A Bestiary of Monster GirlsbyMatthewVett©
A Bestiary of Monster Girls
Bestiarum Monstrarum Feminarum
Bestiarum Monstrarum Feminarum was written in 1243 by Arminius Wilhelm Otto Karl Friedrich Wilhelm Maximilian Melchior Leopold Wilhelm von Ravensberg, known to history as Herman the German. A Generalprokurator of the Teutonic Knights, he wrote his magnum opus as a warning to the knights and missionaries in Prussia, many of whom fell prey to the temptations of monstrous and demonic women. Predictably, though, his text served as less of a warning than a guide, and many were the men who went in search of the women against whom Herman had so ardently warned them.
As Generalprokurator, Herman had the ear of the Pope himself, and the book soon spread to other religious orders through the Roman Catholic Church. From there, it rapidly spread to those who were not bound by oaths of celibacy, where it has stayed ever since. The book spread across Europe, and is estimated to be the most widely read book of the 1200s. Marco Polo took a copy with him on his trip to China, as a gift for the Great Khan, and his own marginalia indicate that he encountered some of the creatures described within, as well as others unknown to Herman. It was one of the first works printed by Gutenberg, who is rumored to have had an encounter with an incubus who has once known Faust, and who gave him the idea for his printing press. Later, Roger Williams brought his own copy on his voyage to the New World, so that he might be better prepared against the temptations that he thought he would encounter in the forests of New England. However, after learning the local languages and cultures, he soon realized that the monsters, far from being savage beasts, were intelligent beings with their own society, and he wrote the first English language account of the American monstrous species, A Key into the Monsters of America, a book which made his name in England and brought him much fame.
Over seventy manuscripts of the work are extant, most of which inexplicably have multiple pages stuck together as if by some sort of glue, possibly the result of over-eager censors. Nevertheless, enough exist that the entirety of the work can be reconstructed. In the Renaissance, it was a popular myth that the work was a lost fourth book of Ovid's own Ars Amatoria, but this is easily disproven, and the clichéd trick of attributing a new work to an ancient author is a pathetic way of trying to lend legitimacy to subpar writing. No, it is indeed obvious that this work was written by Herman the German and no one else.
As is to be expected of a work of such importance and widespread distribution, a number of commentaries and translations exist of it. The worst commentary is arguably Ernst August of Hanover's, who, like all other Ernst Augusts of Hanover, was a jerk, and whose commentary consists almost entirely of which insults are most offensive to the various women, and how best to hurt their feelings. The dullest translation and commentary is probably that of Lord Nigel Poppenroy, who wrote in 1857, and therefore had to excise all mentions of legs, breasts, pussies, sex per anum, orem, et more ferarum, dildos, bondage, fellatio, cunnilingus, irrumatio, sodomy, gomorrahmy, and snuggling afterwards. Even then, the publication provoked riots in the streets, as well as an immediate increase in trips to the continent.
The best commentary, however, is by and large agreed to be that of Signore Niccolò Melanzana, a minor Florentine aristocrat of the early 1500s, who, using the Bestiarum as his guide, traveled throughout Europe, meeting and romancing many of the women described within. His accounts admirably supplement Herman's writings, and the two authors unwittingly create a better work together than either of them did singly. For this reason, Melanzana's commentaries are presented along with the original text in asterisked italics. I have attempted to provide a modern, colloquial translation, devoid of mentions to godemichés and olisbos, while still preserving the flavor of Herman and Melanzana's original writings. Only the first volume of this work is presented here, but more are to follow soon.
Finally, I wish to thank the University of Verführungsberg for their generosity with their manuscript, as well as their extreme enthusiasm for this project. Indeed, innumerable undergraduates assisted me throughout this translation, and sometimes I even caught them translating pages late at night.
- Magnus Lotharius, Professor of Monstrous Studies at Cornell University
Bestiarum Monstrarum Feminarum
In these dark pagan lands, there are things far more dangerous than heathen Prussians of which our brave knights must be wary. Things that lurk in the darkness, waiting for innocent men so that they may entice them off the path of virtue into sin and vice. These primeval forests contain creatures long since banished from civilized Christendom, creatures long thought to be the products of the imagination of ancient authors, but as so many of us are now discovering, these creatures are real.
I speak, of course, about monster-women: those most dangerous of creatures, whose lascivious temptations have corrupted far too many once-upstanding young men. Remember that the word "monster" has two origins. There are some who say it comes from the Latin monstrare, which means "to point out." According to this etymology, monsters have been scattered through the world by God as an exhibition of his power, as a demonstration of what He can do. Nothing is impossible for Him, and the variety of his creations knows no bounds.
However, I side with the second faction, which believes the word comes from monere, which means "to warn." These monsters are warnings from God so that we might not stray from the One True Faith. Through them and their monstrous forms, He shows us how not to act, so that we can act properly. They are the counterparts of the heavenly saints, these monsters, and so despite their sins, they, too, have their own part to play in the world.
*They'd make better warnings if they weren't all more beautiful than Botticelli's best works. If God was going for "warning," he needs a better editor.
Fortunately, these monsters can be defeated, through faith and the proper preparations, young men can avoid these temptresses. Below, I have detailed the various monsters to be found not only in Prussia, but throughout Europe, and even farther afield, to Rus and Arabia, when I have found information regarding them. Heed my words, and you, too, can find safety, as I have.
*More profitable to do as I have, and heed his words to find temptation. Safety is boring.
In the darkest, deepest forests live these monstrous beasts. Their appearance is hideous: that of a slender woman's torso atop the abdomen of a giant spider. Her six legs are those of a spider, while her arms are human, although her fingernails are bestial, and as sharp as nails. Her skin is pallid and her hair pale and stringy. She has eight eyes on her face, which is otherwise human, except for a lack of teeth. Instead, her fangs are concealed within her mouth until she needs to feed, when she unsheathes them, injects her poison into whatever animal or man she has captured, and drinks his liquefied gore.
*Would this taste better or worse than Bianca's crostatas?
The arachnidae are driven entirely by instinct and have no abilities of reason, despite their mocking resemblance to humanity. They build their webs in forests and wait for some creature to stumble into it and become captured in the sticky silk of their webs. The silk is much stronger than any rope and cannot be broken by mortal strength. Struggling will only entangle the victim further. If, however, it has only caught your clothing, one can extricate oneself from the web. If flesh becomes stuck, though, amputation is the only hope of survival.
*The arachnidae themselves can deftly remove it without problem, however.
As for defending yourself against these monsters, there are several ways. They cannot penetrate metal, and chain mail provides some protection against their fangs and claws if one encounters one in a fight. Their natural armor is weak, and they are vulnerable to mundane weapons, if one can find or catch them. They prefer to hide in the tree tops, watching their webs for activity. Their eyesight is flawless, and they can spot a mouse crawling through the leaves from their perches at the tops of oak trees without difficulty, but it is also sensitive. They avoid the pure light of the sun, and can be briefly blinded by it if taken unawares.
Fortunately, their terrible appearance dissuades men from them, yet some fools still persist in attempting to reason with these hellish creatures. I must warn anyone against such suicidal madness, for to attempt it is surely to court death itself.
*Perhaps no other breed of monster is so misunderstood as the arachnidae. Fitting, considering their namesake. While the females are of a similar scale to human beings, the males are approximately a tenth of the size, with a corresponding decrease in intelligence. They are, essentially, studs, and their sole purpose in arachnidae society is to contribute sperm for the next generation. After they lose their fertility, they are abandoned or, if food is scarce, devoured.
This fact of nature produces in the arachnidae females a chronic loneliness. One half of their own race is essentially their pets, and their own appearance frightens off many of those who are of a comparable intelligence. It is a sad situation, one that I happily remedied.
I visited the Schwarzwald and found a colony of arachnidae, taking with me a few beasts of burden to sacrifice upon the altar of their hunger before making my appearance, of course. Once their hunger is satisfied, they are much more sociable beings, and they are almost desperately eager for new social interaction, if one is competent enough to not judge their appearances.
To my fellow seekers of love, the primary advice I offer is this: flatter. Centuries of humans have convinced them they are hideous, but a single man can make them realize their beauty. They are, at heart, very sweet creatures, affectionate, and loyal. They lack certain enjoyable anatomy, however, so one must be creative.
As the bestiary mentions, their primary source of nutrition is liquefied protein, and as I discovered, they care not the source. With their pedipalps sheathed, their toothless mouths are adapted for powerful sucking, and after ensuring them of the resulting source of protein, I was easily able to convince one young arachnidae maiden to fellate my cock, to our mutual enjoyment.
Their breasts and nipples are sensitive, but curiously, they cannot orgasm. The pleasure they receive from pleasant, intelligent conversation, though, exceeds any physical pleasure they can feel, and so I recommend that only those who can converse quite well attempt the seduction of an arachnidae.
Centaurs are so well known that a physical description seems superfluous, yet I will do so anyway, for perhaps in some blessed future age, this book shall outlast the monsters it describes, and mankind will need such descriptions as these. From the waist up, they resemble human beings, although of a slightly larger size than average. Below the waist, however, they have the body of a horse below that beast's neck.
They are most commonly found in Tartary, where small tribes of them live a nomadic existence in the steppes. They very rarely approach civilization, being naturally opposed to cities, and any other places that are not open enough for their tastes. Like all barbarians, they are savage, but have a great respect for the principles of honor and hospitality.
*Unlike civilized folk, who has no respect for either.
As might be expected, they make natural cavalry, and not only do the men participate in war, but so too do the women, as modern day Amazons. Their weapon of choice is the bow, for, like our own steeds, they cannot bear to march into the points of swords and spears, and so prefer to stay away from the thick of battle, often allying themselves with human armies. Indeed, a contingent of centaurs fought at the Battle of Mohi with the Mongol Horde.
*Fortunately, they do not follow in the Amazons' footsteps so far as mastectomies are concerned.
As mentioned, they find it hard to bear the brunt of sharp weapons, as well as closed-in spaces. Nor do they easily deal with surprises of any kind, and they are especially vulnerable to ambuscades. Their hearing is quite sensitive, however, so especial care must be taken in order not to give oneself away before the ambush is sprung. They are especially vain of their physical appearance, as well, and so threats of disfigurement are quite effective against them.
The centaurs wear nothing upon their lower halves, except for armor when they enter battle. As for their chests, the males use only body paint during peacetime, while the womenfolk bind their breasts tightly when they run, for without these bindings, the bouncing of their breasts is very painful. When they are resting after a day's work, they unbind their breasts and wear nothing to conceal their shame.
If traveling through the territory of a centaur tribe with ladies, care must be taken that decent women do not get too close a look at centaur males, for their privy members are of a comparable size to stallions', and a female who has once seen such an encumbrance can only forget it with great difficulty. I recommend blindfolding any females present, lest their souls be tempted by these monstrous members.
*Unfortunately, these women no longer reside in Europe. I encountered some merchants, though, who had recently had dealings with a tribe in the Crimea Khanate. Believing this to be the most convenient location for us to meet, I purchased a trip back with these merchants as they left Venice.
Fortunately, my father taught me how to ride as a boy, for centaurs have little respect for anything as slow and cumbersome as a footslogger. Knowing that speed is the quickest way to gain esteem among these people, I brought my best horse with me for the trip. After outrunning one of the tribe's numerous young princelings, I was invited to a centaur funeral.
Like the Thracians, they celebrate births and deaths in a way widdershins to our own methods. When a new member of the tribe is born, they mourn and cry bewailing the future misfortunes that are destined to afflict the child. But when one dies, they celebrate not only that their misfortunes are finally at an end, but also the fortune that the survivors continue to enjoy. Just as I had arrived, the former khan had recently passed, resulting in this celebration.
Their drink of choice is fermented milk, an awful concoction, but fortunately there was no opposition to my drinking my native wine. During the festivities, everyone's inhibitions were loosened, both from social convention and the abundance of alcohol, and during such celebrations, it is not unusual for the centaurs to behave like the Mossynoecians of the Anabasis of Xenophon, and copulate publicly and without shame.
I confess, I felt rather inadequate that day. I measured one male at over two feet, and he was in no way extraordinary. I don't blame Herman for trying to stop young ladies from spoiling themselves with such equipment, for how could they ever find satisfaction again?
Fortunately, I had my own advantages. The build of a centaur does not allow for much flexibility, and both oral sex and manual masturbation are completely unknown to them. What I lacked in size, I more than made up for in experience and skill. One raven-haired centaur woman caught my fancy, and I proceeded to explain in great detail the various techniques I could apply to her. From her fiery blush, I knew my words were having the intended effect, and I proceeded to show her first hand what I could do.
With my fingers and tongue, I brought her to orgasm no less than five times that day. Since their clitoris is in a similar position to where it is on human women, it is rarely stimulated during sex, and orgasms are quite rare for centaur women, unless they find something of the appropriate height to grind against. I gather she informed her friends that night, for when I awoke the next morning, I had a line of eight maidens outside my yurt, eager to sample my skills. I satisfied as many as I could, but my strength is not infinite, and some had to go home that night unfulfilled.
After that, though, I was a popular member of the tribe, at least with the women, and I wager that the next human male who visits the tribe will find himself similarly popular thanks to my efforts.
Concubi are a type of demon from Hell, commonly referred to as succubi and incubi when they take the forms of women and men, respectively. However, as demons are without gender, the two are a single race, able to take on the appearance of either sex. However they appear, though, they are always physically flawless, in sharp contrast to their spiritual degradation.
As succubi, they lay with men, coming to them in the night when they are alone. They take the form of a beautiful maiden, able to peer into their victim's soul in order to take the form they find most attractive. The victim may at first mistake the succubus's rousings for a wet dream, only to awaken and find the demon atop him. Without shame, succubi will resort to any action, no matter how low and sinful, in order to entice men and bring them to orgasm.
When they appear, they apply a great pressure to their victim's body, often leaving him unable to move or properly resist the demon. The man is paralyzed in his bed, helpless before them. Therefore, any defense against a concubus must take place before he falls asleep. They are weak against the signs of Christendom, and a crucifix or a rosary wrapped around a man's privy member will deter their predations.
A man's orgasm is the only goal of a succubus. As demons, they are unable to create life themselves, and so they must steal the semen of a human in order to bring forth new beings. In the form of a woman, the concubus steals semen. In the form of a man, it spreads it, impregnating a woman in the night. The children produced by these demons tend to be especially sinful, easily falling to lust and pride, and when they reach adulthood, many find them irresistible.
*The dour Prussian is right on the ball. The only problem is actually finding a succubus. They tend to meander throughout the countryside, seemingly at random, avoiding large cities. From what I have found, they are drawn to lust, and so one must sacrifice and go without orgasm for a few weeks beforehand, so that by the time one begins hunting for succubi, one's thoughts are absolutely consumed by carnal perversions. Fortunately, the latter requirement is easy enough.
Once one finds you, though, you're in for a treat. They live for centuries, and their accumulated experience makes for an unforgettable experience. I was awoken one night in a small Bohemian village only to find a well-endowed, honey-haired maiden wrapping her lips around my hard cock, bobbing her head up and down vigorously. Her tongue wrapped around my shaft as she enthusiastically caressed every inch of my manhood. Once she took my cock into the cleavage of her full, heavy breasts, I couldn't last much longer, and soon surrender my seed between her perfect, pink lips. She soon put me to sleep again, and I awoke the next morning with some new memories and a satiated libido.