Domestic Violence and Me

This is my confession. A confession of something that I would not tell anyone in my life about. My partner is abusive. I often doubt myself and wonder if perhaps he's not. Perhaps I am misinterpreting things. I think individuals discredit things when they actually happen to THEMSELF. I have caught myself thinking "Well it doesn't count if it's happening to me".

I shall give you some examples and you can decide for yourself:

- I was going to the shop without the kids so he hit me around the head and bent up my earrings, making my ear bleed.

- When I was 9 months pregnant he slowed the car down, pushed me out, and drove away.

- He pulled me into the house from the garden by my hair and then kicked me while I was crouched on the floor.

- He shouts at me. If I am trying to discuss something or bring something up for discussion that he does not want to, he shouts. Not just shouts, but REALLY shouts- so loud that it scares me.

-If I am in his way when he walks around the house, he pushes me aside roughly, or just carries on walking despite my presence.

- After a row, he will tell people all about it as if I'm not there. He tells people only his side of things, and rubbishes me as a fool.

- One day when I was eating my dinner he asked me to pass him something. I said no because I was eating and he wasn't, so he came over, lifted my dinner up and threw it on me.

- Yesterday he said something, to which I flippantly replied, "Don't be silly". He flew at me and was going to punch me but luckily I managed to move in time.

I am scared of him. I am scared of what he will do to me. I am scared of the physical pain he is able to cause me and I am scared of his temper when flips out and shouts so loud and smashes the house. I am scared when I go out, from small trips to the shop, to longer outings. I am scared because I know that if I am a little later than I said I would be, I have to listen to hours of him shouting at me, accusing me of anything and everything.

I am scared that my children will grow up to hate me because I am not brave enough to leave.

I should have read the signs earlier in the relationship. I should have known when he kept me up all night arguing about the exact words I'd used when I was on the phone to my friend. I was 18 when we got together and I suppose I didn't know any better. I just wanted to be with this big muscular hunk. He told me he had been violent to his previous wife and had been to prison. But I was young and he was sweet, so I believed he must have changed.

I long to have a relationship where I am not second best, but equal. He tells me that no-one would love me like he does. He tells me that things will never be any better because it's my fault and I'll never change. I have changed though. But he is always ahead of me. I'll use the analogy of 'black and white':

Earlier in our relationship he used to tell me black was white. I would disagree, so he would keep me up all night 'discussing' the finer points of why black was white.

In the end, I learnt to just agree. If he told me black was white, I would just nod along and agree.

BUT THEN he started changing the rules. He would tell me black was white and I would agree, but he'd reply that black was black- why would I say it wasn't, was I thick or something?!

So now I don't even know. I don't even remember what I think, what my opinion is. I just look at him for cues, trying to read in his expression or his voice, what is best to say.

I am 25. I do not believe I will ever be able to be with anyone else. Firstly because I don't think I will be brave enough to ever leave. Secondly because I wouldn't want to be- I would never get so close to anyone that they could hurt me so much again.

I am not the person I used to be. I don't know where she went, but now I am trapped in the life of someone I never thought I would be. But at least I am numb.