How did you discover....

what was the right path for you?

I'm curious about the lifestyle. I've dabbled with a little bondage and very little D/s and know that I like it. The problem is, I don't know what role I like best or how to further advance (baby steps) in such a lifestyle.

I don't expect anyone to tell me exactly how or what to do. However, if you could explain with circumstances how you found your place in the lifestyle it would be very insightful.


Thanks

My answer from the Mother Thread:

How and why did i get started?
I've been actively sub since the begining of my first sexual relationship. I've always been sub. It does not mean i'm stupid or uneducated or cannot get/hold a good job. It means only that i'm sexually submissive.

How did i figure out that it turned me on?
My very first lover was Dom and recognized in me the need to submit, the willingness to bend, and the ache to offer my submission to one who knew how to use it to benefit us both. I was incredibly fortunate not to have lost years to pretending a sexuality that doesn't fit my deepest needs. I've been actively sub for more years than many Literoticians have been alive.

Thank you Cym for your reply, I have read that before in another of your posts. You seem to have been very fortunate to have experienced and learned your needs in the beginning. I would guess that most people are not as fortunate though. Assuming that the majority of people discover this later in their lives, that is the angle I'm really looking for here. When you've done something one way for so long but know it's not completely fulfilling, how do you go about figuring out what you need? That's the real angle I'm trying to get.

Please, Cym, don't take any offense. Your words that I have read here, in the "Mega" thread and on the GB have been extremely helpful and insightful. But for my situation, I just need a different perspective then you can offer.

This is my first post outside the general board, not that I've had so many there either.

I've always known I've had these inclinations and I've done lots of research online since that avenue's been available. It's only recently that I've begun to explore this part of my sexuality in real life.

I was lucky enough to meet someone with quite a bit of experience in taking both roles. He said he "got the vibe" from me, whatever that is, and then just had to get me to admit I wanted to try it. Good thing he's tenacious. I never thought I'd be able to do anything about it in real life. I find it hard to meet people at all, never mind meeting someone then asking if they want to tie me up and play with me.

Anyway, he's been very good about moving along at a slow pace. We've gotten together a few times and something new happens every time. Sometimes he asks me to write about what I'd like to try and he takes ideas from that. Sometimes he just suggests something before we get together to see how I'll react.

I think that's all you can do. Just try things a little bit at a time and see if they work for you.

I think I'm way too new at this to feel that I have a place in the lifestyle, and I don't even know if I want to define it that way for myself. Maybe I'm just occasionally kinky. We'll see.

Good luck. I'm sure someone around here will have some good answers.

Crap! That last response was me. I was logged on but I guess I took too long.

what was the right path for you?

Hrm....

Experimentation, plain and simple. For me that relationship I was in that "awakened" me was something of a voyage of discovery. I knew I had feelings and desires that fit into this lifestyle, but they're seemingly conflicting desires; My own path is that of the switch, a person who can enjoy both the obverse and reverse of the coin called BDSM. Each experience helped me to understand myself a little more.

'course, I'm still cripplingly shy IRL, and blush like crazy even talking to a girl I'm interested in.

boil it down, it's pretty much an individual thing though, this "path".

Have fun!

Caria Knight said:

what was the right path for you?

I'm curious about the lifestyle. I've dabbled with a little bondage and very little D/s and know that I like it. The problem is, I don't know what role I like best or how to further advance (baby steps) in such a lifestyle.

I don't expect anyone to tell me exactly how or what to do. However, if you could explain with circumstances how you found your place in the lifestyle it would be very insightful.


Thanks

Click to expand...

CK...

I understand your dilemma... having been there myself in the last few years... and still evolving....

The first thing I did was read everything I could find about BDSM... Wizard has saved you a lot of time by posting a multitude of links... Visit those web sites and read everything...

I then went to story sites (that's how I ended up here). I read all the stories I could find... Looked at what turned me on and off...

By the time I had done all of this, I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted and what I was looking for... I then went to alt.com and placed an personal ad... It still took me almost a year after that before I was ready to move from cyber and phone to real life...

That was over 6 months ago... I was lucky to have found my Dom here locally... and even now my needs are growing and evolving... For me it is an ongoing process...

The bottom line for me is that I would not be where I am today, if I had not made the move from cyber to R/L...

I hope this in someway helps you....

It found me!



At about the same time as I was reading the mega thread, lurking as if I were a teen ager looking at her parent's magazines, I was building an online freindship with a lovely man. I also was involved in real time with someone who helped me to discover some of my kinky tendencies.

The thread, the new friend who is a Dom, and my ex bf all fed me the idea. Then I stumbled upon a story here, called the "Weekend" and found myself very aroused, intrigued and could not stop thinking about the story.

Research began, my on line friend offered me guidance and information, the thread and my friends here assisted and when I felt ready, I posted a personal ad.

I met someone special, shared a breif albeit enlightening and intense relationship with Him and here I am.

The relationships and freinds I have been involved with have been the most instrumental piece of this exploration. This is secondary only to a lot of introspect and thought concerning my own needs. Realizing what I enjoyed and what I needed, then finding a means by which to meet those needs has been and will be a never ending process.

How to move forward

I am dom in Michigan.

I knew I was "different" from the time I was about 15.
I did not know that there was a name for it or a lifestyle till I saw the movie "The Story of O". I ran out got the book and learned a ton from the 2 introductions in the book.

There is a difference between BDSM and D/s. I am intothe D/s with a emphises on psychological domination.

My advice....find a mentor even if they are only online.
A good Dom will reach into U mind and take U were U want to go.

Richard
ask@gtii.com

I think i've always known on some level that i was a submissive, even before i knew what a submissive was. Throughout much of my adult life, i dreamed and fantasized about finding the perfect Master, who would know me better than i know myself.

After doing a great deal of research, i finally took the plunge and placed my first personal ad. I wasn't quite sure what to expect and was actually scared to death by some of the replies i received.

Then one day, i met the most amazing man online. He did know me better than i knew myself He recognized my need to be a submissive and has nutured and cared for me ever since. Our relationship continues to grow and evolve as we learn more and more about ourselves and each other.

I know, it sounds like a fairy tale with a " and they lived happily ever after" ending. But believe it or not, it's true and we will be married this coming June.

Good things do happen to good people.

For me it is on ongoing journey - and one I hope I never reach the end of!

I first met a man when I was around 19/20 (he was 22/23), and he and I did a lot of experimentation. I don't think either one of us really knew what we were doing, but we trusted each other enough to talk openly and to communicate what felt good, what was hurting, what to stay away from. He eventually married the girlfriend he had at the time, and I figured he was out of my life.

But I never forgot the times we had together. And when I would ask other partners to do the things we did, that was when I learned that others thought what we did was extremely kinky, and they had difficulty understanding how I could feel comfortable - even desire - being placed in (what they considered) a demeaning position. I learned to keep quiet, or slowly introduce various "watered down" versions of things I had done earlier.

Then, when I was in my early 30s, this man who I knew at 19 called to say he was no longer with his wife, and wanted to see me. Our sexual relationship was revived, but by then he had learned quite a few things. He was my first Dom, and the relationship was one of the most satisfying ever. It was through him that I realized that 1. I was submissive sexually, and 2. that what I desired was not demeaning or insultive to women.

Unfortunately, the relationship didn't last, and we went our separate ways. I've always wanted to have another relationship such as that one, but due to trust and open communication being so very important, I've been cautious about who I share this with in RL and very selective about a potential Dom.

Thankfully, I can enjoy "vanilla" sex as well!

The Dilemna

...and it TRULY is one.Usually,...no matter how we perceive ourself,...the TRUTH is masked by *FEAR*.Fear is what CONTROLS most folks,...the fear of failure,rejecton,etc.

I have said this SO many times,...it breaks my heart,...but you need to OVERCOME your fear,...expose your TRUE wants and needs in a RESPONSIBLE manner and reach out for what YOU want.

Don't expect anyone else to do it for you,...as in your FANTASIES!

Use CAUTION,...excercise patience,and GET WITH IT! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~*C*O*M*M*U*N*I*C*A*T*E*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For me it was a matter of how excited I was getting during sex and what I was fantasizing about while masturbating. One day I more or less sat down and thought it all through and came to the somewhat scary conclusion that I liked being dominated by men. Scary because that was very much at odds with my personal and political ideologies (strong independent feminist). But as I experimented with lovers I began to find that there is also power in the submissive role, sexually speaking. And how much it can turn me on to be a strong and in-control kind of chick outside the bedroom and for my lovers to know what I'm like once I'm alone and in there.

I have moved beyond wanting to get my lovers interested in bondage and trying submission and am slowly feeling out what it would be like to be in a bsdm relationship. Hopefully all will progress in a healthly and safe manner.

How did I discover

well, I was a wee lad, and I was taken underwing and taught about domination by a sub...she exposed me to both sides of the lifestyle and we found I had an aptitude for being a Dom. It wasn't long before I was very comfortable in the situation and I haven't looked back since.

So far as I can remember, it's always been a part of my sexual self, even before I had the vocabulary to express or explore it. As I get older, learn more, and understand myself and my relationship more fully, it grows to occupy a larger space in my sexual identity.

I've given up questioning why, much as I've stopped trying to determine if it makes me weird/deviant/freakish/etc somehow. It is, it brings me happiness and sexual fulfillment, and that's what matters.

Thank you all for your answers, it's been very insightful.

an interesting thought i came across reading this... for those who realised they were interested in some aspect of BDSM at a younger age, or those who've found it since did any BDSM practices come into your life as a child?

as a kid i liked to tie up my little brother. anytime mom wasn't home to tell us off. the real reason i liked doing it tho, was as payback, and to prove that i wasn't doing anything "majikal" i'd teach him how to tie me up. not only did it make him feel that he wasn't just being bossed around by his big sister, i liked being tied up. i never thought about this in a sexual way at the time, i hardly knew what sex was at the time.

has anyone else acted out in their childhood, what has become sexual practice in adulthood?

How about a slightly different and completely unexpected perspective?

How I knew I wasn't submissive:

I've always been while not exactly submissive, at least wishing to have the control stripped from me. I'm a control freak. A boyfriend and I decided to try some mild pseudo-bondage. Rope was wrapped around my wrists and the headboard then tied with a slip knot that I could undo myself. He gave me a few sexual commands, you know spread your legs, move your butt, that kind of thing. He wasn't even rude about it. I went nuts and attacked him.

I know I have the capability of being submissive. I was a good sailor in the Navy (though that's completely different) and I am quiet and withdrawn by nature. I am not a submissive.

How I knew I wasn't dominant:

I picked up a different boyfriend some time later. He was submissive. If he hasn't killed himself then he's probably hooked up with a Domme by now. He could not do anything sexually that required him to take control of the situation. I was very domineering so it seemed to be ideal at the time. There is a major difference between Dominant and domineering. I'm afraid that I started resenting him, had no respect for him, and eventually started actively hating him. There was nothing that I could ask him to do that he didn't find to humiliating or painful.

I wasn't very smart back then because I didn't end the relationship soon enough. I should have stopped it as soon as I started resenting him. I never physically abused him, though I believe that I did mentally abuse him. He says I didn't, that he enjoyed our time together and wished it had lasted longer, but as far as I'm concerned, the way I behaved was abusive because it did not have him or his interests in mind.

I am a control freak and I am a domineering person. I am not a dominant.

Perhaps this might be of assistance, though it was not what you were looking for?

On a completely unrelated note, please don't comment here, I find it very interesting that my entire relationship with the StudMuffin has pretty much been a lengthy jockeying for dominance.

Unregistered said:

an interesting thought i came across reading this... for those who realised they were interested in some aspect of BDSM at a younger age, or those who've found it since did any BDSM practices come into your life as a child?

as a kid i liked to tie up my little brother. anytime mom wasn't home to tell us off. the real reason i liked doing it tho, was as payback, and to prove that i wasn't doing anything "majikal" i'd teach him how to tie me up. not only did it make him feel that he wasn't just being bossed around by his big sister, i liked being tied up. i never thought about this in a sexual way at the time, i hardly knew what sex was at the time.

has anyone else acted out in their childhood, what has become sexual practice in adulthood?

Click to expand...

I was obsessed with spanking when I was a kid. I would bring it up in conversation with other kids all the time, trying to elicit info from them about punishments they got at home. My own parents would threaten spankings but rarely delivered. When I was about 12, I went fishing with my uncle and cousin, and when we misbehaved, my uncle gave us both quick OTK spankings. I obsessed on the memory, and the first time I ever ejaculated, it was lying over the pillows in my bed at night, reliving the experience.
When I was 16 I became involved sexually with an older neighbor man, and I semi-deliberately provoked him into spanking me one day, and after that it was part of our sex-play. So I would say that this part of my sexuality grew directly from childhood fantasies.
And before anyone asks, yes I understand the impropriety of my relationship with a grownup while i was a minor, and I dont condone any such thing now.

Discovering the right path?

It discovered me......

As you can see I'm new here, but this subject just hit me so hard, pardon my pun.
I am a sub and have only know this for the last few years. And only because of the computer. I have been very fortunate to be a in loving marriage with a wonderful husband/Dom.. I am only just finding out how much of a wonderful Dom he is. When we met 14 years ago. I was soo sexally repressed. He over the evolution of our marriage has brought forth my submissivness. I've gone from the sexually repressed to the wanton slut that loves to pleasure. We think of ourselves as beginners in this lifestyle.... He and i have so much to learn and a lifetime in which to do it.

When I went off to college at age 18, it was the beginning of a scary self discovery that continue today at age 28. This was the first time I had really been away from home, even though it was only 40 miles away. Sex- what a scary topic for the girl. I was raped and abused all by the time I was 15 years old.
And since then, I was consumed with the idea of sex. I had a high school sweetheart that I spent my time with during college. But there was a deep emptiness within my gut. I knew wanted to learn about life. I met an older woman from Chicago and was mesmerized by her stories of the big city. This woman was beautiful, she had been a dancer and was now into
photography. We would sit together, smoke, drink, and talk for hours about life. She was kinky. She loved sex. She loved leather. She had books on whipping, rope torture. All the BDSM things but then i had no idea what BDSM was. She took me to BDSM clubs, gay bars, and play parties. I was
enthralled with the spirit of this woman. Soon I began participating in group activities. Usually Iwas touched and fondled. Sometimes I was bound and spanked lightly. Oh my God! It was like a part of me died and was reborn. I have never felt pleasure like that. And before I knew it, she was my Mistress and I loved Her. I was a submissive. I did not even realize what this was for a long time. I only saw the sexual aspect of the lifestyle due to me immaturity. But it opened my eyes to a brand new world.
I continued my quest to read all the material I could. I now know the facets to such a relationship. I know the difference between kinky sex and D/s.
Today I am a Switch.

Any new discovery stories from the new folks who haven't already shared their stories?

PBW

I would be interested in hearing how some of our married couples found their path.

I do believe that they have a much greater chance at fulfillment in entering the journey together after already having established a loving and trusting relationship.

So please, feel free to share.

For myself, I have known what I like from the start but didn't have the words to place with it, and just thought I was completely weird. Anyways after reading on the Internet and speaking with Dom/mes and subbies I realized that it was a part of me. The reading of stories also helped me. I've done alot of reading and research in the past 5 years or so and a little experimenting to know that it isn't just a fantasy, and that I do enjoy it r/l as well.

It took me a long time to admit it. A better word...embrace it. 12 years of unhappiness in a marriage, many failed relationships in which THEY wanted me to run the show. How did I finally step UP? A bold and interesting man who took me where I always knew I was willing to go...An online Dom who took me places in my heart I would never look...reading everything I could find...and a best friend (male) who is Dom, who lets me in His head.....and thereby shows me mine. It satisfies far more than life did "before."