Domestic Violence and Being Whipped

I'm married, and I have a long distance relationship with my Master. In my r/l relationship there is some domestic violence. Lately, I've been bothered by my needs for certain things. I like to be spanked, for instance. But now when I discuss this with my Master (he knows about my abuse) I wonder what he thinks. Once, he asked if I subconsciously pushed my husband into hitting me, because of my desires. I know that I don't. When my husband hits me, to put it simply, I feel ugly and stupid and unloved. My need to be "hit" in a BDSM relationship leaves me with very different feelings.
But I still feel strange when I talk with big M-- especially lately, because I've told him about several instances of abuse in the past couple of months. So now when I talk about my needs, I feel odd discussing a whipping after I've just recently told him that I was slapped in the face.
And this year, a few times, I have asked my husband to spank me during sex. I'm sure that's a very weird thing for me to do under the circumstances.

Does anyone understand this? Can anyone relate?

I can relate to a point.

Many people having differing sexual tastes also have backgrounds of abuse.

It is apples and oranges once the issue has been dealt with. However, your Master would be correct to be concerned. Your being a violent relationship is bound to impact the relationship with your Master.

Without going into a lot of clinical stuff (it is late) I would suggest you contact your local service provider who can assist you to address and cope with issues of domestic violence. They can help you explore the impact the relationship has and will play on your current and future relationships.

And my best advice, get out of the domestic violence situation. It is hard, but needs to be done for you to be a whole and healthy person.

PM me if you want to talk. I am sorry I am not making a lot of sense!

I can't relate, but I can understand.

Abuse is abuse and we both know what it feels like and how it rips you up inside. There's nothing like abuse to destroy your emotional make-up.

I can't say anything really pertinent, but I hope that you never ask your abuser to do anything remotely BDSM to you again. It could blow up in your face in more ways that you can imagine.

Are you leaving the abuser, I hope I hope?


*hugs your way*

Good advice from Miss T and KillerMuffin. By bringing any element of BDSM into the relationship with your abusive husband, you run the risk of spurring him to greater abuse, as he may now feel in his mind that you wanted it.
As far as comparing the consentual whipping to unwanted abuse, that is similar to comparing consentual sex to rape. They are only the same thing in surface appearance, not in their basic nature.

Miss Taken, you do make sense. At one point, I wondered if being in a sometimes abusive relationship influenced my decision to want to be in a D/s relationship. But then I reminded myself that I've been submissive since I was younger.

KM, I did take the children and leave at one time. But I unfortunately (and like a weak wimp), caved into threats, and now we are together. Sometimes things are fine, but other times...

My relationship with my Master/lover/best friend is my mind's salvation. Thanks to him, I'm not completely nutty.

I have a half baked theory....

many submissives find themselves in relationships highlighted by domestic violence, not for the physical abuse, but for the mental power that is exhibited by the offender.

Without sufficient knowledge of a healthy BDSM relationship, those of us who need to experience the power exchange, may find ourselves with controlling men who abuse their power.

We need to submit.

Those who require submission are not always Doms. They are offenders.

And until we know what our needs are and how to have them met in a safe, sane and consensual manner, we may find ourselves in very bad , even abusive relationships.

Pain and pleasure are very much in the mind. There are some submissives who tend to associate with abusive dominants because they need to feel wanted. We all do. But, abuse is all they have known, so they think the abuse is a show of love. It can be confused with a loving D/s relationship, but it isn't one. The mind set of abuse can become so strong, it can be difficult to exist away from it.

In the BDSM relationship, there is pain and pleasure too. But, don't get the two confused. They can look similar to an outsider, but from the submissive's point of view, they are very different.

Submissives like to receive pain for sexual reasons. This pain will meld and create pleasure in their minds. But this pain is controlled by the limits they set with their partner. The submissive is actually the one in charge in a D/s relationship. It may sound funny, but it's true. When the submissive says STOP, the Dom/me will stop. If this doesn't happen, this person isn't thinking of your welfare. They are being selfish, and are on the edges of, if not into full blown abuse. Abusive and selfish traits in a personality create a dangerous combination.

It is possible for a submissive who has been abused to find a loving D/s relationship, but it will require a lot of trust to feel safe. The past abuse is deep in the mind, and sometimes a raised hand is all it takes to bring the thoughts back. But, with time, love and patience, it can work out to be a very strong bond between two people.

Drop the abuser and go with your Master, if you feel he is not an abuser. If he understands your situation, that could be the first step to getting away from your abusive past.

My father used to claim that my mother pushed him to hit her, that she wanted it. She in turn claimed that I did the same, that I wanted and deserved the beatings she gave me.

And it did encourage my masochism--I learned to derive pleasure from pissing her off by not responding to her abuse. I'd stand there and take it, without crying out, without breaking down. I was taller than her at nine, yet I'd stand there towering over her while she abused me, and I did nothing because I was taught that you never raise your hand or voice to your parents.

Today, I'm a full-grown masochist. I use pain to experience pleasure, a part of my brain I thought I'd burned away by living as I have and going through what I've experienced. I use sexual pain as a kind of therapy at times, as a way to get body and mind connected in a way that allows me to *choose* what I've had inflicted on me, time and time again. I use it to feel powerful--to master myself and my own responses in the same way I found satisfaction in when I was abused. But still, I did not want or deserve the beatings I took. They made me feel worthless and unloved, at times I felt like no one could love me if even my parents did not. I deserved better.

Even so, the abuse didn't stop until *I* put a stop to it.

There's nothing wrong with your sexual desires, Wicked. But, the person you're physically with doesn't understand the idea of consent, or he wouldn't behave as he does. With such a person, you will always be at risk. With this person, you will never be able to have the kind of satisfying relationship you crave, as you will never be able to trust that he'll respect your needs, desires, and limits--nor that he'll treat you as you deserve to be treated, like a person of value and importance.

Please, please, find a way to leave. Do it not just for you, but for your children as well. Even if he never touches them, this will and does affect them. In my own case, the fact that she kept going back to him seemed to support his claims, and encouraged me to grow to hate them both--him for his viciousness, and her for her weakness. I can say with confidence based in long years of personal experience that abusers don't just stop; only you can end the cycle. If there's any way I can be of help in the direction of getting you out of there, please contact me.

sweety there is a big difference between enjoying sex spankings / bdsm and abuse... My question is WHY??? Why haven't you put a stop to the abuse or gotten out of it.... Your Master is right to be concerned as to your mindset.... when I have a slave I make sure they are not being abused or looking for real abuse instead of the type handed out in bdsm.... really hun take a good look and thhen act on it...

Those who require submission are not always Doms. They are offenders.

Click to expand...

This point needs to be emphasized. When I was reading the responses here, I thought to myself that the central difference between an abusive relationship and a loving D/s one can be summarized in one word: TRUST!

Abusers seek power to unleash their anger and feelings of inadequacy. They generally do not know a better way to influence their lives and those around them. Their abuse is a betrayal of trust, not an affirmation of it.

Doms -- good Doms anyway -- never EVER engage in play when angry. And as DVS noted, subs are in charge of the relationship. She can stop the whole scene with one safe word. I would never in my life do anything to actually harm her, and she knows that. Giving me power is her way of expressing her trust -- and love. It's the ultimate expression of that, IMO.

It's why we call it "power exchange". Abuse is not an exchange in any sense of the word.

Wicked, I feel for your situation but I also need to echo what others have said. No matter how hard it may be, or what hell you have to walk through it cannot be worse than the hell you are living in now. No human being deserves to feel like they are "ugly, stupid and unloved". Not ever. A good Dom will be able to fill your needs and still make you feel beautiful and very loved. Please get out while you can.

Ross

I just want to echo RisiaSkye's response to you, WickedEve... I lived with domestic violence, first as a child and then as an adult...

As a child, I too watched my mother being abused by my father... and then, as the identified scapegoat in the family, I was abused by my mother, and at times by my father as well.

I, too, had to make a decision to leave an abusive relationship as an adult. But the impact of living through my childhood, made it difficult to see that I had just replaced one abusive relationship with another...

Today the relationship I have feeds my soul, it doesn't destroy it...

WE, you have to leave. If you can't convince yourself to do it for you, then do it for your children.

Watching abuse-- and they know what's going on-- is abusive to them. If you have any, you're both teaching your sons to abuse women. If you have any, you're both teaching your daughters to accept abuse. It hurts them to see you abused.

Miss Taken said she can help you find centers that will help you. They can find lawyers that will help you. You have enough reason to believe that he will hurt you or carry out any threats he makes that you sever all contact with him once you take your children and leave. You can require all contact with him to be through lawyers only and issue a restraining order. If he threatens you, you can have him thrown in jail because stalking is against the law in almost if not every state. Contact those centers and shelters, find out what you need to use against him legally if that ever becomes necessary.

You just have to make yourself believe that you deserve better than what you have and leave what's become a comfort zone to something that's so much better. You've done it once, a second time should theoretically be simpler. You're the only one who can choose to leave.

I know that I'll be here for you, whatever little I can do for you, if you need me. I know that your Master will be there, too.

I did not see you mention if your real life mate knows about your Master, I do not think you want him to know. If you get in a situatuion where you seek legal action, he will probably use it against you and be successful. He will say any damage was part of a mutual scene and will use your relationship with your master to prove your D/s proclivity.

I want to thank everyone for all their words of wisdom, and for giving me much to think about.

Thank you,
Eve

WE,
Please, please don't ever confuse abuse with your need for BDSM. There is a difference and I know you are quite aware of that. Domestic violence kills your spirit. Often, even if there is a will to leave, you are too tired to try. I want you to dig down deeply, and find some options. And, I am serious when I offer any help I can provide. Please.

WE, spent most of my free time today thinking about your situation...hunny dont let him break your spirit..... remember that being a sub has one crucial point... you choose to be the sub and be spanked ect.... your in control of your body and soul... be strong hunny and i will pray for you...blessed be

I don't think that's so half baked at all. It makes perfect sense that it could be that way in may cases, though I would be hesitant to apply your theory too broadly.

MissTaken said:

I have a half baked theory....

many submissives find themselves in relationships highlighted by domestic violence, not for the physical abuse, but for the mental power that is exhibited by the offender.

Without sufficient knowledge of a healthy BDSM relationship, those of us who need to experience the power exchange, may find ourselves with controlling men who abuse their power.

We need to submit.

Those who require submission are not always Doms. They are offenders.

And until we know what our needs are and how to have them met in a safe, sane and consensual manner, we may find ourselves in very bad , even abusive relationships.

Click to expand...

.

I have but one word...RUN

Eve, i just want to tell you, you are not alone in this. I grew up in a normal family, it was when i married the first time that got me into trouble. My first husband was an abusive plain old evil man, he delighted in my pain. he took my submissive heart and shattered it, he made me feel less than worthless, lower than low. he also taught me that pain was pleasure (sounds messed up don't it) that was the only way my mind could accept what was happening to my body, was to turn it into something good. After leaving him, and that took me 3 years to do, i was lost and torn and confused. I KNEW i was a submissive person, I KNEW i craved physical punishment, but where to turn? What to do? I had lost all the trust i had in human beings, especially men (no offense guys) i found a Master who taught me to trust again, and it was a long road for us both. But it comes down to something that has been repeated here time and again SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL. Trust your instincts on this one hun, what your mate is doing to you is WRONG WRONG WRONG. Don't let his abuse destroy that most inner part of you. get out get out get out get out. In staying you are not only hurting yourself, but your kids as well, its proven that children who see abuse grow up thinking its okay and that can lead to a viscious cycle you don't want to be part of. There are shelters throughout the world that will help you, and trust someone who's been there, he cant get to you there and all his threats are worthless. There is a huge difference in being submissive and being abused and lord love your Master for being worried, it shows he cares....Please get out and get help....

"Love me" i said....he replied "No"....i knew then, it was time to pack my bags and go.....

Click to expand...

I've known subs who have abusive relationships then find happiness in a bdsm one.

Wicked Eve.....your post ENRAGENS me...

Not even a flicker is directed towards you though...it's aimed straight at your RL partner and your M.

Abuse and rape makes my entire inside turn into a hard,,cold knit...those who has seen me says it's seen on the outside as well...

Unless you physically is attacking him he has NO RIGHT to hit. NO RIGHT AT ALL.
Sad to say I only got my hands on one abuser so far....he has moved to the other side of the country,,never bothering the girl again.
Your Master knowing and not acting makes him partly responsably in my eyes,,but still it is your partner that is the main malfunction.
In my experience,,there are only three things that can make an abuser to stop:

1) They get counseling and help to understand what they do wrong and how to stop doing it.
This is the best solution,,however very rare to happen on it's own but is almost always a result of a jail sentence for their crimes against a woman.

2) Someone puts so much fear in them that they don't dare do anything again alt. makes sure they are physically incapable of further abuse.

3) That they kill the woman and stops because they can't find a replacement.


Unless he agrees to counseling,,send him to prison if you love him at all (see 1 above) or if you care about the women he might meet in the future.
If you can't find the strength for it,,take the kids and leave.

Kind regards
/BP

SailorC272002 said:

I did not see you mention if your real life mate knows about your Master, I do not think you want him to know. If you get in a situatuion where you seek legal action, he will probably use it against you and be successful. He will say any damage was part of a mutual scene and will use your relationship with your master to prove your D/s proclivity.

Click to expand...

Not to mention that if your husband fits the typical controlling/abusive profile, if and when he finds out about yoru online "Master" he (husband) is VERY likely to fly off the handle and probably REALLY injure you

This's also one of my arguments against online "Masters".........they tend to find women in bad situations and prey on them mentally without contributing anything to their lives. You say it's your sessions with him that keep you sane......I say your sessions with him are a crutch to proper yourself in an abusive situation. A true Master's first & foremost concern is with the health and wellbeing of his subjects. Yours obviously isn't too concerned about you or he'd be worrying more about you getting out.

IMHO, of course If he IS telling you to leave, I take it back
(but still think "online BDSM" is generally a bad thing )

Raindancer said earlier:" domestic violence kills your spirit." I couldn't have said it better myself.

Women in violent relationships are being emotionally pillaged, and poisoned. At some point, the abuser convinces the survivor that she "brings it on herself".

The abusers' sickness and self loathing is a contagious poison which slowly gets into the survivors' soul and deteriorates her spirit from the inside out. It is reinforced stronger with each violent episode, each slap, kick, bite and punch....each cruel word.

I know from experience that you will not leave until you are ready, and on your own terms. I hope and pray that you reach this point soon, and before you are crushed completely or worse.

Please understand that you owe it to your children to raise them to be compassionate, self confident and free people. As long as you keep them in the situation you are imprisoning yourself in, you are unwittingly passing the complicity of abuse on to them.

I once asked my ex-abuser this question: "How would it make you feel if some other man was doing this same thing to me that you are doing right now?"

A friend once asked me:"How would it make you feel if you had a daughter and she was being treated like you are being treated?"

You are someones' daughter. You are a mother with the responsibility to nurture your children. You are a woman who needs her spirit and body cared for and nurtured.

You are not, under any circumstances, a piece of property to be mistreated and hurt. You are not deserving of being beaten, kicked, slapped, punched, spoken cruelly to, or otherwise mistreated.

Please know that there are survivors out here and others who care that offer you respect and love until you can generate it in yourself.

You deserve better. Go get it.

*bump*


I feel like bumping tonight.

Some recent posters have seemed to have some thoughts or questions on issues that have been introduced on the forum.

The beauty of a bulletin board is that the wisdom of those gone, remains and waits for the input of the new comers.

Have at it, all!