When did you know?

Just another curiosity question brought to mind by modest mouse's thread:

When did you know that you were dominant, submissive, or switch? Have you ever changed or rediscovered your preferences throughout your sexual development?

For example, I was reading an interview with someone (I can't remember who or where, sorry...if I do I'll post it) who started out at 12 as a sub, then progressed to Dom at 17, and has been ever since.

For me, all my life I knew I was sub before I really knew what that even was. When I was a kid and we used to play games like tag, cops and robbers, stuff like that, I never wanted to be "it" and I never wanted to be the cop, always the robber. The responsibility and authority never did it for me. I always wanted to be caught, punished, or otherwise "forced" into a certain role in the game.

I MIGHT have switch tendencies, I'm not sure. I've fantasized about dominating someone, but not to the extent that I'd yet want to try it...and I don't think it would really do anything for me. I just don't see myself as dominant.

My Dom never really ID'd as anything until his last girlfriend. From what he tells me, they were having sex and she was on top, and he just playfully spanked her. She stopped cold and looked him straight in the eyes so he tried it harder. Same thing and he hit harder still and he could feel her getting wetter and wetter. At first it kind of freaked him out and he didn't want to hurt her, but then once he knew she enjoyed it he did it because of that. They gradually progressed into a D/s relationship, though I don't think they offically called it as such though both knew that's what it was. He still says he's not a sadist, that he gets no pleasure himself from hurting me or the thought of inflicting pain, but that he enjoys the power that I give him (and he knows that my submission is GIVEN to him) and he enjoys the control fantasy, of "making" me do what I want to do anyway, and "taking" what he'd be given anyway.

So...when did you ID as whatever you are now? Did you ever change? Do you think you might sometime in the future?

When did I know?

i don't mind answering. Ever since i was a little guy i realized my yearnings were a bit different from the majority of folks around me. At first i thought i was just gay, but things went deeper than that. i enjoyed being the plaything of older people of all genders. Being a rather clueless young man, it wasn't until i went to college that things began to fall into place. Being a Theatre Major (oh my!) i was introduced to the BD/SM anything goes world of sexuality. This was in the 70's and i do mean everything goes. In fact i mistakenly thought i was a Dom for several years, but couldn't figure out why my heart just wasn't in it.

i guess self-discovery is an on-going journey. It took one failed marriage, a relationship with a TS and living with a Pro-Domme (we have a son) which finally showed me the light. Now, i am 42, once-again single, but much, much happier and comfortable being a bi-sexual sub.

So, while i guess i knew back before i was a pre-teen, i didn't really admit it until my late 30's.

In my college days, I was introduced to the formal side of BDSM. I was "trained" as a submissive by a wonderfully, knowledgeable Mistress. As I grew, in age and wisdom, I found the Switch, that is me.

There was always a submissive quality to my expereinces. I did not know that the world of BDSM existed until many years later and did not decide to pursue it until even later than that.

In the last year, I have discovered many things about myself... including my bi-sexuality and this Domme streak that Himself and I have been pursuing. I never considered myself a switch until just recently. But I like this discovery about myself.

I cannot imagine myself in any role but submissive to Himself... However, I am finding that I can be quite dominating with the right woman.

I was always a very sexual being. I loved pirate and cowboy/indian movies cause there was always at least one female that was captured (swoon) and then saved (pretty nifty too). As I got a little older, I realized I liked the captured part alot better than the rescued part. It just seemed alot more fun and naughty.

In my teens I begin to have crushes on the "bad boys" or those guys that just seemed a little weird & mysterious. I would get very aroused by people who scared me. I was fascinated by the dark, brooding, menacing characters in gothic romance novels (closest thing to porn a girl could find). All I wanted out of life was a strong, dark, mysterious stranger to crush me to his chest. I was a little fuzzy on what came next LOL

At the same time, I wanted to hurt those bad & scary boys. I wanted to tie them up. Somehow I felt they would like it. My teenage fantasies usually went along the lines of me being captured, "tortured" with wonderful things... then somehow me getting the upper hand, and the mean, scary guy kissing my feet and proclaiming his love, devotion & passion to me.

My first real experience came in college where a date tied me up and fucked me. It probably would have been rape if I hadn't been screaming..."Do it again damn it!!!" A series of events introduced me to other folks who really did this stuff.

And my adventure began...
MLP

Cirrus said:

When did you know that you were dominant, submissive, or switch? Have you ever changed or rediscovered your preferences throughout your sexual development?

Click to expand...

I only found out recently that what I had been virtually all my life was called a sub.

So ... about two months ago would be the flat answer, I suppose.

And, as for the second question ... its far too early to say. I just cannot imagine being a switch. I don't think I have what it takes to be a Domme ... but who knows where this journey will take me.

I'm pretty sure my path began when I read the first few chapters of the sleeping beauty trilogy 5 or 6 years ago.

Soon I was having "spanking partners" for lack of a better word. It was almost year before I knew the bdsm community existed.

MLadyPain said:

And my adventure began...
MLP

Click to expand...

MLP: Please continue the story, please.

Sandia.

Sandia said:

MLP: Please continue the story, please.

Click to expand...

Well, I never had another vanilla dating relationship after that. If they weren't open and/or interested after about 3 dates...bye bye... I met folks whom I know classify as "kinky swingers" whom taught me alot ... I was trained as a Mistress ... had a sub for about 2 years ... then moved and just mostly had "rough sex ... I met the man I would marry online, on a bdsm bulletin board on the old Prodigy network ... we split up because our bdsm needs were so very very different and we couldn't find a solution ... the Little Rock munch group was my main support group, many fine folks helped me get thru life ... and now the bdsm community in florida is my social group ... most of my friends are into bdsm ... my friend with benefits is into bdsm ... I spend my weekends with like minded folks (usually doing very vanilla stuff - the mall, coffee, movies, etc)

Names changed to protect the extremely perverted & kinky LOL
MLP

I've always been submissive with submissive fantasies...but I just discovered that it had a name and I wasn't alone about five years ago.

I think I've always known I was submissive, although I just didn't know what submissive was. I was very innocent about sexuality until about the age of 18. I was raised in a very Catholic home, and was educated at Catholic schools, and I was sheltered and naiive. I'm still naiive. My first lover brought out some switch tendencies in me... I always wanted to please him, I enjoyed being fucked and left to clean myself up, I loved it when he said 'good girl' to me, and things like that. We experimented with light bondage. But I also was the one who took charge sometimes. I was the one who handcuffed him a few times, and who bossed him around. And now that I look back on it, I know that that wasn't really me. It was me LEARNING. I realized I was a sub only a few months ago. I ithink it was my exposure to Lit, and to some good reading material here that helped me to realize it, and I'm very grateful for it. That doesn't mean I know what I'm talking about all the time (or even half the time), and it doesn't mean that I don't have questions. I have tons of them. And I'm seeking to have them answered. But I do know that I am submissive by nature, and I am grateful to have learned it about myself.

Cirrus said:

Just another curiosity question brought to mind by modest mouse's thread:

When did you know that you were dominant, submissive, or switch? Have you ever changed or rediscovered your preferences throughout your sexual development?

Click to expand...

I've always been sub with a healthy dose of masochist in there, too. Both attributes of my sexuality have gotten stronger with time.

I don't top, domme, switch, or bottom.

I've been actively engaging in BDSM sexuality, always as a masosub (except on a few memorably rare occasions when my dominant really wanted me to switch for some reason - and those were prettty uniformly not-good experiences for everyone involved) since i was 15 years old.

When did you know

Great question.


I have always known I am submissive. My earliest fantasies revolved around these submissive scenerios. I really enjoyed Exit to Eden when I read it some years ago a great fantasy.

I also always knew I needed and so sort out strong sensations, I played with needles, fire, ice, shoe laces and even ants from the onset of puberty. I had my interest in piercing long before I could go to a shop and buy the service and jewellery.

Recently I have found I can Top my partner and enjoy it though I never ever considered doing this until asked. What a shock.

H

My cousins used to be certain that I'd grow up Domme, because when we were young and sex was to be giggled at (though rarely by me...I was a strange and serious creature, and sex always sounded too neat to be mocked), I'd whisper stories of CBT and spanking to them late at night. Precocious, wasn't I?

Other than that, I was definitely submissive. Always wanted to be the victim or captive or otherwise passive characters; always delighted in scenes of humiliation, exploitation (female, not race), punishment, and other fun activities. Never thought about giving. I was into BDSM before I realized I was bi, and so I always wanted to BE the girl receiving the above activities, not causing them to happen.

I always say I've known from the first time I progressed beyond kissing. That's true, but not entirely accurate. I didn't really progress beyond kissing in a really consensual manner until after I already knew.

Strictly speaking, though, I would say that it started to take shape in my mind when I found, purloined, and practically swallowed whole my mom's copy of the book Nine 1/2 Weeks. That was when I was home with mononucleosis in the tenth grade. I was 13.

Hm.

I've known since about as long as I've had overtly sexual thoughts. Even before that, my tendecies manifested themselves. I had a huge crush on one of my sixth grade teachers (Homeroom, Spanish, and English, this was in Public School In Colorado Springs), and I used to clown in her class just to get spanked. I didn't consciously realize it at the time, of course.

I also played cops & robbers, and cowboys & Indiginous People, and several variations of "army", and spent quite a bit of time being captured.

I was also playing at being Houdini, cajoling my babysitter into being my magician's assistant. She knew quite a bit about making things erm... challenging for a fledgling escape artist, but I usually managed to squirm loose in pretty good time.

I was, as you can see, pretty submissive through most of my life. My preferences didn't so much change as I discovered my dominant side in my one relationship which included BDSM elements. I found a joy and energy I never knew when she told me it was my turn, she was done being the one who did all the work, besides, she wanted to know what I got out of it.

I showed her.

Maybe I showed her too good; she decided she wasn't cut out for dominance, and was quite happy as my bondage toy. Again, this is me looking back and applying labels to things we were doing without bothering with names for it.

Hey .....

Now you've got me thinking.

I've always have had Dom tendicies. When playing "war" I've always wanted to lead. In any game, I also didn't play well with others, always had to win, and always wanted MY rules. Most would probably say I was just childish.

I always wanted to control the situation.

Yet on the other hand I can even still be timid to this day, always wanting to shy away from people and not being comfortable with myself.

I was also picked on alot in school. A world class geek.

It's like different phases of my life.

There are times in my life where all I wanted to do was submit to others around me.

I've never thought of being a switch. It's more like there were those around me MORE dominate, like a wolf pack mentality.

There was a time, when I was "top dog". As I grew older, I was bullied, the stronger kids put me down, and I found my place in the "pack"

Over the years, it's like moving from pack to pack. At times, I've felt submissive to some, dominate to others.

I guess I need a higharchy .....

So, have I confused anyone?

I've always been submissive. My earliest sexual memories and fantasies always involved me in a submissive role.

It's only in the past year or so that i've been able to accept that part of me. Or perhaps it's only in that time that i've begun to accept that i could trust someone enough to let them know me as submissive.

I would have to say I've always been a submissive....even though until quite recently I wasn't really aware of what that meant.

One halloween my girlfriend at the time wore a catholic school girl uniform...complete with wooden ruler.

Minutes later I realized how much fun it is to make a girl's thighs warm & tingly, with the hair pulling and the deep voice and the hands pinned behind the back and all.

I was in college and my friend was working as a proDomme at a massage parlor type place and asked me if i wnated a job there, so what the hell?
After doing it a while and getting over being nervous about it I realized that I really really liked what I was doing, except that the clients were in charge not me. So I started doing it for fun, not money. And then doing it for myself and my own enjoyment I came to understand that this was really me, the way I was meant to be.

I suppose I have always been a sub. I never really wanted to be the one to take charge, it just feels so out of place to me. In some cases I do tend to take the lead but that is VERY rare and only when I have to. My favorite sexual positions even tend to be submissive. I like to be on the bottom with Him being in control (when we were pretty much nilla and never knew what that meant). I have always been drawn to authoritive men, especially men in uniform. (cops, military men, security men...) I always loved to wear collars and have a man lead me around. I have always wanted to feel small, petite and almost helpless, ya know?

I never could fully identify it til I came to this board and read a few of cym's posts and she spoke the words that came from my soul. It was amazing reading her words and realizing that I wasn't alone, that there were others out there who understood and were the same way. All of the puzzle pieces fit together and it all makes since. I seek for approval from the men in my life, I feel the overwhelming desire to want to be protected and to please them in all I do. There are so many things that I can think of, submissiveness is threaded through my veins, it is in everythign I am and everything I do. It is a great relief to be able to put a name on it rather than just thinking of myself as a wuss at times, of which I really am not. Cym's title says it best... strength in submission.

when did i know?

at the very tender age of nine i played strip-poker with my younger brother and female cousins while hiding under the house at the cottage in the bungalow colony where our families spent the summer months......for some reason, i was a very "bad" at strip-poker, but yet at regular poker i excelled .. (go figure!!)... i enjoyed when my cousins viewed my adolescent body and i pleased them by their having won the games we played........

also as an adolescent, i used to have erotic fantasies about being accosted into the home of a particular catholic schoolgirl i used to pass every evening on the way home from school...she and a few of her friends would proceed to strip me, tie me down ontop of a table and play with my body at will, or so my fantasy told me she did.......i was only 10 or 11 at the time........

then.......at the age of 15 i found the book "Story of O", read it cover to cover drinking in the words of Pauline Reage and i just KNEW that my destiny would be to be owned one day......i envied "O" immensely, thinking how lucky she was to be loved and molded into a slave, always pleasing her Master and those he designated her to please....it formed the basis of my sexuality........it showed me how i craved to please and be found pleasing in every aspect of my life......

my fantasies turned to become very power exchange oriented at that time........rather than dreaming at the prospects of feeling the physical sensations resulting from being flogged or whipped, i was more enthralled at the idea of being a member of a secret society and having to wear a ring that denoted that i was the property of that society, available to any of its members who would see the ring upon my finger and order me to adhere to their wishes and desires.........

ahhhh....the good ol' days when we were young and pretending to be innocent, praying that no one would find out that we were really perverted little buggers and burn us at the stake for having the devil in our evil souls!!

When I was about 14 or 15, I found and read a book titled "The Pearl";a compilation of Victorian era D/s and spanking stories, I spent many hours reading and masterbating,while fantasizing about being the submissive.It took many years after that to actually put these fantasies into skin to skin reality,but now I am happily married to Scarlett,my wife/Domme.

When beating the air into submission no longer was enough.