no comfort in how I treated you. I--"

She was straddling me, kissing me, my face cradled between her two hands. I froze briefly, then my hands were roaming her back, pulling her tightly against me. My tongue slipped into her mouth, and hers tangled with it. The low moan could have come from either of us.

I knew that this was a bad idea. I'm sure she did, too. But then Kelly ground her hips against me, groaning loudly as my erection pushed against her. Then she kissed my neck, and my hand slipped up into her shirt. Then I picked her up and carried her back to her bedroom. And then, it was the best idea I'd ever had.

Her shirt was off in seconds, those beautiful, bountiful tits that I adored bouncing as they were freed from their confinement. Her yoga pants were next. She hadn't shaved, either her legs or her bush, and I didn't care. She was as beautiful as she'd ever been; maybe moreso. I hadn't been the only one in the gym, apparently.

Kelly's hand was on the crotch of my jeans as I stripped off my shirt. "Please, Aaron. Please." She rubbed my hardness, squeezed it, then moved her hands to my belt buckle. I reached down and squeezed her breasts as she did so, pinching the nipples. I wanted to hurt her, just a little. Just the way that she liked. Her hands slowed for a moment as she gasped and whined, then sped through the task of disrobing me, eagerly seeking her prize.

When she finished peeling the clothes away from my body, Kel smiled broadly. I heard her whisper, "I missed you," as she leaned in and gave my cock a tiny kiss. Looking up in supplication, she asked, "How? How do you want me, Aaron? Anything. Any--"

I pushed Kelly onto her back roughly. It had been too long; not just with her, but in general. There had been other women, other lovers I'd taken, albeit briefly. Not many, though, and not recently. I should have had her start with a blowjob, a handjob, something so that I could last longer. But I knew what I wanted right now. Her legs went over my shoulders. Her right hand reached down, placing my cock at her entrance, teasing her lips with the head. Her left hand touched my face with sudden tenderness. And then her head was thrown back, pushing against the mattress as I entered her for the first time in years, plunging inside her wet, hot cunt with one brutal thrust.

She was so ready for me, ready to be taken and filled. I wasn't gentle. A part of me was still angry. Angry at her, that she had fucked another man. Angry with myself, that I'd made our marriage so unbearable that the idea had even crossed her mind. Angry that this had been taken from me, that we couldn't find the way back to us. I fucked her mercilessly, punishing her with all of that anger and frustration. She loved it.

"Oh god! Aaron! Oh fuck, lover, oh god!" Her hands moved to her nipples, squeezing and pinching them, nails digging into the hard little nubs.

"Look at me." Her eyes locked on. "Who fucking owns this cunt?"

"You! Oh god, Aaron, it's always been you! You own my fucking cunt!" I slammed into her, amplifying her desire by ignoring her need, by just taking this stupid slut that I still loved. Kelly knew what this was, a reclamation, and she exulted in it. "Aaron, I lo--"

My hand found her throat and squeezed. "No." Not that. Not yet, maybe not ever.

I saw the fear in her eyes, then the lust as she nodded. "Your cock! I love your cock! The way you fuck-- oh god!-- the way you fuck me!"

I was too close to stop; she hadn't come yet, but I'd rectify that after I'd satisfied myself. She whimpered as I pulled out of her needy little hole, but her eyes turned to fire when she watched me stroke myself. Kelly laughed with glee as streaks of pearlescent white splattered between her cleavage, onto her belly, across her hips. She spread it around with two fingers, then brought it to her lips for a quick taste as I climbed from between her legs. "Is that all--"

My cock was between her lips. "Get it hard again, slut. Suck me so I can fuck you 'til you scream."

It was like lighting the fuse on a stick of dynamite. My ex-wife enthusiastically fellated me, using every bit of technique she had. "That's it. Good fucking girl. You were always such a good little cocksucker." Two fingers slid between her labia, hooked up inside of her and pressed. My thumb slid back and forth across her clit, driving her wild. She gasped and choked just a little bit, coughing, but that just excited me more. Her, too. She stopped her ministrations for a moment as she tensed and screamed around my dick, cumming hard on my fingers.

That was a warmup for the next hour. I flipped her onto her stomach while she was still half-dazed and spent our remaining time together fucking her first doggy style and then prone when her legs could no longer hold up. She begged and pleaded and screamed as I'd promised, her noises only muffled by her pillow as she came over and over again. When we were done, I kissed her softly on the shoulder, whispering in her ear, "Thank you."

She didn't ask me to stay. This had been a fuck between two people who needed one; that's what I told myself. When I left, I kissed her once more, belying that notion. It was more, but we both needed time to figure out what.

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You could have stayed.

I ignored the text message for a while. Well, not "ignored," but "avoided." The following three months saw an erratic but increasingly frequent repeat of our post-dinner entertainment. The kids were ecstatic that I was staying for dinner more often. Kelly was ecstatic for more than that. And I? Well, I was uncertain, especially after the previous night.

We had fucked a lot before that night. Hatefucked sometimes, our anger with each other manifesting in incredible sex that left us in a communications blackout for days afterwards. But the previous night, we had made love for the first time since long before our divorce. It was slow and gentle, a caring act between two people that loved each other. Kelly even said so as I was inside her, but I couldn't reciprocate. Wouldn't. Wanted to, but couldn't trust myself or her. She invited me to stay the night afterwards, but I demurred, claiming an early start the following day. She knew it was bullshit, but she let it go. Let me go.

I finally bit the bullet. I didn't want the kids to get the wrong idea.

Her reply was almost immediate. The kids or me?

I sat and stared at my phone for a while, thinking. All of us.

I love you, Aaron.

I know. A pause before I sent it. Then I added Do you want to see someone together? A counselor?

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