All Comments on 'Gone too Long'

This is going to be a fantastic series (isn't it?) I love the kinda slow build up. A page 3 wouldn't have been bad but I really enjoyed this. Some minor grammar/punctuation errors but otherwise excellent. Very well earned 5 stars.

More please!

Would love to read more about these two

This is a five star al the way. And just like the others I am hoping for more chapters.

Jumping between present and past tense. C'mon, dude.

Yes, we need more of this great story plot and how they will grow their life together; as BF & GF now and later more. The sexual needs are obvious and so Big Sister needs to show Big Brother what she wants and needs. He, of course, has to do what his Big Sister says . . . Hopefully, before long they drop the guards and love and care for each other while he shows her how he can take care of her sexually. A great story potential here. Some specific physical details and sexual ones too. What does his sister want and need ?? Thank you and cannot wait for more.

Needs a bunch of editing, but the story line has a great deal of potential.

If this is your first story you're not far away from being really good. Let me suggest you take a little time and read some Elmore Leonard. His dialogue is some of the very best. I went to a reading of his many years ago and he said the first thing he tells aspiring writers is to read their dialogue aloud so that they can "hear" their characters talking. It's always helped me, not that I'm that good. Secondly, back story, back story, can't say that enough. Lots of little descriptors helps us delve more deeply into your story; besides I'd really like to know why Meg has gotten to be 27 without having seen a cock, let alone touched one - and Brad ... you get the picture. Looking forward to your next installment, thanks. DW

you wrote a nice first story...needs work with an editor for some errors but thosebare minor stuff for you did a great job with the plot and erotic romance you started between the siblings who came back to each other's lives after such a long time...you're on the right track so please follow through with your next chapters/chapter...I'm gonna be waiting for it, for sure...make it sooner than later too...this story is worthy of all the stars so there you go...

Thank you for your story. I look forward to more chapters. As for your other critics, they all must have been English Majors in college. Keep up the good work. D

This was a superb start to something I hope will become a pleasing series. Nice pacing, fun characters and "new" meetings between them, a story that went from painful drama to spicy love story and comical assets too. All in all a very pleasing tale I really wish to follow in the future and I am convinced it has great potential.

5*

Good story line hope to read more, this isn't English class so don't worry about a few grammatical error. The story is great don't stop now!

Next chapter please.

Not the full polished article but a really good story line with much potential.

Characters need development and the dialogue jars but, hey, it flowed nicely and you left us gagging for more.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter of this story and I then hope you will go on to develop a well crafted series that we will all enjoy.

Well done.

A good start

More chapters plz

djb

I look forward to following this story as it develops. Your story narration skills will undoubtedly improve with practice. For now, please just stay in past tense except perhaps within dialog. Also, try to let us understand more about the characters and why they feel and act as they do. All in all, this is a great start in writing. Thanks for sharing with us.

Very nice start. Expect you to bring up the past with memories and real people. Could even introduce his army days. Looking forward to next chapters.

Vriesea

I felt the narration started out kind of light, almost tentative. But again this is your first.

Congratulations. What you laid out was easy to follow, gave some depth, but needs more development of the characters. I feel good things about the story future. Keep going. In time you will develop more skill and intuition. Good luck. GP

I think this was a great first story, it had a bit of everything including enough mystery to build into a series. To me as long as the story flows and keeps me involved I will read it. I hope to read the next chapter soon.

I like the story line. Characters need more development.

Overall it has a realness to it, though occasionally the dialog comes off sounding a bit awkward. Don't worry about that - you will improve as you keep writing.

Find an editor who will not only catch the typos and misspellings but also the grammar mistakes. Your story wanders (not "wonders" as you wrote at one point) between past tense and present tense, sometime in the same sentence or paragraph!

Stick to past tense, except in dialogue. Also pay attention to details: in one sentence you had your hero get undressed, take a shower, then go outside. What happened to getting dressed? Or did he go outside wet and naked? You may think that's a silly point, but your readers may stumble and it distracts and detracts from the story.

Keep writing! I'm looking forward to Chapter Two.

I am looking forward to part 2

I really enjoyed the story. Looking forward to Chapter 2E

This is a great first effort. I hope you continue, and hope you expand on why Meg is still a virgin. A long kept secret love for her brother, ETC.

Thanks for all the feedback. I am in the process of writing chapter 2 right now. It will be from the prospective of the sister this time, with more character development, and yes the truth will come out why she is still a virgin.

Nice story line and a good start.

Try using more contractions in the dialogue. People talk in contractions, not all word for word.

for a first story.

But present -> past -> present... which is it? You can go with either tense as long as you stick to that. Normally, stories are written in the past, so I will advise that. Also, try to be more descriptive, especially in emotional scenes. Like when he heard that his mother was murdered, there was nothing there in terms of emotion. You kept on with dialogue like they were talking about the weather. Was he just that unfazed by her death?

Find an editor who is competent and literate.

The story was a fun, quick, easy read. Thanks to the author for sharing it.

What would have made it more than that would have been anger over his wounds, possible concerns about minor ptsd, grief over his mother, guilt and not having been there, a trip to the grave, an expression of frustration of not being able to get to the stepfather, etc.

I look forward to reading the second part and a third if there is one.

i think it is a very good start. i agree- more character development is needed. but keep the chapters coming

Substitute the word "saw" everywhere you used "seen" in this story.

I see you now.

I saw you yesterday.

I have seen you before today.

He had seen days like this before.

Good start, hone your skills and keep going

My advice for you is just to work on your tenses. You're using a mixture of present and past tense in your verbs while telling the story in first person. But other than that I like your writing style, you've got a good background built up for your characters and it seems like a pretty natural story for you to tell.

everyone hates joe, but they trust him and believe everything he tells them!!! sissy is a lawyer and could tract down bro in 15 minutes, but fails to protect mom. magically NO ONE thinks to call the fuckin police. sissy did get trusted joe convicted for murder, but so could a third grader. so tell me author do you not see a problem with this fuck story?

I started reading the story and noticed the naivety of the writing early on. There is a lot of "I did this, then she did that, then we did this" but very little poetry to it. It reads like instructions to mimic what is happening in the story with little effort to make it interesting to read.

The story itself could also use some more preparation as the previous comment has some valid points. Why did anyone trust anything the abusive stepdad said? Why didn't Meghan write, phone, email or try to stay in contact with her family? Why didn't Brad? It's a tenuous setup which comes across as contrived for the sake of the situation it presents.

I first read this story on the YouTube channel. It was very incomplete as a very great many of the stories are on YouTube. I finally found out that a lot of the YT stories actually came from Literotica.com where the complete original story can be found. Usually the YT videos are renamed and a bit of sleuthing needs to be done to find the correct story.

I loved the YT version and read it several times, now that I found the original story on literotica I am very pleased. The whole story with all the chapters!!

I see a lot of folks complaining about spelling and grammar and such but these are just stories people and they are free!! In my mind I can flesh out a character and picture places and times and I seem to automatically be able to read right past the mistakes and correct them as I enjoy a good read. That's what READING is supposed to do, open the portals of our minds and expand and think about what is pouring into our brain via our eyes into our gray matter and into the mysterious portions of our brains to be sifted in the ares that spit out understanding of what we see and just enjoy the read.

I love this story and the author will get better and better. Bravo author I like you and look forward to many more of your stories. Thank you very much.