Abuse, help for victims and issues related

Recently, many posts on this forum spread over several threads have dealt with abuse issues. Additionally, a recent event that I don't feel I can talk about in an open forum has caused me to come face to face with a particular abuse situation involving someone else. That situation appears pretty grim on the surface. At first, I was caught way offguard, I had no idea how to reply. Before I did, I did a little homework to find some help orgs.

As a result, I'd like to start this thread to discuss issues related to abuse without going into the semantics of whether or not it's part of BDSM. One thing I think we can agree on, abuse abounds, and that it is unacceptable in any situation. I'd like this thread to discuss these issues and point victims toward help organizations.

Here are a few things I'd like put out to start off:

* If you or someone you know is a victim of violent abuse, contact an appropriate local support group RIGHT NOW. If you don't know of one, then contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If it's a person you know and that person consents, make the call yourself if you have enough first hand information. The NDVH can also be reached on the web at www.ndvh.org for general information and additional contact info.

* I can't think of a single good reason to continue an abusive relationship. Especially if you are a victim of a violent relationship, get out of it NOW. If you know of such a victim, encourage them to get out of it NOW.

* Inexpensive lodging can usually be had at various shelters or at the local YMCA. It may not be the Ritz, but it's generally safer than eating teeth, peeing blood or covering bruises with sunglassess or makeup.

* No one should suffer abuse unwillingly at the hands of another.

* No one hurt should be denied healthcare in case of any injury. This is clearly abuse.

* Abuse comes in many forms, not just physical.

* Men are victims too. Don't dismiss someone's claim because of gender.

* Help exists, but the victim must be willing to accept it. Otherwise, there is little that can be done.

* Abusers need to be stopped/helped too. Once the victim is safe, these people need to be dealt with to stop them from victimizing someone else. These people generally don't stop abusing just because one victim has been removed from a situation. They often go on to abuse others.

I'd like to point out that I am no expert on domestic violence. I just think everyone has a right to be concerned and that we all have a responsiblity to make sure it doesn't happen our watch if at all possible. Please post anything that can be added to offer information or help.

One more thing: don't let your discomfort with a situation cause you to ignore it as I almost did. Point out that help is available and WHERE. It's not too hard, and it could make a huge difference.


Thanks for listening.

Thank you Monster for taking such a sensitive approach to this issue.

I would just like to add that if anyone in the Houston area finds themself in an abusive situation, just pm me. I have many resources in the metropolitan area. Of if you just need to talk, pm me.

Kink Aware Professionals is a nationwide group that offers judgement free help to the BDSM community in medical, legal, psychiatric, and financial matters.

http://www.bannon.com/kap/

Monster, thank you for this thread.


Again, again, again: if you are being abused, you have to decide to leave.

If you decide to leave, there are ways to get out of your environment safely. Beginning with us here and spreading into your city, there are people who will help you.

When you leave, you cannot go back. Abusers don't stop cuz they miss you. But you deserve more than endless stretched-out minutes and hours and days of terror and pain. You deserve alife like the one you dream of.

Never ever accept being abused.

Leave.

Decide to leave and leave.

One can always start over again someplace else, someplace where you can feel the soft evening breeze playing over a body not bleeding or bruised, where you talk to other people and not wonder if they'll change, suddenly, into the maddened beast who hurts you on a whim.

Those of you in BDSM relationships who are being abused: what you are experiencing is a gross perversion of what you wanted, isn't it? Good, supportive, loving, intimate BDSM relationships do not include bad pain, at least not ongoing, terrifying, ignored bad pain. If that's what's happening to you then you are being abused just the same as that wife down the street who gets beaten every Saturday night by her drunken husband.

You deserve better.

Walk away.

Pack your clothes and go.

Your life is waiting for you.

monster666 said:

One more thing: don't let your discomfort with a situation cause you to ignore it as I almost did. Point out that help is available and WHERE. It's not too hard, and it could make a huge difference.

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Thank You for posting this information I'm sure it'll come in helpful to people.

I'd also like to add that I'd rather err on the side of caution, giving someone useful information, instead of sending them packing with a harsh word. It may take a little more time but in the end it could be what the person needs.

This is such an important subject, I have been in some pretty bad situations in life and sure wish i'd had some of this information to help out. Thank You Monster666....

I think we all need to really study our own limitations. Especially in this lifestyle. We all know that when it feels good, do it but if it gets bad, stop. Translating that to a Dom can be difficult if you are gagged or in some other way hindered from speaking.

Perhaps non-verbal signals would be considered as acceptable ways to put a stop to pleasure/pain/that's gone over the edge.

Cynthia Zane

~bump~

Just because I think this thread needs it.

Monster666, this is wonderful. Thank you for bringing up this topic. I just replied on another thread to something similar.

I second the sentiments above and want to add that SS&C is a two way street. How can we expect someone to take care of our basic safety needs if we won't do it for ourselves?

We walk such a fine line in our BDSM lifestyle but I do feel that there is a CLEAR line where what we do can become abusive. When this happens ya gotta get out.

Cymbidia, what you said about not going back is sooo true. I did my internship at a women's shelter and so many of the residents would return to the abuse only to come back to us hurt even worse. Abusers do not like to be found out and do not like to lose control. It rarely gets better after a break, statistically it will only get worse.

There is so much that is involved in why people go back but the bottom line is the abused person has to take control of their life and safety and it will not happen until they are truly ready to do so. The reasons some people stray from the basic instincts they have to protect themselves are as varied as the number of people involved?

I hope this isn't too trite for such a sensitive topic but think it may fit. Anyone remember the 70's song "50 Way to Leave Your Lover"? What I can remember of it is streaming in my head as I type. "Just step out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Just pick up the key, Lee. And set yourself free."

HotXBunz said:

I hope this isn't too trite for such a sensitive topic but think it may fit. Anyone remember the 70's song "50 Way to Leave Your Lover"? What I can remember of it is streaming in my head as I type. "Just step out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Just pick up the key, Lee. And set yourself free."

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I think it's perfect. Don't need to be coy, Roy.

Well, I'd quote the entire thread, but that'd be just a tad redundant. I agree with all that has been posted so far... completely.

If it's abuse...GET OUT...don't wait untill your arms, legs, ribs or other bones are broken......don't wai untill you're almost dead from blood-loss.....just GET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

For anyone who is in trouble in the Austin area, feel free to pm me..... I have a few good contacts.

Be well, be safe, be happy.

KW

It isn't always easy to "get out" of an abusive situation, especially one that is D/s. A submissive makes a vow to her/his Dom/me and often fears what may happen when they try to leave. Or they might leave only to be brought back again and again. i wish someone could have helped me, and some really wonderful people wanted to. But in the end i am right back where i started...sighs...such a hard reality to have to live with.

touchoflace said:

It isn't always easy to "get out" of an abusive situation, especially one that is D/s. A submissive makes a vow to her/his Dom/me and often fears what may happen when they try to leave. Or they might leave only to be brought back again and again. i wish someone could have helped me, and some really wonderful people wanted to. But in the end i am right back where i started...sighs...such a hard reality to have to live with.

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If you had really wonderful people wanting to help you, why didn't you let them?

If you are back to where you started from then you didn't want out badly enough. You didn't take the help offered you and you didn't learn enough about yourself to not make the same mistake again.

If this seems harsh I'm sorry. I don't mean for it to be. But I've been in a situation where I was abused. I was a child and I finally wanted out enough and got out. If a child can, then so can you.

You want out enough now? Walk out the door and take yourself to the nearest Police Station or Emergency Room. They can and will help you as long as you tell them the truth. It's their job.

As for the D/s situation...it's stops being about that when it turns to abuse. It's been said here before and will be said again. Abuse is Abuse...It's not BDSM.

Greetings lilfrk,

Thank you so much for your reply to the thred. Your reply isn't harsh at all. And i should say i did get out of that abusive D/s relationship. It was not an easy thing for me to do, and even tho so many people wanted to give me that help, in the end i had to do it on my own two feet and stand strong. It took a very long time, and i went back to Him several times before i could sever that final tie to Him. i was just trying to point out that often submissives feel that they would rather endure the abuse then to break the vows they made to a Dom/me. Often submissives feel failure to a Dom/me by leaving, and will stay in the relationship blindly hoping that it will change. i was an addict to my need to please and serve Him, and as with all addicts i was in denial. It wasn't until friends intervened and pointed out to me what it was that i was being subjected to was abuse that i really started to pull away, and eventually begged for release. i understand abuse very well, i too was abused as a child, and i have been thru several adult relationships that were abusive also. So i can relate to your position on this subject well.

Oops as a post script to my last posting, i just want to add that i view myself as someone who is surving abuse. My situation has changed but the abuse stays inside of me, and is greatly a part of who i am. i take things day by day, and i struggle with the emotional as well as physical scars that i have. Like i said in my first posting on this subject its a very hard reality to have to deal with, but to survive it is a huge step in the right direction. So perhaps if someone else who has been in my shoes is reading this they too can have a little hope that things can get better, and although you carry it with you, you can go on and be strong. i should have been more clear in trying to express myself and now hope that my rambling gets my point across.

Touchoflace, you really hit home on a lot of the reasons people stay in abusive relationships, fear of faiure, taking oaths seriously, low self esteem, fear of being brought back and reprisals. These are tough barriers. Also, I am glad you are a survivor and healing. You are not alone.

One thing the women at the shelter said was the most difficult was pressing criminal charges. I can really see this in a BDSM relationship. We enter these relationships expecting a certain amount of extreme sensations and discipline. Our partner expects to be able to push limits and expect a certain level of servitude and whamo, Mr. Policeman is at the door with a warrant.

Communication is essential in our relationships to avoid these situations? If we can not communicate, how can we, Dom/me-sub alike be safe? It is indeed a tricky line we walk but the bottom line is accept NO abuse.

That's the thing about abuse of this nature.

A lot of times there is nothing the person on the outside can do to help the person on the inside without staging an intervention. That means going in and removing the abused from their situation.

The thing about abuse that most people forget about is that it always begins as mental abuse.

"I don't know why I put up with you."
"You aren't worth anything."
"You're lucky I keep you because no one else would want you."
"You're stupid."
"You're worthless."
"You should be glad you have me because you wouldn't have anyone otherwise."
"I wouldn't have to hit you if you weren't such a fuckup."
"If you weren't so bad I wouldn't have to do this to you."

You get bombarded by that enough and you believe it. Particularly since abuse leads to depression and low self-esteem and low self-confidence. When you're depressed people don't want to be around you because you're needy and you're depressing.

The worst part of abuse is the mental part. The part where the abuser convinces the abused that they deserve what they're getting. The abuser convinces the abused that they are worthless, stupid, ugly, that no-one wants them, that they can't live without their abuser, that they are such bad people that they deserve to be abused.

That's why it's so hard for an abused person to break loose because they have to get rid of the brainwashing and they have to do it by themselves in a lot of cases. They want out, they don't want to be abused, but they're convinced that abuse is what they deserve or that they don't deserve to be helped or that they don't deserve to leave.

Nothing can be further from the truth, but to get them to believe it is difficult.

Thanks for starting this thread Monster - just had to say - anyone out there in the UK who needs help feel free to send me a pm - I worked for a year on a domestic violence line and for 4 years at a womens centre. I WON'T try and counsel you through it but I will put you in touch with your local safe house/Rape crises etc etc where-ever possible.

Male abuse - don't laugh - it exists !

Thanks for the sensitve advice on domestic abuse - i.e. non-consensual violence, either physical or psychological. I am a man and it took me years to finally leave a 20 year abusive relationship with me on the receiving end. I stayed because I have three kids and because of gender stereotypes I couldn't get any form of support. In fact a lot of friends and professionals would just snigger.

I am much happier now and am living with a wonderful woman - we are both into various areas of bondage and sensual play however there has to be a clear line drawn between abuse and play. I would urge anyone in an abusive relationship to walk out NOW. I really wish I'd done it 15 years ago. While you are in it you believe that you cannot leave, once you go you wonder how you managed to stay !!!

I was a victim!

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=147811


hehe