Another warm early autumn Saturday afternoon had come around. Today was occasion. The family, including aunts and uncles and cousins were on hand out in the back yard helping my sister Kassey celebrate her seventh birthday.
The guests mingled in separate groups. About fifty feet or so back from the house Kassey had set up her new doll house and dolls on the picnic table and invited my girl cousins Amy and Jackie. The adults gathered around the round black plastic patio table to talk about adult stuff.
The party had been half hour old when mom brought out the cake, a round chocolate one with whipped cream top to the patio. My sister had chosen it at the bakery.
"Kassey let's come have your cake sweet heart."
The girls walked quickly to the main patio adjacent to the house. While they sat around the table Kassey sat leaning over her cake. She blew on the candles.
The only boy in the family, I had just turned 6 a month earlier. A part of me wished down deep , as I sat by the picnic table with my sister, Amy, and Jackie that I could be more like them. I wanted to grow my hair and wear a pretty dress. I saw myself some day as an adult woman with makeup, earrings and pumps. One month earlier at my own back yard party I wished please God make me a girl.
ten years later...
I had been standing by my locker in the main corridor of Blacksburg, Va high school exchanging one book for another. In a few moments I would be going home on on the school bus.
I could not wait to be home where I could have piece of mind. I was having another of those moments that I kept to myself; a moment thinking that I hate my boy clothes and my body.
Even as I rode I often would often endure heckling. Having very girlish looking face and being physically small led to my problems with my peers. Some would say I was skinny. Girls are not muscular I thought so why should I be.
The worst heckler I knew was a boy named Todd. The freckle face blond would boast about getting E's and F's on a report card. He seemed proud of accomplishing nothing in school. I hated him and endured him.
That following morning, a Saturday, I went into Kassey's bedroom hoping that she would understand what I needed to do. At the moment she and friends were together at the home of one of them.
From her underwear draw I took a pair of her panties and a bra and put them on. Taking soft foam cut in the approximate shape of breasts I placed the padding inside the bra cups. Admiring the Covington 3/4 sleeve with stretch blouse I put it on. It's loose fit I felt would hide my lack of curvature. I put on a pair of embroidered jeans. My dark brown hair was well over my ears by that point and my ears were already pierced.
Now I was ready to go outside. My facial features, the ability to walk with shoulders back like a girl does, and the outfit would fool everybody. But even more important I could be, at least for a few hours, the person I was inside my soul. I had even posted a recent picture on "My Space" that showed only my face and had called it Stephanie.
My best friend at the time was a girl my age named Janice. A pretty girl with light brown hair, she actually considered herself lesbian. Considering my self straight female led to a platonic relationship with her. I had already developed the feminine trait of making no secret that I liked a a girl's outfit.
Picking up my cellular, I dialed her number. The plan was to go shopping.
"Hello," the girl's voice replied.
"Hi Janice," I said, " I was wondering if you wanted to go out some place."
"Ok," she said. "Can Matte go too?"
Matte Kershaw, I would shortly learn, was the new love in Janice's life. They had met at a local gay and lesbian youth support group.
In about a half hour hour Janice, Matte, and I had come to the parking lot of the shopping mall and were headed toward her favorite stores. Those would soon become my favorite stores. I had seen the clothing selection online and simply fell in love with it.
"I like those shoes," I said noticing Matte's footwear.
"Thank you," she replied, "My mom got them for me."
The present... Another six years had gone by.
The rest of my life had begun. Having been cleared finally for hormone therapy I filled the syringe with the prescribed dose of Estrogen substitute and injected it into my buttocks. Next, I filled a syringe with spirocortaline, a testosterone blocker and injected. I returned these to their place in the medicine cabinet behind the mirror.
As I looked forward to Thanksgiving I had something for which I was very thankful; my mother's acceptance of me as a transsexual. Ok so it took a suicide attempt and a lot of screaming about how I hate my life and I hate my body.
My mom's favorite section of newspaper was the flyer for her favorite clothing store. That part of a paper would generally remain for a week until the following Sunday when it was replaced by same.
"Stephanie check the paper," she said as I walked out of the bathroom.
Pouring myself a coffee from the pot plugged in at the sink counter I knew the only paper to which she referred. It was open on the kitchen counter.
I sat with my coffee and looked at each page as I sipped.
The cost of hormones was leaving me critically short of funds all the time. Generally I barely had enough funds to put gasoline in my car. I was willing to give up even the car just so that I could have spending cash.
"Mom I wish I could afford this," I said looking at very nice pair of dark slacks and a blouse.
My mother said nothing. We both knew that for the time being I had plenty of outfits.
"Stephanie that would look very nice on you."
"Yes it would," I replied.
I knew that It would be a few years before my body, still very masculine in shape, would actully be developed. In the mean time mom and I both agreed that I should at all times dress nicely. I needed more clothing for the office.
I also had a new love interest. That was something for which I could be thankful.
The previous Sunday was cousin Amy's wedding. As I sat in the big function hall I could see him across the room. I didn't think anything of it except that he was handsome. At the same time I left it to the guy to pursue me if he was interested.
From several feet and two tables away at my right I could see him looking at me. He's handsome I thought. Maybe he'll ask me to dance. At first I noticed his suit, a gray herringbone. Then I noticed his hairdo, a military style buzz cut.
"Who's that guy over there?"
"He's a cousin on the groom's side," my sister answered.
"Which one of us is he looking at?"
"You," she said, " I have a boyfriend."
For the first time in my life I felt nervous. Most girls aren't walking around in a boy's body I thought, but I would try to take a positive attitude. Maybe he doesn't mind I thought Yes that's it I'll take a positive attitude.
We had finished the wedding meal when he finally walked up to me.
"Would you like to dance?"
"Yes," I replied with a broad smile.
He led me out to the middle of the floor. The slow tune allowed us the opportunity to chat.
"What's your name?"
"Stephanie," I said, " i'm 22, I work in a Wallgreens."
"I'm Ed," he answered, "I work for a construction co."
"Really roads or buildings?"
"Buildings," he said.
We danced a little longer while considering what to say to each other.
"I just got out of the marines last month."
"I admire those who serve our country."
We continued our dance through another tune. He kept looking into my eyes and I into his baby blues.
"You're very attractive."
Like most folks in this part of the country Ed was a big fan of Country & Western music. He talked while we danced about the artists and songs that he liked.
By the end of the wedding I would learn just how interested he actually was. I had gone outside the building and had just lit a cigarette when he came by.
"Hi again," he said.
"Hi, " I said, " I just needed some air and this." I was at that instant bringing the cigarette down from my lips.
He lit one.
"When I got to boot camp that's the first thing they take away."
"really?" I replied.
"I got out of boot I couldn't wait to go down to the PX and buy a pack."
"I started when I was eighteen."
"LIsten I was wondering if I could take you out."
"It's a date."
"Tomorrow night then," he confirmed.
Sixteen years earlier had been the first time in my life that I knew there was a girl inside me crying to be released. By high school age she was crying louder to be let out of her prison. Now I had come almost full circle and was being treated like a lady.
Still I was very nervous though I tried to hide that fact. I hoped to God that my male body would not be a turn off should we desire to be sexual. I did not consider myself gay but transsexual. That 's very different.
I could always talk to my sister Kassey. In the last moments before our date she proved sympathetic and a good listener.
"Kass he's picking me up at 6," I said while brushing my hair in front of my bedroom mirror.
"Don't be nervous. You pass very well. You'll be fine."
"I worry he might want sex and he's not gay or bi."
"Don't do it with him."
"I guess you're right."
A fantasy played inside my head. Ed's naked girlfriend (me of course) climbed onto his lap taking his throbbing manhood deep inside her vagina. Seconds later, in the throws of multiple orgasms, she was screaming.
"Stephanie don't push things along too fast." my mother cautioned. By that she meant sex moves things along quickly, perhaps too quickly.
The blue Honda turned into the driveway while I was looking through the living room window. I watched him all the way to the door.
We chatted briefly in the living room way before leaving. My mother took an interest in my friends.
Our first date was at the Jerico Drive -In. I slouched in the passenger side. He took my hand in his on my leg. Excited at the prospect of falling in love I was becoming aroused sexually, a fact hidden by wearing an athletic supporter. Up on the huge screen some 100 feet in front of the bumper the movie played. I watched attentively saying little. He also said little.
The conversation picked up as the car slowly moved in the long line of cars toward the exit from the parking lot
"I had a gay friend in high school." In truth I was referring to Janice.
"How did you meet him?"
"He went to Blacksburg high."
"Really," he replied, "he stood out in a crowd I'll bet."
"He did. He was also cute though. I mean I would have done it with him if i was a gay boy."
"but you're not so it's a mute point," he reminded me.
One of my favorite spots was a car park along the skyline drive which over looked the Shenandoah Valley. From the Blue Ridge Mountains I could see my home town. Ed brought me there to spend an afternoon. A soft breeze blew as we stood in front of the hood of the car staring down at what appeared as just a model of the towns.
Here for the first time we indulged in a lingering kiss. It began with just lips but then our mouths opened. His hands caressed my back and the front of my thighs. He kissed my neck again and again working his way down the length of it. The supporter continued to conceal the erection in my panties.
Things could change quickly as I would soon learn. Later that evening in the privacy of my bedroom I gave up all my inhibitions. While we kissed he began to undress me. Then it all went wrong.
"Oh my fucking god! You're a guy!"
I could not argue because he was seeing me naked. I could understand his frame of mind
He got up quickly, dressed and stormed out of my bedroom leaving me sobbing into my pillow.
He just destroyed my life I thought as the tears streamed down my cheeks.
A few moments later I felt a soft hand on my back. I turned. A few moments later I stopped crying.
"Stephanie get dressed," said my mother.
Quickly I pulled on my panties and jeans. I put on the pullover shirt without a bra. Hell I don't really have boobs anyway I thought. My makeup ruined by my tears, I walked into the kitchen.
"He doesn't want me because of my body."
My mother said nothing.
"I wish he was bi."
"Stephanie I tried to tell you but you never listen. You went off with your head in the clouds."
"You're right mom,"
"You still have to remember that boys will not see you as a girl once the clothes come off."
I never saw Ed again nor any other man. Having no one led to fantasizing and many almost sleepless nights. One after another imaginary male lovers took me.
Daytime life saw me continue striving to correct the awful mistake. My endocrinologist checked my hormone levels every two months and continued to prescribe hormones.
By age 23 I had developed nicely. For the first time my physique was more feminine than masculine. I noticed it one morning while taking my shower that my breasts had developed along the lines of moms. A broad smile came to my face as I tossed the foam padding into my waste basket.
Filling the syringe with the prescribed dose of Estradiol I injected it into my buttocks as I had done hundreds of times before.