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All Comments on 'Ash'

by SweetOblivion

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greenmountaineergreenmountaineeralmost 8 years ago

You're one of the poets I always make sure I read in New Poems.

You're more meticulous about rhyme and meter than I am, S.O. I would have written "...he wishes/" starting the next line using a trochee, thus maintaining the rhyme and meter for the ear, if not the eye. Somehow "he'd wish" didn't sound right to me.

Nonetheless, a great read as usual.

AlwaysHungryAlwaysHungryalmost 8 years ago
Suggestion

The iambic pentameter goes off the rails on this line:

"And mold yourself in the fashion he'd wish; "

You might put it back on the rails with:

"And mold yourself in just the way he'd wish;"

...or something along those lines.

Ashesh9Ashesh9almost 8 years ago
S.O. :

I 5-ed !

---ash9

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userSweetOblivion@SweetOblivion
432 Works
190 Followers
I enjoy caring relationships with quiet, polite, women with open minds and good senses of humour, be it in a longer-term arrangement or just a one off. If you are up for it, I will engage in daddy-ply, d/s play, impact play and other sensual games. Definitely not into hurti...