How will I know ...?

I feel really awkward ... but I have to get this out of my mind ...

How will I know if I'm a Domme? It must sound like a stupid question, I know. I guess you will say: If you're not sure, you're probably not. Anyhow, I will just give you the facts.

1. I've been fantasizing about dominating men since I was 5. I remember going to bed rubbing my Labia and thinking about my Kindergarten friend, how I would tar and feather him and then pluck the feathers and scrub off the tar, or locking him up in a rocket (!!!) almost to tight for him to breathe or other stuff.

2. Nothing gets me off like reading about female domination. I have a very kind, sweet boyfriend, we have great sex, but I've never had an orgasm with him. Reading a story from the BDSM category and rubbing my clit always does it for me.

3. Speaking of the boyfriend: I feel a growing need to spank, scratch or bite him really hard during sex. Yet I feel I don't want to hurt him, especially not emotionally.

4. I hate violence. I can't even watch a movie like Fight Club. Reading about people getting beaten up brings me to the verge of tears.

I'm really confused. I don't know what to do. I would appreciate any kind of advice or shared experience very much, either way.

Susan

P.S. Please excuse any mistakes. I'm not a "native speaker".

SexySusan

What a brave post, particularly for a number 1 !

I can't offer much advice. I'm a newcomer here myself,
and have only limited real-world experience.

But I self-ID as switch, for what it's worth.

I think if you have D/s fantasies, then you're included here.
I think that's all you need, and I hope you won't let anybody
tell you different. (Not that I think they would.)

I guess you will say: If you're not sure, you're probably not.

Click to expand...

That's the very last thing I would say. I think you can come here,
and post, and talk about things, whether you do nothing ever
but fantasize or decide to become a full-fledged whips and chains
dominatrix. Or just play a little with your boyfriend.


Anyway, my impression is there's a distinct lack of Dommes in the
world, so I expect folks will be encouraging.

Sandia.

Being Dominant doesn't make you a Domme.

Having fantasies doesn't make you a Domme.

Nor do they make you submissive, Switch or vanilla.

Experience makes you a Domme if you are Dominant.

Study Study Study...and go way past the sex and kinks if you are really interested in becoming a Domme. Any kinky woman on earth can be Dominant in the bedroom. There is nothing less in being a kinky woman in the bedroom than there is in being a Domme. Different strokes= Different folks!

That having been said...welcome to Lit...keep asking questions...

And yes there is a horrid shortage of Dommes in the world so I for one hope you will try the journey..love it..and stay

I think it's awesome that you are searching for yourself, SexySusan. When you are willing to look inward, in hopes of seeing your essence- it's a beautiful thing. I think you would benefit from reading all you can. There's not one easy definition.

And, welcome!

You expressed yourself quite well, Susan. Welcome to Lit.
Have you discussed any of this with your boyfriend?

A Journey of a Thousand Miles...

...begins with a step.

Or an expense cheque.

Here's some first thoughts that pop into my mind for you to jumble with or scroll past, whatever works for you:

* None of anything is generally "either" "or"...so it's not you're either a domme or not a domme; there is lots of grey for you to think and read about;

* Just because I fantasized about being a beloved, powerful, famous, wealthy, popular and highly effective world leader at an early age doesn't make me one...even if I still dream about it. As another said, doing it makes you it.

* If you want to bite your boyfriend, etc, perhaps you should try it sometime at a "beginner" level. Or talk about it with him, as another suggested. But again, "talk" and "do" are two different things...if you bite his ass sometime for fun or give him a smack on the ass sometime in the throes....well, I figure you'll find out if he wanks to talk about it or do it some more soon enough. And you might find out you prefer thinking about rather than doing it, etc etc, in the process. A good, well-intentioned nibble might surprise, please, confound or alarm him; your call.

* Lit's BDSM people are generally supportive and full of helpful advice. But in fairness to your search for information, many here are proponents and/or practicioners of some form of BDSM. No value statement in that, it's just the case. Accordingly, as with all things, you should look not just here but in several places for information and opinion from a number of perspectives in order to decide what's best/right for you, as people should in all things generally.

* Lastly, your reactions to violence in media, etc, versus your thoughts about dominant sex may or may not be linked. Armchair psychologists are a dime a dozen, their advice often worth what you pay for it. For myself, I'd dig deeper into myself, with or without books or someone neutral/trained to talk to, before going too far down any path. The fact that you wonder about it all together suggests you have it on your mind, so right-thinking people will, of course, encourage you to muck through it till you're comfortable with yourself in it, wherever you ultimately catergorize these things for yourself.

Great question, well put.

Hope this helps;
Lance

Caroline

you seem to have changed your AV...

Susan .....

First off ... let me welcome you to Lit!

Take advantage of all the information and links here also, go out to other BDSM sites and check them out ... and read.

Next ...communicate with your boyfriend .. that's a must if you wish to explore BDSM with him.

Remeber to take it slow at your own comfortable pace for you AND him.

Needless to say ... I don't need to repeat what others say .....

Again ... welcome

Welcome to Lit Susan.

I want to assure you that there are no right or wrong answers to your questions.

I suggest you go to the links thread and research some of those links. There is an abundant amount of information stored here in the threads. Read through them and follow the links offered.

It takes time to learn. Read. Enjoy. Do.

Thank you all ...

1000 thanx for all the splendid help and advice ... I will really dig into the "mother thread" etc and read, read, read ... and hopefully I will figure out.

I think I will best take it slowly. I see no reason to involve my boyfriend yet, though. He's going to the States in 6 months (I live in Germany), so we will have to reconsider our relationship then anyway.

Fact is, I'm really really interested. Are there any books anyone can recommend?

Again, I'm really glad I found you and you were so nice as to help me out.

Love to all the helpful spirits out there!

Susan

SexySusan, your question is one I asked of myself. But reading here has helped me along the way very much. These are good people here, and will be a great resource for you if you pursue this interest.

Re: Caroline

Sandia said:

you seem to have changed your AV...

Click to expand...

I change av's a lot based on my mood. This is the one I was using when I had my accident. When I got out of the hospital I looked at it and said "Ick, I dont want to represent myself as a woman lying on her back!" so I changed it.
Then yesterday I felt like changing and I thought I would use it because it now reminds me that I am picking up where that damn car interrupted me!
BTW it is Courbet's painting The Origin of the World. A lot of people think it's a photo.

The Origin of the World

is a wonderful title for that pic.

...and I'm sorry to hear about your accident,
and wish you a speedy recovery.

Sandia.

oh gosh caroline.. hope you feel better asap!

Thank you Sandia and Titania. I am still a little wobbly, but overall, I am doing well.