is there a guide line

I think from my other mot first post some of you already know my Dominate and I are looking into poly relationships and still thining on those lines I was wondering if there was a guide line or a code of ethics or whatever you would call it that you all used when you were screening or looking for your Dominat or submissive partners.

I know what we want and that SSC is and has to be formost a major factor as well as descretion.

I guess what I am asking is when you first met your Dominate or submissive what were some of the upper most impotant things you were looking for and how did you go about finding him or her and finding out if you were right for each other.

*thinking I really hope I am making since *


Thank you kira

My current, brand-new dominant is someone i met in my local BDSM community.

Before that it was someone from the BDSM personals at alt.com.

Before that it was someone i met in an online place sorta like this.

Before that, she was a co-worker.

That takes me back almost 16 years. Before that, they're lost in the mists of time, sadly. (Or lost in what was then an alcoholic stupor? Or is it the 70's drug use which killed the part of my brain cells holding those memories?) We'll just flash backwards a bunch of years and not worry overmuch about missing memories, okay?

My first dominant, 30 years ago, was someone i knew socially in my little hometown. He chose me, saw in me what i didn't even really know - my submissive spirit.

~~~~~

Of overriding importance to me, always, when choosing partners for, well, most anything - but particularly for this kinda thing - is
1. high intelligence
2. a really wild sense of humor (If one cannot laugh at - and during - sex, when can one laugh? Sex is funny stuff!)
3. a thoroughly evolved ability to communicate verbally in all situations, especially when feeling stressed or sad or overwhelmed
4. compassion and sensitivity to needs/emotions of the people around them (That said, i *don't* want someone who tears up at the sound of crickets chirping in the morning dew, you know?)
5. the emotional maturity to know themselves in a way that will dispense with the games children play. (Been there, done that. I'm an adult now and i don't want to play kid's games in my emotional relationships.)
6. a very high degree of kinkiness. (I can't emphasize this enough. I do not and have not wanted, for many years, to play with complete novices. I don't want to teach someone the basics of power exchange relationships and that it's okay to pee on each other if we both think it'll be hot - or even a giggle. Again, been there, done that. It's not all that much fun for me anymore.)


I reserve the right to add to my list when other people come up with things i haven't thought of.

cymbidia

Thank you for your response, I read it when I first got up this morning and it has given me food for thought, and something to think about all day.

adding my own thoughts here, I think in any partner a sense of fairness, openmindedness, kindness and a sense of well being are all so important. I don't think I for one could be with someone who was forever putting themselves down, been there done that and all it does it brings you both down.

Commications is a very key element I think to me the most eseinetial one because if I can't talk to someone and them to me how else am I supose to know what they are thinking and how they are feeling and vise versa. ( I know that after a time when you get to know someone you can just feel whats going on with them and they with you but that takes time and good commicating)

Honesty from the start is a must. I'd rather know everything(good or bad) up front from day one then to be told one thing and then a week or so later have someone come to me and say oh yeah ya know what I told you about such and such well what I really meant to say was.......

I know I'll think of some other things later right now its just to earlier in the morning for me to think straight.

edited.

Well said Cym ... you always know what to say ....... I'm always reading ...wanting to reply ... not knowing how to put it into words ... then you come along and save the day

____________________________________________________
I'm always reading ...wanting to reply ... not knowing how to put it into words
____________________________________________________


I know just what you mean Rooster, I see all these wonderful threads and in my head I know what I'm thinking but can never find the words to say it just right.

Kirabeth said:

I know just what you mean Rooster, I see all these wonderful threads and in my head I know what I'm thinking but can never find the words to say it just right.

Click to expand...

If you have the words in your head, you just let them out, flowing easily, through your fingers. We *want* your words, your thoughts, your experiences, your questions. We *want* you to feel at ease here, among us, a part of the warp and weft of this place.

If you have the words in your head, you just post them.
As you post, your thoughts sort themselves out.
If you need to change a thought, go back in and change it or post again, clarifying.

Speak up.
No one will hurt you.
We don't flame here - we don't even yell much, unless someone really asks for it by insistentely and flagrantly violating the rules and informal standards we have here - but y'all aren't likely to do that, are you?

Post without fear, without hesitancy.
Post what's first out of your brain, in your mind, on the tip of your tongue.
Post without censoring yourself, without asking "Is this silly?" "Does this sound weird?" "Am i being perfectly clear?" "Has someone already asked this?"
Post in the way you speak, without trying to be all formal and proper.

That's how you do it.
You just post your thoughts.
Then someone answers you.
Then you post again.
Pretty soon you're dispensing advice and recounting adventures and offering humourous asides like you've been doing it forever.

Thank you Cym and everybody,
so far everyone has mad eme feel at home here, and I am learning so much everday from reading all the wonderful threads and everyone is being so helpful answering the questions I have. Thank you all fo rmaking me feel comfortable and at home here.

PS. keep all the wonderful advice coming it really is so helpful and I appreciate it so much.

thanks kira

Thanx for the thoughts cym

Well said, cym. And let me add, it gets easier and easier the more you do it.

Kira, I went to a few munches around, and I joined a local org that was part of a national chapter of PEP. Still love em to death!
When he approached me, I asked around about Him, I asked a friend who had subbed for Him before. And then I made sure to attend a demo/play party that He was Domming at.
I found Him thru a local organization is how I met Mine.
Hope it helps.

I wish we had some local orgs here ... none that we found ... hard to ask about too

I found my local munch through another group. I did a google search with my city and state and the words BDSM munch. That led me to a yahoo group that is pretty much an announcement list. I got lucky and there was an announcement from my area and contact information.

It's worth a try, and you don't have to leave the computer.

Ahhhh ... never thought of that ... Thanx

Rooster?
Done a google search with the name of your state and/or the nearest kinda big city and BDSM and munch?

an example, for me, i might do a goggle search that looked like this:
"San Francisco" BDSM munch
all at the same time.

If i did that, google would return to me 620 links in 0.14 seconds.

Now you try it...
Go on...
It's your turn...




edited to add: Damn you're quick, mg!!!!
And you give good info, too.

cool .. found some stuff ... though feel like a dumbass for not thinking of it before *Slaps head* D'oh

kira

When I am considering a new sub I have found reading the body and the eyes, tone of voice and breathing will tell Me as much as the answers to My questions can reveal.

I expect an honesty that flows naturally and have discovered the answers I recieve generally give Me more information than I asked for. It is often that spontaneous extra info that shows the internal depth and need I am looking for. My questions are asked in expected ways and when I see a comfort and rapport beginning I will throw and embarrassing question into the conversation, out of nowhere. Catching a sub off balance like that will sometimes cause a sweat to break out or relieve a tense moment to show a sense of humour in ways that are not expected. I watch for these nuances which are as important to Me as the answer itself is. The body language speaks volumes to Me as I watch for vulnerable positions of exposure or the signs of holding back when the arms are wrapped protectively over some area of the body. I watch the eyes which often come to Me in nervous excitement. I wait for them to soften in contentment. If the eyes never soften and the arms never relax I know there is no point looking further.

I only have an interest in a sub that WANTS and NEEDS to obey, not just for My pleasure but for their own emotional well being. A sub that can tell Me the difference between training and discipline and why they need or do not need a combination of the two. A sub that can articulate the deepest reasons why they can never be content with less. A sub that has the courage to outline what mistakes they have made in the past that has them still looking today. It is a strength I value in a sub.

I look for intellect that is not pompous, simply taken in stride.

I am interested in submissives that have enough confidence to be able to struggle with jealousy when it is felt and eventually be able to understand there is no need for it. A submissive that can understand and appreciate that some Dominants are capable of controlling, caring for and loving more than one submissive at a time.

I look for beauty on the inside that shows itself naturally and am completely turned off to vanity no matter how beautiful the outside is.

The kinks never even need to be discussed until I am satisfied with the demeanor. The honesty and the intellect.

A small sample of what I look for

thanks so much for all the wonderful advice and information so far.

Thank you for turningme on to google searches I had not htought of that before.

can you elborate on what questions you would ask please.

thank you kira

More specifically the questions


(I expect an honesty that flows naturally and have discovered the answers I recieve generally give Me more information than I asked for.)

I try to make My questions serve a triple purpose...The authenticity of the submission...the needs they have from a Dominant...as well as the minimum they can grow from and be content with.

I ask these questions as much to push their self awareness as to discover compatibility.

# 1 HONESTY
How deep do they believe their honesty should be and can they live up to that depth. Do they believe that the Dominant must be as honest as they are in all ways.

(If I get an answer that Dom/mes do not need to be totally honest...there is no reality..and really no need for another question)

I ask if they have ever been hurt by dishonesty and if so how and when.

( The answers will tell Me of any trust issues that may come from the past that will effect the future)

# 2 CONTROL

In what areas do they desire control. Domestic, Private, Public, Sexual, TPE, Partial, etc. Do they WANT the control or NEED the control. Do they need to have even the most minute details of their lives controlled.

(This will tell Me if they seek as much control as I am willing or able to provide. Or if they do not need to recieve as much as I need to take.)

# 3 JEALOUSY

Could they cope with another submissive in My family even if they preferred to be the only one. Could they build a deep and binding friendship with a sister or brother submissive. Could they be supportive of the other submissive yet still remain loyal to My ways.

( This will tell me if there is any chance the submissive could fit into My lifestyle as I am a trainer of submissives and Dominants and have been known to own more than one sub at a time. In fact it is My preference)( It will also give Me a guage on their self esteem.)

# 4 DRUGS and ALCOHOL

Do they now or have they ever had a drug or alcohol problem. Do they use either socially. Are they judgemental of people that do.

( This will tell Me if they may have addictive personalities..or if I should look deeper into the trust issues. Also tells Me to think about illness or disease.)

# 5 BISEXUAL

Are they Bi or Bi curious.

( This will tell Me if they will fit into My lifestyle which is definately bi. If a fem sub tells Me that she is gay..lesbian...no chance in hell she has a bi bone then I know that this could add contention in My home.)

# 6 Well I will step down now so you can digest this..if you really want more of course I will start batch 2 for you.

^^smile^^^and I wish you all the luck in all you search for

Thank you so much shadowsdream, this has been very helpful.



PS..I am taking notes here so ya'll keep all the wonderful advice and inforomation coming.


Thank you so much kira

ok the real # 6 then

# 6 TRUST

I ask the submissive what there is about a Dominant that wins their trust or loses it. Emotionally and phsyically. I ask if trust should be freely given or earned. Is it as important for the sub to trust the Dominant as it is for the Dominant to trust the submissive and in what areas are the trust issues the same or different.

( If I recieve an answer like * i always trust the Dom/me to know what is best for me* I know I am being fed a bowl of crap or am dealing with an intellect that brídges on insanity!)

# 7 RESPECT

I wish to know what respect means to the sub. Who deserves it and who does not. How they think respect is shown and why they feel that way. I wish to know if a submissive defers to all Dominants just because they are Dominant or if they are comfortable treating a Dominant that does not own them as equals.

( If a sub says they defer to all Dominants I know that this sub may be in danger when entering Dom/me space. In that case they may obey orders that they have no business submitting to and lose their place at My feet)

# 8 VANILLA LOVE

I wish to know if the sub is in a relationship ... married/girlfriend/boyfriend in the vanilla world. If they are I wish to know if the partner knows about their submission and that they have come to offer it to Me. ( a test of honesty again) Most times if the answer is yes there is a vanilla relationship it will also quickly be admitted that the partner does not know.

( When I mention the honesty issue here they will likely tell Me that their honesty belongs to Me and they don't want to hurt their partner.) This indicates several red falgs..not only do I have an honesty issue I will also have to fit My Domination into their schedule..not only the work schedule but the other partners schedule and I will be infringing upon My own honesty...this is a see ya later baby sub in My opinion.

enough?

Thank you shadowsdream, you don't know what a God send you have been so far,

*wonderingh ere shold I just say uuhhmmmm yes to your enough but then I know me and good advice one can never get enough of and so nope as long as you don'tmind giving it I'll keep coming back for more.*

again Thank you Shadowsdream.

thanks kira

My pleasure kira to give the small hints I am able to...

# 9 PRIDE

Is the submissive proud in their submission, strong, with their head held high or do they see it as a weakness in themselves making them inferior to the Dominant. Do they feel like a valued treasure or are they greatful for every scrap of attention they are thrown.

( If a submissive has no pride in their submission how can I feel proud in their submission, without pride there is no gift of value for Me to accept.)

# 10 HARD LIMITS

A question that can be a little complex with the unexperienced as often they have really not thought it through. I have 3 limits that MUST appear on the list and even when I have heard those three I will throw other possibilities at them that they may not have even considered. I do not do this to show they should be added but to cause a discussion about possibilities of things that never entered their minds and may turn out to be turn ons or offs.

( A sub that says to Me *i* have no limits...I trust You in all things to know what is best for me...tells Me I am dealing with an ass kisser that will be kissing ass before they have been given that honour.)

# 11 PUNISHMENT or DISCIPLINE

I want to know if the submissive knows the difference between punishment and training. What those differences are. If they need one or the other and why. I want to know what types of behaviour they need corrected and why.

( During this phase of questioning I will be watching the sub to sink to a deep level of seriousness no matter what we were discussing previously. The core of the reality I am looking for is the growth the sub seeks. If they understand the needs are complex and can identify them with every ounce of their humanity, in pride and acceptance I know I have found a sub that can become everything they ever dreamed of by the gentle firmness of My hand)
* a complex area to explain

# 12 TRAINING

Does the submissive understand the reasons for training, domestic, sexual, endurance, pain and service. Do they desire or need this training in all the mentioned fields. Does only one area interest them.

( If the sub answers that through training they gain security and growth I can see they seek to increase My pride in the toy I own.)

# 13 DOMINANTS

What do they seek in a Dominant that are MUSTS. Do they look for a firm or a gentle hand. Do they need consistancy, understanding, empathy, tolerance, flexibility, someone that is a Master..ooops Mistress of whips and chains or is mind control their biggest need. Can they be happy with a vanilla partner that is Dominant in the bedroom or do they need Dominantion in every room in the house 24/7. Can they submit to a switch and if not why.

(Here I will discover all of the failed previous relationships based on wrong choices or settling for less than they should have. I will also see if I have any potential of being the Domme they dream of or not)

# 14 SUBMISSIVES

What do they think are essential qualities in a submissive. What gifts do they bring to the Dominant that makes them stand out amongst the others. Do they understand the difference between slavery and submission. Do they recognize that one has no more value than the other.

( Here I will discover pride once again..reality..hopes and dreams for the future.)

a few questions that are the essentials but I am sure it will be interesting for you to see a bit of the reasoning for play questions as well so if I haven't bored you to much with the standard fair I will move on to the toys in the next message

Toys...again NEED or WANT

Yes in reality it is separated into both categories if you wish to get a true picture that takes you past just the information of kinks and turn ons and deep into the psychology of control.

# 15 BONDAGE

What do collars and cuffs mean to the sub. Do they see them as physical or emotional bondage or both. Why. Do they fear them or crave them or simply accept and expect them. What emotional and physical sensations does this equipment evoke. Do they have a preference for leather, rubber or rope and why. Do they have issues from the past that make them fear either.

( Here I learn another level of control they need to give or retain)

# 16 COLLARS

Do they crave collaring. Do they understand the true value of a collar and how hard it is to earn. How do they feel in a collar... private, public. Have they ever been collared in real life before..online. How many times..for how long.

( If a sub has been collared before I will wish to know why they are not still collared. If it has been more than one time and not in real time I will take them much less seriously. I will suspect they do not know the true value of a collar but will struggle a little to be understanding if other answers show they have been used by less than ethical Dom/mes)

# 17 WHIPS

Does the submissive need to feel the lick and fire of a whip or is it a toy they endure for My pleasure only. Do they have a love hate relationship with it or a raging fear of it. Have they had good or bad experiences that they can't get past.~Do the stripes bring them satisfaction and pride or do they see them as all they deserve. How do they feel about the use in discipline versus training and why. A preference to floggers or crops or single tails etc.

( Here I discover if there are masochisitic needs, sexual satisfaction or emotional connections)

# 18 LEASHES

How does the sub feel about being leashed. Do they feel humiliated or loved and cared for. Is it a feeling of safety or worthlessness. Do they experience anything special when they hear the clasp close on the ring of the collar. Do they feel trapped or freed.

( Here I can see another level of control needed or not)

# 19 GAGS

Any previous experience or fantasies around gags. Do gags cause panic reactions, sexual reactions, sub space or any other emotion. Is there a preference for any kind of gags. Ball, inflatable, rubber, bit, penis, etc. Why. Do they understand why a Dominant may use them.

( I love gags...for silencing and humiliation..but can still see potential in a sub that has issues with them.)

# 20 BLINDFOLDS

How does the sub feel when blindfolded. Is it a freedom to experience sensation and trust or is it a terrifying endurance. Are there past issues around blindfolds that need to be dealt with. Is it a want or a need and why.

( Blindfolds are always used when I am being bathed so it is a tool that I insist on. Here I discover if it will be an issue)

Well I have been typing for an hour and a half and I am tired of you. ~~grin~~~just kidding.

Of course the well hasn't run dry yet but if your note taking hand is falling off just say so.

Shadow, thank you so much for your reply to Kira.

Your words and thoughts help me tremdously. I have been exploring this Domme side of me, with Himself's blessing and I find your words extremely helpful to me.

Himself and I joke about the Dom/me Handbook, but I think your words would make a fine beginning for one.

Thanks so much.