All Comments on 'Brian & Elise'

Keep it up.

Five stars what more can I say.

What a great story.

Built it up very nicely and felt so real.

Thank you and hope to read more of your work in the future.

This is what romance section stands for and it was only your second submission too. Loved the story, the characters, the slow burn progression and the fact that nothing was overextended to dilute the effect. I really hope you keep it up just like this in you upcoming stories no matter the category.

5*+

This is really a great story. I enjoyed it quite a bit. However if you really want to take it to the next level, try taking a slower pace in the story. It is more gratifying to see the build up of friendship and feelings in Brian and Elise than to just hear it. Also Elise should have had a harder time winning Brian back over. But really it was a great plot!

Nice story.

You used the word "repertoire" twice, but it didn't seem to fit either time. I think you were referring to the atmosphere or the relationship between them, but that's not what the word means. Check a couple dictionaries (print or online).

Brian is a fucking pussy. Stays with a woman who takes him for granted and is a blatant slut? what an idiot wouldn't be long till she starts whoring around again

They're roommates but she doesn't know what Brian does for a living? Took me right out of the story because it was so unrealistic. I'd encourage you to find an editor to work with and/or a beta reader.

I do not like the use of the phrase "scarfed his food down"!

It has connotations of shovelling his food into his mouth just as fast as he can, which would definitely not be a pleasing observation to any viewer, least of all in a romantic connection.

You say "repertoire". I think you mean "rapport". That might be wrong, but "repertoire" seems pretty clearly not to be what you do mean.

Thanks!

Hey everyone, I just wanted to thank you all for reading my story! It doesn't matter to me if you liked it or not, I'm just thankful that you all took the time to read it.

At the two anons that caught my misuse of repertoire i apologize lol. I think the one that mentioned using rapport is right. I'll definitely keep that in mind.

I hope to improve my writing and story telling and your criticism/comments are more than welcome.

Again, thanks for reading and I hope you all stick around for my other stories that I'm working on.

-tb

Shows promise. Please keep writing. As suggested by others, an editor or some beta readers would be helpful. This would avoid the occasional "Huh?" on the part of the reader.

What is Brian's job? From the setting he would appear to be a mechanic. He works at a garage and does oil changes and is dirty, but the story says that Brian has a business which receives payment from mechanics and that his job is "different from being a mechanic".

"It had been years since her last relationship" However "With how she treated relationships in general, he was treading as lightly as possible." How would Brian know how she treats relationships, if her last relationship ended long before they became room mates.

"mixed some onions with peppers there once it got to a nice pinkish color"  I can't parse this. Maybe you mean "then once".

At the last minute Brian wants to know if she is on the pill, and is happy to go without condoms since she is. In reality he should be thinking of condoms for his own protection, considering the parade of lovers who have been in her bed, presumably also without condoms. Unless "And last I checked, I'm safe" really means "I had an STD test last week and I am clean".

"Elise kissed him deeply and shoved herself down on him", then " Looking up, she saw her lover's eyes and held his gaze." Who is on top?

I liked the premise of the story, but one of my pet peeves is overusing exclamation points in dialogue. Dialogue tags are hard to get right as well, but exclamations should be used sparingly. Reading Elise's dialogue made her seem over-emotional for seemingly no reason (or if there was a reason I missed it); like yeah your best friend gave you some pent-up attitude and you weren't a fan but "I didn't ask for your help!!" looks more like a teenage meltdown than a nursing student who's probably in her mid-twenties. Maybe develop her character more so these outbursts are justified or be mindful of punctuation because it really does make a difference. I got the feeling I should be understanding Elise but by the time she went to the garage I hoped Brian wouldn't have talked to her :\ basically reaching a deadend to the story, which is no good.

its either move in or move out, TK U MLJ LV NV

I think this was a beautiful story. Keep writing!!! I will definitely keep reading your stories.

was a good story but choosing a girl who sleeps with guy after guy all the while choosing bad ones is not your best strategy for picking a life mate.