tagHumor & SatireFuck You, Brain

Fuck You, Brain


Hello there. Yeah, I'm talking to you. This is a new way of writing for me, and it just struck me to write this. I did not get it edited, sorry I'm not sorry. Most of the time I find the stuff I write on the fly doesn't mesh well with an editor. I do apologize for the short length, though. I do usually try to make them longer than this. But again, it just sort of sprang onto the screen. I've never actually written anything like this, so any constructive criticism is welcome. I really do like to know what you think... of the writing, that is. Again, this is the closest I've ever gotten to train-of-thought from a character. So be gentle. Ish.


My typical day starts with waking up to one or more children climbing into bed with me and my husband to make sure we know that it is morning and that it is now time to get up because they are hungry. I'm lucky if I can shut my eyes for another five minutes, but it usually doesn't happen. Before you start thinking that my husband, Jim, gets to go back to sleep I would like to tell you to stop. Our routine is that we both get up with the kids. We both make breakfast, and then we both help the kids get ready for school before we start getting ready for work. We have two kids, and there are two of us. It makes sense that the responsibility is shared. By the time we have the kids all ready for school, the neighbor's girl has shown up at the door and is ready to help them get on the bus. We then have about fifteen minutes to get ready and get on the road. Make-up takes me no time, flat. I have this down to an art, folks.

You should be able to imagine the relief when, on a rare weekend, the kids actually sleep in and me and the hubs can get some much-needed alone time. This alone-time is usually interrupted by one or both kids banging on the door to make sure that we know it is locked and that they are HUNGRY. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

"Get married," they said. "Have kids like us," they said. "It will be fun."

Fuck them with a dull knife... in the neck. No, I wouldn't change any of the choices I have made. I love my husband and I love my kids. Sometimes, though, I just want a day where it all goes away.

Last week, I got that day. Surprise! My mother-in-law, who I am pretty sure is the wife of Satan himself but don't let my kids know that's what I think of their dear Nana, decided to pop in for a visit. Not just any visit, either. No! She was taking the kids back with her for the weekend. Who is this sainted woman who showed up on my doorstep promising Peace and Silence? And what did she do with my actual wife-of-Satan-himself mother-in-law? Because, quite frankly, she needs to do this shit more often.

I threw clothing into a duffel bag and slung the kids in her car through the window. What? They liked it. I'm not even sure if the clothing I sent them with was clean. Or theirs. But I didn't care. I was kid-free for an entire weekend and neither of us had to work! This kind of thing just does not happen to normal people like us.

Jim came in after the whirlwind had left with our offspring and just kind of blinked as he looked around, "I think I'm going deaf."

"No, honey," I said, smiling and probably looking more than a little hysterical. "That's the sound of silence. You don't remember it. It's been gone for too long. But we used to have this sound a lot."

"It must have been nice back then," he looked dazed. I know I felt dazed and a little confused, but I wasn't complaining. "So, what are we going to do?"

I stood, gaping at him. What were we going to do? We hadn't had a kid free weekend in so long that we had forgotten how to be normal human beings. I could lay out in the back yard naked and there wouldn't be any little voices reminding me that someone might see my pee-pee place. I could go shopping and get all of the errands done in less than a quarter of the normal time. Hey, don't laugh. You try grocery shopping with two kids. It takes half an hour just to get them out of the damn car, and don't even mention going into the store. It's a fucking nightmare at the best of times. Shopping without them would be like a vacation in Hawaii. "I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I don't remember how to have fun." He looked like this might make him cry. Then I realized I didn't remember how to have fun either, and how I had just thought that going shopping without my tiny terrors would be a vacation.

"Want to go for a drive? We used to do that, didn't we? Just drive around downtown and see if we could find somewhere new?"

"I think we did. It seems so long ago."

"Remember the strip club we went to at noon that one day? That was fun."

"I think I'm too old for a strip club. But we can drive and see what we can find."

"Do you remember where we keep the keys?" I had had the great idea of hanging a key hook by the back door. I just knew it would get used all the time because that was the door we used the most. One of the kids, I don't recall which one, decided one day that that would be the perfect place to loop a jump rope and hang like Tarzan from it. Bye bye, key hook.

"I'm sure mine are in the kitchen somewhere. Maybe on the island." We walked into the kitchen and, after some searching, discovered my keys behind the couch in the living room.

"These will work. A car's a car, right?" Good thing neither of us drove a minivan. We could be inconspicuous kidless married adults in the great wide world of wonder we were about to embark into.

I drove aimlessly, not really paying attention to the streets or the area of town. Jim sat in the passenger seat and looked at something on his phone. Finally, I pulled into a small parking lot for what I thought was a restaurant. We walked in to find a room full of leather couches set in cozy conversation areas, with people lounging and making out. At first, I was dumbstruck. People still did that?!

A small man in what had to be the most hideous pink suit greeted us at the door before we could get more than a couple steps inside. "Welcome, are you looking for anything in particular?"

"Nope," Jim said. "We just didn't know what this place was, and thought we'd check it out."

"Well, we are a hider's club. People come here and make out or have sex or do anything they want in full public view without the threat of repercussions. You're welcome to find a place for yourselves."

"Wait," I was feeling faint. People still had sex? How long had I been out of the social loop that I had forgotten what sex was like? "What?"

"We hide in plain sight. People come here to explore things, try something new, or whatever they want."

"You mean we can have sex?" Jim asked, echoing my own confusion on this subject. "With nobody interrupting because they have to go potty?"

"Oh, dear," the little pink man said. "I'll be right back with Malcolm."

We stared at a couple who were really going at it on a couch and I felt something funny low in my body. It was almost as though my body remembered that position even if my mind had been so fogged with thoughts of school registries and crayons to recall. Jim was making whining noises next to me and I glanced over to see what he had discovered just as the little pink man returned with a man in jeans and a casual button-down shirt in tow.

"They're parents. I don't think they remember sex, or at least not the fun bits." The little pink man gestured to us as he talked to who I was assuming was the Martin he had mentioned.

"I can see it's bad," Marvin said, staring at Jim as he all but drooled over a scene unfolding in the back corner. "Sir. Sir!" He had to raise his hand and wave it in front of Jim's face to get his attention. "I think you should show them to the quiet room."

"Jim, this is Mike. I think he wants us to do some of these things." I glanced around the room and everywhere I looked I saw more and more naked people I hadn't noticed when we first walked in. My body was starting to remember what this felt like.

"My name is Malcolm, but you can call me whatever you like," the casual man said. I think his name was Mort. "If you'll follow Robert, here, he'll show you to a room you can use."

The little pink man motioned for us to follow him, and I dragged Jim behind me through the writhing bodies to see this room they were talking about. Surely, it wasn't the glassed in office we were heading toward. I hoped it was.

Randy opened the glass door to the glass room and waved us inside. "From here, you can see everyone and they can see you. But you have walls so you can feel as though you have some privacy. Enjoy yourselves, folks!" He shut the door and we watched as he walked back to the front where Monty was sitting and watching the goings on around him.

"We can have sex?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"And not get interrupted." Jim was already unbuttoning his pants and pulling his tee shirt over his head.

"We can have sex while other people watch us watching them having sex while we have sex?"

"Something like that." Jim was naked in front of me, and very happy to be that way.

I unbuttoned my jeans and slid them to the floor, suddenly aware that they were my old ugly mom-jeans. My panties weren't a cute and skimpy thong, but I was relieved to see that there was no blood stain from a past period on them as they followed my jeans. I didn't even have my shirt entirely off before Jim was grabbing my hips and rubbing himself on my ass. Oh yes, my body definitely remembered this.

He turned me around to kiss him and I pressed my breasts against his chest. I didn't remember taking my bra off, and I didn't care. The other people faded into the background as I slid down the front of Jim's body to sit on the couch and lay back, spreading my legs. Once, before we'd had kids, we had used every single piece of furniture in the house in one way or the other. The couch had been a particular favorite, but don't tell anyone that.

The windows directly across from the couch were open, but when Jim's tongue hit my hot flesh I didn't care if anyone outside saw what was going on. I leaned my head back against the sofa and hooked the heels of my feet on the edge of the bottom of the seat, opening my legs as wide as I could. Jim had obviously not forgotten everything because he soon had me moaning as he slid his tongue from my clit, along my inner lips, and then into my hole and back again. At the end of the circuit, he would suck my button until I pushed my hips against his mouth. Then he would start the circuit again.

I opened my eyes enough to see two men standing near the wall, watching and rubbing their erections. Not thinking about it, I reached up and massaged both of my breasts and arched my back off the couch. My fingers pulled and twisted my nipples as Jim's tongue plunged over and into me. Then I closed my eyes and it was just us again as I reached down and touched myself as Jim slid his tongue as deep into me as he could.

We continued like that for a few more minutes until Jim had had enough of the tease of just tasting me and he stood up. Pulling me roughly off the couch, he pushed me toward the wall where we could both watch the other people in the building. One couple were busily fucking against a couch, the man having pushed the woman down over the back and was slamming her from behind. Jim pointed to them before pushing my shoulders forward and pulling my hips back. The angle was deep as he shoved his meat into me as far as he could. I was tight from the foreplay, but he slid in with practiced ease. This is surprising when you consider I don't remember the last time we'd done it like this.

He grunted as he slid in and out of me, getting the feel for the position before he pulled my hips back farther and slammed into me so hard his balls smacked against my mound. The visits to the gym had paid off as he lifted my hips so far that my feet left the floor and my upper body pressed against the glass wall.

After several minutes of this, he slowed and let me stand on my own as he slid out of me. Now it was my turn to take control, and I turned and shoved him back toward the couch. When he tried to sit in the seat, I shook my head and pushed him to lean against the back. On my knees in front of him, I slapped his thighs until he spread his legs enough for me to kneel comfortably between them. His thick member stood out from his body and twitched ever so slightly when I ran a finger along the underside of it as I stuck my tongue out and licked the tip.

I remembered being able to get him to climax after only a few seconds of sucking, but I doubted that would happen now. I'd been too long out of practice, but I was beginning to remember other things. My hand cupped his balls as I took the first couple inches in my mouth and sucked hard while running my tongue over the head and tasting our combined juices. His hands tangled in my hair as I released the pressure and grazed my teeth over just the tip of him as I removed my mouth. He tried pushing me back down, but I squeezed his balls and he stopped.

With my other hand I began to stroke him, pulling from the base all the way to the head and then gliding my hand back again. His whole body shuddered when I took him in my mouth again, and I could feel his balls tightening. I bobbed my head up and down the length of him a couple times before releasing him entirely before he finished. It was much too soon for that nonsense.

Knowing it would be done in the next few minutes, I walked back around to the seat of the couch and leaned across the back, bracing my knees on the cushions and spreading my legs wide. I licked my fingers as I watched him walk around behind me and found my aching clit with the slick digits just as he pushed into me again. The angle was just as deep, and with my fingers rubbing over my sensitive nub just as his cock slid over my g-spot it didn't take long before I was screaming and bucking back against him. He grabbed my hips to hold me in place and I felt him jerk inside me as his hot load spilled over my hand and down my thighs. Still, he kept fucking me as I fingered myself into spasms around him. Finally, he pulled his still-hard rod out of me and let my hips fall to the sofa.

When I turned to a more comfortable position, he went to his knees again and spread my legs. He used his fingers, slick with both our fluids, and slid them up into my wetness. I sighed as his fingers moved independently inside me, making little shockwaves send shivers through my body. It hadn't been too long ago that he could get himself off just by watching his fingers get me off like this. He knew just how to wiggle his fingers in me to get me moaning even after I'd already come once. Soon, I was clenching around his fingers as I felt the beginnings of another orgasm building. I reached down to pinch and rub my clit while he watched and then slid his fingers out of me.

Looking down, I saw that he had moved to sit in front of me and began to jerk his meat as I continued to rub myself. I could see the beads of semen dripping down the head of his cock before his fingers spread them over his skin. He was still shiny and wet from my own orgasm, and it made me moan just to think about. As I watched, he began to buck his hips against his hand, really getting into the moment as he stared at my fingers now buried in my heat. I moved my fingers in time with his thrusts for a while before sliding them back out and to my clit. He shuddered when I pinched and twisted my button before rubbing it furiously, making my muscles clench and juices drip. I wasn't surprised when his load shot onto his stomach as I plunged my fingers back inside myself.

The orgasm was still building when he moved back between my legs and began to slurp up my honey. His face only left me enough room to get a fingertip in to work myself before I was holding on to the back of his head and coming into his mouth.

By this time, I noticed that we had attracted quite a crowd, and that Morton guy was busily fucking some woman's mouth as he watched me climax on my husband's tongue. Jim sat back and watched some of what was going on around us, but he was very much done for the time being. I don't think he remembered the guys names, either.


The next day, we didn't need to go out for a drive. I opened the windows in the kitchen and we reintroduced ourselves to the island and the dining table. With the time we had left, we threw open the blinds in the living room and watched the people walk by on the sidewalk as he took me from behind. I know some of them saw us, and the mailman stood and stared for a while before hurrying on his way with a smile on his face.

My mother-in-law proved to be the wife of Satan that I knew her to be and returned our offspring on the third day, just after we had finished redecorating the upstairs guest room. I know she knew we had just finished, and I think she planned to bring them back that early because she knew what we would be doing. We didn't care, though, because we had remembered so much while they had been away. Jim had been bugging his mom all week to take the kids again, saying that they couldn't stop talking about how much fun they'd had. On the contrary, they've been whining about what an absolute bitch my mother-in-law is. Not in those words, of course. They're not allowed to curse.

Our sex lives have really picked up since we had that weekend to remember what it was to be normal adults. We try to make a point to do something at least three times a week now, although someone always interrupts because we are NOT allowed to have our door locked for any reason because what if they have to potty? Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

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