Pondering...

I'm posting this here because although I'm not really involved in this lifestyle, I am highly interested in it and my pondering seems to be most appropriate for this forum.

Lastnight I was with a guy I'm dating. He does not really have Dominant tendencies, although I'm trying to get him more into certain things that would fit into the BDSM spectrum. While we were in the middle of things, he said that my ass was "his" and that I was "his". It turned me on immensely to hear him say that, and of course I agreed with him. I would have agreed with almost anything he had said after that- lol.

Thinking about it now, I'm a little confused about my reaction to his remarks. Do I want to be owned, at least in the bedroom? The idea of belonging to someone in certain ways is so appealing to me, yet I don't know exactly what I want. I guess in a way I'm confused about my needs and wants in these terms.

I don't really expect anyone to respond to this; I just needed to get it out of my system. Thank you for reading.

It sounds like you had a great kinky moment. Enjoy it!

It could mean your open to other bdsm like experiences. Sexual dominance might be a turn on for you, or it could have just been the situation, the vibes were right, he was right...don't try to over analyze, enjoy

As we grow and change in our lives, lilminx, we stumble over sometimes new truths about ourselves, things we never thought we'd like, things that appeal to us now that never would have 5 years ago.

It's that way with foods, certainly, and fashions, and choices for home furnishings - and it's true of our sexuality, too. Often, it seems, a hunger to know a little more about what this D/s stuff is, anyway, comes from those times in the bedroom when he takes complete control of the lovemaking in a particularly commanding manner, and we find ourselves responding in a wildly uninhibited manner, almost melting into the joining in a way we hadn't before that.

Perhaps the timing was simply right between you. Perhaps you already felt wild and uninhibited that evening and he was the lucky recipient of your mood. It's equally probable, though, that you might respond wildly to sexual dominance - at least in your bedroom.

Before i go further, let me reassure you of something: BDSM can be as much or as little of your life and your self identity as you wish. It's as "legitimate" as a sexual play style as it is a lifestyle. One person can be as totally complete with a little light bondage and a few smacks on the butt as another person is with, well, a lot more than that. A BDSMish approach to sexuality is what you need it to be in your life. It doesn't run you, it doesn'tmark you as a freak, it's not something to be ashamed of, it's simply and only another way to relate to your own sexuality and the way in which you share it with your partner.

Thinking about it now, I'm a little confused about my reaction to his remarks. Do I want to be owned, at least in the bedroom? The idea of belonging to someone in certain ways is so appealing to me, yet I don't know exactly what I want. I guess in a way I'm confused about my needs and wants in these terms.

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Take a deep breath, lilminx, and ask yourself some questions:
What, specifically, turned you on when he told you that your ass was his? His tone of voice? The words? The timing of the sentence? Replay it in your mind, get a feel for what got you going.

With that in mind, i have to ask you to do some reading. I'll give you some links. You read and while you're reading, have this question in your mind: do these words sound like something i'd like in my life? Why or why not? If i do what this, do i want it like this or a little different?

First Steps - What is submission
http://www.castlerealm.com/subspace/subspace.htm

An Intro to BDSM - Part 1
http://www.submission.net/AboutBDSM1.html#start

It all begins with understanding who you are in the middle of this, lilminx. If we can't articulate what we need and want to feel fully sexual, even if they're part time needs/wants, then we can't expect our partners to read our minds and give it to us, right? A bit of research on this may be in order to clarify your thoughts, your needs, your desires.

Come back with questions - or tell me if this, all this, is off-base from what you wanted. I'll try another approach.

MLadyPain said:

It sounds like you had a great kinky moment. Enjoy it!

It could mean your open to other bdsm like experiences. Sexual dominance might be a turn on for you, or it could have just been the situation, the vibes were right, he was right...don't try to over analyze, enjoy

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(Emphasis mine, of course.)
This is like the flip side of someone stressing out over whether or not they're gay based on one single experience.

Don't be afraid to experiment, but do be careful.

Make sure anyone you experiment with is amenable to not only what you want to do, but is trustworthy enough not to cross any lines you set beforehand.

I'm reminded of a time when Kes & I went over to someone's apartment (we later ended up living there), and that night someone we met there ended up shackled to the bed & blindfolded.

He hadn't told anyone where he was going, and he only knew one person there.

He was a very lucky man.

Very lucky.

Cym, thank you for the links, and thanks to those of you who actually did respond, even though I didn't expect it.
I will read the info on those sites you mentioned, but before I do, I just want to mention that I know I already have submissive tendencies to an extent- I'm just not sure how much.

I even went so far as to post an ad on bondage.com, but thus far have not come across anyone who piques my interests enough to meet. One man I have chatted and e-mailed with has told me that I'm not a "true" submissive because I want to get pleasure out of it as well, and that I probably won't get it out of just serving someone. I personally think it's bullshit, and that maybe he is not a true Dom, but someone who wants to take advantage of someone not that experienced in the lifestyle. I always thought that a D/s relationship was based on an agreement between two (or more) people, based on what their sexual interests are. However, I could very well be wrong.

MLadyPain- I understand what you're saying when you tell me not to overanalyze, but how am I supposed to know what I want/need if I don't analyze it? I feel like I need more than the occasional spanking and being tied up. I'm just not sure what it is, and I'm not quite sure how to go about finding out.

Many of the men I date aren't experienced in this way, and when I come across a man who is, he just doesn't appeal to me at all for various reasons. Most of them that I am attracted to in the lifestyle seem to just want a playmate, but I want more than that. I'm not saying that I'm looking for the love of my life (I'm not), but I would like to meet someone in the lifestyle who also likes to go out and date. I know that there are munches around me, but I am scared to death of going to one alone. I almost feel like if I do go, I will be known as an "imposter", in a way- someone who isn't in the lifestyle but who is extremely curious and wants to explore.

Additionally, as I mentioned in my first post, the guy I'm currently dating isn't very experienced AT ALL in anything other than "conventional" sex. I really like him, and am considering getting more serious with him, but I don't know if I can do that because I don't think that he would be interested in BDSM to the extent that I am.

I'm sorry that this is so long-winded, but I just have a bazillion thoughts buzzing around in my mind about this issue. It's been in the back of my mind for a while now, but it has come to surface because of the comment the guy I'm dating made, as well as the fact that I have more time on my hands now that summer is here.

Lilmimx, I can certainly empathize with you. I was very much where you are today a year ago.

Searching for something, and not exactly sure what that was. Today I know what it is that I was looking for. For almost 10 months now, Himself and I have been exploring this realm together.

I, too, have tried bondage.com and did not have much success. I think it must be the area where you live. I have also used alt.com. That is where I met Himself all those months ago.

Read the links that cym provided they are excellent. Go to the links thread and read thru those as well. Read, read, read. Also I might add that there are all facets of this lifestyle and we can all find where we belong. Don't listen to someone who tells you that you aren't submissive because you seek please... well all seek pleasure or we would do something else. My pleasure is foremost to Himself...

You can find your place...

lilminx said:

One man I have chatted and e-mailed with has told me that I'm not a "true" submissive because I want to get pleasure out of it as well, and that I probably won't get it out of just serving someone. I personally think it's bullshit, and that maybe he is not a true Dom, but someone who wants to take advantage of someone not that experienced in the lifestyle. I always thought that a D/s relationship was based on an agreement between two (or more) people, based on what their sexual interests are. However, I could very well be wrong.

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Actually, I think you are exactly right. I've been active in the r/l scene for quite awhile in my area, and am even involved in a support group that gives semi-annual beginners workshops. We warn submissives that anyone who says things like what you wrote above is someone that submissive should be very wary of. There is no such thing as a "true" submissive, just like there is no such thing as a "true" Dominant. Each person is different, with their own needs, desires, etc, and each person should be treated as an individual. What is right for one person is not right for the next.

On the issue of going to munches, etc, usually there are online ways of meeting groups of people who attend these munches first. A local IRC chatroom, mailing list, or something of the sort. This is a good way to at least have a conversational relationship with some people before you attend a munch, so you don't feel quite like your walking into a room filled with total strangers. The usual warnings about meeting people from online apply, but usually if it is a public munch, and you stay with the crowd, you will be just fine.

I really hope you find what you are looking for.

Thank you, Cellis and Dragon Dreamer. I have already started to read some of the material that is in the l inks Cym posted. I have done some reading, and it just seems like there is so much out there.

Sometimes I get so frustrated, not feeling like I'm complete, wondering if this is what I need to complete me, not quite sure how to go about it all, trying to figure out how to introduce the current object of my desire to my fantasies and needs.... *sigh*....

Lilminx,

Go to alt or bondage.com and read some of the ads. Do a search for the parameters of who you are looking for. Then just read the ads. Pick out a few that interest you and just write to them. Make certain that you are familiar with the information from the sticky about online predators.

Cym once told me that I could remain on line all my life but until I took steps to move beyond that I would never know what it truly was I was looking for.

Actually, I bet if you placed an ad on one of those two sites, you would not have to write to them, you would have more than you want to pick from.

It is hard and it is frustrating in the beginning when you are uncertain as to what you want and need. All I can tell you is that it gets clearer with time.

Good Luck!

lilminx said:

One man I have chatted and e-mailed with has told me that I'm not a "true" submissive because I want to get pleasure out of it as well, and that I probably won't get it out of just serving someone. I personally think it's bullshit, and that maybe he is not a true Dom, but someone who wants to take advantage of someone not that experienced in the lifestyle. I always thought that a D/s relationship was based on an agreement between two (or more) people, based on what their sexual interests are.

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Your instincts are in my (rarely ) humble opinion, dead on. Bullshit, spouted by an advantage-taker would be my read of it as well.

I've read the rest of your post; and I'll share a couple of opinions. Feel free (anyone) to tell me I'm fulla beans if you think I am.

Though I've never been to a munch myself, I can say this of other social gatherings I've attended for different groups and clubs: Don't worry about being an "impostor". Just be yourself. You will be the "new kid", the outsider, so observe and get a feel for the group dynamic before just jumping into the spotlight. To borrow a line from an old TV commercial, "You never get a second chance to make a first impression."

The line between analyzing and over-analyzing is a fine one. I didn't know where it was until I'd crossed it. A few pm's between me and cym helped me get my head screwed on straight, as well as meeting and talking to Miss Taken. I can't possibly emphasize the need for someone to talk to, face-to-face, in real life, enough. But it is important to have a good understanding of who and what you feel you are. Just don't let yourself make that understanding your total goal, or let yourself go stir-crazy in your own mind, and everything'll be cool.

this board is great for those weraing bdsm trainer wheels

Anyone else getting fed up with our pet troll?

I could go for a troll felafel with a little extra garlic right now......

(Somone please chuckle, at least. that was my entry into the sprayed <beverage> all over keyboard contest)

Bah. Ignore it and it'll go away just like Fall leaves and snow.

lilminx, bringing this topic up can be a little dicey, but I'm going to tell you how I very recently did it in the hopes that it might help you too.

After we'd had really good 'nilla sex, I just casually asked him if he ever "liked to play a little rough". He said he probably could and told me to think that night about what I had in mind, what my limits were, and we'd talk the next day.

We did, and come to find out, he had been in a D/s relationship prior. He didn't want to bring the topic up with me for fear of freaking me out, and the same was true for me. I just felt "something" was right about him...that he was maybe the Dom I had wanted for so long. And he is. All of that and so much more.

Your guy seems to at least dabble in thoughts of dominance because of what he said. Is he a Dom? Maybe not. But would he try D/s play? Maybe. Start small. Bring up light spanking, maybe light bondage, and see how he reacts. If you go through with it, and you both enjoy it, say so...and suggest more. Take it slow. Experiment and communicate, talk about limits, and how you feel about what you've done. May you be as lucky as I...I know that frustrated feeling and it's good to get rid of it.

Good for you, lilminx!
You gift yourself with such ponderings.
Make your life what you will. You know, in your heart and spirit, what your needs and wants are...
If you have any questions and concerns, this place is the best for wisdom, information, and support.
Good luck, hon!

Thanks for the feedback and support to all who replied.

Cirrus, we have discussed it a little bit. I know he has never done anything sexually "unconventional"- he hasn't even had anal sex, and it's not for lack of partners. He's just never been with women who are sexually adventurous.

lilminx, I have nuthin to offer ya'. (You've already gotten way more help than I could provide!) But I will say I'm pleased to see you here. And I wish you the best.


T, I'm not sure that unregistered is the same as the other unreg'(s)? we've seen before... I guess that's the problem with 'em, they're hard to tell apart...