Dom/mes; men-of either stripe, or switch.

And novices. I'd really like to hear your thoughts.

And experiences.

KestralWolf, BlackWolf, DVS, UrbanRiot, Lance, any others, please come post here.

And Artful, if you see this. Did you know your thread, on the GB board, was just about the funniest thing I've ever seen? Dot. Dot. Dot...!

I'll take whatever I can get, but I'm particularly interested in...
how do you decide on taking on a sub?
how do you make sure not to hurt one, especially emotionally?
what mistakes have you made?
and, this question is a little awkward, but, what do you get out of being dom?

Thank you in advance.

--Sandia.


Edited to add:

And one more question: are femdom's (non-professional's, I
mean) genuinely rare?

(also, I did not mean to discourage anyone, when I referenced the folks above.)

Originally posted by Sandia

how do you decide on taking on a sub?

Click to expand...

Well, actually, this is usually decided by the sub, herself. I may be the lucky one that she asks, but there are times when I am the one who asks. Many times, it is the sub who does the asking, after she studies you for a while. This happens a lot if you are a member of a munch group or such.

Over time, they will become at ease with you, and let you know their feelings. They have to be at ease with you, because they are going to allow you to beat them and control them. That is a tall hurdle for most. There are a lot of crazy ass hole men, out there, and the need to know you aren't one of them.

Personally, I look for a nice smile, nice looks and an athletic body (only because of the different sexual athletics I will put her through). But, above anything else, she must have a mind and a sense of humor. An intelligent mind will also be more fun to torment, if you know what I mean.

At the expense of making enemies of the scaly crowd, I don't like submissive fish. She must have the personal power to say no, when she has to. After all, if she doesn't tell me no, how am I to know if I have overstepped a boundary? The sub is ultimately in charge, and if she can't say no when she feels she should, she could be hurt. Just deciding on safe words isn't enough, if she will never use the word, if she needs to.

This can be because she was hurt in a past situation, and maybe she can be brought out of it with time. But, she needs to be able to take care of her own person, when the time comes.

how do you make sure not to hurt one, especially emotionally?

Click to expand...

Well, you can only do your best. I am emphatic on giving the most information I can, and making sure to answer any questions completely and honestly. Be as open as you can, and allow the sub to feel she/he is free to ask you anything and expect to get an honest answer. It comes down to two things. Communication and trust. One feeds the other and over time, you will both reap the benefits.

what mistakes have you made?

Click to expand...

I try not to make mistakes. But, I do pay for it, in the long run. Because I make sure I explain everything, I can over explain and this will sometimes scare someone off. I do have a problem with being so open that people think it is fake and they think I am hiding something.

I am into electro play and that is sometimes taboo for people. That word electricity can be pretty scary. But, it doesn't have to be. If you explain everything, answer all questions, and go slow, even a phobia or limit can be crossed. A lot of this is in the mind, and only a phobia or limit because of their past experiences or just because of the unknown.

It does take time to develop a relationship, and first impressions can damage one, if they come in with baggage from the relationship before. Yes, stereotypes are powerful, and being a man, it is difficult to prove I am a nice guy, and not out to just get a free piece of ass.

what do you get out of being dom?

Click to expand...

A free piece of ass. LOL, a little humor keeps life interesting.

No, really I get the satisfaction of being in control and actually getting the kinky sex I have always wanted in life. I have been a dominant person in my sex life for as long as I can remember. I don't know anything else. It is just a part of me. So being a Dom is just being me.

I also thoroughly enjoy giving a woman the satisfaction she wants, too. In fact, her satisfaction can sometimes thrill me more than my own. I get into the 'how' of it all. The journey to her satisfaction is the fun part for me.

But, I am not really a dominant person except in my sex life. I don't think I would ever want to be a 24/7 personality. I like to be more vanilla some of the time, when it comes to my every day life. But, anything involving sex I will always be on the kinky side.

DVS

Thank you for your reply.

Just one question, if you don't mind: whaddya mean by "fish," here,
and is there really a scaly crowd?


--Sandia.

Re: DVS

Sandia said:

whaddya mean by "fish," here,
and is there really a scaly crowd?

Click to expand...

Fish is a term for someone who just lays there during sex. They don't seem to care if someone walks all over them or uses them. They either aren't really into sex, they have no will of their own, or just don't act like it. There are fish in both sexes. I like someone who stands up for what they want or what they don't want.

As for the scaly segment of the population, sure there is one. Actually, I just used scaly because I had also used a fish reference. But, there are other names for them. Just the seedy, unsavory types who seem only be there to take advantage of you or what you have. And, it was a tongue-n-cheek thing to say I didn't want to make enemies of them. I guess it was my dry sense of humor coming through.

********************************************************************************************************
I'll take whatever I can get, but I'm particularly interested in...
how do you decide on taking on a sub?
how do you make sure not to hurt one, especially emotionally?
what mistakes have you made?
and, this question is a little awkward, but, what do you get out of being dom?
********************************************************************************************************


I'm gonna turn this around just a bit answer from a subs perspective or just give my 2 cents worth anyway.

I could never be with anyone who I coul dnot talk to who could not also talk to me, and I mean talk about anything, sex the weather, our goals our fears our dreams etc. etc. being able to commicate openly and honestly are very important to me.

I have to know I can trust him/her and that in return they can trust me. I have to k now that my limits will be respected and I won't be critized for them, and in return he has to know I would never critize him for any that he has, that I will respect them.(hoping I am making since here)

In my opinion a good Dom will always ask how their submissive is doing if she is comfortable what she is thinking, if she is ok. and a good submissive will tell you how she feels, if she is ok. or if something is wrong. because you both haveto know where the other is in their mindset.

not all accidents can be prevented cause we all know they do happen from time to time but you can take precautions and try to prepare for them, and if they do happen make sure you know what to do. I have never had to use it and am very thankful for it
but both my Dom and myself are profient in CPR and first aid and its something I recommend everyone be certified in. and then you hope you never need to use it. but like I said accidnets do happen sometimes no matter how safe we think we are. (this was notmeant t obe scary I hope it di dnot come off that way)

I guess for now thats about all I can think of but am sure I will think of more.

kira

rereading DVS's response and thinking to myself,

free piece of ass hahahahaha

since when was a piece of ass free............


now damn good sex on the other hand ........and kinky to boot......lol

I just could not resist saying it
Kira

Thank you!

for replying, Kirabeth.

I'm gonna turn this around just a bit answer from a subs perspective or just give my 2 cents worth anyway.

Click to expand...

I appreciate both your cents.

I have two questions for you if you don't mind.

Do you think a D/s relationship should be a full time live in relationship?

And,

Do you think a dom asking the sub what s/he wants interferes with the play?

Thank you,
Sandia.

Re: Thank you!

Sandia said:

Do you think a D/s relationship should be a full time live in relationship?

Click to expand...

Ooooooh - should be?
Everyone's relationship is different. Some will go to 24/7, some will never come near 24/7, and both of those are true (as well as all the sadhes of choices between the two ends of the spectrum) for an almost infinitely wide variety of reasons.

Everyone's relationship should be fulfilling and a thing of joyful satisfaction, i think, but beyond that it's simply up to those involved.

Do you think a dom asking the sub what s/he wants interferes with the play?

Click to expand...

I gotta tell you, once the play starts, i find it incredibly distracting to answer a question that sounds something like, "Well, honey, what should we do now?" or "Do you want me to use the tawse or the flogger next?"

Those questions are not the same thing as, "How are you doing?" "What's going on in your brain, with your emotions?" "Are you okay?" "Is this [some kind of play] feeling good?"

If the energy is flowing, the heat unfolding, and the play moving along, i do not want to take any kinda sexual control. I'll tell my partner if it's getting to be too much by yellowing out or if i freaking by calling a red. I'll echo back to my partner what i'm feeling, how he's doing, if i'm getting off on the play. I'm *very* verbal.

I do not, though, want any part of the control while we're in that play headspace. It'll freak me out, just that. I don't switch. I'm not comfy on top. When we're playing, i just want to do what i do - sub to my dom - and not have to worry for a moment that he's gonna stop and hand me the reins for a few seconds so i can figure out where the buggy we're riding in is going.

No thanks.
That'd be a fast way never to see me again, quite frankly.

I have been married to my Dom for 13 years, but no I don't feel all D/s relationships have to be live in, it depends on the people involved in it and what their needs are.



Do I think the Dom asking the sub what he/she wants interfer's with the play?

when he ask me if I am ok I know he is thinking about me and what I am feeling, Iknow that my feelings and saftey matter to him. and he would not ask if he did not care.

but on the other hand if he asked me is it ok to do this, or can i do this or would you like me to, it would turn me off and kill the moment.

so I think it is just how you do the asking.

CYm, you siad it so much better than I did you always do.


my thoughts exactly.


I like knowing he cares and wnats to know how i feel where I am emotionally.

But having him ask for permision form me before he did something like place the nipple clams on would freak me out and kill the moment fo rme anyway.

Sandia said:

how do you make sure not to hurt one, especially emotionally?
what mistakes have you made?

Click to expand...

I feel like I am writing the same thing in at least two different places today but still this is on my mind right now.
Mistakes made; not focusing on the reality that I want, getting lost in illusions and thereby unintentionally hurting another person by not being honest. That said I do not think that there is any "insurance" that one can get against that, communication and honesty give a good foundation though.

VP

I'm a switch, but I'll share my dominant thoughts.

Sandia said:

And novices. I'd really like to hear your thoughts.

And experiences.

I'll take whatever I can get, but I'm particularly interested in...
how do you decide on taking on a sub?

Click to expand...

I don't, exactly. She'll pick me, if I'm the kind of person who interests her. It's important to me that she knows what she wants, and that it's me she wants. Body? Not terribly important, the kinds of play I enjoy aren't very athletic, though they can be demanding in their own ways. Intellect, humor and playfulness are all important to me if I'm going to be in a relationship with someone. Oh, yeah, she'd have to be a geek like me.

how do you make sure not to hurt one, especially emotionally?

Click to expand...

Talking. Lots and lots of talking. and when she's done, I'll think very carefully about what she's said. Then I might say something.

what mistakes have you made?

Click to expand...

Lack of discipline. In the sense of "Discipline is remembering what you want." I forgot myself, and wasn't the best listener. wasn't the best me I could be. Paid for it with a relationship that went down the crapper. Lesson learned. There's always another time.

and, this question is a little awkward, but, what do you get out of being dom?

Click to expand...

Hmmmm. Tough one to answer. There's the thrill, the rush at playtime. The feeling of pride that comes from knowing she's mine, she chose to become mine. The joy of having somone to commit my energy and attention and imagination to. The pleasure of being able to express a part of myself.

Wow.

I have a lot to say, so I apologize in advance if I take up several posts to do it...:rollseyes:

I don't, exactly. She'll pick me, if I'm the kind of person who interests her. It's important to me that she knows what she wants, and that it's me she wants. Body? Not terribly important, the kinds of play I enjoy aren't very athletic, though they can be demanding in their own ways. Intellect, humor and playfulness are all important to me if I'm going to be in a relationship with someone. Oh, yeah, she'd have to be a geek like me.

Click to expand...

Spectre, thank you for posting.

This is important: "She'll pick me..." Is it fair to say this is a widely accepted rule? Should one wait for an explicit invitation before beginning any play - even strictly online converation?

And, I'm really asking here about whether this is a BDSM convention, not about the intricacies of friendships and flirting... I know that's a whole 'nother conversation.


Thank you!

Sandia.

Reactions...?

I found this on "Basic Protocols and Etiquette," on Ambrosio's BDSM website... (thanks, Cymbidia.)

Submission is a gift. The submissive chooses the Dom/me. (I'm from a school of thought that every thing the Top does should secretly be for the benefit of the submissive. I try to please my partners and reward their expectations. As Princess Krista is fond of saying "Topping is the ultimate act of submission.")

Click to expand...

I was struck by the paragraph, particularly the last line, and was wondering if anyone had comments about it.

--Sandia.

She'll pick me.

Seems pretty basic to me, but I was raised to be an old-fashioned gentleman. Get the door for a lady, make sure she's seated first, that sort of thing. I slip once in a while, but I try hard to remember things like that. As to the quote, I don't see how it can be any other way. Someone has to choose to give themselves to another, has to decide to cede "control" (in whatever form). That person is submissive. That person chooses their partner, the person who now "holds the leash".

The person responsible for the safety and happiness of their submissive. It's only counterintuitive on the face of it; the submissive is the one in charge, by the fact that they can stop, and by the fact that they've chosen to start. They might not call the shots in the relationship, but they're still the focus; the game's still about them.

Sorry if this post was a bit jagged. Lack of sleep is catching up to this Beast.

Nighty Night.

Not jagged at all

Spectre. Have a good sleep.

What you say makes perfect sense; it is what I've suspected or believed in my bones for years.

I've been sitting here thinking about my last question, and I've realized it's not a question at all, but a comment:

Aren't relationships, especially ones like these ridiculously complicated?

--Sandia.

the submissives chooses the Dominant

Yes that is very true for Me...I have never approached a submissive for play or a long term relationship. I never will. Because submission is a gift that must be freely given it must find its seed in the magic a sub can see in the gift of My particular Domination.

I am offered submission often but it is seldom a gift as I know the submission would be offered to the first available Domme that will listen to the plea for Domination. Since I enjoy more than the play of the moment and My ego is in no need of massaging I get no special kick out of these offerings. That having been said, I melt inside at the true gift, held out to Me in genuine need for My particular brand of control.

If I see a sub that melts My heart in their unique beauty I will watch them and enjoy every nuance about them. I may day dream about the possibilities. I may night dream with lust in My thoughts, but they will never see anything but My smile. I will not encourage them to desire Me in any way that does not come naturally just from seeing the person I am. They must create their own magic.

Submission is our gift of trust to someone who we believe will use the power exchange to benefit us both.

Our submission, true and real, cannot be guilted from us, it cannot be wrested from us, it cannot be demanded from us. We choose to give to someone in particular or else it's of little reality and less value.

We give it when we must, when we can no longer keep from kneeling, our heart beating in our hands and outstretched toward our dominant, submission made tangible.

It is the submissive who chooses the dominant in this manner because, well, how else can it be? Can the dominant force true submission from one who doesn't feel it? Such would not be consensual, would it? It would not be the fiercely erotic joining we all long for, would it?

Within the day-to-day business of being D/s together, the dominant controls much, but the initial choice does truly belong to the submissive.


~~~~~
"Topping is the ultimate act of submission."

In scene, the energy is so violently immediate between dominant and submissive that i can't imagine either existing without the other. Who's to say which of them is submitting to the needs, desires, wants, fantasies, dreams, wishes, etc at that time? Both, though, derive incredible benefits from the echange.

Tops?
Bottoms?
I'm less sure with respect to these guys.

I'm a sub, not a bottom. There's a very clear distinction for me, in my life, between the two, and i sub to dom/mes, not to tops.

Maybe someone else can comment on the subtle but gotta-be-there headspace issues between topping a submissive and dominating your submissive.


~~~~~
Sandia, far from being ridiculously complicated, there's something intrinsically soothing and almost meditatively zenlike, to my mind, in our kind of relationships. They are so easy: one needs only be honest, verbal, and open-minded from the beginning to make a success of them. It's the other kind, quite frankly, the kind where no one really knows who they are with respect to their partner and everything shifts around on a day-to-day basis that confuse me.

Sandia, far from being ridiculously complicated, there's something intrinsically soothing and almost meditatively zenlike, to my mind, in our kind of relationships. They are so easy: one needs only be honest, verbal, and open-minded from the beginning to make a success of them. It's the other kind, quite frankly, the kind where no one really knows who they are with respect to their partner and everything shifts around on a day-to-day basis that confuse me.


Agreed 100%...

Hoping to continue the conversation...

Perhaps it's just where I'm coming from
right now, in this part of my life...
but no. I've always thought relationships
were difficult, and mysterious.

I'm glad to hear that D/s relationships are simple.

My prior experiences with play
have always been with the context of traditional, or at least
vanilla
relationships. Perhaps that's what you meant, cymbidia, when
you referred to peeps who don't know what they are.

And Cym, if you don't mind, I'd love it if you'd explain a little
about the difference between tops/bottoms and dominants/subs.

Shadowsdream; may I ask how much your dominant personality
shows in your everyday demeanor? When you relate to subs,
who approach you, in play, do you respond in kind?

--Sandia.

Shadowsdream; may I ask how much your dominant personality
shows in your everyday demeanor? When you relate to subs,
who approach you, in play, do you respond in kind?



Certainly I can try to describe My everyday persona. I live and breathe My chosen lifestyle. I am confident without arrogance and would no more think of pushing My Dominant personality on the vanilla world than I would think of mellowing it for the BDSM community that I travel in. I am calm and centered and can generally be found in deep conversations of the mind and emotions. My opinions are strong and well thought out and I have a tendency to assist many to understand why they behave as they do and the ramifications, both positive and negative that may occur.
My body language is open, My personality is caring and supportive. My smile is almost constant and I have a good sense of humour.
I hope I do not sound self centered but it is really difficult to answer the demeanor question for Me in any other way than to describe My personality.

When a sub approaches Me in play I respond in good humour if I am approached in good humour. If I am approached respectfully I respond respectively. If I am approached in a way that shows the sub thinks I am obligated to play with them because I am a Dominant I will treat them to the coldest disdain they have ever encountered.

I have a very low need for casual play so a sub is more apt to get that kind of play attention from Me when their Dominant hands Me the leash and an evil smile and suggests a lesson from another hand. I am firm when I take that leash, yet neither losing the respect for either. Both hand this gift to Me and I take it in pride and hand it back with the subs pride in tact as well of that of their Dominant. The most important thing to Me is that the sub feels valuable, proud and strong if My hand has touched them in any way.

I hope I haven't walked around the question.

I hope I haven't walked around the question.

Click to expand...

Not at all. I liked reading what you had to say.

--Sandia.

cymbidia

Found it:

Good question, Monster. I think this is one of those on which some us will readily agree while others have an altogether different interpretation.

To me, a submissive is one who brings to her dominant partner (and, thus, into the whole-person evolving relationship they are building) needs that extend from the physical into and through the emotional.

This definiton is in contrast to a bottom who thrives on the sexuality and sensation play between the top/dominant partner and herself but who doesn't want or need, and is not offering, much in the way of emotional submission and whomay not want much in the way of an evolving relationship beyond the sexual play they share.

Again, these are only my own definitions, useful in my life, in my relationships. Neither is better or worse than the other. Neither is more committed to her way of life than is the other. I am making no value judgements between them; both are entirely normal and "good" ways to behave and enjoy what pleasures BDSM has to offer. I've been both.

Click to expand...

Sandia said:

how do you decide on taking on a sub?

Click to expand...

I will echo the others here. I do not pick my submissive, she chooses me. I am not a desperate thing, to go running around frantically searching through the gutters for anyone who professes submission. Neither am I pompous, or conceited, to snub a submissive of quality who seeks me out.

Any submissive I have entered into a contractual relationship with, has been intelligent, deep, witty, a bit spiritual, and has had a good deal of common sense. These things are highly important to me, as is the deep burning need to submit to another.

Bodies, faces, I could really care less about, as I am no prize, myself. As long as she has the stamina to be safe during extended play sessions, then all is well.

how do you make sure not to hurt one, especially emotionally?

Click to expand...

Erf. This is a hard one. Communication. Being painfully honest so that she knows, without a doubt, that she can tell me anything...can confess to any weakness, fear, or worry that she encounters. Knowing that I can tell her anything I need to. Communication, communication, communication. It is as essential to D.s/M.s/M.g/M.b relationships as air.

what mistakes have you made?

Click to expand...

I have let fear overtake me, and ran away from a relationship as a result, losing something precious....I have stilled the lines of communication about aspects of myself so that when those resurfaced, they took her by surprise

and, this question is a little awkward, but, what do you get out of being dom?

Click to expand...

Might as well ask what I get out of breathing. Being a Master to my boi is as fulfilling as a combination of: The best wild, visceral music you've heared, the best sex you have ever had, a drink of cool sweet water after long exertion, and taking that deep deep breath after swimming underwater.

It's something I need, and crave like a pregnant woman craves strange foods.

The wonderfull feeling of holding the reins, knowing that my boi needs what I can give, needs to give up all control to me....the heady rush the first time my boi kneels to me, the warm glow of contentment, and rightness.......

And one more question: are femdom's (non-professional's, I mean) genuinely rare?

Click to expand...

Hmmmmmm I think, not rare, but not a plethora thereof.


Namaste,
Kes

my 2 cents

hey

Just wanted to say I enjoyed reading this thread. I am probably about as new to this type of situation as anyone can get...I like hearing what you all have to say. I think to be able to submit to a partner for me would be the ultimate gift. To relenquice my control to another the ultimate in trust and faith. I like hearing what you all have to say makes me more secure I have found the right place to explore my thoughts on this thank you all for sharing.

Green