- Erotic Poetry
- All In One Breath
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Click hereA woman broadsided with being discovered sliding a vibrating massager between her naked legs door busted open like her mouth chin up face reddened though she did not remove the device and came in front of her ever curious father. He will never forget the flutter as his progeny's cries thumped against his eardrums conjuring sweet razor sharp blood lust. He smirked. Pressed it down adjusted. She wished at least once he would punish her for it. Finally use that formidable weapon.
- COMMENTS
Magnetronabout 10 years agoI understand your intent with the title, but int his case, the English language is not on your side. That is why I said, 'whether or not' ........
A reasonable critique? Yes.
Trolling? LOL If you say so.
susansnowabout 10 years agoAuthorYour feedback was enlightening. Try reading it aloud. The title alludes to how you should read the poem. Quickly to highlight the tense and awkward situation of a father's attraction to his daughter and vice versa. I did not vote and do not vote (typically) on my own pieces. Your assumption is incorrect. I love the vehemence and passion though. Keep trolling.
Magnetronabout 10 years ago"A woman broadsided with being discovered sliding a vibrating massager between her naked legs door busted open like her mouth chin up face reddened though she did not remove the device and came in front of her ever curious father."
Very awkward to read as is. One can only assume before finishing the poem that this rambling run on is due to forgotten punctuation breaking it apart into multiple sentences. Two, perhaps three sentences?
Wether is was intentional or not is the question my brain is asking before finishing the read and this is a major distraction.
"He will never forget the flutter as his progeny's cries thumped against his eardrums conjuring sweet razor sharp blood lust."
The flutter of what?
"Pressed it down adjusted. "
Again, an awkward run on sentence. And further lack of information.
Adjusted up or down or how? If you aren't going to tell us in what direction the adjustment was, then there is no point in mentioning "adjusted" at all.
"She wished at least once he would punish her for it. Finally use that formidable weapon."
Two sentences you probably could have combined.
If you are going to persist in 5-ing your own work, at least make sure it is worthy of it.
