All Comments on 'The Librarian Pt. 01'

The financial move arounds for the dicvorce would come back to bite him Convince a judge and the money that were suppose to go to the trust would be returned Judge would declare the house was illegally and force it to be returned to the exwife A Bench warrant would be put out for the spyman and a opposition political party would out him and he would be arrested only to die in prison by chinese operatives

Was OK. But way to much blah blah blah. 2.5*

can't wait for the second part! 5 stars

Nice action-adventure story. The only beef I have (and one of my pet peeves), is that you keep calling magazines clips. They are in fact, two different things, a magazine holds the ammunition in a weapon, a clip feeds the magazine. I.e., AK's, Glocks et al, take magazines. Firearms like a M1 Garand or a SKS have internal magazines that are fed by a clip. I know it is a small thing, but your protagonist, would, I am sure, know the difference.

Fun yet sad story.

Looking forward to the next and, hopefully, not last part of your tale.

Amazing, best story that I have read on this site for years. Can't wait for the second instalment

Wow!

Hope part 2 is as good as this ??This story was rivetting (jaybee186)

Love it. Thanks! Can't wait for the next part.

Great part one.

It's dangerous to poke a bear!

5

An excellent start!

It was a fun read, and I'm looking forward to the next part of the story. Please be sure to put the next part in the LW category so I can enjoy that part too.

Hot damn, Bear! You've got me primed for part two! Can't wait!!!

great read - I look forward to chapter 2

thanks

Jumping between He / I is just confusing.

Deleting his account. Really? They log all Internet access on the srrver, changing the hard drive is a complete and utter waste of time.

Off to a great start. I can't wait for the next chapter. 5 stars and holding.

Hmmm. I'm not a new reader but still found it lacking.

Great start. Very well done and am looking forward to the next chapter!

Need a part where we see the seduction of both Lorelei and Samantha. I'm sure the daughter resisted more than the wife but yeah

Good story, but lots of grammar mistakes. Example: MC narrating but when you write his thoughts, you finish with ‘he thought’ rather than ‘I thought.’ Minor, but an annoyance. But I don’t want to be a grammar cop, so I still gave you 5* since I enjoyed the story. Looking forward to part 2, and hoping it’s posted soon.

Great read. Looking forward to second part. As a Naval Retiree with 21 yrs active service and as an Annapolis man, Class of '71, I have a small quibble about the accuracy of the rank for likely Master Chief Gonzales. To my limited knowledge, there is no rank of senior master chief in the Navy. There's master chief (MCPO) E9, or senior chief (SCPO) E8. This minor discrepancy doesn't detract from an entertaining and well crafted story. Mega kudos!

WS

The story is intriguing but I couldn’t finish reading it because it is so incoherent, particularly in terms of person and tense. I suspect an unedited draft version was published. And i suggest re-submitting.

Please don't take to long for part 2. It is a great read.will hold score till part 2 though

All these special ops guys seem to have a hard time holding onto their wives.

Great stuff! Thank you.

Good stuff. Can't wait for the rest of the story!

3 stars so far. No glaring mistakes with the jargon and a pretty good read. Considering that Canucks are proven better long distance snipers than Yanks, maybe you should consider shortening the distance when using the Barrett to take out one of the nasty guys.

As good as always. Couple of minor editing things, but no worries.

Interesting story so far. Can’t wait for more. Keep up the good work.

Entertaining part one. Looking forward to the next one but please, please, please stop switching from first person to third person narration! It really ruins the flow of the story.

og46

Good story, I could have done without the part of the daughter dying. I have daughters and granddaughters

F-14? Tankered? Lots of jargon and inaccuracies.

Great story keep up the great work

As an action packed mystery adventure, this was just great! Maybe a little bit too much technical detail about….we’ll EVERYTHING! …. but no doubt it’s a thrill ride 🤗

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Nits to pick: not enough info about his wife and marriage … maybe comes later? And damn .. his daughter died .. like that? Brutal.

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Guessing we are going on a real revenge ride now. Just hope our hero doesn’t lose what little humanity he might have left.

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5 *****

For someone as deep into detail as you, the thumb in my eye was the wanton use of "clip" when you (should) know they're called magazines :-(

Some might opine that I'm being too picky, but with the attention to model numbers, caliber, and general knowledge of firearms; it makes this one error glaring.

THANK YOU for a fun story, I look forward to the next chapter.

Looking forward to the next chapter

Great story but it has some very familiar lines from other similar ones, hope the ending is a real surprise

Great first chapter, I'll be watching for more.

Enjoying this, and looking forward to the next chapter. Thanks, Bear.

It violates all tenets of espionage (on the part of the Chicoms) because once you involve FAMILY the gloves come off. By everyone. Diplomatic Immunity wouldn’t count once it’s personal.

A great start. Not sure why he needs to wreck his life though? I'm sure he could arrange things so he could get his vengeance and retain his current identity and career. Despite that still a 5 star story.

Decent enough story, but the constant errors in tense (almost random switching back and forth between first and third, for no reason whatsoever) was really annoying and distracting.

Looking forward to the 2nd part. Good read. Thanks

F14? In Cuba? Come on.

I'm pretty sure that no field agent can access the fbi main database without a report of what they looked at going out for review and if he could find his daughters killer they already know and aren't stupid enough to think he won't be going for revenge

At its heart, this tale isn't actually much of a departure for you. LOL! The narrative in the first two pages was clunky with uneven flow and single thoughts strung together. In addition, several editing problems (to the point of distraction) gave me fits. The last couple pages were much better in both content and flow. 4* for the first installment.

Good story. Some constructive criticism: There's no such thing as a Senior Master Chief in USN. The senior enlisted leader is the Command Master Chief (CMC). On a DDG, almost always a Master Chief (E-9). The Captain on a DDG is a Navy Commander (O-5), not a LCDR (O4). Normally, there are no marines detailed to a DDG, unless there for a specific reason/mission.

Great story look forward to part 2 thankyou

Keeps flipping from first to third person

Also - no such thing as a "Senior Master Chief" - that would have to be an E-10 rank {Master CHief is E-9}, and, last i heard, there was only one of those - the Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy, stationed at the Pentagon

Woo hoo… I liked it! Looking forward to reading more! Thank-you!

You need an editor. Badly.

"(heh, heh)" - The parenthetical "heh, hehs" is kind of lame.

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"source of oil distribution through out the Caribbean, Central and South America, and the world." - Since the Caribbean, Central and South America are part of "the world," why not just say, "throughout the world?"

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"So I thought." - You're telling the story in 3rd person, son shouldn't this be, "So he thought," or is the narrator the one who is mistaken?

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"in front of this eyes." - "This eyes?" It's probably a typo for "his," but since it's his POV, it should be "my."

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"around my wast? wast band?" - I think you mean waist, got it right the third time.

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Earlier she was talking about him never coming back, now she's talking about taking everything in a divorce?

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OK, I realize this is LW World, and we can make up our rules as we go along, but the farther you depart from reality, the harder it is to identify with the characters in the story. Divorce doesn't leave the husband destitute, and ex-wives don't rule on visitation.

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"Then he reached over and took his friend in his arms and held him. Finally, while the sobbing man cried himself into oblivion, he nodded to the driver to get them moving the 28 miles to CIA HQ." - Why the switch to 3rd person? "Took ME in his arms and held ME," "while I cried MYself," "get US moving."

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"YOU SAID JASON WAS IN LOVE WITH ME!!" - So what if he was? If you're a faithful wife that should mean nothing.

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How does she expect to take him for ANYTHING? She has to know what kind of trouble she's in.

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I have no idea how accurate all that military and security jargon is, I'm sure our resident experts will chime in as appropriate.

It drug in a few places, but was an enjoyable read overall. There were a few instances where you switched between 1st and 3rd person perspectives that were disruptive and annoying.

I gave it 3 stars as you kept switching from 1st to 3rd person so frequently. You even managed to do that within a sentence here and there. Otherwise the story is interesting

Call them mags or magazines instead of clips and we are go for part two!

Looking forward to the next part. The only flaw is the FBI doesn't work on real crimes anymore. They're busy tracking down parents who confront school boards about teaching idiotic sexual identity ideas to 5-year-olds and making up shit about politicians they don't like. What a sad joke they have become. However since this is fiction, I'll go along. Good story-telling.

A truly stupid story that makes one wonder about the author's mental status. BTW - you can't really "destitute" a wife, but then the story is so far off the reservation that I guess anything is possible to imagine however stupid.

Rapid switches of point of view and some peculiar spelling as well spoiled what might have been an entertaining story.

It's not bad, but if you're going for "techno-thriller" level realism, you need to do some serious research on your firearms. If you're in the US, spend a little money at your local range and rent a couple of guns to familiarize yourself with them.

A well-trained professional would not use "clip" when referring to the magazine for either an AK or the Glock pistols in the story.

AK's have a dust cover that functions as both safety AND fire selector. It slides all the way up to act as the safety (while keeping debris/mud/junk out of the action), and slides down to select full-auto or semi-auto.

As I said, it's not bad but it could easily be better.

Definitely looking foward to the next one.

Why kill off the daughter, that's twisted, the wife deserves that end, not his baby girl.

Whoa! What a Great Story! What a Great Read! Great Writing! Sort of like a James Bond movie! Excitement, betrayal, it is all there except chapter#2! LOL please hurry, I need to know what happens next! The torture of waiting! LOL Great Writing, Obviously much better than my own meager attempts. Thank You Sir, you have the talent to do real writing, Books and PAID for stories! If I could write as good as you, I would quit my job and write full time! 5 stars to you my Friend. Thanks for the effort! #Buster2U

Grrr. too many editorial errors and predicable btb start up lines to really make it enjoyable, like the plot even if telegraphed. But hey! thanks for your time and effort. Not that its importand but more than 3 less than 5. [Waiting for pt 2. M ]

Great... Looking to the finish.

Calling that over the top would be the biggest understatement in history.

Just too much of everything...... including lists of firearms.

I see a major mini-series on pay per view...

EXCELLENT!!!

Nice story. So sad about Samantha. Can’t wait to see what he’s planning.

Pity. All that and you still don’t know the difference between a clip and a magazine. Amateur mistake

Ok you can tell a jaw-dropping story

¡Aiyeee, El Oso! With an editor and something like Grammarly to clean up the loose ends, this story would be perfect. You and every other LW writer need to kill that overworked, tired, and laughable trope of the wife disrespecting the husband while being railed by King Dong. Any P.I. (or Peeping Tom) will tell you that all the really bad, nasty, sometimes legally actionable stuff is post-coital pillow talk. Seriously, nobody talks about divorce settlements while chasing the O. Things like this ruin top-notch story ideas. Unless the guard was female, the Spanish pejorative would be 'puto.' Also, in every spy novel and newspaper OP-ED and bar conversation since Wild Bill Donovan and the O.S.S. went legit, the CIA has been referred to as The Company, not the Company. "Make due" with a pencil? Also, no Army Ranger would refer to an AK magazine as a "clip." The worst? An AK has a three-position switch: Safe-Auto-Semi. (Soviet SMG doctrine still lives on!) Finally, if this story is contemporary, MC won't get a ride on an F14. Maybe a T-38 or an F/A-18E/F. The conversation with Lorelei was more vintage LW cliché. If the wife's boyfriend was behind the death of her daughter, then Lorelei's actions also contributed. A loving father... that would be the FIRST thing out of his mouth. Instead, he whines about why she cheated. The daughter was almost a P.S.

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A superb story, but you need an editor, son. Heck, even Michelangelo hired people to polish the marble, and Calder hired out some of his welding.

I love your sense of adventure, content, story, etc. 5 star. If you are going to write about military, respect them and learn your ranks and the gear. (I feel like you do respect, but were a little lazy with this one). F-14's haven't been flown in years, etc. Fix your pronouns/tense. now get of your ass, and finish it, LT.

Fantastic story; thank you for your hard work. I for one can't wait for the next part(s)!

loved it. Can't wait for part 2

Chief Petty Officer = E7

Senior Chief Petty Officer = E8

Master Chief Petty Officer = E9

Now there are special Master Chief Petty Officer ranks that are above but still are E9 that may have additional pay. Two are:

Command Master Chief Petty Officer is what previously known as the Senior Enlisted Advisor for a unit's Commanding officer.

Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy is the Navy's top Enlisted position reporting to the Chief of Naval Operations.

Hope that helps.

So real and intriguing. Thanks LT56.

He has all that 200k and Krugerrands weapons etc . how can he get those into the trust he is going to fund.and why kill is kid,makes no sense. They where still using the wife . Slot unanswered but I like these stories. How could he not know his wife was cheating on him. CIA and all.

5 stars for the joke at the end!

If you’re going to write gun porn, please learn the difference between a clip and a magazine!

Thank you.

Absolutely superb. Thank you for sharing your talent with us.

One tiny suggestion. You sometimes switch from first person to third person. Stick with one or the other. Just a quibble to enhance your excellent story telling.

It’s I say again knot reept.

LOVE slap-hapy-papy #9

An engrossing story, slightly marred by numerous typos in the first 2 pages. 5 stars! Can't wait for part 2.

This is the kind of shit, that causes 85% of the world to hate the US government.

At times I got confused about who's telling the story...... 3*

Nice going. A bit rushed on the confrontation with his wife and i hope he actually makes the professor suffer and doesn't just off him.

Great start.. can't wait for next segment.

Agree with Zoomdoggie. You do need someone to proofread and edit. If interested, please reach out.

DOL

F-14s haven't flown sine 2006. Unless you count the Iranian ones.

Great story line ,it hold most of our interest. but lets be real .his wife would turn on him and wish him dead knowing he is CIA and govt protected. Not realistic at all.she couldn't be that stupid! And all his hidden treasures how can he turn that into a trust. Not practical or legal. So other than that great story telling.😀

Hopefully in chapter two he can come to terms with his daughters death find some closer . Great story Thanks

great story

Good story overall, though the misusage of common basic firearms was annoying.

Clips vs magazines, please please please understand to people with a basic understanding of firearms that this is the literary equivalent to a nails scraping on a blackboard. Especially if you went to all the trouble to include manufacturers and models.

Also if you name the manufacturers and models of the firearms, the whole needing to mention semi-automatic Pistol is just making the paragraph more wordy superfluous then is necessary to the story. And you could've just stated "grabbed a few boxes of ammo for each gun."

counting the numbers of rounds, and not mentioning the carry weight of all this added to a backpack, was probably a little unwieldy of someone was watching him carry the backpack and gun cases.

Here is also a good resource to help give you an idea of typical load weights of ammunition. Bear in mind that 50 rounds of .50cal can weigh between 12 and 18 pounds depending on other loading factors

https://anthonyarms.com/gun/ammo-weight-chart/

Had to read it again! What a Great Story, Great Writing. Too many complainers about the Free Stories. So what if the author changes POV from 1st to 3rd person. So what if he mixes up clips and magazines. The story is Free, the writers aren't paid, yet this is a Great Great Read if you aren't looking for something to complain about! Thank You for the Great Effort my Friend! Very Exciting! Thanks, Buster2U

More please fantastic

Very good story. I don't know about the criticism from the gun culture group but it had little to distract from the story line. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Start, a real shame his daughter was killed.

Hope it continues to be a good read.

Another garbage story. Don't bother reading this.

Kick ass!

Really enjoying the story, but the continual flipping between first and third person is annoying.