by EenViezeVent
Love the slow build, such a tease. Look forward to the next chapter.
Although I'm not a huge harem fan this one has potential for something great and I'm not ashamed to admit I loved it immensely. It was simply amazing to see how much he cares for the women in his life and the fact that nothing changed in him from the accident it's little wonder all of them feel hard for him (well some harder than others and some a lot sooner too). All those moments of lovey-dovey between brother and sisters was making my heart flutter just as much as theirs were. Nicely done with one at a time and leaving mom for a later as a cherry on top, the true-love development with Casey however is the best of them all.
The only bad thing about this story is that the next chapter isn't up yet or even written for that matter :(
5*
Yes, so well written, a huge potential exists for this story. Casey and Debby are having good sex play with their brother and both cumming hard. I wonder how long it will take before his Mom does him ?? Of course, direct intercourse with Casey and Debbie will happen but their Mom may surprise them all !!! Cannot wait for more. Thank you.
Little Brother, pouty face those words are being used too much. The story isn't bad.
So ready for chapter 2, or perhaps the next 15 chapters will be fine with me!
Well written--can't wait for Mom to let her son and daughter know that she KNOWS and approves. She might want to try him too. Continue the story to its conclusion even if it goes beyond chapter 20.
Not a bad story but boy, you really need to work on your spelling and grammar. Also, learn how and when you should use inverted commas.
4 stars from me. I would've let the spelling mistakes slide but your inane use of these (") annoyed me greatly.
It's a fun read and a good story, Would love to see more. that said, I have to agree with the guy who said stick with either 1st or 3rd person. Switching is distracting and it takes the reader out of the story.
If I favorite a story of yours... Cause I have you in my favorite authors already. Seems redundant. Will eagerly wait for chapter 2.
I enjoyed this story so far, just wished it was longer. I hope there will be a second chapter soon. I concur with what others have said with some of the grammar and use of quotations marks.
Maybe make it easy to understand by adding something like what I have below?There are too many authors here that makes it very hard to follow and understand dialog. With the inner dialog you can even go, Jake thought to himself “blah blah blah”
Jake: "Come on Alex! Only a few more miles to go, no stopping now buddy!"
Alex: "Just... Lemme catch... My breath Jake! You do have to understand that not everyone runs the distances that you do?"
Or
Jake turned back to Alex and shouted "Come on Alex! Only a few more miles to go, no stopping now buddy!"
The story is rather good. If I have a problem its the dialogue. Way too much of calling him little brother or little or big sister. Sounds goofy. Like the others in looking forward to another chapter or 3.
The dialogue feels forced between the characters and the switching between POV's (point of view) was, damaging to the story. You should also probably have someone reviewing what you write before you post it to check for mistakes.
I don't typically like this type of story but I gave yours a try. I'm glad I did, even with the grammar and spelling mistakes (Mattress, not matrass, for example). I find myself wanting to read more about this family though I'm not entirely sure why.
I guess it makes no difference, so thanks and when you finally get ready to write a sequel please refer back to 'My Mom and Sisters are my Nurses'.
Like the story even if it was a little confusing with all the "" in the beginning. I wonder how Jake could possibly pound his sister when he's paralysed from the waist down? That movement should be impossible. Please find an editor ☺
Impaitently waiting for next chapter 😉
Nothing against you, your style or your story. But can’t this site use some kind of mark or sign indicating when a multi chapter story is not finished? It’s frustrating to read through a series only to find the continuation may or may not be coming and who knows when.
Can't wait for the next CHAPTERS to this great story . Yes there were a few mistakes but I'm sure you will improve , so please don't delay and disappoint us. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Paralized from the knees down
Having to endure the stench of sex? Aroma, scent, sweet smell, of sex maybe, but stench? I really like it. I enjoy the sexy aromas that are generated while having sex. A stench is offensive, distasteful, unpleasant. If your love making creates a stench you are either doing it wrong or need to shower more often.
.
.
Switching between first and third person narration was annoying and the use of quotations during first person narration was just odd.
The story construction was strong, but the details were odd. If he could undress, get in the bathroom, get in the seat in the shower and turn on the shower, why did he need someone to bathe him?
I really tried to read this, but I couldn't. This story is littered with spelling and grammar errors, incorrect words, bungled colloquialisms and incorrect punctuation.
The dialouge was unnatural, and many of the interactions were unrealistic.
The one thing I will say in defense of this story is that the injury resulting in paralysis, essentially from the knees down, is plausible. The nervous system is both complicated and fragile. Damage the right nerves, lose function of the related body part.
A great story but badly spoiled by the proliferation of errors of one kind or another. And the dialogue - stilted and implausible at times and enough to spoil my concentration.
Here's hoping that Chapter 3 is better written.
There are a lot of other problems, this author desperately needs an editor, but the most annoying is the random shifts between first and third person.
Stick to one, please.
I found most of the complaints about grammar and spelling to be ... overstated. And I'm not someone who doesn't notice such things: grammar and spelling errors drive me up the wall. Ask anyone in my family who is most likely to point out grammar and spelling errors, and you'll get my name. I've actually made appointments with the principal of my daughter's grade school to discuss spelling and grammar errors on signage in the school hallways. Yes, I'm that parent, and I did not find the errors in this story jarring or distracting, so lay off.
With regard to switching between first- and third-person POV: some commenters obviously failed to read the foreword, which clearly stated that the shifts were deliberate. That said, I agree that it was not an effective decision, and I think the author began to realize that as the story developed, because the amount of switching decreased rapidly after the initial portions. In my opinion, switching from first person to third person is appropriate only when describing significant events which the narrator did not witness.
I personally really enjoyed this read! i love the way you worked the whole family in around you main Character, well done! dont worry about spelling and grammar, my writing is much worse :P
The looking to the future is spoiling what could be a good story. Quit referring to future and you could be a good story teller.
Why did you suddenly change POV. Start was 1st person, then switched to 3rd. Just start in 3rd and stay that way, or do all in 1st. Dont swap around.
It bothers me that sometimes the criticisms seem to outweigh the story line. Were their mistakes? Sure! Do others make the same mistakes? Sure! Mistakes are easy to correct. To me it is the story line, which in this case is great, is the hardest thing for people to accomplish. The slow build up, bringing each character into the play and still managing to leave us hanging with Mom and the youngest sister. Keep up the good work and I'm looking forward to continue reading.
I think you just need more practice and to maybe read some series in the genre your literary interest are in? You have a decent concept your just a tad lacking in execution. Be this as it may you should always take these comments with a grain of salt because no taste are identical,ergo you wont please everyone. Thank you for your contribution all the same.
I'm glad the issue between Jake and Casey was nicely handled. To often an issue like this is left unresolved or skirted over and it leaves the story lacking somewhat.
I can't wait to read the rest of the series!
First off, I was actually interested in reading the story, I think it could be good, but I really don't know why you decided to switch between 3rd and 1st person perspectives. It makes no sense, either talk from your protagonists perspective or don't. Switching between them isn't logical, it throws off the whole story. I've read stories before that try to have multiple perspectives, from different characters and this is very hard to pull off effectively, usually having to switch between just two characters and their viewpoints. But to tell the same story, from the effectively the same viewpoint just switching the narrative seems inane. Secondly, why are you encompassing your protagonists thoughts/narrative within quotation marks? He's not saying the things out loud, so you don't need to announce them as speech, it's very disconcerting.
I'm afraid this caused me to discontinue reading the story and I'm sure others may have as well but thought you deserved the feedback regardless.
I see lots of potential in between the cliche and hastiness. Slow it down, stretch it out. Build some tension. Take a minute and reread it a couple times before you post, or get a good editor. Waiting for part 2.
Wretched Monkey had some points good and bad--I read the whole story for the first time and it wasnt that hard to follow. The grammer did need a little work with certain things there and as u see me typing this I need help as well. The other guy said it seemed rushed--the brother about died for the sister so to see him alive the sisers were more then willing to do something for the hero so I see the story is over and will read the other parts--
And love reading these stories, However I always am the girl. Feeling the man in my body, Mouth pussy or ass makes no diff. Just so he is in me, becoming part of me. That is so wonderful to know someone is in me and enjoying my body. Sometimes I watch videos of men savaging women in their ass knowing I need to be the woman, Knowing I have a lovely pussy made for a mans pleasure but he works me over making me cry and I am happy that he find pleasure in doing that and I am there for his use. How many of you live for that? Please write me and tell me how you would make me cry
Very interesting story and I.cant wait to see where it goes from here.
Just like a you get guy, 'I have sensitive tits.' Guy pinches and twists nipples while mauling tits, lol.
How about this, 'I have sensitive balls.' girl grabs balls, squeezes hard and starts twisting! Hehe, apt comparison!
Enjoying the story so far though! Most of my criticism is nit picky stuff though, nothing huge. Let's see... Like he wakes up in a hospital bed and immediately tried to get out of bed. Who does that? Lol. Then there's his overly enthusiastic responses when his sister's ask him if he likes something they are doing. Kinda made me laugh thinking of a bad country bumpkin response. That feel ok brother? Boy howdy golly gee willakers, it sure does!!
Hehe. Well I'm off to the next chapter! Thanks!!
it's my second read now. (this was one of my first reads on lit)
what I discovered just now ;
He is handicapped but only his legs though.
He can move his arms (even the part he works out with Debby).
So...why exactly does he need help from Casey for showering? Apart from an erotic scene in the story?
Because I can shower and clean myself thoroughly only sitting down in the Tub, without using my legs at all.
I like the core of the story.
loved it, the plot wasnt over the top but was very interesting and had 2 awesome sex scenes, although its still not full-blown sex, it was agreat start
... but it's hard to figure out what you are saying some times.
So...why exactly does he need help from Casey for showering? Apart from an erotic scene in the story?
Because I can shower and clean myself thoroughly only sitting down in the Tub, without using my legs at all.
however, he is paralyzed from waist down. You might be able to clean yourself without use of legs, I'll even give you get out of the bathtub (arm strength and leverage). Once he gets out, how exactly is he going to dry himself off? A towel in his wheelchair to sit on, and another to dry off what he can reach might work, but then comes getting dressed.
Dude
It was so irritating that you kept switching from first person narrative to third person narrative at the start. "Jake did this" then in the next paragraph it was"I did this". Ahhh just pick one. I feel that there was a lot of copy and past going on from two different starts. Agrivating and confusing.
...doesn't mean the thing warned about still won't annoy or put off your readers.
Pick a point of view...even if you need to switch CHARACTERS for a moment, and stick with it. You tried something new...that is okay, but it failed (trust me, it really did). Fix it.
Get an editor. You must have one friend that passed freshman English and likes to read porn. There is zero excuse for publishing something this riddled with mistakes. Even if English was your fifth language and Google translate was failing you, have some pride and get proper help. It distracts from your story, puts readers off. If I read chapter two and it is like this, you've lost me.
Sure, people that write poorly themselves don't care, but the semi-literate aren't the only ones reading this. Have a higher standard.
Fix/retcon the gaps of logic in the story. Things that don't make sense will kill any story. The most wild science fiction or fantasy story still has rules within THAT world. Again...giving a 'warning' instead of being thoughtful is not enough. It is lazy writing and an insult to your readers.
This is all said in the spirit of constructive criticism. (I run a writer's group with actual, published authors.) I'm not just beating on you for jollies.
Best of luck going forward.
I think you are on to something here , yeah the POV was an issue , but your character development , premise , storyline , chemistry and eroticism is wonderful and exciting ! It’s fresh and sexually charged with a good cliffhanger ending the chapter . I found it very hot and entertaining. 5stars despite the POV conflicts .
Great start, your final scene could have used a little work, I didn't realize she was on her back on top of him until the very end of the scene, but other than that, I really enjoyed this.
Could be a good story but the writing is terrible. You desperately need an editor.
The man who was ploughing your pussy nearly raped your daughter and caused your sissy of a son to be paralyzed. Very deep imagination from author...1 star
Stopped reading by middle of page seeing this idiot writer has no understanding of proper grammar usage. What's with entire paragraphs in quotes, you fucking idiot!!
Some pretty shitty comments from shitty people. I do think you could use an editor and think you have the family talking a little formally with each other the whole time but I really like sorry you're building and style
Hi ex is stupid dumping him just because he’s in a wheel chair stupid people who only about looks and other stuff
Decent story but I'll mirror some of the comments. The constant use of bro and sis and names in dialog is very jarring. The way they talk is unnatural, you don't get a sense of their relationship to one another. Also its fine to tell us what characters are thinking instead of having them constantly say things out loud.
Fairly sure English is not the author's first language. If I had to guess I'd say Dutch is her native tongue. I agree she could use an editor, but I had no trouble following g the story.
What a bunch of whining little pussies or bitches not sure which. Why don't you fuckers write your own stories instead of tearing down others who do write. Last I checked this is a porn site not a public library.