- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Sunburn
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Sun burns down
on tanned flesh
rubbing lotion
with caress
Basking in
the radiant light
sunglasses shield
from the bright.
Tender touch
of reddish skin.
Trailing beads
run down of sweat
getting hotter
even yet.
Trial and error
we soon learn
the miserable feel
of a sunburn.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousalmost 19 years agoa fine basis for the poetry you have waiting. Thanks for sharing. ~ Carrie
jthserraalmost 20 years agobut to find it you need to trim a bit and work out the awkward phrasing. Consider:
"Sun burns down
on tanned flesh
rubbing lotion
with caress
Basking in
the radiant light
sunglasses shield
from the bright."
Sun burns
tanned flesh
rubbing lotion
each caress
basking in
radiant light
sunglasses
shield the bright.
or something like that.
"Trailing beads
run down of sweat
getting hotter
even yet."
run down of sweat -- is awkward, perhaps drop "run down" and leave the line "of sweat" or if you need the syllables go to "of steaming sweat".
Read the poem outloud and listen to what sounds better, more natural to you. I think you have a good poem here, you just need a little more work to find it.
jim : )
