All Comments on 'Innocence'

OK, I'm thoroughly confused.

Apparently the "we rescued Mum" scene was some sort of dream/delusion-scene, and then you transitioned back to the harsh reality of the truth of what really happened with this:

"Mum and Pip were entwined in a lovers kiss, breasts mashing together. I felt Sara nudging me, then it was kinda hazy fuzzy, noises, pushing.

The alarm buzzing finally woke me, confused. Sara pushed me, and I flapped around for my phone. Finding it I silenced the noise."

If your main character was confused by this, think how lost we readers were!

Up to that point we were reading a rather weirdly concocted incest-plus story...and this was your idea of how to bring the story back to earth?

That has to be one of the worst writing ideas ever. Give us some guidance here, we need to know when you're entering and leaving fantasy scenes. Bring in some narration or something. ...but an alarm clock? that's all we get for a transition back the _actual_ story?

ugh.

- GrandPaM (signin was locked up for some reason)

The idea was good, but it was not executed in an elegant way. It became as a result, confusing.

The conclusion seems at odds with the introduction and the erotic pieces are at odds with the 'non-erotic' category. Otherwise a good story.

Hunted??

I didn't add any markers to show where the dream sequence starts, as it was all a rather convoluted dream until the alarm goes off. I wanted to implant into the story the total sense of confusion you get when you wake up from what appears to be a very real dream.

I accept I need to work on that idea, as you seem not to get that point. Markers would have killed it. "Oh yeah, Dream Sequence...."

It should have started to feel odd by the time the clothes started to come off and the mother and the new wife were all over each other, literally hours after the Mum had been released following a failed OD.

Point taken - poor story, many apologies.

Even for fiction it was poorly executed. The suicide bit was just laughably unbelievable. You should junk this, get an editor and start again. As it sits it's unreadable. No stars as even giving it one star would be an insult to the star.

One minute everyone was fucking everyone else and the next minute they were dead, or depressed basket cases.

In no particular order:

1) Not to beat a dead horse to death, but agree with the others that the transition was too abrupt and confusing - took me awhile to figure out what was going on.

2) Surprised Mum decided to commit suicide - would have thought that once Tom informed her of the rape, she would have gone into "Mom mode" and help her daughter instead of abandoning Al.

3) Preferred the happier dream, though the "everyone take off their clothes" and "everyone engage in sexual play with everyone else" seemed odd and more appropriate for a dream than reality.

4) I'm assuming Mike took revenge for Al on Tom - though "cutting his cock and balls off" in real life is a definite no-no, in this story, it seemed appropriate retribution.

5) Reality is kinda depressing - Al having a meltdown and needing therapy - definitely understand why, but wished the "Al told Tom off" from the dream sequence happened instead.

PS. Don't know if anyone else did, but I'll give you some stars, because this isn't horrible and I like the story idea.

It needed a better definition of what was dream and what was reality.

Did I miss something. In the first part of the story, mum was warm but unresponsive, but survived the overdose. Near the end of the story, mum died on the way to the hospital. Was there a second suicide attempt?

I did not know that the story was based in Arkansas

Confused

I really had trouble following this, forgetting the miss spelled words, words left out, it jumped about and was just so rushed at the end

I gave it a 3 for the beginning part.

But an - almost - repetition of the first page and run to a hospital for Mum's suicide attempt with the course ftom there was ultra confusing and made no sense. I'm writing this before reading the next part intentionally and hoping that it will ultimately make more sense than it does so far.

The story has/had some good promise, but the unexplained last 5 or 6 paragraphs wounded it in my opinion.

Maybe the next part will tie it all together so it makes sense and gets the 5 that I think it would have had.