please ignore this post - can't delete it
Hello everyone,
I've been enjoying dipping in and out of the BDSM threads for a while now, since I discovered the community side of lit...
I've never done any real BDSM play, though looking back on various experiences, with one particular guy, I can see elements of it there.
That's why I'm here really - this one guy. I met him last October and he's a lot older than me (50 to my 25) and he's quite dominating. I've always been very much of the thinking that whoever I sleep with must treat me gently and considerately, otherwise they don't deserve to have me. With him, this got challenged. And I resisted him a lot! But as time went by I've realised that he reaches inside of me to the extent that I'm willing to submit to him if that is what is necessary to keep him engaging with me. (Now, this is my understanding that this is the core of most/some dom/sub relationships - correct me if I'm wrong!)
When I started to have an inkling that he might be 'dominant', I started to read the BDSM stories in lit, and think about how I felt about it. Most of them are pretty cheesy but a few of them went into the psychological aspects in a more sensitive (and to my mind) realistic way, and were quite informative. I thought more about it, and began to develop concepts of what dominance and submission meant (before, like most people, I just thought in terms of pain, whips, chains etc.).
I brought up the subject with my exboyfriend (who is very very gentle and considerate), and we talked about whether I really liked submission or not, and what we thought about the whole thing. And this brings me to my point (see! I do have one even though obviously i AM just enjoying telling my story):
I was discussing with my ex (who has no experience of BDSM), what is behind the submissive urge? what is behind the dominant urge?
And I decided that, while I am not masochistic in the slightest, and get pretty pissed off if someone hurts me, I don't mind being restrained, or controlled, and that *just in the particular case of this guy* it kind of excited me that he was dominating. It made me feel the strength of his desire for me, and I felt he was kind of wonderful so I wanted him to desire me really strongly and I wanted to please him.
And I also discussed the element of my submission that is kind of inside out - I submit because it gives me power - I think I've 'played' submissive with some guys before cos it made them so excited and thereby gave me power over them. This is not the same as it is with my older guy - there, the submission is 'real' and not a game (or at least, it could be starting to be real, though it certainly wasn't until we built a relationship to the point that he got under my skin). This raises one question - is this the way it is for other 'subs' - and is it common that one feels submissive towards one particular person only, and not submissive in general (as I feel)????
The other question was to do with the discussion of what is behind the dominant urge. At the time, I remember commenting to my ex that perhaps guys fear the power that women have over them (in commanding their desire, and the ability to withhold the satisfaction of that desire), and one way of dealing with this fear of women, and *particularly* fear of losing one's self control (and thereby, dignity) in the sexual act, is to control and denigrate the woman, thereby taking away her power, and retaining one’s own. This was an opinion I formed BEFORE exposure to any BDSM literature or chat, and now I am curious to find out what you guys think... Particularly any dom/mes: how do you understand your urges? Please help me to understand the other side of this new way of relating from HIS point of view. (Don’t be angry with me for perhaps being completely wrong in what I used to think!!) I used to find it really incomprehensible why anyone would want to hurt or control someone they loved and cared for, and while this anxiety got pushed aside as my feelings for the guy (let’s call him Mr. J) grew, I guess it is still there.
Just as an endnote:
the guy in question and I are no longer able to see eachother at the moment, mainly because he is not well, and doesn't really have the strength for a relationship/sex. This is a very sad for me, but we’re still very close, and I feel sure that our relationship is not over. I don't know whether he has ever done any BDSM but I plan to ask him next time I see him! I think, now that I am not so naive having frequented some of these BDSM threads, that he may well have done. I think he dropped a lot of hints that I didn't really know how to respond to at the time, I felt embarrassed or anxious about them, or laughed them off, or ignored them (though I did begin to stop protesting so much at his roughness). But he’s so incredible when he touches me that I was able to keep on seeing him despite this…and this is how my feelings changed, I guess.
He told me he wanted to rip my tights off and tie me up with them; that he visualised me tangled in a thorn bush, unable to move, and unable to stop him doing what he wanted to me; he used to hold me down quite hard when we had sex, and held me around my neck/throat (until I protested and told him not to!); he used to tread on my feet as well, and told me once when I said I was feeling guilty about something (and suggested myself that I should wear sack cloth and ashes, as a joke) that I should tie my breasts up with rope so that they got all squashed out of shape ( I was pretty shocked by that, and said it was worrying - looking back on it, he probably thought I was dropping hints myself.....and maybe I was!!!!but didnt' realise it/admit it to myself) and wear a buttplug. The last time we made love he held my hair and pushed his cock really hard into my mouth (which would usually (i.e. before him) earn a slap and my withdrawal from the situation, but….I loved it and the memory makes me wet) He also said he would cane me when I said I wanted to be caned ( and unfortunately for him, i meant stoned, as in intoxicated on cannabis!!! it's an english expression). He made some joke one time about domination (and I laughed in his face!).He also withdraws his attention from me and doesn't touch me sometimes, which makes me want to please him more than anything. He never gets angry or argues or shouts, just withdraws. Looking back on all that, it seems pretty obvious to me that he's quite dom. Whaddaya think??! I think I'd kinda like to be his pet, if he promised not to hurt/damage me. Fuckin hell, who'd have thought I'd EVER have said that???!!! Hmm this whole thing is rather titillating. Anyway, what I'd like to know from you guys is your answers to my questions, and then I'll keep on growing in the understanding that has taken seed and started to sprout. Looking forward to it....
much love,
arcticfox
Hello everyone,
I've been enjoying dipping in and out of the BDSM threads for a while now, since I discovered the community side of lit...
I've never done any real BDSM play, though looking back on various experiences, with one particular guy, I can see elements of it there.
That's why I'm here really - this one guy. I met him last October and he's a lot older than me (50 to my 25) and he's quite dominating. I've always been very much of the thinking that whoever I sleep with must treat me gently and considerately, otherwise they don't deserve to have me. With him, this got challenged. And I resisted him a lot! But as time went by I've realised that he reaches inside of me to the extent that I'm willing to submit to him if that is what is necessary to keep him engaging with me. (Now, this is my understanding that this is the core of most/some dom/sub relationships - correct me if I'm wrong!)
When I started to have an inkling that he might be 'dominant', I started to read the BDSM stories in lit, and think about how I felt about it. Most of them are pretty cheesy but a few of them went into the psychological aspects in a more sensitive (and to my mind) realistic way, and were quite informative. I thought more about it, and began to develop concepts of what dominance and submission meant (before, like most people, I just thought in terms of pain, whips, chains etc.).
I brought up the subject with my exboyfriend (who is very very gentle and considerate), and we talked about whether I really liked submission or not, and what we thought about the whole thing. And this brings me to my point (see! I do have one even though obviously i AM just enjoying telling my story):
I was discussing with my ex (who has no experience of BDSM), what is behind the submissive urge? what is behind the dominant urge?
And I decided that, while I am not masochistic in the slightest, and get pretty pissed off if someone hurts me, I don't mind being restrained, or controlled, and that *just in the particular case of this guy* it kind of excited me that he was dominating. It made me feel the strength of his desire for me, and I felt he was kind of wonderful so I wanted him to desire me really strongly and I wanted to please him.
And I also discussed the element of my submission that is kind of inside out - I submit because it gives me power - I think I've 'played' submissive with some guys before cos it made them so excited and thereby gave me power over them. This is not the same as it is with my older guy - there, the submission is 'real' and not a game (or at least, it could be starting to be real, though it certainly wasn't until we built a relationship to the point that he got under my skin). This raises one question - is this the way it is for other 'subs' - and is it common that one feels submissive towards one particular person only, and not submissive in general (as I feel)????
The other question was to do with the discussion of what is behind the dominant urge. At the time, I remember commenting to my ex that perhaps guys fear the power that women have over them (in commanding their desire, and the ability to withhold the satisfaction of that desire), and one way of dealing with this fear of women, and *particularly* fear of losing one's self control (and thereby, dignity) in the sexual act, is to control and denigrate the woman, thereby taking away her power, and retaining one’s own. This was an opinion I formed BEFORE exposure to any BDSM literature or chat, and now I am curious to find out what you guys think... Particularly any dom/mes: how do you understand your urges? Please help me to understand the other side of this new way of relating from HIS point of view. (Don’t be angry with me for perhaps being completely wrong in what I used to think!!) I used to find it really incomprehensible why anyone would want to hurt or control someone they loved and cared for, and while this anxiety got pushed aside as my feelings for the guy (let’s call him Mr. J) grew, I guess it is still there.
Just as an endnote:
the guy in question and I are no longer able to see eachother at the moment, mainly because he is not well, and doesn't really have the strength for a relationship/sex. This is a very sad for me, but we’re still very close, and I feel sure that our relationship is not over. I don't know whether he has ever done any BDSM but I plan to ask him next time I see him! I think, now that I am not so naive having frequented some of these BDSM threads, that he may well have done. I think he dropped a lot of hints that I didn't really know how to respond to at the time, I felt embarrassed or anxious about them, or laughed them off, or ignored them (though I did begin to stop protesting so much at his roughness). But he’s so incredible when he touches me that I was able to keep on seeing him despite this…and this is how my feelings changed, I guess.
He told me he wanted to rip my tights off and tie me up with them; that he visualised me tangled in a thorn bush, unable to move, and unable to stop him doing what he wanted to me; he used to hold me down quite hard when we had sex, and held me around my neck/throat (until I protested and told him not to!); he used to tread on my feet as well, and told me once when I said I was feeling guilty about something (and suggested myself that I should wear sack cloth and ashes, as a joke) that I should tie my breasts up with rope so that they got all squashed out of shape ( I was pretty shocked by that, and said it was worrying - looking back on it, he probably thought I was dropping hints myself.....and maybe I was!!!!but didnt' realise it/admit it to myself) and wear a buttplug. The last time we made love he held my hair and pushed his cock really hard into my mouth (which would usually (i.e. before him) earn a slap and my withdrawal from the situation, but….I loved it and the memory makes me wet) He also said he would cane me when I said I wanted to be caned ( and unfortunately for him, i meant stoned, as in intoxicated on cannabis!!! it's an english expression). He made some joke one time about domination (and I laughed in his face!).He also withdraws his attention from me and doesn't touch me sometimes, which makes me want to please him more than anything. He never gets angry or argues or shouts, just withdraws. Looking back on all that, it seems pretty obvious to me that he's quite dom. Whaddaya think??! I think I'd kinda like to be his pet, if he promised not to hurt/damage me. Fuckin hell, who'd have thought I'd EVER have said that???!!! Hmm this whole thing is rather titillating. Anyway, what I'd like to know from you guys is your answers to my questions, and then I'll keep on growing in the understanding that has taken seed and started to sprout. Looking forward to it....
much love,
arcticfox
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The thought of just giving out the discipline bores me. What I am interested in is what are your needs and are my desires linked with your needs abd cravings? If they are then that is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
