A victim of rape as a submissive

I have inquiries! Questions! Queries!


The submissive person is a victim of rape, these are usually highly traumatic experiences that fuck ya up relationship-wise for life no matter how violent the thing is. You see, the one commodity rape victims lose is the ability to trust. I'm one myself and I think I've managed to get really far in my growth past the rape, but I still lack that ability to completely trust. Heck, to even trust a lot. I doubt I will ever get it back fully.

Do we see the problem? Rape = removal of trust.

Some of us I know are victims of rape. Of those that I know of they've become Dom/mes or Dom/mes that will occasionally Switch. I know of one who is submissive, but there's no other information available about that.

I realize that a relationship can be fully BDSM without violence ever being introduced. Like it or not, my Raspberry Chocolate buddies, no matter how wonderful the intention and reception of the smack/restraints/hit/flog/pierce/{insert favorite activity} here
it's still violence. I'm not one of those mainstream morons who believes that violence is a bad thing. Violence has no inherent goodness or badness. It's the person doing it who gives the goodness or badness. Anyway. I lost my point here. Oh yeah. Even though there can be a full BDSM relationship without violence, these are the exception rather than the rule. Rape victims generally do not handle sexually based violence against them very well.

So the question is (the rest are queries or inquiries) . . .

What now? How does a good Dom/me handle a submissive that's a rape victim? What are the special precautions one takes? How do you deal with those times of the year when the sub is forcibly reminded of his or her trauma simply because it's that time when s/he was raped? How do you deal with those sex things that remind him or her of the rape so strongly that it's like a flashback and it feels like it's happening all over again? What do you do if you're in the middle of a session and the flashback thing happens from something, how do you handle that? How forthcoming about the rape should the submissive be? How do you deal with the trust issue when the simple truth is that a rape victim may never trust as deeply as someone who hasn't been raped? What would you do if it turned out that the sub was raped by someone pretending to be a Dom/me in a BDSM-like scene?

I'm not sure if this is an answer to your questions or not KM but I'll try.

I was molested by my mother's man from the age of 9 until I was 15. When I got out of that mess my mind was seriously messed up to say the least. I have dealt with my demons and still do deal with them. But I am sub. I love to please my Man in anyway he sees fit. But the months of April and May are really hard for me because that is when I was removed from my mother house and I tend to feel stressed and have flashbacks.

How do we deal with it? We talk about it and we just don't play that way. We stick to just kinky sex. If I have a problem in the middle of sex I tell him, we stop and he cuddles me close. I don't have to give him all the nasty details I just say "I cant do this with you right now. It's too much." He knows and understands. We talk about it later when the stressful moment has passed.

I think for me it boils down to the same thing we always talk about here. Being honest and telling the truth even if it's the hardest thing I've ever done. If you can't be that honest and truthful then you have no business playing that way. It's dangerous and will do you even more damage.

So many questions:

My blanket thought has to do with the rape victim's healing and what they know about themselves. What triggers PTSD sorts of symptoms? What is uncomfortable for them? Have they dealt with the issues associated with rape?

If a rape victim has attained a space in which they are in good mental health and have regained their self esteem, they can and should say to the Dom/me, " I was raped. I am okay, but *insert act/trigger* can lead to emotional outbursts or the questioning of trust."

If the rape victim is hasn't regained their strength and healing, they probably should not be involved in a D/s relationship or any other, especially if they cannot trust.

I found that it wasn't my ability to trust that was most seriously marred for the largest part. It was my self esteem and my sense of safety. Once I found ways in which I could make myself feel safe, I could trust. Once I worked through the issues concerning self doubt and self blame, I could move forward.

Any rape victim needs to seriously question their readiness for a relationship and seek assistance as necessary.

Rape victims and BDSM is a common thread. It is likely there are as many Dommes as subs that wear the rape victim shoes. In My youth I was also a rape victim. I know several Dommes and several submissives that have this pain in their past.
I have personal experience with owning a female sub that was a victim as well.

Communication is the key here as it is in all aspects of the BDSM lifestyle. But here the Domme must listen like She has never listened before. Her empathy must not become sympathy for it is in the understanding and not the pity that Her strength will allow healing to occur in Her arms. It is in Her arms that tears can be cried in safety. It is in Her touch, both firm and loving that reassurance and acceptance can be found. She must take the submissive to the release of the tears that NEED to be cried. To hold the one She cares for until an exhausted sleep stops all words and thought. This is not a one time scenerio...it will and must occur many times. Unexpected times. She must always have time to listen and comfort and reassure Her sub that she was a victim not a participant. She knows that the submissive may already be aware of this and still She knows it must be said out loud. This is a subject that should never be hidden or brushed under the rug. If She knows the anniversary of the rape it is Her responsibility and Her need to watch carefully for any new signs of stress....it is NOT Her responsibility to bring the matter up to the sub who may have become content and secure enough to no longer be affected by the past. This happens eventually. The Domme must be so in tune through Her compassion that She misses very little in the life of Her submissive.

During play, constant talk..firm words that hold no anger..asking if all is ok..explaining..explaining..explaining every move. Never pausing for a moment if the sub seems to be approaching any display of the onset of panic. The signs are subtle but they are there if One is looking for them. The Mistress must be able to stop without waiting for a safe word. The Domme that Owns a submissive MUST know every pain in her past as well as her joys.

Well that was a bit of a ramble that could have gone on all night but I better stop before the soap box is kicked out from under My feet.

There have been many wise words written on this thread already, so I will just add a little bit of personal experience.
My former submissive was a victim of childhood rape and sexual abuse. She informed me of this at the outset of our relationship, but downplayed it and assured me that it was something she had come to terms with and could handle.
As time went on though, and our relationship deepened, the issue began to surface more and more often. She became almost addicted to being in subspace, which seemed like a good thing, but we both came to realize that she was using it like a painkiller. We struggled with this for a long time. But it was obvious that BDSM was not right for her. I'm no therapist, but what I believe, and she does too, is that she craved hard physical play and rough sex that led to the release of subspace because she could got find closure for the real physical and sexual trauma she had endured. Eventually, we had to end our relationship. I have been in BDSM for over 30 years and I would have walked away from every bit of it for her, but we both knew that the shadow of it would always fall between us.
I have the greatest admiration for those of you who have triumphed in dealing with these issues. thank you for this very important thread.

KillerMuffin said:

Some of us I know are victims of rape. Of those that I know of they've become Dom/mes or Dom/mes that will occasionally Switch.

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This is not, strictly speaking, true. I do not consider myself a Domme who occasionally Switches, but as a Switch--pretty committed to both sides.

The following is, obviously, just my opinion. Supply is unlimited, but the warranty is expired, so read with caution.

What now? How does a good Dom/me handle a submissive that's a rape victim? What are the special precautions one takes?

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Close attention and full awareness, not pushing limits too hard or too fast, absolute adherence to safe signals.

How do you deal with those times of the year when the sub is forcibly reminded of his or her trauma simply because it's that time when s/he was raped? How do you deal with those sex things that remind him or her of the rape so strongly that it's like a flashback and it feels like it's happening all over again? What do you do if you're in the middle of a session and the flashback thing happens from something, how do you handle that?

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I wish I had the answer to this when it happened to me--and on our honeymoon, no less. It came out of nowhere, and it was a gut-wrenching and hideous experience. All he could really do was end the session and hold me while the floodgates were open, hoping for the best. I didn't spend much time alone in the few days afterward, either.

In the end, though, after all the ugliness was out, it was a very good thing for our relationship. Ugly as it was, there was no emotional room for minimalizing the pain of it, concealing it, or keeping anything back. He got the full story, complete with my agonizing over it and reliving it, and that's a very visceral kind of honesty. I think our friendship and emotional trust of each other was actually strengthened by it--in the long term. In the short run, I backed way off of BDSM activity and cooled to sex for several months. I was afraid it would happen again. I still don't know that it never will.

How forthcoming about the rape should the submissive be?

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Totally.

How do you deal with the trust issue when the simple truth is that a rape victim may never trust as deeply as someone who hasn't been raped?

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I don't trust as deeply as many, even most, people. More than anything, I think time helps--both time with a partner, and time passing since the traumatic event. I know it's helped in my situation: knowing all he knows about me and where/who/what I've been, he's had nine years to use that to fuck me over. He hasn't. I trust him more than any other living human.

I still wouldn't say I trust him utterly, and I probably never will.
I still think that I can be a good sub. I would never, though, (and probably could never) consider myself "slave" to another. I don't trust anyone that deeply...not even myself.

What would you do if it turned out that the sub was raped by someone pretending to be a Dom/me in a BDSM-like scene?

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Oh, god. I have no idea.

Each rape is separate, and different. The intent, the person performing it. The victim. Each situation so different it evokes different emotions and ways of dealing.

I am not going to be clear and succinct here, and please don't correct my grammar and spelling.
I was raped. Twice I have been used in such a way.

I was 16 and young. Believing the guy was trustworthy. What the heck do you really know at 16? We made out, munched some snacks, drank some juice. But mine was special. He had added something. Instead of a quiet fun night alone with him. I spent hours not completely aware, yet aware enough. He was 18, and it wasn't the first time, nor the last he did such a thing to a girl. The entire time he kept telling me I would never cum for anyone other then himself. Never enjoy sex without him. For an 18 year old he was good at that. I believed him for years.
I only told my friend, a guy. He didn't believe me. I didn't tell anyone else, till years and years later. In the meantime, he was right. I didn't enjoy sex, not really. And I couldn't cum no matter what with anyone else. Only in the quiet of my room. For if I tried with someone, I would see his face, remember his words, and freak. Poor fellas, they never knew it wasn't them. Till I told them later. (side note, he pulled this trick again and again, eventually getting caught by a Father of one of "his" girls. He beat him
so badly they could not identify him when he was taken to hospital. I felt badly in not reporting it. Still do.)

In college I met and befriended a guy for 10 minutes at a party. He seemed lonely and nice. I chatted and moved along. How was I to know he was sick? For the next 9 years myself and my family were "stalked" by him. Followed and harassed. This
was before any of the laws we have now. Most the time the police wouldn't even respond to my calls for help. I lived in the country alone at the time. The one time an officer responded he seemed so friendly, so helpful. I let him in and we had coffee. Chatted about college and my follower. But then he changed his tune. Started in the "you must have led him on" mode. Like you are doing to me now. Next thing I knew I was handcuffed to my couch. he raped me repeatedly. No details, my hands are shaking and I want to get to my point. Over and over for hours he used his authority over me. Even today a uniformed officer makes me nervous and scared. My palms sweat and my heart races. Yes, I know it isn't him, that it wasn't a police man that raped me, but a man. But, it doesn't matter what you say to me. The first rapist simply forced me to have sex with him, even
making me cum several times, reinforcing his words. This man simply was abusive. My needs, my body didn't matter. I was injured and hurt, again all the while being told I had asked for it. I sigh and grieve over that lost girl.
For that night the innocent little merelan died, or so I had thought.

That was over 15 years ago, yes I am that old. My darling Dreamer has helped me in so many ways to overcome these acts against me. Teaching me with his love and patience I am a beautiful and charming woman. I love sex, in it's many forms now, and yes I cum, oh boy do I cum. Ask my neighbors sometimes.

But, there has been a part of me inside. That little merelan. The one who trusted and yearned for something. Something that would hold her cherished and pampered, yet... ugghhh. The words will not come. Sex was good, even great at times. But missing. And because of my past Dreamer was too nervous and gun shy to try anything special and different. Who can blame him when times I am about to cum I see Frank's face, hear his words, and Dreamer must hold and calm me. Yes, he haunts me even now.

And now, why am I writing this? Sharing things you don't need to really know? I am a submissive. In Hecate's care I have discovered a part of me that was missing. Afraid that if I gave in to my needs for submission, I would be hurt and used again. But her hand and wisdom have guided me, and Dreamer. She has shown me that submission is not rape, it is a glorification of my love. A way to show my Mistress how much I care and love her. How much I need to have her show me, guide me, help me break through the barriers I erected around pieces of myself. If only I could explain, in mere words, all the many facets of myself that she has helped me discover. She has helped, and is still helping, me and Dreamer explore new things, new ways to express ourselves in our loving.

Yes, we are only "Online" so to speak. But I know, and state freely here and now, with all of you perverts as witness', that
there will come a day when I meet her in flesh, oh her sweet flesh... and

what was I saying?

Ummm.... Yes, meet her. And then drop to my knees and serve her, have her loving me, and myself her. Give her the little pet she deserves. Be so proud of myself and her when I break through another barrier.

I am not sure I answered your questions, at this point not even sure what the damn question was. No, we don't bind me yet, but I want too so badly. but he is still nervous about it. he makes me lie still though, but never, ever forces anything on me.

My rape was not who I am, it was acts of violence forced upon me and using me. Submission is not that. It is a gift given freely,
trusting. Yes, I trust him, and Hecate. Anyone else?
You have to earn it, but isn't that always how it is?

I am not sure I would have become interested in BDSM had I not been raped at age 15. The dynamics of a D/s relationship, initially, fulfilled my need to relive the rape experience and control the outcome. I am not sure I can explain the nature of my thinking. I am not referring to a D/s relationship as a rape, in NO means. The control aspects helped in my healing. My Dom/me showed me how their loving nature enveloped control. With my submissive nature, the level of trust was essential. I feared giving myself to another. The relationships gave me the chance to be controlled without emotionally pain. I realize I am not explaining this in the needed comprehensive way. But, on the flip side- being a Switch, I have been able to feel the power of control. There is such a fuzzy boundary between Domination and submission.

For all of those who posted with strength and honesty, thank you. I've known your story for some time, lilfrk, and am forever awed at your strength in overcoming what was truly horrendous and an existence of nightmares. MissTaken, you too? Oh gods, are there are are none of us who haven't been touched by this? Shadowsdream, your words remind us that this isn't just a American phenomena, this horrifying pattern of rape after rape after rape of young girls and women. It's a human problem. Regardless of nationality, if they can take from us, willing or not, they will - and always have. Some of them, anyway. R, my love and respect for your travels, for your amazing resiliency, for the application of your incredible intelligence to the movement past your past. The gods fucking owed you your present happy life with MasterMe. Merelan, my heart aches and bleeds with you, for you. I'm amazed and humbled by the strength you've mustered to show us all this horror-filled part of your inside self. And raindancer, i think you've perfectly explained the seeming contradiction of being hurt by forced violent sex then being attracted to something that seems like that on the surface (but in a very positive manner) as the core of your sexuality grew and developed.

We get stronger after such terrible events. Slowly, sometimes, but with certainty, we get stronger. To live in the midst of the horror forever, to allow it to dictate our responses evermore, is to allow them to win - and we don't want that more than we do want to curl into a small ball and cry forever over our lost selves.

Tender and heartfelt hugs to all of you for being more survivors of this kind of hurt. There are so many of us.

Page 10, near the bottom: http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=1688099#post1688099

Muff? I'm pretty sure you didn't intend this to be (yet another) place at Lit wherein we can tell our tales - but it serves that purpose, too. Sometimes we have no answers to the questions put forward, only tales to tell and movemnt past the bad stuff to relate.

Part of why i cannot Top anyone is that i freak out when i'm supposed to "hurt" someone in a way that mixes pain with eroticism. I can't. I can't. I know what it feels like to be brutalized in that way by someone you've loved and trusted and i cannot do it to anyone else - not even in play, not even in controlled circumstances, not at all.




Edited (again) to add: I keep coming back to my response and adding more. Like a moth to the flame?

I think that prior experiences with rape (and we should not forget that men are raped, too) have a lot to do with what we become as people. I also think that prior experiences with rape are very important to consider when one is moving in a BDSM world.

I can never be a submissive because of my history with sexual abuse. I may never have been wired that way to begin with, but the fact is that now there are things I cannot do sexually, not even as a nilla playing a little kinkier.

We tried such a thing once. There was no restraint involved beyond verbal and the most we did was a mild spanking (cym would barely consider that within the BDSM realm) and domination. He gave a few orders and I was to follow them. Granted he's not a dominant or a switch in any shape of the beast. The orders he gave were oversimplified sexual commands of things we'd done prior. Can you imagine BDSM play with no limits pushed? That's about what this was.

After the first order I got very uncomfortable and didn't know why. It was a long time ago and I wasn't very aware of my sexual history. Oh how the mind takes care of itself. The second order made me consider putting a stop to it, but it was quickly followed by a third. He told me to lick his thighs. I was instantly in a flashback. For those of you unfamiliar with a genuine PTSD flashback, it's nothing like a memory. The mind puts the sufferer back into the same circumstances that had happened prior. I was transported back in time to another place with another man. The fear was overwhelming. I had changed drastically since the original episode. As a more adult person I was not cowed and I was not peaceful. I physically attacked the StudMuffin and I hurt him. He hurt me as well.

These are things that happened from a time I wasn't even aware of. I'm still not aware of most of my childhood. This is a good thing and a bad thing.

Rape isn't about sex. Rape is about power. In rape power is stolen from the victim. In BDSM power is given by the sub. In a traumatized person, that distinction can be blurred. At the bottom of what makes us ourselves there's a part that can only see that power is being transferred, not how it's done. That's where the terror comes from. Behavior is influenced at how we react to these things. We're drawn to our trauma because it's such a monumentally important event in our lives that we can't let go of it.

Should victims stay out of BDSM? That's an unequivocal no. They should do what they need to do to be who they are without infringing on others.

Should victims be wary and take care? That's an equally unequivocated yes. Power transference is a core trigger. It's something that Doms and subs alike need to be aware of. Particularly if you have a new sub or Dom as a prior rape victim. Power is linked with trauma. The rape victim new to BDSM has to be aware of that and understand how they deal with power.

I think that people sharing experiences, particularly in how they dealt with the situation as it arose in BDSM, would be very helpful to new subs and Doms who might have been victims in the past or who might be venturing into BDSM with someone who was a past victim. Perhaps there might even be help for past rape victims in overcoming the trauma that happens with every transference of power.

I'm going to make my response short. I think that the biggest issue at hand is for the Domme to know their sub very well and for there to be a strong sense of trust so that the sub knows that they will be cared for and not hurt. Sometimes a little reassurance can go a long ways.

Make sure that the safewords or colors if you choose to use them instead are very clear. The Domme needs to be listening for the words red and yellow and if the Domme notices a change in posture or tone of voice then they should ask their pet for their color.

Again the biggest issue is trust. Work up to roughness, spend long periods of time warming them up by rubbing over their body and spanking for awhile before flogging or using the quirt, viper, dragon's tail etc...

I was raped and I was molested, and I will admit that my interest in bdsm really scared me but I'm doing well. I trust Jen with all my heart and I trust our dear Domme friend as she has guided me through several scenes and I thoroughly enjoyed it, but it would not have happened had I not trusted her this way.

A Domme has to be very patient and understanding in these situations as well as ready to stop and do damage control in case of emotional distress.

*deep breath*

I agree with what Dusty said I know I shall be watching for changes in tone and posture as well as for listening to her colors and working her up to anything major and I know there are certain things that will never be worked up too.

I myself at first was scared at my interest in BDSM because I was abused and molested through out my child hood. I carry scars to prove that fact inside and out. I don't know that I can actually go through a scene being subbmissive but I shall find out soon. Yet I want to try because I know that it's something that I desire.

With the trust you issue you have to respect what limits the one you are playing with has and not exceded them as well as making sure that what ever you are doing is agreed upon by them it lets them have some control on things.

James Blandings said:

There have been many wise words written on this thread already, so I will just add a little bit of personal experience.
My former submissive was a victim of childhood rape and sexual abuse. She informed me of this at the outset of our relationship, but downplayed it and assured me that it was something she had come to terms with and could handle.
As time went on though, and our relationship deepened, the issue began to surface more and more often. She became almost addicted to being in subspace, which seemed like a good thing, but we both came to realize that she was using it like a painkiller. We struggled with this for a long time. But it was obvious that BDSM was not right for her. I'm no therapist, but what I believe, and she does too, is that she craved hard physical play and rough sex that led to the release of subspace because she could got find closure for the real physical and sexual trauma she had endured. Eventually, we had to end our relationship. I have been in BDSM for over 30 years and I would have walked away from every bit of it for her, but we both knew that the shadow of it would always fall between us.
I have the greatest admiration for those of you who have triumphed in dealing with these issues. thank you for this very important thread.

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This "she craved hard physical play and rough sex that led to the release of subspace because she could got find closure for the real physical and sexual trauma she had endured".