What's in for the Dom/me?

Boz wrote in another thread:

I just realized, this is kind of where my question arises from. I can more easily understand how a sub gets pleasure from the situation than how a dominant gets pleasure.

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So... what's in for me as a Domme...
That's hard to describe, when I play with a sub, I'm intensly focused on him. Even in public play, I only scarcely notice what's happening around us. I love that feeling, I call that my dominant head space.
Watching him closely, seeing him react to the things I do. It's like a high voltage feedback loop. (I'm sadistic and love to give those sensations, not to mention that I love CBT )

All this starts even when I negotiate with a new sub. I've been told numerous times that I'm a good listener (in 'nilla context too) and that I give a person the feeling that what s/he's saying is important to me. People tend to tell me very personal things and I honor their trust. Is that a dominant trait? Dunno, but it's a good thing in the 'nilla world too.
In a scene or during negotiation it's of paramount importance to me, how else can I learn what makes my sub tick and give him (and in a result me) the most pleasure.

It is a power exchange, the submissive gives me his submission and I give my dominance. One can't be without the other.

Monika

What's in it for the Dom/me?

*Intensity*

A single word that covers many things for Me.

I am thrilled by the power that courses through My veins when a sub sinks to their knees because that is the only place they want to be. On their knees at My feet!

I am energized when My whip creates just enough agony to cause the sub to contemplate the *yellow* safe word as he or she screams for My pleasure.

I feel evil when the sub has been taken to the edge of orgasm over and over again and then denied any relief while they endure the sounds of My own orgasms.

I am proud when My subs show their devotion in all the small ways that they do each day.

What's in it...

I am a dominant sadist. I need to exercise my natural tendencies.

By exercising these aspects of myself, I gain:
1) release; 2) joy; 3) I feel peaceful as the natural order of my life continues; 4) I am able to push myself to learn more, be sharper, more exacting, etc.; 5) I experience the joy of watching someone else grow and become more of who they are at my direction; 6) I further my self-respect by not breaking the fall of those who entrust themselves to me and robbing them of experiences that will teach them that they can save themselves; 7) I course with power instead of merely micro-managing through a cheap form of control; 8) I fulfill my destiny of being who I am at a core level; 9) I gain further self-respect by exercising my emotional discipline of self every time I make a good decision for my property that is not necessarily one which will affect me well but IS good for them; 10) I gain a deep contentment by directing useful tasks which further the organized nature of my life; 11) I gain an unshakable self-confidence by revealing my vulnerability and bravely meeting my servant's courage point for point; 12) I gain the most valuable of human lessons every time I see the extraordinary strength that lies within another's fragility as they lay their life in my hands (and this is not figurative, I play heavy); 13) I gain a sense of safety in the structures and protocols I create in my heirarchal relationships; 14) I gain a sense of belonging in the family I have created and am responsible to and for; 15) I gain respect, love, joy, sorrow, saddness and the unfathomable depth that only those who play with their souls can offer.

What more could I ever begin to ask for in this life?

Shadowsdream said,

I am energized when My whip creates just enough agony to cause the sub to contemplate the *yellow* safe word as he or she screams for My pleasure.

I feel evil when the sub has been taken to the edge of orgasm over and over again and then denied any relief while they endure the sounds of My own orgasms. [end quote]

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Evil, even in this mild case of preferring your own pleasure, putting off (how long?) that of the subject, is NOT something you hear very much about, in these parts.

I gather your approach is NOT "Your joy is my joy as we each discover ourselves."

You seem to understand power. Good posting.

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I've talked with many dominants in my years in this lifestyle and still don't think i really understand what it is y'all get from this. I know what i get. I can describe it succinctly or with words that go on longer than any mortal can bear to listen.

I think you've all done a really good, and thorough, job of articulating for yourselves what it is you get from the psychosexual interplay inherent in power-exchange relationships. It's fascinating reading for me. I hunger after such knowledge. Know thyself is all well and good but i'm very interested in knowing, generally, who's on the other end of the flogger.

Last year, winter 2001 i think, i happened across an essay that described dominant headspace during play. It was unlike anything i'd read or heard before. I've passed this on to so many people since then and remain impressed by the clarity of the thoughts it conveys. Perhaps it will have some meaning for you, too.
Dominant Space: http://members.aol.com/MasterNik/DomSpace.html

In any case, i'm fascinated by the additional pieces of my internal definition regarding "what is a dominant" that i'm gaining from your insights. Thank you for being so open and forthcoming.

I honest to christ cant think of one word to add to what Frouwa Aph Shadowsdream and Zipperdiva have already said. Man, you guys rock.

what's in it for Me?

besides, a clean house, a dinner cooked to perfection, my bath drawn, being pampered in every way, sex when I want it, the way I like it; a pedicure, manicure, someone to wash my hair, someone to bathe my body; someone to listen to my troubles, who kisses me to sleep, who talks when I say talk, and shuts up when I tell him to shut up.


AND someone who strips naked at my command so I can use his body in the way I see fit...

Not a damned thing!

Ebony <it's good to be the queen!>

Wow

This is all very good stuff. Thank you, Frouwa_Aph, for inititiating this thread. And everyone, for sharing your personal thoughts and perspective.

All I can say is, More! More people, more views!

A lot of submissive regardless of gender seem to ask themselves, what the dominant partner gets out of it. Afterall they want/need to know what makes a Dom/me tick.
I know it comes up in a lot of r/t chats and during negotiations too.

And I know that it had me wondering too, when I started out on my own journey into the BDSM world. I knew I craved something, but I had no real name for it and couldn't even explain it. I knew too that I didn't get it in a vanilla relationship.

My dominance is an integral part of me and I "use" it in everyday situations. I.e. when I train a bunch of network adminstrators (in most classes I'm the only woman) my stance is dominant, I call the shots in class and lead them to new knowledge, just without the whip. I behaved that way even before I knew about D/s, some of my behavioral patterns became a lot clearer to me.

Does that mean I have no soft spots? 'course not And I sure can laugh about myself. (Thinking about some bondage I tried once, the kind that needs a mile of rope, the result was a huge heap of rope and not much bondage. Both my sub and I collapsed in helpless laughter about it. Took the sub about 1 hour to sort out the rope into neat coils again.)

Monika

Pure

Evil, even in this mild case of preferring your own pleasure, putting off (how long?) that of the subject, is NOT something you hear very much about, in these parts.



My trainee has been waiting for his pleasure for 40 days today... but I am not totally evil so I MAY allow his orgasm this weekend if his service is up to its usual standard. My slave has only been enduring for about 5 days so he is at the low end of the scale and still has 5 points to earn to get to orgasm heaven.

It is reality to those who wish to be owned by Me

This is a wonderful thread.

I know what I get out of it as a sub, I know what Himself gets out of dominating me and out of my submission.

I know that I need to feel that energy... that heat that only the two of us create together.

I need to know that what I do as a sub creates a certain amount of excitement for both us and what he does as a Dom creates a certain amount of heat for us.

There are times when his response pushes me right over the edge.

Shadowsdream said:

Pure

Evil, even in this mild case of preferring your own pleasure, putting off (how long?) that of the subject, is NOT something you hear very much about, in these parts.



My trainee has been waiting for his pleasure for 40 days today... but I am not totally evil so I MAY allow his orgasm this weekend if his service is up to its usual standard. My slave has only been enduring for about 5 days so he is at the low end of the scale and still has 5 points to earn to get to orgasm heaven.

It is reality to those who wish to be owned by Me

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EXACTLY!

Such a simple question

And yet, without a simple answer. As a domme, I often wonder something like the opposite- Why is what I am doing so intoxicating to my sub? When I first became aware of my leanings, and started to explore them, I wondered how anyone found a sub, and doubted I would find someone who would sub all the time. I figured the best I could hope for was a switch, and I would (half-heartedly) sub half the time in exchange for getting my partner to sub for me. The first partner I found led me to believe we would have this arrangement, then refused to sub for me, telling me he was convinced I was secretly a sub and I should just "accept it." Needless to say, that didn't last long.

Luckily I found that the true submissive did exist, and there was one special one that was willing to help me develop my dominant side (thanks, Dana, wherever you are).

And yet, after relationships with four subs, and hours and hours of conversation, I get it, but I don't. Intellectually, I sort of understand. Emotionally, I can't ever imagine being in that place. I'm not surprised subs feel the same way. It's all hardwired into our brains somewhere; we are what we are. All these descriptions are wonderful (they really are) but trying to understand it intellectually will never make you feel it.

how we are the way we are...

I thought Shivers post was lovely. It really spoke to several struggles I have seen folks go through. I was lucky, I learned that some folks held their space (Master or slave) easily and it was how they were meant to be.

At the time, I was switching and I saw that as really odd. It also wasn't public. Publically all the world knew was that the gentemen has a protege who seemed promising. They had no idea that I kneeled to him for more reasons than merely out of respect and because he was Teacher.

As to hardwiring, I'd say very little is set in stone forever. I have had many different periods in my life. For some I only topped, others I only bottomed, and very short periods of switching.

Now, I am no longer a masochist. I once was a respectable one and considered a heavy player as a physical and emotional masochist. My body changed with age and I no longer enjoy pain and continue to revel in my dominant sadism.

Have other people experienced changes in their play tastes as they have aged?

Re: how we are the way we are...

zipperdiva said:

Have other people experienced changes in their play tastes as they have aged?

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I'm one of those who seems set, LadyC. I started in San Diego in the 70's, a maso sub, and am still a maso sub today. I've tried switching (mostly at the urging of those who held my submission) but it was never better than an uneasy fit.

Long ago, as you may know, the idea of SSC didn't exist. We played back then without a safety net, so to speak, and took care of ourselves because you couldn't go to the doctor if things went wrong. Everything was so hidden. We were so afraid to be found out. But i was definitely maso, even then.

Amusedly, over the years, i've found that my tolerance for inept partners has sharply decreased while my need for a strong emotional connection with my partner has increased in just as steep a manner. If the emotional connection isn't there these days, then i can't play.

I'm still playing for same team, though.
Always will be, i guess.