tagHumor & SatireSpace Police Corps Ch. 01

Space Police Corps Ch. 01


Please do not look on this as anything, but the tongue-in-cheek story that it is. This story is based on a RPG (Role-Playing Game for the uninitiated) called 'Space Quest', by Paul Hume and George Nyhen and produced by Tyr Gamemakers Ltd. I believe I have the only copy that sold. This game system has the best solar system generator that I have ever seen.

My thanks to sweetmirahz for her editing. Voting is mandatory and comments are always appreciated, but please remember I was drunk when I wrote it a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

"Are you sure? One hundred percent - absolutely positive – no chance of error – sure that there is no one else?"

"Commissioner," admonished a man in a voice tired of belaboring the same fact over and over and over again. "He's the only one available."

"Oh, God, help us," moaned Commissioner Lika Grossgut, as he buried his face in his hands. "You're the Director of Personnel. Promote someone."

Director Tri Piplicate lowered his head and stared at the large, heavy man behind the desk. He then raised his tall, bean-pole frame up to its full height.

"I can't do that," he said. "My predecessor did it and that's how we got the Lieutenant."

Commissioner Grossgut winched at the sound of the rank bestowed upon the object of their conversation. He then sighed in resignation.

"Yea, you're right," he stated as he heaved his butt out of the leather chair. "Your predecessor got his just rewards, though, by going on that mission. God rest his soul."

"…and I'm not about to make the same mistake," added Director Piplicate. His face brightened. "It's unexplored space. You know the odds."

Commissioner Grossgut scowled. "I didn't rise through the ranks of the Consolidated Police Corps by not knowing the odds, but let me ask you, how many dangerous missions have we sent him on?"

"Eighteen," replied Director Piplicate sourly.

"And how many has he survived?"

"All of them."

"And how many were pure, unmitigated disasters?" shouted Commissioner Grossgut, his face turning red.

"Well," stammered Director Piplicate. "He did achieve his mission directives in each one."

"Yes, he did," hissed Grossgut. "At the cost of millions of credits in injury and damage claims AND THAT'S NOT COUNTING THE TWELVE SHIPS HE'S LOST!!!!"

Piplicate winched as the words blared in his ears. He then sighed in resignation.

"He's all we have," he stated again flatly.

"Oh, shit! We're fucked."

"Not necessarily," counter Piplicate. "As I said, it is unexplored territory. No treaties or commitments if things go wrong. If he destroys his ship out there, we may never hear from him again."

"Those words are going to come back to haunt you," said Grossgut, moving around from behind his desk. "We might as well get this over with." He headed towards the door.

"Oh, congratulations on the commendation award from the Merkoku," said Piplicate. "Considering how anal-retentive the cat people are, I was surprised that the neat freaks gave us one."

"I know," replied Grossgut. "I was shocked to get it. I gave it to my secretary, Miss Teaser, to get air-sealed and framed. I have an appointment wit the Merkoku ambassador next week. I want to show it to him in its pristine condition." Grossgut opened the door out of his office. "Ima, would you contact Lieutenant…"

Grossgut's words cut off abruptly at the scene inside his secretary's office. His very buxom secretary was sitting straddle-legged across the lap of an officer sitting on a bench. Her huge tits had him pinned to the back of the bench as her hands tried to undo his uniform.

"Please, Miss Teaser," pleaded the officer as he attempted to thwart her roaming hands. "I know you have been under a lot of stress, but you have to control yourself."

"C'mon, honey," cooed the blue-eyed blond as her hands reached down between his legs. "Let's see your fuck stick. I wanna suck every drop of cream out of it…feel it stuffed into my hot, wet cunt. C'mon, Gutsy will never know."

"What's going on here?" yelled Grossgut angrily.

The lieutenant snapped to attention. Unfortunately, Ima was still sitting on his lap when he jumped up. With a shriek, she went flying up in the air until her well-rounded ass crashed back down on top of her desk. Computer ships, datapads, and other odds and ends flew this way and that as she slid across the top. Her coffee cup flew up when she had hit the desk and everyone froze in horror as the hot brown liquid splashed everywhere.

The lieutenant was the first to react. He grabbed a large piece of parchment off a nearby table and began mopping up the spilt coffee. Teaser had slid backwards off the desk and was now wedged between it and the wall with her legs stuck up in the air. Her cries for help were completely muffled by her breasts pressing down on her face. Her arms thrashed about wildly as her skin color went from red to blue.

As the lieutenant continued to mop up the coffee, Grossgut and Piplicate rushed over to help Ima to keep her from suffocating. They could not get her up as wedged in as she was and the lieutenant then noticed their plight. With a quick yank, he pulled the desk backwards at the same time Grossgut and Piplicate yanked on her arms.

The bad thing was that Piplicate was braced against the desk for leverage. With his support gone, he tumbled backwards pulling Teaser and Grossgut with him. The lieutenant made a grab for Ima, but only succeeded in ripping her dress completely off her.

Piplicate crashed to the floor. Ima Teaser, now dressed only in her panties, fell on top of him with Grossgut on top of her. The lieutenant was stretched across the desk holding onto the ripped dress. It was just then that the outer doors opened.

"I assure you, Senator, that the Commissioner is the soul of Tact and discretion," said Consolidated Planets President Indy Cisive to another man. "I'm sure you can rely on him to help you with your problem without any public relations embarrassment."

The two men stopped dead in their tracks. What they saw was an office in complete disarray, an almost naked girl sandwiched between the Personnel Director and the Commissioner, and a lieutenant standing against the wall acting like a coat rack with a torn dress in his hand. The senator turned white as a ghost and bolted down the hallway. President Cisive leered at Ima, glared at the Commissioner and then sighed when he looked over and recognized the lieutenant.

"You have an hour to get him off the planet, Commissioner," he said as he walked out of the office.

Ima squirmed out from between the two men, snatched her dress out of the lieutenant's hand, and ran down the hall to the ladies room with her breasts bouncing.

"You…You…" stammered Grossgut, his face turning beet red as he stood and faced the lieutenant.

"Lieutenant Lance Atwat," intoned the lieutenant, snapping to attention and rending a crisp salute to the Commissioner. He handed the Commissioner the soggy parchment which Grossgut immediately recognized as his award from the Merkoku. "Reporting for duty!"

Lieutenant Atwat was the image of virtue and professionalism. His wavy blond hair and striking blue eyes with a hard, solid cleft in his chin made him extremely handsome by human standards. At 1.95 meters tall with rippling muscles, Atwat was the epitome of human physical perfection. The only thing Grossgut found at fault was the complete lack of any sign of intelligence in his eyes. The caption under his Academy picture read: All his brains are in his biceps. Atwat took that as a compliment.

"What the hell are you doing here?" yelled Grossgut at Atwat.

"I, as a proud member of the respected and beloved Consolidated Police Corps (Piplicate began to choke at this point) have sworn an oath to protect the innocent and bring wrongdoers to justice. I am here to preserve our way of life, treat all beings with equal respect and dignity, and to maintain order. My oath requires me to be physically fit, morally…"

"Yes, yes, yes," interrupted Grossgut. Tri Piplicate was trying not to laugh out loud. "I know what your oath is. I meant what are you doing in my office?"

Lance looked confused. "But, sir, if you know the oath, then you know why I am here."

Grossgut looked ready to either bang his head against the wall or murder Atwat. Piplicate regain enough composure to set in.

"You're here for an assignment?" he asked Atwat.

"Yes, sir! What dastardly deed needs to be undone? What wrongs need to be righted? I am here to serve!"

"Are you sure we can't just drop him into a supernova or a black hole or something?" Grossgut whispered to Piplicate under his breath.

"Yes, I'm sure. He's been banned from so many planets within our territory that it takes my entire staff two days to notify everyone of the Lieutenant's current position," whispered Piplicate. "Now, with the President's order, unexplored space is the only place we have left to send him."

"Ship? Crew?" asked Grossgut.

"I found a six person, mothballed research vessel. It can accommodate up to twelve people in a pinch and is only one hundred and fifty years old. I had it upgraded in case we ever needed it. The only thing that has not been done was wiping the ship's computer clean and reprogramming it. It's not necessary, though. We can just dump our current information into the old computer and let it go at that."

"…and the crew?"

"We have three capital ships in port right now. I requested each of the captains to supply me with names to fill out the crew. We needed a first officer, a science officer, an engineer, and a medical officer. I asked fro their best. You know who we got."

Grossgut snorted, "Yup, did you find anyone that you could use?"

"Not the worst…no disciplinary problems, but I did manage a crew."

"Just ones that did not fit in with the captain and the way he wanted his ship to run," commented Grossgut. He turned back to face Lance. "Lieutenant, an escape pod entered our system three days ago. It came from a ship lost eighty years ago. We traced back its trajectory and discovered it originated from an unexplored section of space. Your mission is to retrace the trajectory and find out what happened to that ship. Additionally, we want you to explore this sector. It is an important and long term project. Do you accept?"

"Of course, sir! It's an honor and privilege," boomed lance, his face beaming with joy and anticipation. "When do I leave?"

"Immediately," replied Grossgut. "You will take command of the CSP…uh…er"

"Dildo," whispered Piplicate.

"Dildo?" exclaimed Grossgut in surprise.

Piplicate shrugged in embarrassment. "The original registry was lost when it was mothballed. It was shaped like one so the crew at the Yard gave it that name."

"Any problems with that, Lieutenant?" growled Grossgut.

"A grand name for a ship I will make respected through the galaxy," replied Lance.

"Uh, Lieutenant, you do know what a dildo is, don't you?" asked Piplicate.

Lance looked a little confused at the question. "Not really. What is it?"

"A tool that…uh…penetrates…cough…to…er…uh…bring relief to a lot of…people," stammered Grossgut in explanation.

"Excellent," exclaimed Lance. "I shall go forth with the Dildo to bring relief to the beings of the unexplored sector."

Grossgut barely managed to keep a straight face as Piplicate had to lean against Teaser's desk in a coughing fit.

"Fine, son, fine," assured Grossgut. "Let's get you aboard and on your way."

Commissioner Grossgut and Director Piplicate escorted Lance to his ship, not trusting him to find it on his own without mishap. As they entered the landing pad, Grossgut was surprised by two things. The first was a platoon of Space Marines in full battle gear surrounding the ship and the second was the ship itself.

The ship was gleaming white and slightly oval. It had a strange forward section, which was slightly larger around than the shaft of the body of the ship and the section tapered down to a rounded point. The engines in the rear were housed in two large round casings. After looking at it, Grossgut could not describe the shape as anything, but a dildo.

"Why all the security?" whispered Grossgut to Piplicate.

"To make sure the crew remains in place and to make sure we survive," replied Piplicate. "The two cruisers and the carrier in orbit will ensure the Dildo leaves the system safely."

"Took a lot upon yourself, didn't you?" asked Grossgut sarcastically.

"Probably, but I'm not going out like my predecessor."

"Sir, thank you for accompanying me on the start of my mission," said Lance before Grossgut could reply to Piplicate. "It is an honor and a privilege. Have no fear for I will accomplish my mission and further the goals of the Consolidated Space Police."

Without another word, Lance turned and entered his ship. Grossgut and Piplicate just stood and stared at one another before it hit them. Yelling at the Marines, everyone ran for cover. As it was, they barely exited the landing pad before the Dildo blasted off. One small tongue of exhaust flame caught Grossgut across his ass, burning his pants right off in a flash, and producing a painful first degree burn.

"Ow! Easy!" yelped Grossgut to the Marine medic who was pulling bits of charred cloth from his ass. He looked at Piplicate. "Are you sure he's gone?"

"Captain Doright just reported has made the jump to N-space towards the Tauk system. The cluster of stars beyond Tauk is where the escape pod came from. It should take years, even if he can get help from the ship's computer."

"Why? What's wrong with the ship's computer?"

"It seems that a maintenance crew left it on for about fifty years or so all by itself. It, uh, went schizoid and developed multiple personalities. That was why I wanted to wipe it clean and reprogram it."

Grossgut snorted, then chuckled, and finally broke out laughing along with Piplicate. Together, with Grossgut wincing, they turned and headed back to the office.

"Successful jump made, sir," said the female ensign sitting at the flight controls to Lance.

"Please have the crew assemble in the galley," requested Lance. "Computer, maintain this heading and notify us if the sensors pick up anything."

"Of course, dear heart," came the metallic female voice over the speaker system. It had a distinct British accent. "Would you care for a spot o' tea and some crumpets? 'ow about some nice scones?"

"Uh, no thank you," said Lance who turned too quick and banged his knee against his chair.

"Careful, dear," said the computer. "You seem to be off your mark. I know! A nice tablespoon of castor oil will fix you right up."

"I, uh, have to meet the crew first," stammered Lance.

"Well, run along and play then, dear," said the computer. "I'll have it ready for you tonight."

Lance hurried down the passageway past the six crew quarters, which could sleep double if needed. The galley was next with the science lab and medical bay beyond that. The two cargo bays were next and finally the engineering bay, which was hooked up to the twin engines that gave the Dildo its thrust.

Lance walked into the galley. The other four members of the crew rose to their feet and everyone stared at each other apprehensively.

"Please, sit down," said Lance. "I am Lieutenant Atwat. I am sorry that you were notified on such short notice, but I only just received the mission from the Commissioner prior to our departure. An escape pod from a lost ship entered Consolidated space several days ago. It originated from beyond the Tauk system. Our mission is to find the ship, any survivors and to explore that sector of space. I think we should begin by introducing ourselves."

The female who had been at the flight controls stood up. She was 1.7 meters tall with long blond hair braided down her back and deep blue eyes. Her large breasts and well-rounded ass had stretched her uniform tight and it seemed ready to burst apart at the seams at any second.

"I'm Ensign Needa Screw," she said. "I was shanghaied to be first officer and pilot to this derelict. I was training to be a fighter pilot on the carrier, Avenger, but a couple of big things kept getting in my way." She looked down meaningfully at her overly-large tits. "There were several near-misses and a couple of minor collisions outside the windows of my quarters on the Avenger. They all seemed to occur when I was getting ready for bed. I think my captain decided to remove two big distractions from his ship."

"Well, I sure as hell didn't volunteer either," said the young man sitting next to Needa. His round face and wavy black hair gave him a very youthful appearance. "I'm Ensign DeKunt, Berry N., science officer on this scow." Berry shook his head and muttered, "Just because one of my experiments blew out a piece of the hull of the Triumphant and destroyed a dozen other experiments…"

"Like, wow, man. It's the cosmic alignment of the planets that guides all our destinies," said the second woman at the table in an airy, spaced-out voice. "Our auras are all intertwined and interdependent."

"And you are…?" prompted Lance.

"Wow, do any of us really know who we are?" countered the girl.

Lance looked at the woman. She had long, frizzy red hair that hung all the way down past her waist. A silver hoop circled her forehead holding her hair back away from her face. Her uniform was a mish-mash of varying styles, which resulted in a riot of color.

"What name are you called?" asked Lance.

"My parents named me Aye Wanna Hump. In the grand scheme, I answer the call of being your engineer."

"Engineer?" repeated Lance, a little startled. He turned to the last person at the table. "Then that would make you…"

"Aye, sir, I would be your medical officer," replied the being, standing up to its 2.2 meter height. "I am Ensign Yu Cummin."

Lance had seen members of the Garou race before. The term 'werewolf', which was never used in their presence, was the perfect description for them. They were tall, furry and muscular, with a canine-shaped head and triangular ears. Their protruding canine teeth along with their brilliant yellow eyes gave them a terrifying appearance (at least to humans). The Garou had a very well-earned reputation for being short tempered and fierce fighters. Ensign Cummin was growling softly when he spoke and his voice came out of the translator collar around his neck with an affected lisp.

"Medical officer?" asked Lance, stunned.

"Ays, sir…medical officer."

"Medical officer?" repeated Lance again, unable to believe that this ferocious-looking being with long claws was a doctor.

"Sir!" grunted Yu, slightly agitated. "I know that the translator makes my voice sexy…" Yu shook his head. "No, wrong word again…It makes my voice strange. That is no reason to mock me."

"No…no…no…no," stated Lance quickly. "I would never mock a fellow member of the Space Police Corps. I just never heard of a Garou becoming a medical officer."

"When I was early, uh, young, my parents brought me to Earth. We visited a Buddhist shrine. The words they spoke crammed me with peace and a reverence for all life. Over my parents' objections, I became a doctor. I was assigned to the Cruiser Britannia. What I could not understand was why the injured crew who came to my massage…care…would cry or fight to get away."

"Probably thought you were looking for their hearts," snickered Berry.

"I am well versed in human anatomy," replied Yu haughtily. "I know exactly where the heart is."

"Great!" exclaimed Lance. "I am sure you will be a large…uh…fine asset to the Dildo."

"The what?" asked Needa, not sure if she heard Lance correctly.

"The Dildo," repeated Lance. "It's the name of our good ship that truly reflects our goals."

"Yea, like we're screwed," whispered DeKunt to Hump.

"Uh, sir," said Needa, taking in a deep breath for courage, which threatened to explode the front of her uniform blouse. "This ship is one hundred and fifty years old. I have asked each member to check over their respective section prior to your arrival. Maybe we should listen to their reports."

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