A huge thank-you to estragon, copy editor and wonderful suggestion giver!
You offered me the moon tonight, by offering to provide for me all my needs, desires, and wants. Yet, as I tried to form the right words to express my gratitude all I could think to type was: All I have to give are words.
The words would be true, heartfelt, and full of the desire I feel for you, but in the end that is all they would be --- words. I can't walk up your street, down your sidewalk, through your yard, onto your porch and into your home. Nor can you place yourself in mine.
So do I give words full of emotion and yet hear the ones full of lies?
Lies? What lies you ask?
The lies that one day we will find each other. One day we will walk hand in hand down a winding path through a park or we will sit side by side on a park bench together. Perhaps one day we will laugh and smile at each other as we share a chocolate shake.
Those lies though, will not be spoken by me. They will be spoken by you. You will be the one speaking the untruths. You will be lying to me, but not lying to yourself, because you know the truth. I am not the one you desire. I am not your soul-mate. You told me so yourself.
So as you tell me you dream of me, you long to be with me, to lavish me with the love I deserve, it is not truly me that you wish to give these gifts to, but it is to another woman. This woman is your other half. She is the one that makes you feel complete. She has opened your heart and though you have found a place for me there, it isn't the place I need. It is the place you're willing to give me.
I think that is why I am hesitating to accept what you offer.
I must ask myself is that enough for me -- to be second once again in a man's heart? See, I was already second in one man's heart. He placed himself first, not me, and now you ask me to live that way again. I just don't know if I can do that to myself one more time.
I would like to be first, even if it is in a dream.
So now I sit and wonder about where to go from here and I ask myself, are they lies if I know they are false? Can I keep my grasp on reality when you say you love me, but it isn't the love I need? You are not my missing half, and I am not yours. Do I accept second place and never strive to discover first?
I am tired of being second.
I want to be the one that you gazed upon and know to be the most beautiful creature in the room. I desire to feel the warm caress of a lover's kiss, and know the one who kisses me doesn't pine for another. I need to be the woman who makes your knees weaken and your pulse race -- not for a while, but for a life-time.
Am I asking too much? Expecting too much? Wanting too much?
No, I don't think I am. I think I am only asking for what I deserve. I don't want to play second fiddle to your fantasy woman, whom you've tucked away in your heart and now seek to use me to try to bury her.
If she is your soul mate, then what am I?
I write this letter knowing that someday someone will stumble across it and they will think as I do --- was she talking about me? How did she know my story? Why can't I be first?
There are many like me, and yet no one is like me. I am unique -- though I am one of many. I am a woman who for the time being becomes the fantasy you need to get through your day. So don't confess your love to me. Don't share with me how you will use me to bury the hurt and the pain you have because a hole has been placed on your heart. I'm not here for that.
As you read this, or as others read it, ask yourself this --- if I were her, would I want this type of love? Was it wise to tell her that she would never be my soul mate, my one true love, my heart's desire? Was it truthful -- yes, but was it fair, because now she has to build a special wall of mortar and brick to protect herself from me.
I end this letter the same way as it began, in answer to all you confess you're willing to give me --- All I have are words.
And, my dear, the only words I have are: GO FUCK YOURSELF!
No Longer Second Best.