All Comments on 'Taking a Chance'

My hats off to you! A great first story! Very well written and paced!

I'm looking forward to many more!

Burninglove

Good job for your first time. It's nice to sometimes read romance stories that doesn't have sex in every other paragraph.

I have nothing to add to the other comments, just that I look forward to your further stories.

Thank you for sharing with us.

Very nicely done.

I agree with others that a story in the "romance" category needs to have romance, while the amount of sex (or descriptions of sex) is optional. This was a good romance.

You are correct, that editors are a big help. I have just four quick comments on that friend: 1) It's never clear why Natalie was at a Chamber of Commerce meeting in a small Pittsburgh suburb — why was she there? And why did it matter for the rest of the story? 2) I was surprised to read that about three years after his divorce left him with only $1,500 in cash, he was able to put $500,000 into a business — where did that much money come from so fast? Ordinary bankers don't make THAT much money. 3) Natalie came on awfully strong at a couple of points; I found that a little hard to believe. 4) A "suite" is a collection of rooms, not a garment — I think you meant that the store catered to women who needed to wear a "suit" (without the "e") to work. These are the sorts of things and editor should catch. They are, however, small issues. (Your spelling, grammar, and punctuation are much better than a number of others who post here). The three story issues detract, but not too much.

Again, nicely done.

I thoroughly enjoyed this wonderful story and the way it was presented. Was very heartwarming and felt real! I congratulate the author and hope they continue with similar stories or even a series like this - 5 stars all the way :)

This story certainly fit the category it is in. To repeat another, this is a most well crafted first effort. Hope to see other stories soon

Thanks for sharing

Ed

Amongst all the variants that one can write about in this world of Literotica comes an author that pens a story encapsulating a true budding romance woven amidst the harsh realities of life's challenges ... touché and congratulations on a well honed first work. Like the others, I too, look forward to more of your work to read and enjoy.

Fantastic romance story. I see honesty, feelings, love (to the parents and between them), well expressed and comfortable reading.

I really liked, I give 5* for your story, and waiting some more like this one.

Congratulations!

I apologize for my English, is not my native language.

The mystery, in my mind is how something this trivial ended up with a rating of 4.66. I gave it a 2* rating. First of all there was the tedious length. Six pages and almost nothing happened. Two people meet, work out an absolutely ridiculous business deal after which the woman decides she really wants to get laid so she pursues this rather unexciting caricature banker/numbers guy. She's gorgeous (or course) but is really attracted to mister blah. She talks him into a week in NYC with her (for some unknown reason) and within a couple of days they're ready to get married. We have the predictable sick mother sub-plot with miracle medical procedures ending up with 25 years of wedded bliss with the obligatory 2 kids, etc., etc. I'm pleased to say I didn't read every word since I knew what was going to happen from the minute Tim gets the phone call from his father about his mother's stroke. And yet the other comments also lauded this author as producing an outstanding "romance". I'm amazed at their comments. You all might be interested in a true life incident (at least the journalist who wrote this said it really happened and I tend to believe it).

This journalist interviewed Zane Grey many years ago. For the younger set, Zane Grey was the author of dozens of very popular western novels. Nothing very deep, just fun shoot-em-ups. Not very long or great works of literature, just a good way to pass a couple of hours - no sex, no deep introspection, no solutions to the world's problems. The journalist asked Grey how he came up with the plots for all his novels considering how prolific he was. Grey took him into the room where he wrote (actually typed on a typewriter). Inside was a series of "clothes lines" criss-crossing the room above the heads of people walking in the room. Clipped to the cords (with real clothes pins, as I recall) were the covers of all Greys novels - as I said, many dozens. Grey said that when he started a new story he would walk around the room, look at the covers and think about all his earlier books: he would take the hero from this one, the heroine from that one, the locale from another, the villain from another, the situation from yet another and weld them into a new story, making sure he put in a new twist and he really didn't reproduce something he had already created. Then voila! in no time at all, Grey had a new novel which sold moderately well and kept the income flowing. If you ever get a chance to read Zane Grey you'll see that this is not an unlikely process. Nothing new, nothing very creative - just pleasant reading for aficionados of the western genre.

This Spyauth "romance" has a similar flavor - stock situations, trite dialog, standard characters, predictable ending. Everything but a pleasant reading experience because it is just too predictable...and too long. It wasn't all bad and I would encourage Spyauth to keep trying. If he doesn't, how can I sharpen my criticism skills and maintain my Overcritical moniker?

Im a romantic at heart and enjoyed the story, I hope you have more to share like this. I do however feel you really need an editor as the story at times was a little difficult to follow and needed 'tightening up'.

First, the dialogue was too stilted. It was distracting to me and disrupted immersion. Don't confuse proper English in formal writing with believable dialogue. No one talks that precisely all the time. Especially younger people.

Second, I worked in M&A, mostly in the U.S., including in New York. You don't screw around with the other side of a transaction, at least until after the deal is done (as in closed). Talk about conflict of interest! Single or not, it's way too high a risk, both personally and to the deal, and a good way to lose your job and poison your rep. "Take a chance?" Might be better off with Russian Roulette. Again, it hurt immersion.

Third, pinot noir ... with a good steak?!! Noooo!!! That's just a crime against both the wine and the cuisine! This was another distraction in the story, albeit minor, that still hurt believably and immersion. Too many, and readers will start to bail.

To be fair, I didn't give you a rating since I didn't finish the story. But keep working on your craft. You've got more talent than many.

Thanks for sharing this wonderful experience of two affected people finding each other quite by chance. I hope you will continue sharing your talent and story ideas with us.

You need an editor... was difficult almost painful to read at times...

Too formal... real people don't talk like that especially people under 40......

Good story but it needs to be told differently...

" . . The store, was not my idea, but instead I supplied the capital to launch the business by cobbling together my meager savings, loans from banks, as well as from my family. For me, it was a huge risk, in that I felt like I had gone "all in" to see the business become successful by leveraging my financial posture to the limit.

The store sold trendy but tasteful business clothes for women. I stopped by from time to time simply observe the interactions of the patrons and sales staff. I offered limited advice to the store manager occasionally since, as a banker, I had limited experience in women's fashion. In general, I remained quiet in the background, perfectly content to collect my monthly check plus interest from the store owner."

When we first met him he had $500 in checking and $1000 in savings, but some how cobbled together money from his family and bank loans to finance a business he knew nothing about and observed quietly in the background. He was an investor, not the owner, yet he sold the business during dinner without so much as a phone call to the manager, owner, or his family members who were also equity partners.

Just how angry were the people who created the store, ran it day-by-day, invested their time, energy, and ideas into making the business a success, but came to work one day to learn their business had new owners from New York?

And with this track record he now thinks he can "take a chance" on a clothing store for men?

Why would the New York investors hire an assistant bank manger, a silent partner who observed from afar, with no experience in retail clothing, and no hands-on, day-to-day role in the operation of the business, as consultant during a transition year at a salary of $200,000?

The storyline is poor - as has been pointed out already. I stopped when the guy shortened the girl's name to "Nat". He has no class at all and definitely doesn't deserve her.

That is good...but no class at all. He sells the store that he invested in without even talking to the manager and the staff who made it a success. As he admits, he knows nothing about that business other than collecting his cheque each month. Then Natalie's company is going to pay him $200,000 per year as a consultant...get real. Another thing Spyauth never tells us where each worked and lives after they got married. Did she stay and keep her job in New York or did she live with the dork in Pennsylvania? If Natalie had the class and savvy that we are told that she had then she wouldn't look twice at this banker. He sounds like he is infantile and just a tad full of himself.

but leave the trolls to the delete file.

Yes the dialog needed work, and there are echos of other stories in there, and yes you need an editor ( But not too badly ).

But as a first submission I would bet it is a hundred times better than what any of the trolls could put together.

That being said the ending did not do justice to the build up. And even though it is in the Romance category, this is an erotic site so the love / sex scenes could stand to be a bit more descriptive.

Do what I do, if they want to comment on the lack of editing or grammar / spelling problems they have to volunteer to be your editor!

Look forward to your next submission

Acup

I enjoyed the story.

While others have pointed out some believability issues. Here is one I haven't seen mentioned and which distracted me a bit more than those:

"At this point, I had no idea what she wanted to talk about. She didn't elaborate on the phone. I was intrigued by the discussion and the voice on the phone. Throughout the rest of the day, I tried mightily to remember back through my past for a name that resembled Natalie Goldman. I couldn't come up with anyone."

Why did he agree to meet a stranger for dinner (much less pick her up at the airport) without knowing what she wanted to discuss?? If she had said she wanted to talk about the store, fine, but you went out of your way to make it clear that she hadn't. If he agreed simply because it was a woman or because he liked her phone voice it seems out of character for him. Correction: Out of character for any sane person.

I really enjoyed your story, and hope you post more. It was romantic and believable. I thoroughly enjoyed your characters. Good job. Keep it up.

I knew that I was reading a great short story from the first paragraph. Your character development was great and moving the plot to Tim's mother enabled the romance to move along quickly and naturally. I hope to read more of your work.

Great read and I rated it a 5 star very easily. Thanks for a truly entertaining story.

I enjoyed reading, your lovelly romantic story

thanks

Enjoyed the story. As always there could be some improvement with dialog. BUT...

1) a Pinot Noir with steak? WOW! As Bugs Bunny would say "WHAT A MAROON!"

A strong Cabernet or a Merlot or a Shiraz but NEVER a Pinot! (there are actually some newer "blended" wines that go great with steak and prime rib--several good wineries have Cabernet Sauvignon-Syrah blends that are PERFECT with red meat, give them a try!)

2) NO SUCH thing as a "bone-in" rib eye steak. A rib eye is the center cut of a RIB STEAK. In other words, without the bone!

but always know some of the odds, TK U MLJ LV NV

A fairly good new author who writes entertaining and enjoyable tales.

Criticism of your Laura and Bill story included lack of emotion. Not that I noticed as I read. But they should not make that criticism here. Tears streamed at least once.

Some valid criticisms but was not aware of them until the comments. (Which means they did not bother as I read).

Scanned some of the tedious parts.

Thought it a wonderful love story. Didn't care if parts were unrealistic.

Like it coming as one continuous story without breaks.

One more Spyauth story left to read. Unless more written by then (hopefully).

Paul in Oklahoma

I'm always commenting that Literotica is meant for fantasy and nothing is too far out for this medium. However, here we have a rather dull banker who is on his own after a failed marriage connecting with a cosmopolitan woman who is apparently a high powered, gorgeous creature. She somehow concludes that Tim is the man for her without knowing him at all. She inviltes him to spend a week in bed with her in NYC after knowing him maybe 24 hours all told. True, she had a bad marriage experience also, but with the social scene in NYC available to her and a personality that doesn't let her get too isolated, why does she jump on the Tim bandwagon after just a few hours together? Not only fantasy, but bad fantasy.

By the way, to our wine expert, he should try a nice Malbec with steak.

I seem to recall another older story with a very similar plot, but this 8/16 one wasn't as good. 3*

Nice story. Just one problem though; Jack Daniels is not bourbon.

Pittsburgh is awash with hospitals and is a conglomeration of small but unique communities so it was a little sad you went generic. Nice story though even if a little dislocated, lol.

one of my favorites

Simply enjoyed a clever romantic story.

I have edited published books and was not as bothered as many by factual or other errors.

The final question really becomes - Why was one reading the story?

While the Makers of Jack Daniel claim it is not a bourbon but a 'Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey' is it not possible that the author's character was correct?

"Like most Bourbon whiskey brands, Jack Daniels is produced on American soil. It has a predominantly corn-based mash bill, and is aged in new, charred-Oak barrels for at least two years. These are the legal terms that define a straight Bourbon whiskey."

I hope it was not some of the harsh criticism that drove the author from the site 4 years ago despite two H's in four tries.

The Hoary Cleric, a site visitor

PS For those who criticise spelling and grammar mistakes! Take a minute and edit your own comments

Did it seem to move too fast? When I met my wife I knew immediately. I think she did, too. When the chemistry is perfect... .

5 years later after a 15 year struggle with a rare cancer... . I greatly miss her, but this story for me seemed so real. I hadn't kissed my wife yet, and she asked why? I told her I had a few bad experiences and the next time I kissed it was because I was with my future wife. She put her arms around my neck and pulled me into a kiss. "Are we engaged now?" she asked. We were! That kiss was two weeks into our relationship.

Well done author. 5/5

This lovely story deserves an editor!

Some stories just have to be labeled "Must Read" like this one. Then there is the rare story the reader just wishes would never end. This is that rare story. 5+

I love a story of the heart like this. No betrayal.

You are a sensitive and clever writer who brings your characters to life.

You are of just 15 writers here who craft great stories. Sorry you stopped writing.

Danny Lambert

Bastards who get married don't talk finances beforehand??? Being a banker yet has no budget!!

Thankfully you only wrote 4 stories just passable

Natalie was too quick and willing to mix business and pleasure....seems like std practice

Where is the sister, still on business in Europe?!!

He is a bank manager and only invested money in the women's boutique so what qualifies him to be a consultant?

Very nice story. A couple of details could have been smoothed out or further delineated.

I cmwas half expecting that Natalie would turn out to be the owner of the company she "worked for.'

Two special people and the sparks fly.

A wonderful story to mature young people that know what they are looking for and wise enough to grab it.

Just enjoy and take the story at face value.

THC