by tomthewriter
I think you could use a little more figurative language but good start
This is pretty good. You have good pacing and your transitions are not bad, a little rough, but not bad. I'd recommend you get an editor, but I think everyone should get a second set of eyes whenever they write anything. So far I'm really enjoying your story, especial how you mention the pics, but leave what they are pics of to our imagination. :-) -DC