Stupid lawyer, I would not hire a cloud surfer like this.
I enjoy his use of words and the words he doesn't use. He gets the job done without a loy of extra window dressing. This was amusing and a little sad. Thanks for all the work!
These characters bear a further exploration, I think. Yes, the story could end here, but the relationships can be explored in more depth following the chaos, yes?
Great idea, but the characters were made out to be yoo simple. Everybody that writes cheating stories now on this site try to make it so hard with theirs reasons and results it has become a competition between writers to see who has the silly story.
REVIEW the facts --The husband has been going thorugh hell for months. The wife has been involved is evil twisted soul crushing emasculating scheme.
Upon finding out that there was NO book... that the wife has been fucking someone else for Months... finding out this whole loooong drawn out agony is part of the wife 's scheme.. what does he do?
The husband asks the wife One last time
"Don't you want to save this marriage?" he asked. "I'm doing all the work, here."
is this like a fucking joke????
The coach stayed the same so the game plans were championship caliber but the actual execution of great ideas was borderline slipshod.
Shuttlepilot bears watching in future.The story theme of women twisting mass-think of daytime TV to fit personal agendas was incendiary ! The 2nd part with scenes of husband in counseling with wife held flashes of great promise.
I'll let other comments point out leigon of points for future improvement except for one. Please no more idealist heroes whose vocation is that of lawyer. It's kind of a oxymoron - that un'.
The story idea needed to be developed a bit more. Not that it's plot premise isn't good, for it really is (and I liked the "twist"). However, there is a distinct difference between intent and execution. The same issues that seemed to be part of Ch. 2, were present in this installment.
On the other hand, there is still a great potential that is waiting to be let loose.
For that reason, I did enjoy the story, at least until the end, where it sort of petered out.
Still, I will continue to read Pilot's latest submissions, as I suspect they'll only get better.
But, as others have said, the story line was too sketchy. At times it seemed more like an outline of the story. I suppose that last sentence is a bit harsh, but this could have been a much better story if it was fleshed out a bit more.
That said, the plot was pretty good, although I never felt the emotions from the Husband that I think you were trying to express.
I agree with HDK: You have a nice economy of words, and you generally pick the right ones to most succinctly convey what you wish to convey. This is far harder than most readers think, and it's the sign of someone with talent.
I also agree with HarryinVA: After hubby learns of the whole twisted scheme, he's still trying to give her one last shot at saving the marriage? When she confronts him angrily again, no less? Really? For fuck's sake . . . I mean, really?
Regarding the gibberish comments, I also agree with them, but they're easily rectified. The biggest obstacle to reading the entire piece was that you didn't separate the scenes with a line of ***** or +++++ or -----. That would've clued us in that the characters were now elsewhere in a different setting. While it may sound minor, it adds tremendously to the overall plot.
One final recommendaton: He learned of the cheating and then just moved on. Period. No reflection or anything. This gives up a lot of the emotional charge you spent two previous chapters building.
Still, I enjoyed this, and I hope you post something more soon.
everything in this chapter felt rushed. Wanna try again with more feeling... and editing?
I actually enjoyed the counselor. She was not your typical man hating, fault finding harridan bitch.
I believed the character of Jeanette and Eileen, strangely enough...as seperate people.
I liked his bout of trucker therapy.
I didn't like the maudaulin 'woe is me' attitude in the first chapter. His reactions seemed a bit ridiculous to me, and that tainted the whole story, IMO.
There are many other things to say about this story but you have to want to hear them. Send me a comment if you want to hear it.
the spider starts to spin another. TK U MLJ LV NV
There is more coming - I want to see it!
CH4. I know you are still around quit commenting on other stories and finish this one!
The ending was a great one too -
She was a pig and a slut and stoopid - malicious and vicious - the world cannot beat on her too much.
For him to walk into a relationship with 2 new awesome women who accept each other, too - woof dream come true heh - Oh and he is a successful, rich lawyer too lol -
and that is why were are here! gve it a 5 for entertainment. just a little more character development and conclusion might help - but hey this isn't a dickens novel, you did good.
At the end Jeannette and Eileen & Bill seem to be going on a Cruise. 1. How did the B!tch react to seeing 2 other women Smothering her guy .
2. How did everyone do afterwards. 3. How did Bill do personally and Professionally.
Your writing is very good, not withstanding other comments, e.g. Rehnquist. However I've difficulty with the wife's attitude throughout. She wanted to stay married didn't she. I mean, she followed him to the door screaming at him and was described by her friend as distraught. Surely she must realise that he hasn't cheated and therefore there's no way he's going to admit it. So where's plan b? Back off from a losing fight and reconcile - she can still keep her lover (much as I'd personally hate that!). But to push her marriage to the point of a divorce she doesn't want, while being given chance after chance by her husband just makes no sense. I've come to realise that too many LW stories really feature STUPID woman, and so i've deducted two stars. 3 stars for the writing. I hope to read more from you in the future.
This is a wonderful idea that you did not close properly. The story needed another chapter where her true nature would be brought out in the court one layer at a time.
What a sneaky conniving bitch ! He never cheated on her, this was a ploy. The gutter slut has been cheating on him for 3 years! How stupid is this husband, why didn't he think of that, obviously she was having an affair & just tried to flip the guilt onto him... Dumb & dumber
Another wimp. The bitch gets away too easily..
exactly is Joanne's motivation? She had it all. A loving husband who treats her well and is good in the sack, her disparaging comments notwithstanding. A lover whom she's been fucking for three years and about whom her husband is clueless. Why then does she provoke a needless confrontation at the end of which she loses both her husband and her lover? Did she have a death wish?
A sequel explaining Joanne's POV would be nice.
A huge freaking deal is made back and forth over the entirety of chapter 2 between the characters, about this book that she supposedly read that featured him in it. Yet the first thing that happens in Chapter 3 is her revelation that the book never existed, and that she's been cheating for the last 3 years.
Then of course there's him - she never admits outright that she violated her vows, yet the first thing he does is sleep with Jeanette and Eileen before the divorce is even granted? Despite all his simping about his personal values and how he wasn't raised that way? After all that, he has no clue that she actually cheated on him, and he goes and does the same thing? He basically pissed away his ethics. Nice to see a male lead character who is actually a little hypocritical and human, but yick. Great story otherwise, but two stars for the pointless side-trip into chapter 2. Had this been shortened to the first and third chapters, it would have been a lot better.
This final chapter doesn't seem to fit with the first two, I'm left with the feeling you rushed it so that you could finish it yet brought up things in this chapter that were at odds with things said in the previous chapters.
Disappointing would be how I rate this, I expected more of this chapter and feel you have let yourself down with it.
You made a big deal out of examining the feelings and emotions of three out of the four people involved (Jeanette got short changed in that regards and I'm not sure why she's on the cruise) and then, WHAM BAM, you end the story. Did you run out of ideas? I felt like I fell off a cliff with the abbreviated ending.
He gets two women and a new life in his 30's. fucking works for me.
The night of the tenth anniversary, there was a confrontation that you should have written out. Instead you spend a chapter and a half trying to get the reader to understand a conversation they never read. It really was unclear what her motives were. She was trying to get him to divorce her, but she wanted to fight it? Most of the story, you make it out to be a likely situation of her wanting her cake and eat it too, but then WHY didn't she keep her mouth shut? Why was she trying to provoke him? What was it she really hoped to gain?? If she was trying to fuck with his mind, in order to get him to accept becoming a willing cuckold, then she REALLY fucked that up, but also, it didn't really seem like her true intent. She seemed more like a stupid, selfish bitch who didn't KNOW what she wanted. We meander around in hubby's confused mind, waiting for him to figure things out, and slowly he does. But he doesn't seem all that bright either. So we are left with 3 chapters telling us that stupid people do stupid things and eventually even a stupid judge can see the overall stupidity and grant a stupid divorce so the stupid people can go off to do stupid things with OTHER stupid people. With skill you could have shrunk this down to two pages, conveyed the same exact message, and conserved a lot of energy for yourself while sparing your audience a lot of confusion.
My opponent has this guy as his lawyer. What a dumbass.
The whole 3 chapters were convoluted garbage that just went around in circles.
If you had a brain you could turn what you call convoluted garbage into a work of writing excellence.
Some people will never get it.
Enjoyable series...I liked your characters (even mild mannered Bill, who was a bit thick). Gotta wonder how he lasted so long with JoAnne, though...
fresh air, good company and the relaxing sea, and humpty will be back, but dumpty it is unknown, TK U MLJ LV NV
the marriage counselor.
and yes, his now ex wife did throw out everything
In ch.01 there is a book and JoAnne lends it to Jeanette
In ch.02 there is a book and JoAnne shows it to Dr. Hadley
But in ch.03 there is no book and JoAnne gloats about it to her lover
You fucked me up with this one. The wife was a cheating cunt who manufactured all her Oprah and The View bullshit. All to make her husband look like the bad guy. Well, he was a good guy and the cunt would up alone in the end.
Low score because you lied by omission about the whore and then rushed the ending.
This didn't seem to mold with the first two chapters....it seemed rushed and it didn't really explain the wives motives....than the court case was like 3 paragraphs...
but too many mistakes.The husband gets exasperated but then is too calm after he knows there was no book and that she's having an affair. She deserves to suffer but none of this is played out properly.He doesn't confront her. I gave you two stars but you could get 5 with a re-write and a proper finish to the story.
... but, man, was it disjointed at the end. I've read some stories that were rushed to a conclusion but this one just might take the cake.
Finish the story..You left me hanging..
The story had a few doses of reality to it. But, like iced tea left too long in the sun, it was just too watered down to still be tasty. For example, a lawyer (even a corporate lawyer) that doesn't suspect cheating when she starts all this crap, especially on their anniversary? No family involvement (his or hers) telling her what a stupid idiot she was being? And where was Philip's wife in all of this? I'm sure she would be very curious about a husband that 'took too long,' especially after she learned her spouse was a cheating, lying piece of shit. Best of luck on the next one.....
With no warning at all he quits the law firm, then he's going to the back and changing accounts??????? I'm sorry, I liked this for a while but the transitions need a lot of work!
But poor execution. Similar to other comments, it was difficult keeping up with the story line. No clear breaks, sudden and unexpected transitions and huge leaps in the story line and plot. I enjoyed the concept but would like to see this story much more refined.
Thanks and please keep writing (but get an editor next time).
The lawyer is written as if the writer only knows a housewives' world.
One thing I would think is that you got bored at the end and didn't know what to say. This chapter was in my humble opinion the most important one and at the end it got hard to follow through. It died out just as it got interesting. It really does need to be fleshed out more! Also in chapter two, we don't know why he up and dissolved his partnership.
Thanks for the offering....
seem to learn too late about forgiveness, TK U MLJ LV NV
Needed a better ending.
Jumped around by character, location, and scenes, without warning. Started out okay, even if pretty much unbelievable that a wife would castrate her husband just because of something Oprah said. Of course, if a wife that dumb existed, she would definitely be the type to watch Oprah and the View.
Transitions were horrible or non-existent. More importantly, the story itself didn't make a lot of sense. They had just started with the counselor when, the next morning, the husband starts closing cards and accounts as if the divorce was already decided. He's finally told his wife is cheating on him and he acts totally unconcerned. Then, after sleeping with his admin, he apparently is going to also be sleeping with his ex-wife's best friend??? I don't know, it was kinda hard to follow at the end. It's like the author was trying to say that, yeah, he's getting divorced from a sleazy wife, but he's so adorable that two women are fighting over him now and they finally decide they'll share! Fantasy time, I'm kinda surprised he didn't also win the state lottery.
The story was a bit like trying to work a jigsaw puzzle that's missing quite a few pieces.
She was already cheating on him and used the book and Oprah shit to throw him off so she could keep him off balance. BUT....he was a lawyer and should have seen SOMETHING WAS WRONG! As soon as she started that shit, he should have put a PI on her! Bad ending.
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