Non-Erotic PoetryConfessionA former friend has come to visit me today.
We smile through betrayal by her, and by God.
Mutual pretence, ignorance of careless thoughtlessness;
Disregarding disdain for blessings received.
Who is the more guilty? Time will tell.
Confession to me; and God, and now you, know my heart.
Pouring soothing balm into a bucket with no bottom,
She achieves peace, and I write a poem.
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English
Absolution
"Absolution" is, of course, the perfect word for what I wanted to say.
The imagery of pouring balm into a bottomless bucket referred to many things: the fact that she confesses her ingratitude for her blessings to me, and I confess my rage at her, and the other crappy things in my life, to God, who is so vast and never-ending and who is completely unaffected by the fact that I'm angry with Him; the fact that emotionally I am so damaged that I can't even accept comfort from well-meaning people at times; and the fact that the good things in my life are just a drop in the bucket, but they don't add up to anything, even in the long term, because there is always a hole there in my soul draining them away...
The secrets are not secret at all; I have written about mine frankly all over the threads on this site and in one of my essays here (Failed IVF): My former friend betrayed a confidence; God has not chosen to bless me with children; she's now pregnant and not really wanting the child - the second of my friends in less than two years with that issue - and I find myself surrounded by many pregnant friends, relatives and acquaintances. There are times that I think it cruel what is happening around me, and I don't even know what to think as I smile and try to be encouraging to them all.
Would you believe it that when I came home from the hospital - fresh from hearing that I had no eggs - I mean like within 15 minutes of leaving the hospital when I got home - I found my cousin there sharing with my aunt that she had just got news that she was pregnant again, and she was overjoyed about it since she wanted a child with her new husband - naturally, she'd already had one with her old husband. I sat with her and my aunt, and celebrated this news, and even tried to make jokes about my own situation so that THEY would not feel uncomfortable being around me, and all the while I wanted to die more than anything in the world.
My failed IVF experience was so traumatic for me that it caused me to contemplate suicide very seriously. That frightened me enough not to bother to go through with the second attempt that I had promised myself if the first one failed; because I knew that emotionally I was not strong enough for another failure, and four doctors said that statistically that was likely to happen again at my age.
No... donor eggs and adoption are not for me. I have just decided to give all my love to my menagerie of pets, and my money and my collections of stuff to some pet (pun intended) charities. It is ironic that I am responding to this query now, because earlier today I was thinking that I need to amend my will to ensure that I make provisions for my dogs' welfare should anything happen to me. To say that I love them, is the understatement of the Age.more...
Great theme
and one that I have not seen much poetry about. The poem makes me wonder what could have happened that could be a betrayal by a friend in cahoots with God. The poem is mysterious and has the feel of hiding a deep secret. I'm not sure the image of balm in a bottomless bucket works, but maybe I am missing something. I am also not sure that the word "peace" is what you are looking for here. Absolution maybe?
Anyway - it got my attention and made me think.more...
SHE HAS MINE
and I have Me. TK U MLJ LV NV
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