My chaotic mind

OK, I'm new here but this forum seems to be very good especially for the size if it (meaning many busy forums get too off topic sometimes) I figured I'd introduce myself. Then ask a few questions of you all.

Firstly. I'm a 28 yo female submissive who lives with her boyfriend/master. We've been dating about 2 years and living together for about 1.

We break a lot of the "rules" as far as BDSM goes but we are happy and enjoy ourselves. We are "out" to some friends but not all, and not to family.

I got into BDSM while in japan when a japanese man I was seeing suggested that we rent an "SM video" It was all downhill from there.

After watching that video I found myself with a belt around my wrists and wax being dripped on the most intimate of places. I couldn't get enough.

OK, now for some questions. Excuse me if I jump around a lot my mind is very chaotic.

My biggest nagging question has been for a long time bouncing from one side of my skull to the other like one of those crazy balls you by for 50 cents.

Does every sub/bottom actually "top from the bottom" without meaning to or wanting to?

What I mean by this is as follows....

I like certain things. Sure I like to please my master in anyway that he chooses, but I also have limits. With that being the case aren't I actually telling him what he can and can not do? By my wanting to please him, and him in some way making me please him, aren't i again doing that catch phrase, "topping from the bottom?"

He has in the past suggested knife play..I had to refuse. Not because I didn't trust him with it, but because I am just flat out afraid. I would really freak out. bound, gagged, it wouldn't matter, I would convulse and kick and scream and likely beat the living shit outta him when I was finally untied.

I'm not sure why that is, I don't know why I feel that way or why I feel so strongly that way. I think i just can't see any sexual use for it. But does BDSM always have to be about sex? I don't think it does...but at the same time..I don't know. I guess I just feel that knives are meant for cutting meat, and I don't want any of the meat on me cut.

Past knives there are many things. Dom/mes for the most part do things that thier submissive wants. Is that not true? He or She wants to be controled in ways, be it orgasms, actions, speach, or whatever. The dom/me controls these things because the submissive wants them to. The submissive likes humiliation so the dom/me finds ways to humiliate, they like pain, the dom/me gives them pain. I have heard of denying pain, wich I think might be even more painful, longing for that pain and not getting it.

Another thing i'm not clear on. Foot worship. My boyfriend/master has never had me worship his feet in any way. Well at least not in ways I read about. i have mostly always seen this as something that female doms do to male subs. Why does it seem to be reserved for FEMALE/male activities?

Back to topping from the bottom (not that you/me/we mean to) If your top did something you were totaly against, even if it was a long term thing, maybe you had a safeword and didn't use it, or don't have one at all, would you leave that person? Would it be fair to leave that person if you gave no indication that they were going too far?

I guess I should stop now even though I have more to ask. This post is getting long and people won't want to read it all. I hope I am not overstepping my bounds being so new here and all. Thanks in advance for any and all insigts.

Jenn

hello you're new welcome read the sticky at the top thankyou.

public service announcement over!

"I like certain things. Sure I like to please my master in anyway that he chooses, but I also have limits. With that being the case aren't I actually telling him what he can and can not do?"

Consensual is where it's at for me baby. no, im not topping from the bottom, im setting limits, that is a totally different thing. i can have those limits pushed gently (see my post about adventures in the park) but I can and do safeword whenever im not happy. im not telling him what to do, im letting him know that he's going from something i need/like to something that i cannot deal with for whatever reason. he loves me, cares about me, doesnt want to hurt me. to me, that isnt topping from the bottom, respecting limits is what its all about.

"I had to refuse. Not because I didn't trust him with it, but because I am just flat out afraid. I would really freak out. bound, gagged, it wouldn't matter, I would convulse and kick and scream and likely beat the living shit outta him when I was finally untied."

did this happen? did he ignore your fears? that scares me, i wouldnt be happy to play like that, sorry.

"Why does it seem to be reserved for FEMALE/male activities?"
I hate men's feet. personal preference. if i had a mistress i would probably go for it, but i really couldnt cope otherwise, it wouldnt turn me on at all. my feet are nice, when we switch i like to encourage a bit of it, but you could do it if your dom wanted you to, no gender problems i dont think.

others will reply to you in a much better way. but this is my humble opinion.

and again,

welcome

did this happen? did he ignore your fears? that scares me, i wouldnt be happy to play like that, sorry.

Click to expand...

No he didn't do it, we only talked about it. That is basicly what I see myself doing when I close my eyes and imagine the situation.

Jenn,

Warm welcome! I love getting new people with lots of questions. Here is my take on them.

On "topping from the bottom." I think that this depends on the level of dominance your partner has. I am currently talking to a man to whom domination is as natural and necessary as breathing. It pleases him to deny me, to humiliate me, to push my limits of pain and pleasure. Hell yeah it pleases me too, but that's irrelevant to him. He wants to. He'd stop if I safeworded, of course, but he genuinely needs it. I don't know your Master or what he is like, but this might be something you could bring up with him: does he do it for your pleasure or his?

Second, I agree with tassie on the safe words. Giving consent and limits is sane; not even the hardcore "topping from the bottom is the 8th deadly sin" people argue with that. Submissive does not imply total lack of individuality. Where's the fun in that for either person? I can see how you could still argue that it's control taken by the bottom, but really, how else could you do it and still be in a healthy, satisfying relationship? Oh wait. Gor.

Sounds like knife play is a hard limit. That's cool, that's fine, I can tell you aren't at all apologetic about it and you shouldn't be. I'm glad to hear he respects your limits.

I THOUGHT that I believed BDSM didn't have to be about sex, but the more I think about it, the less sure I am. I can have it without fucking, but that's teasing and foreplay in my mind, which eventually DOES lead to sex. Hmmm! Will ponder this one.

I would love to worship a Dom's feet. I'd hope they were cleaner than most male feet I've encountered, but it would definitely arouse me. I do agree, though: female feet are prettier. This kind of makes me think of de Sade's "120 Days of Sodom," where eventually beauty becomes passe and ugly women become the most desirable by the men's total depravity. An interesting thought, one that fortunately I'm not quite jaded enough to pursue in my own life. But wouldn't it be more humiliating to lick a dirty foot? Okay, stopping there.

I guess that's everything! Feel free to ask as many questions as you like, Jenn. Always welcome here.

Thanks for the replies. I hope i can get a few more opinions. I'll check back again tomorrow.

To me, what a Dom and a sub do is what they both want, it should not be a conflict. For a submissive to communicate to their Dom what they are not willing to do is not topping from below, as I can see, but being honest. I would not want to have her do something she was adverse to because she wanted to please me. If we are not both fulfilled by what we do, then I feel our relationship is lacking something important.

hello and well met slvjenn,
i don't believe that we top from the bottom by default or nature. everyone, everywhere in a sexual relationship will have to in the beginning communicate with thier partners about what they like or don't like - *or* be stuck with what they get!

for new BDSM relationships this time together, expressing what is good, scary, to light, to hard, to slow, to fast is not only necessary but important. once your partner knows what you like you have a place to start! following is where imagination and passion take over.

when you mentioned denying the (maso)sub pain was there a question or was that an observation?

foot worship? i haven't put much thought into that, it seems to me to be more of a humiliationand/or ownership-marking thing to me... (and ewwww)

as for someone crossing hard bounderies, whew.
especially if it is a long term relationship, i would say that you owe it to *yourself* (forget the other person just for a minute)to talk about these things.

before there is a chance for bounderies to be crossed there should be the above mentioned conversations about likes, dislikes, soft - medium - hard etc.

but that doesn't make it fool proof. if you're getting uncomfortable at *any* time, right then and there is the second opportunity to talk it over.

if your partner still crosses a hard boundery after this - then there is definate cause for concern.

**if** you are safe, there is (pretty much the last) opportunity to get through this issue together and then choose to stay or leave at that point.

maybe it's just me but the word fair makes me feel like i should be wearing a black and white stripey shirt with a whistle around my neck! i would go the communication (as long as i'm safe) route out of respect, my own need for closure, and my own selfish need to be heard.

Thanks for the opinions everyone. I still half feel that by telling him what I like/want and what I don't, i'm in a way telling HIM what to do...but at the same time, it's something that is needed.

On another note. My story is finally up on the site and I'd appreciate as much feedback as possible. I've already been told that it starts out a little slow and I'll be trying to revise that.

It is pretty long, but I hope you find it to be worth the long read. I think the link should be in my sig now. <Crosses fingers>