OK, so what the hell am I? Sick?

I've lurked on this board for a while, but never really had the need or want to post until now. I'm having a little sexual identity crisis right now, and I'm hoping someone with more experience than I might be able to offer me some insight.

I'd like to say right now that I'm not in the BDSM lifestyle, and I don't think it's for me (though I can't be totally sure having never experienced true BDSM play to the extent some of you are) but all my sexual life I've always thought I was a sub. It's just something I intrinsically know just as I know I'm heterosexual. It's a part of my sexual identity.

I don't think I'd be interested in heavier play than what I've been exposed to, which is "light" bondage with ropes or simply my lover holding my wrists restrained, spanking, and being commanded what to do by him in the bedroom. I also like to be hurt, without actually being hurt. If he bites my neck or my nipples hard enough to hurt...straight through the ceiling with me. I consider myself 'nilla with sub/masochistic leanings.

I just ended a 2 1/2 period of celibacy, which was by my choice for personal reasons. I trust the man I'm with and enjoy experimenting with him, doing things I've never done before - he's more experienced/less inhibited than I am...at least for now - and I trust him not to go too far and force me to do something I'm not comfortable with. We are not Master/slave or D/s and I doubt we will be. It's just that I am slightly submissive, he slightly dominant. The majority of the sex we have doesn't involve D/s play.

That said, there's something else I've always known but have never really told anyone. I am extrememly turned on by reading accounts of, or watching video of, torture, and not necessarily of the sexual variety. Now, let me make this very clear...to watch these acts committed in front of me would sicken me, but in the "third person" I find them very arousing. It disturbs me that I enjoy these watching these things, but it doesn't change the fact that I do enjoy them.

I was horribly physically abused as a child, and I hypothsize that might be a reason, though I don't know what psychological basis it would have. Also, could it just be a mental extension of submissiveness? But OTOH, wouldn't that make me a sadist/dominant? How can one be a sadist and a masochist at the same time? Or a sub and Dom at the same time? Am I switch? Do I need professional help or do I just have the mindset of this all wrong?

I apologize for the long post, but I'm hoping someone can field this one...

What you read and enjoy as fantasy doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your actual sexual desires or behaviors.

I read incest stories.
I would never fuck a family member.

Apples and oranges, babes. Relax.

What R said, plus this:

Cirrus said:

I'd like to say right now that I'm not in the BDSM lifestyle, and I don't think it's for me (though I can't be totally sure having never experienced true BDSM play to the extent some of you are) but all my sexual life I've always thought I was a sub. It's just something I intrinsically know just as I know I'm heterosexual. It's a part of my sexual identity.

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I'm just curious: what is "the BDSM lifestyle"? I'm curious at how we would define it - all of us, not just Cirrus. I think it's gonna be one of *those* phrases, the ones that cannot be pinned down to one definite and precise meaning.

So what do you mean by that phrase, Cirrus?
Others?

I consider myself 'nilla with sub/masochistic leanings.

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I mean no disrespect at all, just want to make a thing very clear: being a sexual submissive does not automatically mean one is also masochistic. Being a sexual dominant does not automatically mean one is a sexual sadist. In fact, i'd guess (based on nothing much) that most people have bits of all those characteristics floating around thier sexual psyche's, and quite comfortably, too.

We are not Master/slave or D/s and I doubt we will be.

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Those are just handy terms, Cirrus. "Master/slave" and "D/s" are just shorthand for some of us to talk about shared headspaces.

In reality, my idea of what is meant by the term "Master/slave" and your idea of that same term might bear no real resembelence to each other.

In fact, i know that's true for Risia and me, for example. If it's ture for us then it's probably true among the rest of us, too.

This is a hard thing to talk about, this BDSM thing, without falling into sinkholes cuz we don't have a common language around the concepts. That's part of the reason i think BDSM'er tend to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and fucking talk to each other: there's no common language if we don't. Asking "Do you like to be flogged?" is just not the same thing as asking "Do you want to go to the movies?" or even "Do you want a good hard ass fuck?" It amazes me that any of us can talk to any of the rest of us sometimes.

I am extrememly turned on by reading accounts of, or watching video of, torture, and not necessarily of the sexual variety.

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So, i'm guessing you know all about Dolcett's drawings, right?
(;

Don't sweat it.
Like R said: fantasy is fantasy.
Reality is reality.
Both have thier place.
Sometimes they overlap.
Sometimes they don't.
Such is life.

Just cuz you think it, or masturbate to thinking about it, or talk hot to your partner about does not mean you want to do it. One is not bound to do what they find erotic. One is not judged on that, either. Not under the BDSM umbrella, anyway - or not often.

How can one be a sadist and a masochist at the same time? Or a sub and Dom at the same time? Am I switch?

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You could be a switch.

Do you feel like you want to try on the emotional/mental/physical aspects of sexually dominating someone - maybe not your current partner but someone else, someone you might not know yet?

I know for sure that one can indeed want and need to do "things" to one's partner that might be viewed on the suface, by an outsider looking in, as both dominant and sadistic - but the "things" are neither.

I'm a masosub, a masochistic submissive. I need to please my partner. I've had more than a couple switch partners in my life, too, all of whom were dom to me because i don't switch. The headspace weirds me out. However, within the heat of my relationship with my partner, whatever s/he needs from me - if s/he always maintains control of the energy flowing between us - is what i will give.

My present play partner is a switch. In fact, with me, it's his first time domming, something he's a total natural at, btw. But he's got a wide maso side that lies atop the just-as-wide sadistic streak. When we play, therefore, more and more, we're doing so in a way that offers him sensation while he's offering it to me. He wears really tight nipple clamps while he's flogging me, for example, or a big butt plug - clamps or a plug that i put on/in him.m It excites the hell out of me to excite him - and since he controls our play, controls the direction and flow of the energy we create when we touch each other - i can do anything to him, anything, and have it be a pure flowing of my submission to his needs.

You see?

The labels are cool for the movies and for the stories but they just don't really fit that well in reality. They give us a place from which we can begin talking about this stuff - but they're not clean and tidy boxes into which many of us fit comfortably.

Do I need professional help or do I just have the mindset of this all wrong?

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Perhaps you're all wound up and what you really need is a glass or wine, a hot bubble bath, and a good orgasm.

Cirrus, it sounds like you're inhabiting that space i've come to know and love as "Confusion Junction." I keep coming back to it after wandering down one of the many roads that meet there.

Noone can really answer your questions but yourself. And it's okay if it takes you some time to really answer them. Or you may think you know the answer, one aspect of your life changes and you're right back at the Junction wondering again.

As long as you keep looking and learning, eventually you'll be able to leave the Junction behind and continue down the right road(s) for you.

I've found over the years that most of those active in BDSM are "part timers" and by that I mean it's restricted to a form of foreplay prior to and during sex.
There are those who live it 24/7/365, other than needed interaction in the 'vanilla' world but those are a small segment compared to those who use it for titillation and arousal.

"In the Lifestyle"....

and why I feel I'm not.

cym asked an interesting question, and I'll give a boring answer.

Let's see... Labels and buzz words.. here's the file.

I don't consider myself "in the lifestyle" for two very important reasons.

Imprimus, I am not currently in a relationship.

Secundus, I am not part of any BDSM-related social group, and with the exception of a friend I made here (hi, Miss T! ), don't even know anyone I would feel comfortable talking to about this part of myself.

To me, that's what "in the lifestyle" means; being a part of a social apparatus (like a Munch Group) or in a relationship where these needs are an issue.

Cirrus?

Please don't worry about your fantasies. As long as that's all they are, you're okay. I concur with cym's assessment of your "wound up" state. Go unwind!

cirrus, don't worry too much. really. we've all got our kinks. i'm not "in the lifestyle" by anyones definition. i have met a few partners who will engage in some bondage play, allow or disallow certain actions, sensory deprevation, some masocistic tendancies... i find it more attractive than vanilla sex... but i don't want to be in the lifestyle even part time and i don't fid it something i'd ever get seriously into, despite the fact that it will alwayz be part of my sex life because it beiung me pleasure and of course the ever amazing orgasms. ^_~

and i'm going to be one more person to concur, fantasies, are fantasies. "nasty, dirty, bad" things done between two concentual, mentally capable adults, for mutual enjoyment, aren't "nasty, dirty or bad" for one thing - as long as there is respect for each other. second, just because we like to see something, doesn't mean we want it. we've all experienced that. ever said "that's pretty, nice, interesting, cool" about something you saw in a store, something that caught your interest but which you didn't have enough fascination with to actually *want* but then you ended up getting it for christmas from some ont meaning well but unable to tell the difference between something you wanted, and something you were interested in? thatz the same kind of difference. just because it holds your interest in the store doesn't mean ou want it in your home and just because you like to read about it or see it in a movie doesn't mean you want to do it in real life.

don't worry.

Thank you, all. You know? You guys are completely right. I threw up a BIG mental roadblock, somewhat confusing my fantasies from my realities. As in if I enjoy it in fantasy, then I might enjoy it in reality, and that scared me because of the nature of what it is that I am enjoying. And I never DID get around to having that orgasm...

To answer the question, "in the lifestyle" for me means-

1) that BDSM play is a must to enjoy sexual play to the fullest and...
2) that the D/s relationship is maintained outside the bedroom to some degree.

If anyone would like to me elaborate on either of those, I shall.

PhoenixPrime:

I completely agree with both of those statements Cirrus. In my current relationships that's how it is. Other than necessay vanilla contacts we live it 24/7 and yes they call me Master and I call them slave for that is just how we wish it. A true and full D/s relationship. *soft smile*
Mstr PP