sometimes not sure... and i'm searching...

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vixenshe said:

Hi everyone.. I'm new to Lit, and I'm not all that experienced in BDSM.. but I'd like to learn more.. I know what I like so far, and I know what I don't like. However, I find that I can't seem to classify myself as any one thing, as I have tendencies to all of them. I'm with a wonderful guy right now who finds my moods a turn on, but is not dominant enough for those days when I'm submissive. I know, I'm confusing, and I have trouble dealing iwth it... can anyone help? Any suggestions on learning, or on how I can find out what I truly am? I know I sound ridiculous, and I'm sorry, but Im' hear to learn, and I'm sure you could all give me some advice.

What I do like (as I posted elsewhere) is:
-blindfolds, cloth gags, ropes, handcuffs, some strange positions
-being told not to make noise, sometimes being called dirty names.
-being choked, but only by a loving, trusted partner.

other times I like
-being in control, ordering someone into a position so that I can satisfy myself with their body
-scratching my partners with my nails
-biting (and being bitten, especially on the neck)

And then there are the days when I jsut want to please my partner in a mutual, loving way.. where it can be either violent or gentle on BOTH parts...

However.. here's where the oddness comes in, for me.. I hate humiliation stuff.. I think that a man ejaculating on my face is insulting (I just feel like I'm being degraded, although I do swallow), being hit across the face or about the head.

I was brutally raped almost a year ago, which is when all the confusion began.. it was date rape, and we had been sleeping together beforehand, and it was generally energetic, lightly violent sex (scratching, biting, choking, the like). I get really confused with my moods... can anyone help?

Thank you,
Vix

Click to expand...

Have you read any of the books etc. on BDSM?

Have you really looked at what a D/s relationship can be?

Do you journal?

Have you had rape counsoling?

Richard

Hi vixenshe,

I am Miss T. It is very nice to meet you

A few thoughts:

First, don't worry too much about "classifying" yourself. If you please your boyfriend and he pleases you, the labels don't matter. When you desire a different approach from him, it is best to talk about....soemtimes, guide him in the heat of the moment.

As far as information goes, Wizard has a thread of links on this forum. I believe they cover everything from information to those who are new or exploring to different activities and how to be safe.

Castlerealm.dom is a nice place to start for quick reference.

Oh, and Richard brings up a good point. Whether through counseling or healthy introspect, you really need to have an understanding of the impact of the rape. We all react differently to rape and need to be emotionally healthy before engaging in S and M practices, in particular. Too many practices can bring vivid recollection of rape....and could cause you more pain, than pleasure .....

Please, make sure your head is in the right space....that you have dealt with and continue to deal with issues surrounding rape in a healthy, enlightening manner.

*hugs* to you. pm me if you want to chat.

vixen,

Richard & MissT make a good point--make sure that you address the impact of the rape on your sexual self, lest BDSM only lead you into unpleasant experiences that you couldn't have foreseen.

With that addressed, do lots of reading and discussion with your partner. Wizard's link thread is a good place to start. A quick search on "BDSM" on Amazon.com will get you an interesting list of books to look at as well. Don't feel like you have to classify yourself, or that you can only identify with one label or one way of being.

It's a journey, and the end cannot be known. Enjoy it, don't let the mystery cause you hurt--instead, let it bring you the expectant excitement of joys not yet discovered.

Be Well,
RS

Vixenshe-
I don't think you sound ridiculous at all. The issue of level of dominance/submission is an issue in almost every BDSM relationship. The only solution is communication. Remember that relationships evolve. Don't expect your husband to just jump into things, give him time.
And I want to second the advice given by Richard, MissTaken, and RisiaSkye in regard to your rape. BDSM can never take the place of therapy, and you must be very careful in practicing BDSM if you have unresolved issues involving violence or abuse.
I have posted about this elsewhere on the board, but I will bring it up again and hope no one minds. I had to end my relationship with my submissive who I loved very much, because our practice of BDSM was harmful to her because she had unresolved childhood abuse issues. Again,I cant advise you enough to be very careful in this area.
But I dont want to be a downer, I hope you and your husband find great joy exploring together!

Yes, James.

I tried to find the thread that this issue came up in and couldn't.

I was hoping to post the link...no luck!


Do you know where it is?

MissTaken said:

Yes, James.

I tried to find the thread that this issue came up in and couldn't.

I was hoping to post the link...no luck!


Do you know where it is?

Click to expand...

yes, it was the thread you started titled "When It Is Over"www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=71755

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Jornaling

There is NOTHING that replaces journaling.

I would say that councoling is important whatever the issue. To many wait to long......

Jornaling is something that can be done now no matter what...all it takes is pen and paper.

In my herb practice I read a lot of not only herb information but also mainstream medicince...study after study shows just how important journaling is to healing. This also been proven in 12 step programs.

My herb pratice is based on the ABC+D philosphy. The "A" stands for activate...activate the body and the mind. Journaling is one tool that helps activate both emotional and physical healing.

Richard

The original question: An instrumental part of my recognizing my needs and exploring the possibilities has been the close friendships of some who are experienced in the lifestyle.

These freinds are quick to answer questions, offer insight and share their experiences. They are also very supportive when I have found myself in a "funk."

*blows kisses around the room*

There are no silly questions or thoughts to share, feel free to rely on us or anyone that you know in the lifestyle.

The second issue: I am sorry for bringing it up again, but my heart goes out to you. Anniversaries, good and bad, are so important to our psyche that I empathize and offer you more hugs.

Having personal and professional experience with rape, again...please, pm me if you would like.

If your bf likes the moods you have.You could emphasize the mood everyday so he can tell how you feel.Or let him know somehow.Mood swings are hard to deal with sometimes.I have them, but i have learned to control the worst over the years.

As for personallity, there is no control in this department.
If your personallity changes with your moods, you may want to seek professional help.There is medicine for this.It gets worse over the years.

On Aplil 16 i would go out and find something extreme to do like whitewater rafting, parachute jumping, cliff climbing.
Something that realy gets your adrenaline going.
As the years go by, the memories of the extreme fun overide the bad experiance.

Adrenaline has long term affects(Permanent) on the mind.
From personal experiance this method works.
Even if you wanted to remember that date, the other experiances will be there clogging up the memory.

This is just a sugestion for self-help because it looks like you want to handle it on your own without counseling.
You can get counseling over the phone without telling them who you are.
I hope some other people here help you with this problem.
You can never get too many sugestions.
I would like to say thanks to the other people that has posted to this thread with concern for this person.
Good luck with your BDSM future vixenshe!
P.S.
I think when you change from Dom to sub back and forth, it is called being a switch.

There's a thread called After reading switch space...

This would probably be some good reading for you.

I think it's on page 4.
Damn, already 4 pages on the BDSM Talk Board!

The one called Switch Space too!

.

hi vixenshe

I am so very very sorry for what has happened to you. My heart aches for the pain and leaps for joy at the progress you are making at the same time. And you are making incredible progress in recovering from such a traumatic assault.

As a former sex abuse counselor (not therapist) I just feel the need to express outrage at the experiences you've had in the field of counseling! The breech of confidentiality was totally out of line and the questions asked and responses you received by the male counselors was not only inappropriate but damaging! I am still absolutely fuming, steaming angry to hear of this happening to someone as they reach out for assistance.

I am recognizing a pattern similar to my own in your past. I can honestly say that had I been speaking to you as a counselor one of the first things I would have explored with you would be your support system. It sounds to me like you have a great support system including an awesome man! It also sounds like you already recognize this. I would also want to let you know that what you are going through are perfectly natural reactions to a terrible action that another person who you trusted committed against you.

I know you hinted that you were hoping to address the original question, but I strongly feel that these two issues are linked. From my prospective, I've always known deep down that I am a sexually submissive woman, however I've often wondered if this is originally based from childhood abuse. As for also wanting to dominate: at times in my past I've not felt comfortable (for reasons of an upcoming anniversary, triggers, insecurities, or whatever else may have been going on) giving up control of my body to someone else. But, I also didn't want to give up sex...that would be continuing to give my perpatrators control of me...and just because we've been abused does not mean we are not sexual beings even kinky beings. But we can definately be confused beings at times. I may be way off base here, but this is just the first possibility that popped into my head after reading the posts on this thread.

I am so happy that you are being able to enjoy some of the activities that you used to. This, to me, means that you are taking control back of your life. Yet can add to the confusion of taking control for yourself while giving control to another.

You are an incredible woman! And very brave for trying to figure it all out.

Sorry for going on and on. I'd love to offer any assistance that I can in helping you. Feel free to pm me if you'd like.

Best wishes and love to you!!!

ps I was excited to read the referral to a previous thread and I'm going there next! Thanks for that!