All Comments on 'Drive'

Well, yes, men can have that effect...

when trains wrek

there's these moments

you can see it coming

and can only watch

a careless word

a misplaced unmeant action

can sometimes be like that

terrible errors

broken glass bone steel and blood

crashing halts and flat stoped seconds

seen from a distance

you wonder if trains will ever run again

is it safe to go anywhere?

He’s taking me for a ride

with the words from his lips

splitting my head

aching my thoughts

until I’m not sure

if I should be here

or out on the curb

watching him drive on by.

The only thing I would've done differently is killing off the "ings".

He’s taking me for a ride

with the words from his lips

that split my head,

and ache my thoughts ("and" should be here)

until I’m not sure

if I should be here

or out on the curb

as I watch him drive on by. (or "drive by")

that there is an excess of -ing verbs here and crispness is lost. I also question the line "aching my thoughts."

But as usual, your poetry has something to say. And that alone, the consistency with which you write verse that speaks, is a reason to compliment you.

and as far as gerunds, I'd at least change the first one to read: He takes me for a ride

and really like the last two lines. nicely done.

This poem was mentioned in the Archival Review thread, in a picking through Lit's archive of over 38,000 poems.

----------