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feeling ashamed about what you feel/are

Andreina

Andreina

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Oct 4, 2001
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okay, here we go...

i just wanted to know if anybody else has had to cope with those feelings before and if they are normal or not.

i lately discovered that I'm a switch (more tending to the sub side though) and well, as prude as this may sound, this troubles me. i dont mean to say that I'm prude (by no means, im not) but it is just confusing. i know bloody well that there are no real-life mates of mine who enjoy what i take pleasure in. it must be like discovering that you are actually gay when you have lived in a straight relationship all your life.
i know it seems pretty trivial and most of you will think "why doesn't she just get on with it?" but it is really quite hard to explain. I know that people who enjoy BDSM aren't freaks *cough cough :D* but still... it is just confusing.
over the past few weeks i was browsing other sites and forums which had a strong BDSM focus and i felt like i discovered a part of my 'life' which i hadn't even seriously considered before. im not yet quite sure if i should give into it or not.

is it normal that one feels that way? or is it a sign that my heart is not really into it?


<<surely confused>>
 
I can't tell you for sure if your heart is into this or not. That's a decision that only you can make. I know that I had a hard time accepting that I was really into the lifestyle I'm in now. I wasn't raised in a sexually open household. My mother's sex talk with me was "Don't do it until you're married" End of talk.

However, I knew that I wanted more than just regular, or vanilla sex. I've always been totally turned on by my partner taking total control of the sex. I'm learning that there are other things that turn me on now, that I would never have dreamed would. Having a community like this one to see that there are others out there with the same thoughts and feelings really has helped me open up more with my partner.

I hope that sort of helps you. I'm sure there will be someone else with a better view on this along to post as well.

dixi
 
Having some mixed feelings about yourself and new paths in your life, particularly when they involve sexuality, is a part of the process, i believe. Accepting that one is different from those around you seemingly carries with it a sense of shame or perhaps a sense of wanting it hidden. Keep reading, thinking, and exploring for yourself. Eventually, if it's right, you'll be able to fully accept that part of yourself and while you may not be shouting it from the rooftops, the important people will know.

If someone here was gonna tell somebody to "just get on with it," i'm pretty sure i'd be the first target. I've been figuring myself out for over a year now.
 
I think it should trouble you, because if it doesnt then it doesnt really mean anything does it? If you think this is a part of you, and you havent considered it before, then yeah, its gonna mess with your mind. Lots of people think we all are sick and disgusting for liking what we like, so you have that in your mind, because you were raised in a society with that feeling and part of it is within you no matter what.
But you just ask yourself , if this is part of me, then how wrong can it be?
Me, I knew I was as queer as a three dollar bill when I was still a kid, so after that, the rest came kind of easy. I mean, I was already an outcast, so what difference did a little more perversion make, right?
But whatever, you can only be you, and do the best you can with that. If you dont come to terms with it, maybe this isnt right for you, but chances are you will get to that "I gotta be me" stage and things will be cool.
 
Times like these

are normal for me.

There are times when 36 years of fairly conservative upbringing and adulthood clash with the lifestyle that can provide everything I need.

It is confusing at best.

Then as we move forward, slowly and with a few steps back once in a while, we find peace.

Or at least, that is my goal.

Peace with myself.
Peace with my partner/SO.
Peace with my family.

I do believe D/s can provide that.

hugs to you all who are facing confusing times.
 
Andreina said:
okay, here we go...

i just wanted to know if anybody else has had to cope with those feelings before and if they are normal or not.

i lately discovered that I'm a switch (more tending to the sub side though) and well, as prude as this may sound, this troubles me.

is it normal that one feels that way? or is it a sign that my heart is not really into it?

<<surely confused>>
Click to expand...

When one has experience in something, they THEN, have an opportunity to take a little break, look back on those experiences, evaluate, ask questions of themselves, and seek more information if there is a genuine interest. (Which is what you are doing)

I am trying to read between the lines here, but confusion is a state of NOT knowing. Frequently it is coupled with fear. Not knowing where the next step may take you, is intimidating enough by itself, but all too often, fear sets in and we fail to EVER take that step.

In order to learn and grow however, steps must be taken. In no way, am I saying anyone should just BLINDLY, step into the unknown. I am saying continue the education of your inner being, THAT, which you have an interest in, pursue it in safe ways, and when the pathway lights up,(as it WILL),
progress with your learning and growing.

The real problem that surfaces most of the time, is when people are confused, they either freeze up,(and go nowhere), or they impulsively take a step in a direction for which they are not fully prepared to go.

Take your time! Time is our greatest asset. It is the reliever of stress and heals most wounds.
Use it,...but don't abuse it. Control how you spend it, and you have control over your life. (Even though your life may be a role of submissiveness to someone else, a switch, or Domination.)
 
artful:
"In no way, am I saying anyone should just BLINDLY, step into the unknown."

Sometimes, bunge jumping into the unknown is the best thing to do.
 
Never said:
artful:
"In no way, am I saying anyone should just BLINDLY, step into the unknown."

Sometimes, bunge jumping into the unknown is the best thing to do.
Click to expand...

I respect your opinion,...I just don't agree!
 
This is an interesting discussion. I don't think anyone can, or should, speak for you, but I think you have to realize that you are on a journey. Where will it end? Only you can find that out.

For me, I knew I liked sex, but always felt something was missing, somehow. I had one relationship where we played around a little - nothing extreme - and I found I liked it. I would talk to my girlfriends, but most people have done things like allowed their hands to be tied behind their backs and such, so it was no big deal. We just laughed about it.

Then I met a man who pushed the boundaries even further, and showed me things I'd never even knew existed. To say the least, he rocked my world - and he has been the only man to ever truly make me orgasm. I didn't question it at the time because it felt so right, so good, so natural.

However, once that relationship ended, and I started to try to incorporate those things he did into subsequent relationships was when I realized that the whole world did not think this was "normal". I went through a bit of anxiety, wondering if there was something truly wrong with me. Now, I've simply come the fact that this is something I enjoy and like. Do I "have" to have this all the time? No. But more often than not.

Keep searching yourself and asking what you want. You'll find it.
 
A bright side

For me, it certainly isn't unusual to get feelings of wondering if bdsm is "okay"...after all, we are surrounded by a culture which, by and large, says it most emphatically is not. Any time you have a situation like that, where you are bucking a trend or pervasive value, you're bound to have second thoughts. I remember this old fashioned saying which is really pretty corny, but I'll repeat it anyway (ha!), "You can't stop the birds from flying over your head, but you CAN stop them from making a nest in your hair."

You know, it's funny- I'm 45, divorced, and a pretty active sub....but I STILL get feelings of shyness and embarrassment every time I get naked in front of someone. I've come to the conclusion I'm NEVER gonna get over that one... just have to work through it. Thankfully, once things get going, I tend to get "carried away" and forget about it, lol. In some ways, it too has a bright side, as my Dominant seems to like that side of me as he enjoys teasing, etc. Anyone else have similar tendencies?

- justina
 
Never said:
artful:
"In no way, am I saying anyone should just BLINDLY, step into the unknown."

Sometimes, bunge jumping into the unknown is the best thing to do.
Click to expand...


:rose:
 
i couldn't work out for so long why i always repeated the same pattern. sex with a new partner, GREAT! 3 months down the line, even if the relationship is going well I get bored and dont want to have sex with them any more.

I refused to admit that the sex was the problem (hell, there's only so many ways you can go in and out, right?) which led to a plethora (well, more than i care to admit) of one night stands.

then i met the current bloke and that's all changed, ive worked out the missing piece, railed against 25 years of catholic upbringing and am now truly happy.

wish you the same. xxx
 
Most people taking an unfamiliar journey will have doubts, or confusion at one time or another.

It is normal although uncomfortable.

Always face the doubts for in them you will find your answers
 
While most, but not all of my adult relationships had some elements of BDSM, I never knew that it had a name. I knew that I was kinky and perverted and never, ever discussed this with anyone not even my partner of the moment.

Then I begin to explore and experiement... I cannot even begin to describe the amount of shame I felt over what I wanted and needed.

Today, I have a certain strength in who I am ... I know what I want and need. Sometimes it is just hard getting those needs met.
 
Well, i think it is probably pretty normal to feel those feelings. However, i think i had a really different reaction, so maybe you could try thinking of it from this perspective. It might help - i don't know.

See, i always knew i had these tendencies, i just never knew other people did. Thought i was crazy or something. Well, anyway, finding out that there are a bunch of other people out there like me, made me feel better. i mean all of these other people get along ok in society, have jobs, families, etc. i mean they haven't told someone and then been branded insane or anything, right. So, if they are sane and ok, then i am too, right. i actually feel less ashamed knowing that i'm not the only one out there. And, when you meet some in real life, they don't seem any different than anyone else, except for this one thing.

Hope this helps. i know it is not exactly what you asked, but i thought you might want to hear another take on it.

lasavane
 
Once, it bothered me.

Once, it was a cause of fear and hesitation; how could I possibly share this facet of myself, when should I broach the subject of my kinks? How can I be who and what I am when my desires are so rare and unusual that the odds of finding someone compatibly kinky are astronomically small?

Then I started working in a bookstore, two years ago. One of our top selling Special Orders is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns; I've met and spoken with several crossdressers. I've seen that I'm not the only one, by a long shot.

That took a lot of my insecurity away; I'd been afraid that my brief brush with this lifestyle would be the last. I've come to eagerly accept this part of myself, and feel a lot more confident about who and what I am.
 
Sandia:
":rose:"

Sandia, you're a sweet guy but you realize this is the romantic equivalent of banging your head against a brick wall, right?

Oh, and that's Diana Riggs in that Av everyone, she's Emma Peel and hosts Mystery.
 
labels;why they don't work

You are not alone at all. That is the problem with labels. We go from Vanilla, to bdsm. Then all of a sudden we have a new structure, at first one that feels free and open, then we come to realize that this one doesn't always fit either. I think we all spend to much time trying to conform to someone elses norm. Just do what you like to do, maybe your a switch. Maybe your a dom. Maybe your just you, dom today, DOM tomorrow, and sub the next day. As long as your enjoying what your doing, in a consensual relationship, Thats all that matters. Let advertising mogels worry about labels and demographics. YOUR AN ORIGINAL.
 
I've never felt all that ashamed of my D/s interests... I've had them as long as I can remember, or at least as long as I've been interested in sex... and generally I've considered that a good thing about me... an interesting thing... though I don't pretend not to know where y'all are coming from.

I've certainly felt embarrassed about other things about myself.

Anything that people become judgmental about, that is personal to me, makes me feel uncomfortable, embarrassed.

For example, I've felt embarrassed about some of my own posts on Lit; I've wondered if I've spent too much time here, become too involved, expressed myself too freely. Shown too much of myself, or expressed parts of myself that would be better left hidden. Become too invested in what other people here think or post or say. (It turns out the screen name is much less of a shield than one might think, once you've invested enough of yourself here. ;) )

And Never, honey, I love you for your mind sweetie. Your sweet, sarcastic personality.

Sandia.

Ed. to add: Areacode, ditto.
 
Last edited:
It just doesn't matter

It doens't matter what anyone esle says or thinks about who or what you are. I'd like to meet the person in this world that has the sealed instruction manual on how to live a life. There is no such thing. No one can tell you what is normal.

Look at all the supposed "good people" in this world. You have Presidents and heads of corporations stealing and lying to us on a daily basis. You have priests molesting little boys. Those are the truly disturbed bastards of this world.

Two rules to live by:
1) Accept who you are and be happy with knowing who you are. That is 99 percent more than most people ever realize in this life. 2) Accept others as long as their behavior is not harmful to you or anyone esle.
 
Two rules to live by:
1) Accept who you are and be happy with knowing who you are. That is 99 percent more than most people ever realize in this life. 2) Accept others as long as their behavior is not harmful to you or anyone esle.


NOW this is common sense in a nutshell.....well put!
 
One more thought

Focus on each and every day and look foward to the unknown circumstances and twists in your life. Your whole life is an unkown! Myself, I can barely wait to see what is around the next bend. In the BDSM lifestyle, the twists and turns are even more plentiful and enjoyable. That's because it is a somewhat unique way of life.

Just like no one can tell you how to live your life, no once can tell you how to live a BDSM life. Just appreciate every minute of everyday, then you are really living.
 
Andreina said:
i know bloody well that there are no real-life mates of mine who enjoy what i take pleasure in.
Click to expand...

Be careful what you say you know. I think there are a lot of people out there that either won't admit to others what they 'really' enjoy or even admit to themselves. The latter category perhaps being the larger, and we all know how many won't share with each other...

Anyhow, are you nuts? Yeah, probably. But EVERYONE is in their own ways. There are people out there who think sex in the dark once a month is 'normal.' So does that make them weird or us? (I vote them, but that isn't my point...hehe) My point is we all have a certain degree of self discovery to go through. I think in a way we are OBLIGATED to go through this process, particularly in a commited relationship. We owe it to ourselves and we owe it to our SOs.

I myself, often wonder where my interests lie in this whole BDSM thing. Being in a long distance relationship that is about as rocky as any relationship I've ever been in has made it difficult to even approach any of these issues. (And tying yourself up is a bitch...hehehe)

Good luck, with all endeavours.

p.s. Love the AV :)
 
Andreina said:


is it normal that one feels that way? or is it a sign that my heart is not really into it?


<<surely confused>>
Click to expand...

For me, I've always liked kink and the idea of kink.

As it happens, I've also always been somewhat self-assured.

So I knew that kink was "acceptable", at least to some, at a very early age.

With the knowledge that kink is okay, and that I'm also okay...I've never struggled with what I like or who I am.

I read somewhere about how we can in fact choose how we feel about almost anything....we can choose to be calm in a tight spot...choose to laugh when things are low.....why not? They're our feelings, after all.

So, perhaps this point of view will give you pause to try feeling good about being a kinky switch.....and consider that what your friends etc like/do/want is, at the end of the day in your bedrooms....none of their concern. You are certainly not alone in your interests.

Choose to feel good about you and celebrate it, too! (can't hurt!)

Cheers;
LC
 
Choice and feelings

"Depression is a Choice", a book by A.B. Curtiss.

I credit it with helping to save my life, and I'm not sure I'm speaking metaphorically.

One of the basic ideas, simple, but hard to practice, is the idea thet "I am" is greater than anything you can use to finish the sentence, like "I am hungry", "I am bored", "I am ashamed".

"I am" is always there. "hungry", "bored" and "ashamed" go away. One is not their feelings, one experiences feelings. One's thoughts are not in control, one controls one's thoughts.

I'm still slightly manic-depressive, but it no longer overrides my sense of self, I'm in control to the extent that I can stop a depressive phase pretty quickly, thanks to that mental exercise and a better self-understanding than I once had.

Okay. Cat pulled down from tree, infonugget dispensed, back to my storm cellar.
 
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