Brandy

Brandy

(the story of my love affair with brandy 2000 - 2005)

O liquid fire in a glass
You touched my lips and whispered dance,
You shot the fire in my blood
And became my only love.
When pain of life and winter froze
You became my antidote,
My strength and companion
Ever there to lean upon,
Ever there (and ever not)
The only friendship built to last
The Djinn inside the brandy glass.

O liquid fire, sweet desire
Tower of lies getting still higher,
Drink from me you will succeed
You said, "I am your only need."
And so I believed you as you lied
Poisoned me from deep inside
Until the poison built up within
And bled beneath my greying skin.
In the mirror I could see
The bottle was becoming me
And less of me was there today
Than had been there yesterday,
But safe beneath your cover
I let you take over
And gave you all of me that was left
And spoke your name on my fading breath.

Oh liquid fire, fucking liar
You spun a web round me like a spider.
You rotted my blood and my skin until
I shook and blacked out I had no will
That wasn't yours to dictate-
I believed my life and fate
Was to die in your amber fire.
When the bottle was empty I missed my liar
And nothing No, nothing would stop me
You in my blood spelled out I was free,
Although the cost was high - the cost to me
Was everything I ever loved and ever hoped to be:
You were the devil that owned me.
And even shaking and shaking and shaking
The truth was so afraid of waking.
Even though I knew you was lying
I thought either way I would be dying
With you or without - To be without
To live as your slave - or be free with fear and doubt-
Was a thought that shivered with
A corner of me that still wanted to live.

O liquid fire, my living desire
Was only to be a part of you,
Until something strong and brave and true
I saw within my own reflection-
I caught in a glance-
It told me I still had a chance
And I concluded I had the right
To stand up to you and I knew I could fight.
And even when I threw you away
You came back the very next day
So again I threw you away.
And each time I did this the real me could speak,
I saw that gradually piece by piece
As I grew stronger, you grew weak.
And then I didn't have to hide
From the monster that lurked inside.
For it was vanquished like snuffing out a flame
As around this time another came,
One who was new and strong, another
Who leant me strength to live and called me mother -
The heart that beat within my womb
The child inside me now took up the room
And you were no more
And I was no longer your fire loving whore.

O liquid fire in a glass,
My tormentor, my tyrant, my pain in the arse :
You are just a drink in a glass.
Now I dont need you I stand alone
I have a life a family a home
And I have survived you and all that you did
But I'll never forget you as long as I live :
I'll never forget the shaking and pains
The looks from the neighbours the whispered names
Knowing I was pathetic and weak,
Waking in sweat and stinking sheets.
The cuts and the bruises the memory loss
The blackouts and rages the years that I lost.
But when I reach within myself to the space where you used to be
I find no shadow of your ghost
All I find there now is me,
And its a strong place a safe place its all the things
That you promised but could never bring.
I found it myself and and now I see
That all I ever needed was already there -
I just had to summon the strength
To be unafraid to stand alone
And let myself be free,
And most of all without a doubt
I found it by being
ME.