I was searching, and now I've found it, and I'm a little scared...

For the last few months, I've needed something that my relationship wasn't giving me: I needed to be submissive, and I needed a man (or woman) to be dominant. I began to experiment with dom/sub online, and found myself an online Master, and really enjoyed being a sub.... a friend of mine from Lit recently sat my bf down and told him that he should give some thought to the lifestyle, for me. And my bf, who I never thought would be into it, agreed. I couldn't believe it, when he and I began that conversation.. he's gonna go do some reading up, and I'll be doing likewise, but he admitted that he knew I was a sub, and just doesn't know how to be dominant (he's a VERY easygoing guy). But he's willing to do this for me, with me. I've called things off with my online Master, as I'm no fool... the love of my life wants to learn with me... and I'm excited.. but I'm terrified.. I, like many others out there, have had some terrible times with men, and I'm scared of giving up full control.. which is why I think this would be a good thing for me to try.. and I look forward to trusting him so completely. I burst into tears during that conversation, and I hardly know why, except that I'm so grateful to my SO for being so open to this, and because I'm so scared of the challenge. This will be so hard for me.

Now, you all know that I'm just beginning... and my SO and I need some help. What kind of things did you do when you began the lifestyle? What kind of things do you dom/mes and subs want from your SO's, and what kinds of things do you do for them? Can you suggest any first steps for us? Thank you in advance...
Vix

I'll let the more experience members offer their advice, Vix, but I want to say YES!!!.

I kind of suspected... and I knew I liked something about you!

lol.. how did you know it, Raw?

vixenshe said:

lol.. how did you know it, Raw?

Click to expand...

I'm in the same boat as Raw. I knew it, mostly from the tone of your posts and the little things here and there you've said about what you like, sexually.

We Doms can sniff one sub out in a packed Yankee Stadium, you know.

Best of luck with this, vixie. You need a hand at any point, drop me a PM.

Vix, this is extremely important.

You have got to know your triggers and you have got to define them explicitly to your Master. You have to explain about the Anniversary and which smells, sounds, positions, feelings bring it back.

I would also suggest that you have two safe words, if you go that route. One that's the normal every day safe word and then the other one for anything that turns into a trigger because you're going to need completely different care from him if he triggers you.

congrats vixenshe!

- PBW

Vixen,

Just go slowly. Don't let your excitement press you into anything, activity or practice, you aren't ready for or comfortable with.

There are some very good links in a thread on the forum for beginners.

We were all there, once.

And yes, even though he is your boyfriend and the love of your life, chose safewords. Words that are easy to remember and that are never likely to pop up in playtime...

One word for "slow down."

One word for "stop."

It isn't an issue of trust, rather an issue of communication. There are times when it is difficult to say what we are feeling or need, so the safe words that have been completely discussed are like reciting an entire declaration in a single syllable.

Best wishes,

Pm me if you ever need to chat.

hugs

Miss T

JazzManJim

Was surprised to see Your nick come up. Am not sure if You remember me. Perhaps You will remember the nick I have gone by before...Gem?

Jim is a great guy and wonderful resource.

Yes, letting the cat out of the bag, but last year, Jim was someone who talked with me and helped me to truly understand what was happening in terms of my awakening into and acceptance of submission.


*blushing*


Thanks, Jim.

Congrats, vixen. I just had a few things..

Make sure everything is negotiated. Everything. When you'll play, where, in front of witnesses or not, you hard and soft limits, what you want to try, or what you don't want to try.

Have your safewords. From simple ones like red, yellow, green, to pineapple, or dafodil. Make sure your safeword is something you aren't likely to say in scene...don't use no, or stop......those words are spoken quite a bit when one is expanding their limits, and don't work as safewords. Also, always remember to use your safeword when you need to. Don't be afraid of angering your so by using it.....it's for your safety, and so your so can learn your limits.

Above all, have fun with it. If you don't enjoy what you are doing, then it's not worth doing.

Be well, be safe, be happy,

Kes

Congratualtions Vixen... most of us subs have had just that kind of experience in the past... I know that I have... what a wonderful journey you have begun... Know that we are all here for you...

Oh Vixie, sweetheart, what a delightful surprise to see you in this forum.
I can't offer much advise, other than that you should pay close attention to the wise people here, and that you should always keep in mind that you have friends who will hold your hand, and maybe once in a while slap your ass, as you make your journey.

defining a bdsm relationship

I have heard in several threads, define everything very carefully. Perhaps I am going about my relationship the wrong way. Before my Master and I met, the only thing I mentioned was that I was looking for a firm but kind Master. He mentioned that He didn't enjoy being cruel.

We have been skin-to-skin for 7 months and our relationship has been going really well. I suppose it is very much like any relationship. We date, we play, and when issues come up, we talk about them then.

This is my first bdsm relationship, so if there is more I should be aware of or am just being naive, I would really appreciate some advice. I really the threads frequently, and post occassionally, but I have found some really great advice here. So many people seem to very genuine in wanting to help.

Thank You

I believe that you have hit upon something that I have said from time to time.

Many aspects of a healthy BDSM relationship are actually healthy components to any relationship, personal, professional, familial.


Respect: I must respect the man who is the Dom in my life. OF course, I chose not to surround myself with people who don't respect me. So respect is and always should be two fold. Being a sub isn't and should never mean there is less respect given to him/her.

Communication: Every relationship in my life requires open communication. Without it, the relationship is doomed. How can I know that I am an effective employee, a good mom, and good daughter without constant and open communication?

Trust: Without it, what relationship thrives? Hell, If I don't trust the counter person at McD's to hold the pickles....*smirks*
Trust! Trust! Trust!

Common ground/common goals: IF my supervisor and I are working toward different ends, we will both be completely ineffective. If my Dom and I have common sexual interests, commonalities in terms of our perception of the relationship, common interests outside the scene, the relationship has great potential.

Thinking ....is there anything here that isn't necessary for a BDSM relationship as well as a nilla relationship?

JazzManJim said:

We Doms can sniff one sub out in a packed Yankee Stadium, you know.

Click to expand...

Really?



Go slow onto this lifestyle,and dont push him faster than he wants to go.

I think its wonderful that he wants to try this,but please dont make him feel bad if he isnt.

Take care.

We subs can sniff out a Dom in a heart beat.

Sometimes, before He even knows it!

I can sniff out a pizza faster than you can sniff out a sub. Sandwiches just don't have that carrying aroma.

KillerMuffin
"I can sniff out a pizza faster than you can sniff out a sub. Sandwiches just don't have that carrying aroma."



Bad muffin. Bad, bad muffin.

a new cyber slave

that's me, and i'm enjoying every minute of it. the submissive inside of me has finally been allowed out and even though it is a bit frightening at times, i have met a kind Master who is training me very well. talk on the phone has brought us closer, too.

but sometimes he goes further than i am comfortable with and since we are not in real time i go along...i fear that when we meet, and we will, these boundaries he's gotten through will freak me out.

so my question is about boundaries, i am afraid to say no to Master for fear of punishment, or abandonment, and feel he knows this and plays on it very well.

i'd really like to work this out as for everything else, it's delicious

thanks in advance.

Please feel free to begin your own thread, cyn, on issues that are perhaps just different enough from the thread topic to warrant it. You'll get answers. We won't abandon you. Everyone here is equal in terms of asking questions and giving advice. We all do a good job sometimes. We all blow it sometimes. Everyone's issues deserve some quality attention and focus, vixenshe's, yours, mine, Muff's (though we'd have to give that messed-up chica several threads!)...everyone's.



vixenshe? When beginning, go slowly.
EVERYTHING will seem wildly exciting.
Everything will BE wildly exciting.
But you can't do everything, at least not at the beginning.

Begin with trust.
Talk out your fears.
Create a space between you wherein each of you can say anything to the other without fear of reprisal or censure or disapproval. Use that space (a particular time of day, perhaps) to get everything out on the table: fears, needs, dislikes, wants, deep dark fantasies. Talk about what's brewing in your mind. Talk about this thing you read about and how much it excited you - and that you want to try it sometime.

Without a basic underpinning of trust, none of us has anything of value to offer our partner. Without that foundation of real trust, we are only engaged in sexual gymnastics.

With that trust, we can dare to go and do and try and experiment in ways that will be mind-, body-, and soul-expanding. With that trust, we can go anywhere and do anything safe in the care of our partner.

Everything is different with the trust.

Building it is of crucial and primary importance at the beginning of a BDSM relationship - and honest, frequent talk is the way it is built.

cyn1959

A Dominant should never play on your fear. Fear is real and not addressing it honestly and safely is destructive. Online or not!

Now apprehension is another matter.

Apprehension can spice up the experiences you are being walked through.

Their is no correlation between the two.

your not voicing your fears could be taking Him faster than He really wants to go and could also destroy what is developing.

you are in the first steps of testing your honesty..it must be complete to have any value.

Good luck on your journey..It is a wonderful world that you are exploring.

Vixenshe

So pleased to see you are starting your journey, I remember our first chat and thought that you would end up making this step. Take it slow savour every step and be glad the man you love is willing to journey with you, it is a sign of his love for you I think as well as his commitment to you.

Again all I can say is how happy I am for both of you, it is truely wonderful when you take the first steps, its like loosing your virginty all over again.

Some excellent advice there

I would suggest doing some reading too. Read some of the stories posted here on Lit and encourage your SO / Master to do so too. Talk about them and your fantasies in depth.

I think it was Cym who started the links thread - have a look through the links and read them with your SO / Master.

Talk about your fears too. If ypu ever feel uncertain about stuff, speak to each other, and ask here too.

I hope everything goes well for you.

MissTaken said:

Thanks, Jim.

Click to expand...

You're quite welcome, MissTaken.

I don't think you really needed much more than a flashlight to show you where the path was for you. You were pretty much there yourself, you know? And I'm very, very proud of where you are now.

But, having said that, it's always really nice to have someone around with whom you can talk stuff out, one way or another. It's good to be able to share with them and see what they have to think, even if they're not terribly experienced. It's the different point of view often times that makes a real difference.

It also helps a great deal just to read, read, and read some more. There's no such thing as too many books and articles and web sites on BDSM. I spent a good year, almost, reading, and doing my own research, and talking to folks I knew who were into the lifestyle before I publicly "came out" and did anything even related to BDSM. Perhaps that was overcautious of me, and most folks probably wouldn't need hat kind of time, but I felt far more confident in what I was doing and who I was after all of that.


shysub - it's been a while! I'm glad to see you're still around and going well!

I hardly know how to put it except that... when he said he'd try.. he was lying. We haven't tried anything.. I've asked a few times, I've suggested things, I've tried to do some things that I find submissive (asking if I could suck his cock, rather than just doing it), etc. And he just doesn't know how to deal with it. He said he was gonna buy a book and read up on it, and I don't think he's done that, cus there's nothing happening, and he knows it bothers me, but....


*sad*