were do you go to play?

Have you been to a fetish/BDSM affair?

Why / why not?


what have been your experiences; concerns, etc about attending events. I don't know what happens over in the states but I have attended a Torture Garden event plus local events here in the UK.

I'd be interested to hear if anyone had been to the Skin Two Rubber Ball or any other big events - what did you wear? did you go alone? what was it like?

I've found that alot of UK events are populated by the depressing goth crowd - if you are not wearing black and are white skinned and miserable looking you can't come in!!!

Is this experience shared by anyone else?

Loacl munch meets and partys for us................A bdsm store when we find them......There is a cool on here in Pittsburgh..

petrel said:

I've found that alot of UK events are populated by the depressing goth crowd - if you are not wearing black and are white skinned and miserable looking you can't come in!!!

Is this experience shared by anyone else?

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Hey, dammit, I resemble that remark. And frankly, I'm tired of the crap spewing about the "goth crowd." So, please forgive me if this gets my hackles up--it's nothing personal so much as it's an expression of my general irritation at some of the ways I've been talked about and treated because I was perceived as "goth."

I've always wondered--how can it be that wearing black, listening to particular kinds of music, and being pale can so freak out a group of people who are into the things that we in this forum share?

People never cease to amaze me. And often not in particularly positive ways.

I have belonged several BDSM clubs in my area, and I have attended a number of major events including Vicious Valentine in Chicago, Beat Me In St Louis, and Black Rose in Washington DC.
I enjoy public play myself, and watching others. Also, these big events all have excellent demos and discussion groups.

I would like to, but haven't yet. Someday I'll meet the right woman who will help me to the next levels.

I've played in private and public dungeons in and around San Diego and San Francisco in California, like Castlebar. Many years ago, i spent three years in Europe, most of it concentrated in the Frankfurt area in Germany and in Amsterdam; while there i played in mostly private places there since public play spaces weren't widely accepted or available. I've played in a lot of people's houses over the years, too, at private parties.

I've been to the Casto Street Fair which is *not* a specifically BDSM affair but nonetheless has always had an immediately visible BDSM element to it.

In San Francisco, and already on my calendar for this year, is the Dore Alley Fair in July, Lady Thorn's Bizarre Flea Market and the Byzantine Bazaar (both in August), and the Folsom Street Fair in September. I plan to attend the big events/parties that happen in my neck of the woods.

Re: Re: were do you go to play?

RisiaSkye said:

Hey, dammit, I resemble that remark. And frankly, I'm tired of the crap spewing about the "goth crowd." So, please forgive me if this gets my hackles up--it's nothing personal so much as it's an expression of my general irritation at some of the ways I've been talked about and treated because I was perceived as "goth."

I've always wondered--how can it be that wearing black, listening to particular kinds of music, and being pale can so freak out a group of people who are into the things that we in this forum share?

People never cease to amaze me. And often not in particularly positive ways.

Click to expand...

Risia, I am truly sorry if I offended you with my comments. Its not the clothing that bothers me, its the attitude of alot of the people I personally have met who are wearing that clothing.

From my point of view I am tired of being givne the cold shoulder when I go to BDSM/alternative events or shops just because I don't dress or act in the appropriate way - which in the north of england seems to mean being depressed, grumpy, unfriendly etc etc.
So I wear bright colours, sports gear to relax in, suits to go to work in, that doesn't mean that I am a 'straight'. I have had good friends stand waiting in a shop which sold BDSM/Goth clothing because they were new to it all and hadn't got the right clothing on (jeans and a t-shirt don't qualify unless they are black).

I guess I would also like to see a more carnival / mardi gras attitude towards alternative sexuality - lets be bold and proud not hiding in the shadows. I realise that there are alot of goths who are also into BDSM or vice versa but sometimes it can feel difficult enough to walk into your first BDSM shop/club/event without also feeling that in order to be accepted there you not only have to have a fetish but you have to identify yourself as a goth/rocker. Not everyone who is into BDSM is a goth and not everythign about BDSM has to mean dark places and misery.
(I don't think being a goth means darkness and misery but alot of the people I used to hang out with when I went through my gothic period did think that)

Sorry if I offend anyone else with this little rant, I would liek to see places were we could all go to. No matter what our sexuality, gender, music tastes, fetish etc etc.
The only qualifiers I have for people around me are;- are you happy? are you comfortable being who you are and most importantly do you give everyone the space to be themselves not judging them on their stereotypical appearance?

I have been to one party at a private dungeon club. I hope to attend again next week, if my work schedule permits. I am hoping a certain person reading this board shows up this time

CarolineOh said:

I have been to one party at a private dungeon club. I hope to attend again next week, if my work schedule permits. I am hoping a certain person reading this board shows up this time

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I will be there, and I will bring my floggers. Hmm should I bring a cane?

James Blandings said:

I will be there, and I will bring my floggers. Hmm should I bring a cane?

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Floggers, yes! Canes..................um.............well............uh........um................................................................................................................................ok, maybe.

Re: Re: were do you go to play?

RisiaSkye said:

Hey, dammit, I resemble that remark. And frankly, I'm tired of the crap spewing about the "goth crowd." So, please forgive me if this gets my hackles up--it's nothing personal so much as it's an expression of my general irritation at some of the ways I've been talked about and treated because I was perceived as "goth."

I've always wondered--how can it be that wearing black, listening to particular kinds of music, and being pale can so freak out a group of people who are into the things that we in this forum share?

People never cease to amaze me. And often not in particularly positive ways.

Click to expand...

I have to agree with you. I originally came from the pacific northwest, central Washington even, where people are a tad, shall we say "uptight" and it was never this bad. I am surprised. I would think that being involved in one alternative lifestyle would make one more tolerant of others, but I guess I was wrong.

Ebony

Bravo Petrel.

.

Re: Bravo Petrel.

pierced_boy said:

I have to make sure I keep my mind open.

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We all do, H.
We all do.

Anybody else play out doors.

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I love out-of-doors play. LOVE it. For me, it's way up high on those checklist things we all keep pushing at each other round here.

There's something about being outside that lends a more primal sting to the caress of a flogger, to the striding of bare feet over grass, to the kiss of the sun and the breeze on pebbled and sensitized skin. I love the way moans sound outside, unconstrained by walls, and the way my breathing sounds unmuffled by anything manmade. I fantasize about screaming, ungagged, with only the wind and trees and bugs and birds to hear me...aside from my Dominant, of course.

Oh yes!
I love out of doors play.

And H? Why would i have any reason to be upset with/by you? I am not, have not been, will not be. Be easy, H. There's no cause at all for alarm on that front.



petrel?
I don't do the goth thing. Nor do most of the people i know who "do" BDSM in public places. RThere's a lot of black, yes, but we like black as a subculture. The other stuff, though, the attitudes and all, those are simply not present among most of the people i know who do this for real. Of course, i know mostly folks who've been in it a while, older people who who don't have anything to prove to anyone with thier sexuality. In party situations, no one i know is bored - or looks it - public or private. Maybe my being in my area (San Francisco) has something to do with that? We have such a large and diverse population of perverts around here that the poor goths have to really work to be noticed. Might kinda take away from that 'i'm so bored with life' tude you've seen them adopting, hmmm?


Risia?
How do goths feel about purple hair, anyway?

Outdoors Play

There is an event coming up this summer in Ontario, where they are doing an "SM Camping" party. here's a link to their site.

http://www.dssg.org/camp.htm

CarolineOh said:

Floggers, yes! Canes..................um.............well............uh........um................................................................................................................................ok, maybe.

Click to expand...

Re: Re: Bravo Petrel.

Risia?
How do goths feel about purple hair, anyway?

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I wouldn't know--I don't know any.
Personally, I like purple hair. It's pretty.

petrel: I didn't mean to unload on you personally, so please don't be offended. I'm just frustrated by the lumping together of people into easy categories. Many people have noticed the overlapping spheres of interest between the Gothic scene and BDSM--black clothes, leather & lace, body modification, certain types of music (Nine Inch Nails & Type O Negative come to mind), latex & other fetishes, etc.

There is a basic subcultural link between the two groups in many ways--I think of it as the Anne Rice Factor. So, I'm not trying to pretend that the situation you describe isn't of concern.

Here's why comments about how "Goths" are frustrate me, however:
If one looks to apply a snap-judgement to me, based on my looks, I get classed as "Goth," "East Coast Intellectual," or "Biker Chick"--depending on the day and who's doing the pigeonholing. I'm an Amazonian woman, usually all in black, with (currently) purple & blonde hair and unbelievably pale skin--think 15 minute sunburn. I'm also a Switch who listens to a wide variety of music and enjoys Gothic tales, particularly vampire stories. But, I am also a friendly, outgoing, often laughing, easily approachable person. I'm optimistic, articulate, well-read, and willing to engage in civilized conversation with most anyone, whatever "group" they may fit into or what differences there may be between us.

Where does a person like me fit in these categories? Each of them carries stereotypes and assumptions, and none of them reflect me as a person. When we narrow our thinking and label groups, we reduce the possibilities for meaningful exchange with individuals. Every once in a while, someone tosses out a label that I've gotten stuck with, and it gets under my skin. petrel, that's all that happened here.

In short, I'm sorry some of you have had bad experiences with individuals who shared certain characteristics, but I'd hope that we not use this as an excuse to dismiss groups of people--in much the same way BDSMers get dismissed as a group by those who lump all players and all play together in one big compost heap.

When I get like this, y'all, please don't take it personally. We're cool--I'm just a hyper-verbal whacko with a chip on my shoulder sometimes. Then, thankfully, I get over myself.

to be goth or not

.

Re: Re: Re: Bravo Petrel.

RisiaSkye said:

If one looks to apply a snap-judgement to me, based on my looks, I get classed as "Goth," "East Coast Intellectual," or "Biker Chick"--depending on the day and who's doing the pigeonholing. I'm an Amazonian woman, usually all in black, with (currently) purple & blonde hair and unbelievably pale skin--think 15 minute sunburn. I'm also a Switch who listens to a wide variety of music and enjoys Gothic tales, particularly vampire stories. But, I am also a friendly, outgoing, often laughing, easily approachable person. I'm optimistic, articulate, well-read, and willing to engage in civilized conversation with most anyone, whatever "group" they may fit into or what differences there may be between us.

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Tsk Tsk Tsk
You don't fit into the pigeonhole people put you? Such a baaaaad girl, how dare you

It's so easy to put a label on people and sometimes so hard to get it off again. I guess everyone is guilty of that once in a while, I know I am. But as long as you're aware of this very human behaviour, you can try to overcome it.
I know how it feels to be pigeonholed by people, Risia, and I hate it. In most cases I think "bite me" or some other unfriendly thing and move on. But it makes me sad and angry.

Good thing we can voice concerns like that in this forum without a flamefest as a result. That's why I like it here so much.

Monika

Re: Re: Re: Re: Bravo Petrel.

Frouwa_Aph said:

Tsk Tsk Tsk
You don't fit into the pigeonhole people put you? Such a baaaaad girl, how dare you

It's so easy to put a label on people and sometimes so hard to get it off again. I guess everyone is guilty of that once in a while, I know I am. But as long as you're aware of this very human behaviour, you can try to overcome it.
I know how it feels to be pigeonholed by people, Risia, and I hate it. In most cases I think "bite me" or some other unfriendly thing and move on. But it makes me sad and angry.

Good thing we can voice concerns like that in this forum without a flamefest as a result. That's why I like it here so much.

Monika

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wow - I didn't mean to kick off a round of the great labels debate!
Thanks Risia for realising that I wasn't trying to get at you or goths, I was actually trying to get at the specific atmosphere I have met when out and about on the BDSM scene locally.
It is very heavily populated by one group who identify themselves as goths even when at a fetish event. Again I would say that this is of course only my personal opinion and it is their attitude towards me and others who don't fit into their crowd that bothers me.

I guess alot of us have had negative expereinces of stereotyping and it is always harder when we hit upon it in a group that you hope would be more open minded.

heres my own list of why I don't do labels
I am a fetishist not a pervert
I watch startrek but I don't speak klingon
I read Anne Rice but I don't wear black nail polish
I wear a suit to work and carry a briefcase but I haven't sold out
I am getting married but I am not straight
I am Bisexual but I am not a whore
I love classical music but I listen to rock

the list could go on; but that would be boring.
Its just important that we are who we are and that we recognise that everyone and anyone can be 'into' BDSM at whatever level suits them best. I find it distressing that at 'public' events there are still unspoken rules, dress codes etc that are intimidating new players on the scene. I am glad to hear from others that this could just be a local problem - and I for one will be doing everything I can to encourage a wider audience to my local BDSM/Fetich events.

I'm very interested in the fetish/BDSM scene but have not been to any kind of events. We live in a small town with even smaller minded people. Hopefully someday I'll get to a larger area and get to experience an event

Harry & Monika (pierced_boy & Frouwa Aph): thank you. ~~ As usual, you are both very kind and most forgiving of my rambling.

petrel--I *do* understand what you're saying, and I'm glad that you're coming to see that it's a localized problem, specific to certain people and not necessarily groups. I wish you luck in expanding the realm of community participation in your area. Blessed be. ~~