The Author Pt. 03bySavannahMann©
part 3: Searching the Soul.
This is a work of fiction, none of the characters are intended to bear any resemblance to anyone living or dead. Any similarity is purely unintentional.
As Jennifer drove home on autopilot, she wrestled with what had happened. Jennifer had found her answer, the secret of the basement, yet she had more questions. What exactly did he have in mind for her? Did he really expect her to become submissive, and allow herself to be tied up and used again?
She got home just before three, and walked upstairs with his books stuffed into her oversized purse. Jennifer had become frugal in her expenses, in an effort to save money. So far in her adult life, nothing had worked out the way she hoped yet. Now this was taking an unexpected turn, and would probably make her even more jaded.
Jennifer considered, and decided to try and read one of the books, the last one, A Family Tradition of Bondage. Jennifer found herself hooked by the story before she had turned the fifth page. It was well written, and she could identify with the main characters. Bill had written this, Jennifer could see the similarities in style and language. He disguised it by placing the story in St. Louis, and using many local landmarks in the story, yet it was there, that subtle thing that identified an author.
Jennifer found that she had finished the book at four am, and felt suddenly hungry. She made eggs and hash browned potato's, and some toast. She ate the off schedule breakfast, and showered. She was bone tired, and fell into bed, asleep in minutes.
Jennifer woke at noon, feeling refreshed and troubled. The book had been an extremely erotic romance. Love and bondage were intertwined through the story. Worse, she had dreamed that Bill was doing those things to her, tormenting her, teasing her, and giving her those incredible orgasms. She could clearly remember one vision from her dream, where she was bound by him, and he was whipping her with nipple clamps bouncing at every strike of the whip. Jennifer felt her nipples contract as she remembered the image, and her sex started to warm up.
"No, I am not like that. I don't do bondage anymore." Jennifer declared aloud in the empty apartment.
She thought about the book instead. Thinking about the technical aspects, the parts that made it clear to her that Bill had written it. The main characters were likable enough, and the ending was kind of heart wrenching. The sex scenes though, they were incredible. Jennifer remembered the orgasms she had experienced while tied up, but the ones described, they blew away anything she had experienced before. It couldn't be true, there was no way that bondage sex was so intense that the orgasms were so powerful, so mind shattering.
Jennifer resolved to never admit that she had gotten hot from the books descriptions of the sex scene. The way that arousal had been identified and described had made her afraid that Bill must have seen how warm she was in the basement. That was a fluke, a reaction well outside the norm.
Jennifer looked at the autobiographical book Bill had gotten for her. Jennifer read the first chapter and set it down as though it might be possessed. It was way too extreme for her, it was way to extreme for anyone. There is no way any woman, anywhere, could happily refer to herself as a cum toilet. Jennifer searched the web and couldn't find where someone denounced it as a lie. She did find a site on the web that was operated by the people who purportedly lived what was in the book. There were pictures and a web cast, Jennifer almost downloaded one of the audio files and then decided she didn't need to. It might be true, sort of, but no way could all of it be true.
"I have got to get out of here for a while." Jennifer said to the empty and now suddenly claustrophobic apartment.
Dressing quickly, Jennifer grabbed a few things and shoved them into a bag, a vacation Bill had said, fine, she was going on vacation.
She left the books behind, not wanting them with her, afraid of the effect they were having on her. She tossed her bag into the backseat of her Nissan. She left Statesboro and headed west on I-16, headed for Macon and her best friend Beth.
Beth had been a friend in High School, and had been wonderful after Jeremy had betrayed her. Beth had gotten married and was raising two kids and a dog in a small house in a neighborhood full of nearly identical houses in Macon. Beth was a stable, centered, and reasonable person. If anyone could help clear this shit from her mind, Beth could.
She called Beth to make sure a visit would be welcome as she drove west on I-16.
The question of what happens if Beth doesn't tell you it's crazy to even consider this didn't enter Jennifer's mind as she drove west.
Jennifer visited with the family, and played with the kids for a while, just enjoying getting away from everything for now. After dinner Larry and the kids were watching a TV program while Beth and Jennifer walked to the neighborhood park filling Beth in on the latest Jennifer life crisis.
After filling Beth in on the details, Jennifer asked the question. "So what do I do Beth? How can he possibly expect me to do something like this?"
"You can't jump into something for the rest of your life, ask him if he'll do it for a week or two, better yet, give it a month." Beth said.
"A Month? Wait a minute, why would I want to do anything like this for a month?" Jennifer asked.
Beth stopped and looked at her astounded. "Jennifer, you don't get it do you?"
"Get what? That he wants me to be his little fuck slave?" Jennifer asked with some anger in her voice.
Beth looked at her with a confused expression on her face. "Jen, two weeks ago on the phone with me you said you would do anything to have him. Now you know, you know what anything is, and the question is are you willing to do anything? Especially something you like.
Jennifer said, "I don't like it." She said it too fast, and both women knew it.
"Jen, the only way you can have him is on his terms. Also I remember something you told me about the night with Jeremy. You said he ruined something you really enjoyed, and when I asked what, you said you loved being tied up and helpless. You said it was incredible that you could feel that good being helpless."
"He ruined it for me, I can't do it again." Jennifer said quietly.
Beth started walking slowly again and said "Jen, that's up to you. It's time to start living again. For six years I've watched you go through the motions, but you haven't been alive inside. You locked yourself away after that night, you date, until they get close, and then you run from them. You ran from Valdosta to Savannah, ran from college, and now your want to run from Bill because he demands you give him everything."
Jennifer said "Wait a minute, your telling me to do it?"
Beth said "Jennifer, do you really love him?"
"Yes, I do Beth, you know I do."
"Jen, he told you he loved you, and he wants your entire heart, not just whatever you feel safe giving him. So do you believe he loves you?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Can you walk away, because you know if you say no, you can't stay and just work for him. That's why he gave you the recommendation letters. He knows it too, if you say no, you can't go back. Can you walk away Jen?" Beth asked her.
"I don't know, Beth I just don't know." Jen answered after walking a few paces in thought. "I thought you would tell me to be safe and not to do this. I didn't expect you to tell me to jump into deep end of the pool of insanity."
"I can tell you that Jen, I thought you wanted my honest opinion for a friend I dearly love, but I can tell you don't do it under any circumstances, stay in your shell and stay safe." Beth answered her.
"No, I really do value your opinion Beth, it's why I came here. You know that."
"I know, I just wondered if you knew." Beth said with obvious affection.
"So its do this or I have to quit my job, and leave him. Beth, I love him. My heart aches when he goes on book tours or off on one of his weekends." Jennifer said. "I have trouble breathing when he stands next to me." Jennifer felt despair welling inside her. The thought of leaving him, of never seeing him again was causing her unbearable pain.
"Jen, I've been waiting for you since Jeremy raped you, and make no mistake, it was a rape. When you said no, and he didn't stop, that makes it a rape. Before that, you would smile automatically, you would have a gleam in your eye that made me envy you. You used to live life, now you just exist. Maybe this is what is missing, your willingness to trust another man, to be with a man."
"I've been with guys since Jeremy." Jennifer said defensively.
"Yeah, you have, and then dumped them before they could get close to your heart Jen."
"It's not that easy Beth. Letting yourself go, being bound is something completely different. Your helpless, and I used to think that was kinky and fun, but now it's scary."
"Jen, how many fantasies have you had about Bill?"
Jen stopped and looked at Beth. "Shit, that dream I e-mailed you about. I forgot about that."
"That's right, which is why I can't understand your reluctance. You did dream all of this didn't you?" Beth asked.
"Well, not all this, but yeah, I had one dream where I was bound by him." Jennifer said trying to minimize it. She had intentionally left out the effects the books had on her, and her intensely erotic dreams that had resulted in a frustrated feeling of arousal.
Beth could see her friend wasn't convinced, but was at a loss what to say now, there was one thing she could say, but that wasn't something she was ready to talk about, and Jennifer obviously wasn't ready to hear.
Jennifer walked home with Beth and spent the night there with her friend. In the morning, she said her goodbye's and headed home.
As Jennifer turned at the end of the street, Beth dialed a phone number that reached a house in Valdosta, the house Jennifer had grown up in. Carol answered, as Beth had expected.
Arriving in Statesboro, she decided to see if Bill was home. If he was, perhaps they could talk about this. Perhaps there was an alternative after all. Beth didn't have to be right, perhaps Bill had relented on his requirements of this submission nonsense.
Bill was in his driveway, polishing his Harley. Bill liked to ride on the weekends, or during the week when the weather was nice, and he couldn't clear his mind enough to write. Jen realized he had been out riding, which meant his weekend away had been canceled.
"Hi Bill, how are you doing?" Jen asked as she got out of her car.
"Not too bad Jen, and how are you doing today?"
"OK, I guess you didn't go out of town this weekend?"
"No, I decided it wasn't worth it, I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy myself wondering what you were thinking, and wondering what would happen." Bill set the cloth down he was using to polish the chrome on the bike and looked at Jennifer. "I was too nervous wondering if the woman I love was going to come here willing to love me. Willing to give me everything, with no reservations."
Jen felt her heart tighten, and she forced a swallow down her suddenly constricted throat. "Yeah, I came here, hoping to see you, hoping to talk to you. How determined are you to do this?"
Bill nodded slightly and said "If you want to go on a couple dates, we can, but I'm sure it would destroy any relationship chances we had. I'm afraid we would both feel unsatisfied with the result."
"Ok, Beth, my friend, had a suggestion, one which I think is worth discussing. Would you consider trying this for 30 days, and if we like it, move on, and if not, back off?" Jennifer said.
Bill seemed to consider this for a moment and then nodding slightly "So you want to try the Dom/Sub thing for a month, OK, I can see that, and I'll agree."
Jennifer was a little surprised. "You will? Beth said you would, but I didn't think so. Can I ask why?"
"Jennifer, right now you are looking at this as a chore, and if I can't change your mind about it, that's all it will be. Even if you said yes unconditionally. If it remained a chore, you would back away from it in far less than a month."
Jen nodded and said "I was wondering, where do you go when you take off for the weekend?"
Bill rose and said "Let me put the bike away, and we can talk about that."
Jen followed him carrying the cleaning stuff, and they put the things in the garage.
Walking into the house Bill surprised her by not going to the office, instead heading for the living room. Bill invited her to sit and Jennifer did so on the couch. Bill then left the room and was gone for five minutes, and then returning placed a disk in the DVD player, and took an arm chair for himself.
"There is a farm, about halfway between Macon and Atlanta, sort of a Ranch really. It is a getaway for people who are involved in the Bondage or BDSM lifestyle. People who can afford the membership, go there to live the fantasy for a couple days." Bill told her.
"What is there? What kind of things go on there?" Jennifer asked.
"There is play time, whips, chains, and public scenes. Guests have a room, like a hotel room for private time. There are bungalow's for small groups, and then there are the races. The annual race between the Circle B, which is name of the farm I told you about, and the Bar D, which is a similar operation in New York, is on Memorial Day."
"Races? Motorcycles?" Jennifer asked confused.
"Pony Girls, and Boys." Bill said.
Jennifer was confused. "Pony Girls and Boys, what is a pony girl or boy?"
Bill turned on the TV and then started the DVD player. "This is a Pony race from last year."
Jennifer watched as women dressed in a sort of leather harness and bits were pulling what appeared to be some sort of two wheeled rickshaw type of cart. They walked past the camera, and Jennifer assumed the crowd, with horse tails dangling between their legs. They wore head harness's and some wore blinders like horses.
The first race started and the girls raced around the short track once, with a jockey in the cart being pulled. Jennifer sat in shock watching it with her mouth open in disbelief. She closed her mouth and settled back on the couch. The first race ended and the winner was being petted like a horse as she was introduced to the crowd that was apparently behind the camera. There were cheers for all the girls as they were introduced to the crowd and paraded by again.
"Oh my God, that, that can't be happening." Jennifer said.
"It does, this weekend I was going to watch a training race, to see which competitors will get to race on the big day. This year, it's in New York, next year the race will be here in Georgia." Bill said.
"What do you pay the girls to be humiliated like that?" Jennifer asked.
"Nothing, they aren't humiliated, they are proud to be what they are." Bill said.
Jennifer blinked and watched the second race, more girls, same type of outlandish outfits.
One athletic black woman was featured as the winner, and Jennifer gaped at the harness she was wearing. Her breasts were bared, outlined in hard black leather. The bit was between her teeth, and she stood very tall in knee high boots with a small square heel. She appeared to be very comfortable and looked between the camera and the man petting her. When she looked at the man petting her, Jennifer would have trouble naming the emotion on the woman's face. If anything, it appeared as though the woman loved the man who was petting her.
"That is Slave Monica, and she's the favorite to win the women's race this year." Bill said. "This is her third year racing, last year she lost by a nose. Mistress Elizabeth has switched her to a different tail style, and Monica helped redesign her racing cart which is called a Bike, and thinks that will help her run faster. Her times this year have improved." Bill shrugged "It's hard to tell sometimes."
"Different tail?" Jennifer asked.
"The tails are attached to anal plugs, and there is a minimum required size to compete." Bill said.
Jennifer looked at him and then back at the screen.
The pony boys were next. They wore similar outlandish costumes, but had some sort of ring thing around their cocks.
"The men are usually put into a chastity device, to minimize the amount of erection they can get. They also get the tails though. It's hard to run with a full erection bouncing along with you."
Jennifer watched the men race and shook her head. "You couldn't pay me enough to do that."
Bill shrugged and said "Everybody has to find their own path. There are no rules except those we make for ourselves. They choose to do this, and are free to stop anytime. We cheer them out of pride of their actions. We don't feel that they are doing anything wrong. We enjoy their need to perform, to serve."
"No rules?" Jennifer asked with fear in her voice. "Is that how you convince those people to humiliate themselves, by telling them there are no rules?"
"Jennifer, the second part is just as important, except those we make for ourselves. If we make a rule, it won't be violated. If you don't want to do that, you don't do it. No one in that video was forced, there wasn't any close up's of anyone who didn't agree to it both beforehand, and again after the video was finished and ready to be produced. Each person in that video had to approve of each scene." Bill said with some annoyance.
"I didn't mean anything by what I said." Jennifer said with concern.
"Jennifer, you asked what I do on the weekends I go away, among other things watch those courageous and talented people race. I hold those athletes in great esteem, and even more respect." Bill said punching the remote button turning the Television off. He rose and ejected the disk, and taking it left the room.
Jennifer sat and considered what she had seen. If this was approved by the participants for some kind of underground video, God alone knows what goes on outside the camera's view. Panic welled up inside Jennifer, and it battled the feelings of love that she had resolved to follow such a short while ago.
The doorbell rang and Bill went to answer it. Jennifer rose and Bill glanced at her and then opened the door.
"Doug, great I've was hoping to see you, glad you could stop by." Bill said "This is Jennifer."
Doug turned and shook Jennifer's hand saying "So you're Jennifer? It's a real pleasure to meet you."
Jennifer whipped her head towards Bill for an explanation and after a moments uncomfortable silence said "Uh, thanks, nice to meet you to Doug."
Bill said "Jennifer was about to leave. Doug, you know where the office is, please help yourself, the Blue Label is on the shelf."
Jennifer was being dismissed again, and she didn't like it. She waited until Doug was down the hall and said "Bill, I was hoping we could talk some more."
Bill shook his head. "No, we have talked enough for today. You haven't decided yet, and you need to. If it makes you feel better, you can't be fired. If you never return here for the next twenty years, never come back to work, your checks will continue every week. Think about this Jennifer, because it's too important to allow your childish outbursts to fuck up."
Jennifer walked out of the house, and heard the door close behind her. She got in her car, and drove home. She wasn't even in the apartment for ten minutes before she was calling Beth and had tears of anger and frustration blurring her eyes.
Beth listened to the next installment and said "Jennifer, when are you going to pull your head out of your ass?"
Jennifer got angry, everyone seemed to be pushing her in a direction she didn't think she wanted to go. "Beth, I'm not like that anymore. You know I'm not. You aren't like that so why are you pushing me to do it?" Then she hung up the phone and ignored it when it rang a minute later.