Hello, all!
First, an introduction, then a rather awkwardly phrased explanation/justification, then a question. Please bear with me. I've started a new thread here. Hope no one minds.
First off, just want to say that while the whole BDSM lifestyle fascinates me, I can't say that I have any real experience with it. I've read extensively, including your own Monster/Momma/Mondo thread. (Only at page 33 of 135 of that beastie! There was so much good info in it, I had to slow down and let some of it digest. Simply too much to retain all at once.) I've dabbled in it, especially with light restraints, spanking, wax play and the like, but I don't feel like that means all that much. I didn't consider that to be practising BDSM. Rather it was just me enjoying doing the things I liked to do with a willing woman. All of this to say that while I have a working theoretical knowledge of the scene, I know very little from a practical standpoint. In my view, it's hands on that matters, not the book learning.
Relatively recently I had a relationship with a woman who was very much into the scene. The sex was great, and she opened my eyes to what BDSM really could mean. The first thing she taught me was "Less is More." Reading some of the literature available, one would think that every sex session has to be intense, always incorporating a plethora of toys and torture devices that would take an entire walk-in closet to store. Never crossed my mind that she'd find me cutting her meat for her in an expensive restaurant, then feeding it to her one morsel at a time with my fingers to be exciting and to be 'practising BDSM'. Not until she explained to me how strict her parents were about proper table manners and etiquette. Me forcing her to do even this small thing in a public setting, this act that went against many years of conditioning, excited her terribly. This concept I could readily grasp.
The second thing she taught me, the thing that bothers me to this day in some ways, was an observation she made on night while in bed. We'd just finished having sex when she rolled over and, while stroking my cheek, said that I was definitely a Dominant because I lacked the strength to be a submissive.
!?!
I was totally floored. Not by me being Dominant, which I figured out on my own, but by the whole strength/weakness thing. Didn't understand her at all. Sorry to say, the more she tried to make me understand her, the more confused -- and angrier! -- I became. This reaction, she said, just reinforced her point.
I'll try to recap some of the major points of our "discussion" here. Maybe some of you can help me figure this stuff out:
1- My strength is tied into the person I'm with. She noticed that left by myself, I am pretty easygoing, and casual about a lot of things. I don't push myself forward unless someone crosses me. However, when I'm with a girlfriend, I'm very protective of them, and of myself. Not in a boasting, tough-guy way, but in a stern, firm way. For example, in restaurants I'll put up with bad service and will rarely complain. As long as I eat, it really doesn't matter. Same scenario but with a date, and I'll ask to see the manager and make a complaint. I hate to see someone I'm with taken advantage of, or made unhappy. That spurs me to action.
In her mind, I have this "Must Protect, Must Cherish" thing going on. She liked that about me, actually! I just don't see how that means my strength is tied to anyone else. She made it sound like I was an invertebrate otherwise, and only developed a spine when with a woman I'm screwing.
2- I easily give commands, and expect them to be obeyed. I'm often shocked when people don't do what I say. Although I usually do get my way because my orders are logical, beneficial, apparent or what-not, she notices that I hate to be challenged. I'm also very charismatic, and people almost instinctively trust me and the things I say.
I ran a shop for over eight years. I had a staff of ten. It was my job to give people orders! I never considered this trait to be indicative of a Dominant personality. Is it? And yeah, if an employee got lippy with me, of course I'd be put off. Who wouldn't? The way she phrased it, though, made me think that she saw me as someone who would sulk if he wasn't obeyed.
3- I have to be in control of everything, and at all times. I need to feel that all events are within my sphere of influence, and that I can make things easier for those I care about by force of will alone. When things beyond my control manifest, I don't know how to deal with them. I have difficulty acknowledging the perverseness of the Cosmos.
Didn't know what to say to that. I imagine no one likes things bad things to happen to them! I hate surprises. She seemed to think that I'd never learned how to let go, go with the flow, and ride things out. Are all Dominants control-freaks? That is what I gleaned from this point. Don't know if I agree.
4- The final point I'll bring up, seeing how long this bloody post is already, is the last one she raised. I have a marked lack of trust in people, which ties directly into points 2 and 3, and to a lesser extent, 1. I need to control everything because no one else can be trusted to do so. I give commands because others would feel lost without them. My natural aggressiveness is triggered when those in "my charge" are threatened somehow, because I feel them incapable of dealing with threats themselves. Since I feel that they are incapable of taking care of themselves, I assume the Dominant role, to protect them from the world.
Well, we discussed these points, and others, through most of the night. In the morning she left, but the questions remain. Am I really like that? Is this what being a Dominant entails?
If it is, I don't want it!
Done a lot of soul searching since that night. Some of the behaviours she describes are bang-on, but her reasons behind them are way of the mark. So, after all of this blathering, I'll ask my question:
Do all submissive people feel deep-down that Dominants are intrinsically flawed, weak individuals who boss around those who they feel are their inferiors in order to feed some hidden need inside them? Do they secretly feel that since submissive people bend like the reed in the torrential floodwaters and go with the flow, they are stronger than those brittle, rigid oak-like Dominants who are doomed to have their trunks snapped in twain or to be uprooted and washed away?
-T
First, an introduction, then a rather awkwardly phrased explanation/justification, then a question. Please bear with me. I've started a new thread here. Hope no one minds.
First off, just want to say that while the whole BDSM lifestyle fascinates me, I can't say that I have any real experience with it. I've read extensively, including your own Monster/Momma/Mondo thread. (Only at page 33 of 135 of that beastie! There was so much good info in it, I had to slow down and let some of it digest. Simply too much to retain all at once.) I've dabbled in it, especially with light restraints, spanking, wax play and the like, but I don't feel like that means all that much. I didn't consider that to be practising BDSM. Rather it was just me enjoying doing the things I liked to do with a willing woman. All of this to say that while I have a working theoretical knowledge of the scene, I know very little from a practical standpoint. In my view, it's hands on that matters, not the book learning.
Relatively recently I had a relationship with a woman who was very much into the scene. The sex was great, and she opened my eyes to what BDSM really could mean. The first thing she taught me was "Less is More." Reading some of the literature available, one would think that every sex session has to be intense, always incorporating a plethora of toys and torture devices that would take an entire walk-in closet to store. Never crossed my mind that she'd find me cutting her meat for her in an expensive restaurant, then feeding it to her one morsel at a time with my fingers to be exciting and to be 'practising BDSM'. Not until she explained to me how strict her parents were about proper table manners and etiquette. Me forcing her to do even this small thing in a public setting, this act that went against many years of conditioning, excited her terribly. This concept I could readily grasp.
The second thing she taught me, the thing that bothers me to this day in some ways, was an observation she made on night while in bed. We'd just finished having sex when she rolled over and, while stroking my cheek, said that I was definitely a Dominant because I lacked the strength to be a submissive.
!?!
I was totally floored. Not by me being Dominant, which I figured out on my own, but by the whole strength/weakness thing. Didn't understand her at all. Sorry to say, the more she tried to make me understand her, the more confused -- and angrier! -- I became. This reaction, she said, just reinforced her point.
I'll try to recap some of the major points of our "discussion" here. Maybe some of you can help me figure this stuff out:
1- My strength is tied into the person I'm with. She noticed that left by myself, I am pretty easygoing, and casual about a lot of things. I don't push myself forward unless someone crosses me. However, when I'm with a girlfriend, I'm very protective of them, and of myself. Not in a boasting, tough-guy way, but in a stern, firm way. For example, in restaurants I'll put up with bad service and will rarely complain. As long as I eat, it really doesn't matter. Same scenario but with a date, and I'll ask to see the manager and make a complaint. I hate to see someone I'm with taken advantage of, or made unhappy. That spurs me to action.
In her mind, I have this "Must Protect, Must Cherish" thing going on. She liked that about me, actually! I just don't see how that means my strength is tied to anyone else. She made it sound like I was an invertebrate otherwise, and only developed a spine when with a woman I'm screwing.
2- I easily give commands, and expect them to be obeyed. I'm often shocked when people don't do what I say. Although I usually do get my way because my orders are logical, beneficial, apparent or what-not, she notices that I hate to be challenged. I'm also very charismatic, and people almost instinctively trust me and the things I say.
I ran a shop for over eight years. I had a staff of ten. It was my job to give people orders! I never considered this trait to be indicative of a Dominant personality. Is it? And yeah, if an employee got lippy with me, of course I'd be put off. Who wouldn't? The way she phrased it, though, made me think that she saw me as someone who would sulk if he wasn't obeyed.
3- I have to be in control of everything, and at all times. I need to feel that all events are within my sphere of influence, and that I can make things easier for those I care about by force of will alone. When things beyond my control manifest, I don't know how to deal with them. I have difficulty acknowledging the perverseness of the Cosmos.
Didn't know what to say to that. I imagine no one likes things bad things to happen to them! I hate surprises. She seemed to think that I'd never learned how to let go, go with the flow, and ride things out. Are all Dominants control-freaks? That is what I gleaned from this point. Don't know if I agree.
4- The final point I'll bring up, seeing how long this bloody post is already, is the last one she raised. I have a marked lack of trust in people, which ties directly into points 2 and 3, and to a lesser extent, 1. I need to control everything because no one else can be trusted to do so. I give commands because others would feel lost without them. My natural aggressiveness is triggered when those in "my charge" are threatened somehow, because I feel them incapable of dealing with threats themselves. Since I feel that they are incapable of taking care of themselves, I assume the Dominant role, to protect them from the world.
Well, we discussed these points, and others, through most of the night. In the morning she left, but the questions remain. Am I really like that? Is this what being a Dominant entails?
If it is, I don't want it!
Done a lot of soul searching since that night. Some of the behaviours she describes are bang-on, but her reasons behind them are way of the mark. So, after all of this blathering, I'll ask my question:
Do all submissive people feel deep-down that Dominants are intrinsically flawed, weak individuals who boss around those who they feel are their inferiors in order to feed some hidden need inside them? Do they secretly feel that since submissive people bend like the reed in the torrential floodwaters and go with the flow, they are stronger than those brittle, rigid oak-like Dominants who are doomed to have their trunks snapped in twain or to be uprooted and washed away?
-T
