an introduction from a budding Domme

Imagine my sense of accomplishment and subsequent disappointment at having waded through the monster thread in its entirety, only to discover that now BDSM has its own entire forum here! However, since I've been waiting to introduce myself for the past three weeks, I don't want to wait any longer. Please forgive me if I ask questions that are answered in other threads.

I suddenly find myself in my first relationship with a submissive man, and I have been slowly exploring my dominant tendencies (I was almost entirely vanilla up until now). I knew he was submissive before we got involved, so I at least had some idea of what I was getting into when we got together. It's been educational for the both of us (he has not been able to express his submissiveness in past relationships). At first I thought I might be submissive myself, or at least a switch, but the first time we played with me in that role I soon realized I wanted to jump up and hit him every time he had the temerity to give me an order -- no submissiveness here! Which is fine because, as I've said, he's sub and would only top to please me. The more I read about dominance the more it sounds like something I've had vague inclinations toward for a while but have never explored.

I have a bit of a problem with confidence and self-consciousness. He likes light pain and bondage; I'm terrified of hurting him. He is precious to me and I would feel awful if I did something wrong and ended up harming him mentally or physically. Most of the stuff he wants I can try on myself, but I can't handle the bondage because I have claustrophobia and the mere thought makes me feel sick. I'm worried I'll put him in an uncomfortable position and he won't tell me. I feel it would probably ruin the mood to be constantly asking him, "are you comfortable?" but at this point that's what I have to do because I'm so concerned about it. I'll check out the thread on BDSM links; I'm sure there's stuff on beginner bondage that would help me.

I'm self-conscious because I'm still new to this dominance thing and for the most part it feels like an act. He assures me I can't do anything wrong (following the guidelines he's given me, of course) but I can't help feeling illegitimate somehow. I'm thinking blindfolds might help with this one -- if he can't see me fumbling with the padlocks, for example, I won't worry so much about looking silly. Any other suggestions for gaining confidence?

A specific question about bondage: he's currently got a mattress in his bedroom with no bed frame or headboard. Any suggestions for ways to tie him down without being able to use such things? I've thought of running a chain or rope under the mattress itself, but otherwise I'm at a loss.

Thanks for all the wonderful insight thus far.

Lain

Welcome Lain =)
i'm sorry i have no answers to your questions... i just wanted to welcome you and say hi hi!

I can help, I think!

First of all, you will feel better if you read up on light bondage techniques.

Any of the links that are in this forum will help there.

I have found that using a progression of techniques at short intervals is best.

First, I start with putting my sub in a position I want him in and I tell him not to move no matter what I do to him.

This is something that you do not need rope or scarves for. Make sure you place him in a position tha the can maintain for at least 10 minutes. Any more than that andhe will fidgit or his limbs will get numb. Keep teling him that if he moves he will be punished. If he moves you will stop, etc.

Suggestions for positions:

On his hands and knees with his legs open, where you have access to his butt, asshole, and his balls and cock are dangling.

ON his back with his arms spreadeagled across th ebed. his knees up an dopen to you. You have access to everything. If you have his trust, you can blindfold him so he cannot see what you are doing.

You can tickle and tease, and do more if you are inclined.

I hope this helps.

Ebony

Hello Lain and welcome to this place. I cannot tell you how impressed i am at the will power you've demonstrated by actually making it through all 70-something pages of the monster.

And then to find this Forum, up and running.


An especially tender welcome to you, then, for the dismay and rueful chagrin you must have felt at discovering us all here at the end of your reading.

Lain said:

I have a bit of a problem with confidence and self-consciousness. He likes light pain and bondage; I'm terrified of hurting him. He is precious to me and I would feel awful if I did something wrong and ended up harming him mentally or physically.

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Lain, as you must know, everything we do with each other involves trust and communication and honesty. Without those flowing like a river between us and our partner, all we're doing is just kinky sex (not that there's anything wrong with "just" kinky sex), and some of it is indeed dangerous kinky sex.

With that trust, communication, and honesty we can grow a relationship of strength and fineness, opne that will last and weather all storms.

However, trust takes time to develop, doesn't it? It's something we have to work toward daily, in small increments, and never stop building. Communication between people who are new to each other is sometimes dicey, too, and always a thing of evolving ability. Honesty is perhaps the hardest of the three in a love relationship, since we want to please our partners and it's human nature (and even more true for most submissives) to want what they want, despite our own feelings.

In the beginning, we sometimes go slowly, in smaller increments, while we lay the foundation of those three attributes.

For now, Lain, you have to begin it. You have to trust that if he's uncomfortable, he'll tell you. You have to believe he'll communicate that to you, if you've asked it of him. And you have to accept the honesty of his responses to you, to what you do to him and with him, and not lay the ghost pattern of what *your* responses to that stimuli might be atop his reaction to the same thing.

Most of the stuff he wants I can try on myself, but I can't handle the bondage because I have claustrophobia and the mere thought makes me feel sick. I'm worried I'll put him in an uncomfortable position and he won't tell me.

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He has a "stop" word, does he not? What about a "slow down" word? What about both of those for the times he's gagged?

A stop word means: STOP RIGHT NOW. STOP EVERYTHING THIS INSTANT. UNBIND ME. LET ME LOOSE. I'M FREAKING OUT.

A slow down word means: It's almost too much. Slow it down, slow it down, slow it down now, please. Give me time to collect myself, time to breathe... but don't stop. Oh gods no, don't stoip entirely. Keep it going. Just slow it down for a couple minutes so i don't freak out.

Forever, i have used the ubiquitious words RED for stop and YELLOW for slow down. Additionally, for those gagged occasions, i've used that unambiguious middle finger salute, one middle finger for slow down, two for stop. I've been in situations where i was both gagged and unable to manipulate my middle fingers but that's advanced stuff, stuff that requires a lot of knowledge and familarity between the partners and not a situation in which i'd let someone put me unless i knew and trusted them with my life, literally.

I feel it would probably ruin the mood to be constantly asking him, "are you comfortable?" but at this point that's what I have to do because I'm so concerned about it.

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Ask a few times. We love the caring and concern and love we can feel flowing from you to us when we're bound in some tight or new way, and you lips whisper words of care into our ears, words to check on us, words to make us more secure, and words to help nudge us into that so-special subbie space in which just the two of us exist.

But don't ask too often.

Trust.
Trust that we'll tell you if it's going bad for us. Trust us to do that for you. It's our responsiblity to you. Allow us to uphold that, to be honest with you, for you. Don't take that from us, please.

I'll check out the thread on BDSM links; I'm sure there's stuff on beginner bondage that would help me.

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There are many really good stuff out there for beginners. Here are a couple of good links to bondage for beginners to get you going:

BDSM for Beginners (really good info on bondage)
http://blood-dance.net/bdsm/beginners.html

Bondage, or Ropes and Chains for Fun
http://www.strangeland.net/bdsm/bondage.html

I'm self-conscious because I'm still new to this dominance thing and for the most part it feels like an act. He assures me I can't do anything wrong (following the guidelines he's given me, of course) but I can't help feeling illegitimate somehow. I'm thinking blindfolds might help with this one -- if he can't see me fumbling with the padlocks, for example, I won't worry so much about looking silly. Any other suggestions for gaining confidence?

Click to expand...

I'm out of my depth with this one. The other Dom/mes here can be of real help to you in this, i think.

A specific question about bondage: he's currently got a mattress in his bedroom with no bed frame or headboard. Any suggestions for ways to tie him down without being able to use such things? I've thought of running a chain or rope under the mattress itself, but otherwise I'm at a loss.

Click to expand...

You can buy straps, long webbing straps, that fit around that mattress and have rings on which you can attach cuffs, for instance, or a collar, or a leash or whatever. If it's possible, you can affix eyebolts into the walls near his bed and use those.

I hope this will be of some help to you, Lain.
It's good to have you here.

Welcome Lain, as you see there are many here that will help you work thru your feeling.....They are some of the same ones I once had....Talk with him and as the trust build those feeling will be worked thru..

I agree with what has been said so far and also use the red yellow words....I think it is very important to have them in place if needed.

For a postion what about fastening something to the door....Writer Dom has talked about them in the past. They
go up over the door and can be made from dowl rods with leather or nylon webing for the strap and then to wrist cuffs.....work well....

Join in anytime.....Glad to hear from you.

Hello Lain and welcome

- PBW

Hello Lain and welcome!

Re: Re: an introduction from a budding Domme

cymbidia said:

Hello Lain and welcome to this place. I cannot tell you how impressed i am at the will power you've demonstrated by actually making it through all 70-something pages of the monster.

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It actually wasn't so bad. Being a college student (humanities major) I'm used to reading though quite a lot of dense information in a short amount of time. I found that thread to be a tremendous help in giving me a wide variety of viewpoints on different aspects of BDSM and allowed me to determine what I was comfortable with and what I was interested in.

One problem I've noticed in reading the thread is that, coming from my liberal feminist college student background, hearing a guy call a woman "my slave" sets my teeth on edge. It's a visceral reaction that I keep having to fight because I *know*, intellectually, that there's no reason to react that way. I know that women in such arrangements are perfectly sane and consenting people. But I wanted to apologize in advance if I say anything that sounds judgemental -- we all have our off days, I'm sure.

I love the emphasis on communication in the BDSM community. That was the thing my lover stressed the most when introducing me to this new world. As such, I feel comfortable talking to him about his needs and concerns. It's also helped the non-BDSM aspects of our relationship in that we are very communicative there, too. However, I must admit I find myself a bit more reluctant to talk about *my* doubts, as I get the impression the most important thing in a Dom/me is confidence. How can I project the appropriate presence if he knows how unsure of myself I am?

If I may take a moment to brag: my lover has been absolutely wonderful throughout this exploration. He has introduced me to things so slowly and carefully that it would never even occur to me to be frightened. And he has stressed above all that he will wait as long as necessary for me to become comfortable with something before we take it to the next level. (Gee, am I making him sound like a Dom or what?) I was pleased to see the emphasis on keeping the relationship first, the BDSM second. That allayed many of my initial concerns that BDSM would somehow make our relationship unequal.

Lain