the Yin/Yang of it all...or Dom/me isn't something to fear

Alright. So, I've been following cym's "sub isn't something to be ashamed of" thread, and I've found the responses everything from loving and supportive to self-righteous and pointlessly indignant. Some of the responses, even the supportive ones, seem to carry with them a hint of judgement that disturbs me, particularly in a thread that is allegedly an act taken to prevent such bias.

Yes, submission requires great strength and ability to bend.
Yes, there are bad Dom/mes.
There are also, contrary to seemingly popular opinion, bad subs.
Yes, online life seems to encourage bad attitudes and behaviors, as they don't often develop a real understanding of the kind of trust needed to make a D/s relationship really work.

However, there's a whole other discourse going on here.

Someone suggested that really, when you think about it, subs are the half that makes a relationship work. subs are the people of strength and resilience. subs are, in effect, the people of value.

Dom/mes, subs, and Switches all need each other in order for this kind of love to work. Judging part of the equation, or seeing either Dominance or submission as a haven of the weak does nothing to make this life any easier to lead. Demeaning subs does nothing but expose one's ignorance. Fearing Dom/mes, holding *them* ultimately accountable for all the failures of loving D/s relations, also does nothing to make this life more livable.

If you are uncertain of your place in this world, but are starting on the sub side as you start your exploration, good for you. But, it isn't a way-station, and the "next stop" isn't Dominance. If you're starting on the Dom/me side, that doesn't make you an advanced student who's jumping ahead of the rest of the class by skipping submission. It's just life, people. We all live it in our own ways.

Similarly, though, suggesting that Dom/mes are the dangerous, unstable, most likely fallible part of the equation is a judgement, and a damaging one. In this forum, submissives outnumber Dominants and Switches by something like four to one. To suggest that this forum as a whole is anti-sub is ridiculous, I think. And while I love my friends here, there are a few who are somewhat inclined to get their knickers in a twist over a badly phrased post or question, and extrapolate it into a world-view that isn't helpful to anyone.

Submission does not make one stronger, more subtle and malleable, more able to learn and grow. Submission makes one, well, submissive. It's a way of being, and it's half of a whole. These two things cannot exist without each other. Casting about for which side is better is not only futile, it turns us against each other. Enough of the world judges us already. If we start judging each other in such ugly ways, we may as well pack it in now.

You cannot fully experience love with someone you do not trust and respect.

Submission is meaningless without a Dominant to make it flower.
Dominance is empty without an eager and receptive submissive.

Be careful of what you say, especially in a place where your words are everything. Substituting one kind of bias for another is no improvement.

I hope that my post did not come over as judgemental Risia, I'm most happily and firmly ensconced in the switch world now, I love both of my sides equally, I am happy when sub and Domme.

I applaud your wisdom, Risia.

Be who you are. Submissive, Dom/me, Or Switch- follow your instinctive spirit.

I wonder why there needs to be some osrt of competion, within the lifestyle. We are all intricate parts of the puzzle.

Huh

After looking at what rs said earlier I went back and looked at what the other folks had to say. It is okay to disagree but DON'T read something into what others say but instead READ what they said and then make a value judgment.
People change and make good and bad decisions and then make the same ones over again but does that mean anything? It means that as humans we are constantly changing and evolving until we become who we are. What pleases me today may not please me tomorrow. Just my two cents . . . okay I put in three cents!

Now that you mention it...

When i first began to study BDSM, i was a bit afraid of the Dom/me side of the equation. One of the sites you and cym led me to, Castle Realm, really changed that for me.

Lord Colm was the first Dom i'd really encountered. The things he wrote about his late sub Jade touched me so very deeply that my fear vanished.

Everything he writes makes it clear that in spite of his title "Lord" he isn't a cruel or demanding ruler, which the language used by Dom/mes might seem to imply.

To Dom/mes and subs alike he emphasizes the mutual care, attention and the equality that is necessary to make a relationship work.

Power transfer is something that seems to take both parties working together for the same goal, which demands equality. An automobile won't get far if the engine decides it is more important than the wheels. Neither one is any good without a functional transmission.

Lord Colm and Jade both pointed out the need for intimate communication, which can only be done between equals.

i'm still trying not to make any judgements yet, because there is so much to know, and i like to get a fair body of facts before i come to a conclusion.

However, sometimes when i start to write my fingers run away with me and i choose my phrases badly. As a matter of fact if it weren't for that i might never have met you RisiaSkye. That would have been a shame.

Thanks for another shot at clarifying my viewpoint of the moment. My horizons broaden every day and soon, with luck, i can add some experience to the equations.

You really have a way of letting the sun shine through RS. Even a nocturnal creature like me can love that.

Thought this was a good bump and excellent discussion point and post from Risia.

Catalina